


The Beholder's Eyepatch

by HadenXCharm



Category: Bleach
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Coercion, Domestic Violence, Dubious Consent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, Major Character Injury, Pining, Possessive Behavior, Psychological Trauma, Rape, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-02-12 03:35:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 98,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2094186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HadenXCharm/pseuds/HadenXCharm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Ikkaku runs into his childhood love, he is thrilled, only to slowly unravel the pieces, realizing that Yumichika's boyfriend may not be as nice as he seems. Meanwhile, Grimmjow and Renji both ask Ichigo out on a date at the exact same time, and they quickly begin to fight over his heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fair

**Author's Note:**

> Please read Author's note. This is the only one for the whole story.
> 
> -This is a modern human world AU. There are no shinigami and no hollows, which means that Ichigo never went through everything he did in the bleach series, so obviously he didn't build any muscle mass and probably is still alike in personality to himself in season 1. What I'm trying to say here, is that if any other characters seem OOC in this story, please note that they're supposed to be humans with emotions, flaws, and a balance of good and bad. Renji was never trained to be a soldier who is hardened for battle, Grimmjow isn't the compilation of a million evil souls, and Ikkaku's life doesn't completely revolve around fighting.
> 
> -Ichigo is not an 'uke' in this story. By that, I mean he isn't submissive, physically weaker, seeking comfort or acceptance, overly emotional, stereotypically 'girly' or flamboyant. He is still an arrogant, ass-kicking, foul-mouthed, tight wad, and I think I kept him in character pretty well.
> 
> \- This is supposed to be angsty/tragic and full of love confessions, but I am aware how sappy and saccarine it can be at times. I have this issue of being overly fluffy sometimes, but I hope it's not overdone.
> 
> -If you dislike Yumi/Ikka, or Ren/Ichi- Grimm/Ichi, I have news for you. This story is basically two seperate stories, so pretty much every other chapter will be about either Yumi-Ikka, or the Grimm-Ichi-Ren love triangle. The stories do not overlap until the end, so if you decide to only read one or the other, you will not be missing anything.
> 
> -This one is going to have a rather slow build, but like a Stephen King story, the end will be extremely violent and disturbing, as the whole story is hinged on domestic abuse and a sticky love triangle.

_ _

 

_You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.―_

* * *

He was beautiful. So damn beautiful that it made Ikkaku's heart melt every time he looked at him.

Snow fell softly against the large windows of the classroom, slowly filling up in the corners and spreading fog and frost over the glass like cruel cracked fingers. Yumichika fit right in where he was sitting next to the window, so pale and perfect, seeming to thrive in the cold weather.

He didn't shiver often, seeming to be consciously forcing himself not to, and he only occasionally bended his fingers for flexibility against the numbing frost. Yumichika never rubbed his arms or breathed into his hands for warmth. Yumichika seemed at home here in the snow, here in the dead of winter.

Ayasegawa Yumichika, the ice prince, known for his vanity, intelligence, and being out of everyone's league. He was aloof, didn't speak to anyone, and was impossibly beautiful. He sat there on the other side of the classroom, so far away from him. The distance between them had become colossal and intimidating. Ikkaku only knew his name because that was what the teacher had called him the first day of class when taking role. After a quick 'here', Ikkaku never heard Yumichika's voice again in the class.

He was so different from the way he'd been all that time ago, which was why Ikkaku hadn't recognized him and hadn't realized it was the same person from his memories that he'd had a hopelessly-intense crush on. He vaguely remembered how he was a long time ago in middle school. Yumichika had been one of Renji's best friends – the only person besides him and Hisagi that Renji called 'senpai' - and had been vibrant, colorful, vain, and rather snotty if he did say so himself. But he had loved him, oh how he had loved him.

He had remembered asking Renji about him multiple times, even though Renji was in the grade below him and Yumichika. Renji had laughed at him and told him that he didn't have a chance in hell with him. He clearly remembered the words: _'Yumichika doesn't have crushes. Yumichika has targets._ ' Apparently, he had become a target, because Yumichika had flirted with him and eventually let him treat him like his sweetheart, even though they never officially dated. How nice it had felt to hold Yumichika's hand, to tell him jokes and buy him candy. That had been so long ago, when they were so young and hopelessly smitten. Those days were gone.

He seemed so different now. The person sitting in front of him had gone through drastic change. It had taken quite a while for Ikkaku to realize just who the man was, to realize that this was his childhood love back for round two. He was still devastatingly beautiful, still out of reach, still a mystery, but this time he was not stuck up or snotty. He was silent and cold, almost listless.

Ikkaku had watched him for months from across the classroom. For a long while he'd thought that the man had gotten horrible scars on his face, because there was always a hand up to block him from being seen directly. His head was always pointed down, dark hair hiding his face in shadow.

Instead of the colorful stylish clothes he had worn when he was young, Yumichika was now in black. He _always_ was. The biggest change Ikkaku had seen him make was to wear grey or white, with the occasional bit of other colors, but darkened or pale, never vibrant. He was always in turtlenecks, always in long-sleeved shirts or coats, or even overly baggy clothes, despite their ugliness, even during the blistering heat waves at the start of the semester. Yumichika layered his clothes now like a homeless person, wearing two or three jackets that were too big for him, without a regard for whether this was practical given the temperature.

His hands were pale like marble, and whenever Ikkaku would stare at him during class just waiting on the off chance that Yumichika might switch position and give him a glimpse of his face, he saw that the skin there was just as pale. _Too_ pale. No, perhaps not. That wasn't what was so odd about it. There was a just a tiny bit of greyish tint to it, barely noticeable, but it made Yumichika seem unwell, or sickly.

On top of that, he had grown dangerously skinny, almost to the point of looking emaciated, and he didn't seem to make any unnecessary movements. He almost seemed soulless, like that Nemu girl in Ikkaku's biology class. The biggest difference Ikkaku supposed there was here, was that Yumichika didn't have that vibrant _passion_ anymore. There was no voice, no snarky wit or brutal honesty. There was no _fire,_ or fight, or heated-opinion, no snide expressions or snotty comments. There wasn't that spirit that had annoyed him so bad, that he had loved and hated so much.

Yumichika seemed like he was just drifting along, hibernating, swept away under a snow bank and forgotten, maybe stuck in permafrost.

Every time he looked at him and his beauty, Ikkaku's heart melted, only to be frozen again when he thought of how unattainable Yumichika was.

Ikkaku had tried many times to strike up conversation – After all, they'd been on good speaking terms back in middle school, and had been openly smitten towards each other. He'd even asked Renji for help, maybe to invite Yumichika and him to the same thing, or something, just to make Yumichika be around him for a while to see that he was a nice guy and that he was worth dating again. The problem was, even Yumichika's precious Renji had trouble getting to spend time with him now.

Yumichika would always deflect his advances and would always find ways to weasel out of talking to him. Today, however, Ikkaku came early to class and sat down right next to Yumichika, so that he was trapped there by social convention, because it would be rude for Yumichika to get up and move now just to get away from him.

He tried to be nice. He tried to be charming and kind seeming, wanting Yumichika to feel okay about talking to him. Part of Ikkaku felt that the aloofness wasn't what it seemed. Yumichika might not be too stuck-up to talk to anyone; he might be _shy._

Surely he could melt that ice-prince act and get Yumichika to open up, to let him in again. Surely Yumichika remembered him. He _had_ to.

There was something about his shyness, something about his reserved silence that made Ikkaku want to know him, that made him want to hold him and talk for hours and just look at him and take in his beauty. He could feel that he and Yumichika were meant to be together, even if only as friends.

Oh, how he wanted to wake up and be slapped by Yumichika and shouted at for wearing tacky pajamas. How he wished he could see that stupid little flouncy walk Yumichika had had, or hear him complain about having a hangnail, a freckle, slightly uneven hair. How he wished that Yumichika would nag him when he had to eat sub-standard yogurt for lunch. He wished that things were still the same, but alas, that Yumichika was gone. This Yumichika was drastically different. His flamboyance, his individuality, his never-ashamed pushiness, it was all gone, and Ikkaku missed it desperately. He wanted it back.

He wanted that snarky attitude; he wanted the sneers and the annoying whining. He wanted that prissy little way Yumichika had about him, he wanted the insults and the flamboyance, and everything he'd been as a juvenile, because he loved how it made him feel. He loved the man that Yumichika made him feel he could be.

Back in middle school, he'd always be getting into fights and detentions, but Yumichika would just stand there and smile at him, congratulating him on his good luck. Yumichika made him feel brave and strong and _worthy_ , and Ikkaku wanted that back.

So he sat there next to him, just basking in the presence of what had been burning within him for years. He sat there looking at him, hoping for at least a tiny reaction, maybe a sign that Yumichika recognized or remembered him. He couldn't be some creepy obsessive weirdo who had been watching Yumichika for so long, not knowing that Yumichika hadn't even noticed. Yumichika just _had_ to feel the same way.

Ikkaku side-slitted his eyes, feeling hopeful, clearing his throat to make his presence known.

Yumichika did not move away, but he did not look at him either, putting a hand up to block his eyes and face from view. Ikkaku decided to wait for a bit, not wanting to overstep his boundaries. He could have sworn that Yumichika was quivering, a barely noticeable tremble. Maybe he really was shy… Oh, but that couldn't be, remembering how he'd been. The Yumichika from those days was anything but shy, anything but insecure with who he was. It couldn't be that Yumichika was shy or afraid to speak to him, could it? No, surely not.

Maybe he'd just missed breakfast and had low blood sugar. That must be why he was shaking. It couldn't be nervousness. A nervous insecure Yumichika? That was _ridiculous._

"Want some of my donut?" Ikkaku asked, tapping on his arm, eager to make a good impression. Yumichika nearly jumped out of his skin, pencil flying out of his hand as he refused a little too quickly. Ikkaku didn't try to talk to him again, a little startled by the reaction. _'Geez...'_

Maybe he'd been lost in thought and had jolted him out of it, or surprised him with his request. That had to be it. It was a coincidence, that's all it was.

Ikkaku watched Yumichika in class, his graceful hands, that beautiful handwriting, and the swift way he wrote. He'd asked Renji all about this man, wanting to be brought up to speed. He needed advice on the _new_ Yumichika, because this was an entirely different person now. Ikkaku had confronted Yumichika several times himself, trying to set up to ask him out, and after hearing from Renji earlier today that he had finally gotten the guts to confess his feelings to Ichigo, Ikkaku decided too, that today would be his day.

 _The_ day. He was going to tell Yumichika about his long-time feelings for him, and that the crush he'd had on him in middle school had lingered to this day. Maybe he was obsessive, or a doormat, or stupidly sappy, but Ikkaku felt that way all the same, even all these years later. He was going to tell him how smitten he was, and how much he wished they could spend some time together like they had used to back when they were young, back when things had been so easy.

Conveniently, their professor assigned a project that involved a partner. This had never happened before, but Ikkaku assumed that since Yumichika never talked to anyone, he would end up being an odd man out without a partner. He'd be _forced_ to do the project with Ikkaku.

It wasn't as if they'd never talked. Ikkaku had gotten a few awkward conversations out of him, but Yumichika was always extremely obvious in his want to end the confrontations. Sometimes he even would start looking _sick_ , clutching at his chest, grabbing something under his shirt. Yumichika always had some excuse or lucky escape, like a bus coming early, or class ending, or having a phone call to take.

Ikkaku supposed that subtlety wouldn't work here any longer, because Yumichika's refusals to his advances were just as subtle in turn. It was time to do what he did best, which was to be as un-fucking-subtle as a wrecking ball.

Today he'd just come out and say it. He'd ask him on a date. It seemed almost easy, even though Yumichika had literally almost flung his homework across the room when he'd tried to share his donut. At least he wasn't in the same position as Renji, who had been a long-time best friend and roommate to Ichigo, who would likely feel betrayed when Renji's feelings were revealed. Ikkaku was lucky, because Yumichika, unlike Ichigo, probably wouldn't hit him if he confessed his feelings.

Ikkaku might really have a chance, and it excited him. Later. He'd ask him later. Maybe this time, Yumichika wouldn't be so eager to get rid of him. Maybe this time the risk would be worth it.

Anything would be worth it just to stare into those cold, icy, violet eyes, even if he became frozen, swept away by this endless winter's night. Ikkaku was ready.

* * *

_"Aren't you cold?" they'd say. The world is the one who's cold. Not me._


	2. Trio

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

__

 

_The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, and known struggle._

* * *

It was snowing outside, out there under the willow tree and its frost-covered leaves and dead branches. There Renji stood shivering, rubbing his hands over his arms, waiting in front of the public bathroom for Ichigo, his longtime best friend and roommate. This was where they always met before they went to the lunch building together.

In the silence, he could almost hear the faint sounds of snow landing on the banks lining the sidewalk; he could hear trees in the distance whose branches had finally bent over to dump their white burdens on the ground. Just thinking about kissing Ichigo out here in this flurry of white, in this garden that had turned into a beautiful crystal prism - it gave him little shivers that had nothing to do with the cold.

If he didn't know better, he'd say he was a hopeless romantic, because he just couldn't wait to see Ichigo up close out here, dressed in that coat that fit his skinny form so well. He couldn't wait to see the red flush to his nose and cheeks, to see the little ice crystals collecting on his eyelashes. It was like something from a stupid movie, but Renji didn't care, because he'd never lived a movie and he  _wanted_  to. He wanted a fucking happily ever after with Ichigo, even if it was corny as all get out. He'd probably never admit that aloud, but he was ready to admit  _something._

Today. He was going to do it today,  _finally._  He was going to confess his feelings to Ichigo after many long years of guilt and silence, long years of being best friends as teenagers, long years of being high school classmates and buddies who did everything together.

The guilt of keeping the secret had been eating at him for so long. It was almost unbearable: the  _guilt_  of their three years of being college roommates, seeing Ichigo trust him like a brother, enough to change in front of him or come out of the shower not fully clothed. He had kept quiet for so long, through so many years of seeing Ichigo disheveled and sleeping helplessly, knowing that he was looking on his friend with less than innocent thoughts. He had pined away for years, seeing people fall in love with Ichigo, seeing people get close to Ichigo, seeing people trying to date him. The torture of it was horrible, having to stay silent through his jealousy, hoping against hope that Ichigo wouldn't find somebody to date, that he wouldn't find someone who would take him away.

He had kept silent for ages, but he wasn't going to anymore. Today. Today was the day. He would come clean, all the way clean, leaving nothing secret. It was now or never. Or maybe just now or tomorrow, if he chickened out.

Renji could see someone coming towards him through the snow, walking with his hands in his pockets. The bright-colored hair and the leather jacket were unmistakable. What was… What was  _he_ doing here? Oh  _no._

No, not him, not  _him_  who could  _ruin_ everything and take Ichigo _away_ ,  _Damnit!_ Oh why now, why right now at this time? Why was karma coming back to him  _now?!_

Renji could see him off in the distance, walking towards him, holding a hand up to his face so he could light his cigarette. Somehow, his hair gel still held even as snow got in it, and it pissed Renji off. Well,  _everything_  about him pissed him off. He was too fucking handsome, too crass, arrogant, and argumentative, too 'no-fucks-given' about others' opinions, and much too violent. This guy just  _couldn't_  steal Ichigo away from him now that he'd gotten up the courage to confess. This guy could ruin everything. Oh, it wasn't fair.

This was the man that he knew Ichigo had feelings for, however small and however he tried to deny it. Renji  _knew_. He  _knew_  that some tiny secret part of Ichigo was interested, some part of him that wasn't in denial; some small part of him liked the man and his rude lecherous nature. This guy had a  _chance_  to steal Ichigo away from him, and it was frightening.

Sure, he knew Ichigo hated the guy, he knew that they argued and fought like dogs, but Ichigo connected with people he could argue and fight with. It made him  _feel_. Hopefully, Ichigo wouldn't mistake that feeling of tension for passion. Renji just couldn't lose to this guy now that he'd finally gotten his courage up. It just wasn't fair.

Renji scowled, rubbing his hands over his ears as Grimmjow casually walked over and leaned up on the wall next to him.

"You waitin' for him too? I'm finally snaggin' 'im today," Grimmjow said, blowing smoke in Renji's face. "No more bullshit, he's  _mine._ " He said it all high and mighty, as if he was trying to tell Renji that this was  _his_  territory and that he should fuck off somewhere, which was completely unfair seeing as Renji had been waiting half his life for this opportunity, while Grimmjow had only waited for half a  _year_. If anything, Ichigo was  _his_  territory, even if Renji didn't like to put it that way.

Renji kicked him in the leg, getting upset, shouting at him to leave before his chances were minimized. "You'd better not! I've been here for  _years_ ; you can't just steal him.  _I'm_  asking him out! So  _fuck off!"_

"He's free game, Red-riding hood." Grimmjow just laughed at him a little, pointing Ichigo out. Renji whipped around, slightly panicked that Grimmjow was now here, presenting competition.

"Get out of here!" he screeched, jumping on Grimmjow's back and pulling his hair, making him drop his cigarette.

"That's how it is? Fine, bitch, fine," Grimmjow spat, backing up and slamming him into the cement wall. They practically wrestled each other down into the frozen grass and the snow, pulling hair, biting, and playing dirty, each trying to get to Ichigo first. Ichigo just stared at them in confusion and irritation as he approached, used to their petty arguments by now.

"What is it this ti-"

They both blurted out that they wanted a date at the same time, and Ichigo just stared for a moment. They both held their breath, waiting for a response, still in a stupid-looking pose of Renji pulling on Grimmjow's ear, arm around his neck in a headlock, while Grimmjow was elbowing him in the ribs, threatening to trip them by locking their legs together.

Ichigo just stood there for a moment to appreciate how stupid they looked, before they fell backwards onto the icy sidewalk, both rubbing their wounds. 'Fuck-you's' and 'I-can't-fucking-stand-you's' were thrown like rice at a wedding as they got up, looming over the orange-haired man.

They both stared at him, waiting for an answer, until Ichigo eventually started to realize that they just might be serious.

"Wait… You guys know it's not April, right?... Ya' didn't hit yer' heads on the ice, did ya'?"

Renji yanked Grimmjow back when he grinned roguishly in Ichigo's face with a perverted description of what he wanted to go do, where, and how. Ichigo just stared at them both, completely used to Grimmjow's lusty advances and had long since learned to ignore them. Grimmjow shoved Renji down into the snow hard, and Renji yelped as his back hit the frozen ground. " _Ow_ , you fucker!" he shouted in pain, peeling himself off the ice, growling as Grimmjow leaned his face into Ichigo's personal space again.

Grimmjow was Ichigo's chemistry-class lab-partner this year, and from the first day, Ichigo had never stopped complaining to his roommate, Renji, about the man's frustrating antics. He'd explode their project and make them fail, he'd masturbate in front of him when they studied, he'd try to seduce him and drag him to clubs when they were supposed to be researching. Ichigo had never shown a sign of caving in, and had ignored it whilst fighting back and keeping them from failing the class completely.

Now that Grimmjow had come out and requested him so plainly like that, he couldn't possibly ignore it, and had to dignify him with a direct answer. Renji as well, who he still was having a hard time believing wasn't pranking him or something, because there was no  _way_  that Renji could have feelings for him, right? Not Renji who sat beside him each morning getting ready for school, eating cereal in his pajamas like a dork. Not Renji who had been his best friend for years, who had never even shown a  _hint_  of having less-than-appropriate feelings for him. No way, not  _Renji,_  this was completely impossible, right?

_Right?_

Ichigo opened his mouth to say something, looking at the two of them as they brushed snow off their bruised bodies. Renji was looking at him with a reserved expression that he rarely saw, because he'd only seen Renji be shy like  _twice_  in his whole life. Even though he hardly ever saw it, it was an expression that he couldn't mistake.

Ichigo blinked, letting the revelation hit him in the gut. Oh fuck, Renji was serious. This wasn't a joke. He had  _two_  creepy stalkers now, instead of just one hot-headed insufferable lab-partner. Now his best friend - who happened to be his roommate - was after him  _too_? They both wanted to date him, and they probably would never leave him alone until he said something.

Ichigo stood there stunned for a couple of seconds, still staring back at the two men who were hardly daring to breathe as they waited for a response.

Without warning, Grimmjow grabbed Ichigo by the shoulders and slammed him against the wall of the public bathroom, not waiting for him to get around to accepting or denying his date-request.

"What are you-" Ichigo shouted with a glare, which immediately turned to complete shock when Grimmjow held his face and kissed him deeply, pressing his whole body against him. He snaked his hands all over Ichigo, one of his legs going between those of the skinny redhead and grinding onto his crotch. For a split second, Ichigo's arms were flat against the wall, hands near his head even though Grimmjow wasn't holding him down; he was absolutely stricken, and completely thrown off guard. His fists were in balls as if he didn't know what to do, and his eyes were wide with surprise and mortification.

Ichigo then tried to push Grimmjow off, at which point the blue-haired man nabbed his arms, pinning them down to the wall. Ichigo's books had fallen to the ground, and Renji got up in a hurry, watching helplessly as Ichigo struggled for a moment before caving in to Grimmjow's dominant kiss. Something in Renji's heart died when he saw Ichigo's wide eyes suddenly flicker and then half-close as Grimmjow pressed up against him with a possessive growl.

Ichigo was making noise in the back of his throat: little sounds of hesitant pleasure as Grimmjow sucked on his tongue. Renji could see Ichigo's fingers twitch where Grimmjow was pinning his arms to the wall, and Ichigo made no more moves to escape, letting Grimmjow suck on his neck, eyes crossing a little.

"He- Hey," Renji said weakly, heart completely broken, not knowing quite what to do as he saw Grimmjow use way too much tongue, holding Ichigo to the wall with strong hands. Of course,  _he_  would never grab Ichigo or touch him like that without permission, but… why was Ichigo letting  _Grimmjow_  do that to him? This just wasn't fair.

As much as he wanted to beat the hell out of Grimmjow, as furious as he was, as  _hurt_ as he was, somehow he felt as if he wasn't allowed to do so now that Ichigo was letting him kiss him like that. Ichigo seemed to… to _like_ it. This wasn't fair… What was he supposed to do? If Ichigo liked it, he couldn't interfere, right?

Oh no, he'd missed his chance, hadn't he? It was too late. Grimmjow had snatched him,  _fuck_ , he'd  _kill_  that guy. Yeah, he'd kill him and then put him in a garbage bag and then crack a hole in the ice-covered river and chuck him in there. Fucker.

Renji turned away, covering his face as he heard Ichigo give another little moan. No, this wasn't right, this couldn't be right. Renji put his hands over his eyes, giving a defeated sigh, crestfallen. If only he'd gotten his courage up  _one_  day earlier, then this wouldn't have happened, then his heart wouldn't be aching like this. He turned around a little, looking back one last time, and he saw Ichigo twitch as Grimmjow sucked on his neck, perhaps biting a bit too hard. Suddenly, those brown eyes snapped open, and Ichigo looked enraged and mortified. He kneed Grimmjow in the crotch so hard that Renji grit his teeth and winced, watching as Ichigo shoved his blue-haired assailant to the ground.

Renji hissed in sympathy, rubbing at his own crotch a little; it was hard not to be sympathetic, even though Grimmjow was an asshole. That had probably hurt twice as much as it would normally because of the man's arousal. Besides that, Ichigo was anything but gentle when it came to defending his personal-space bubble.

"Tha' fuck is wrong with you?!" Ichigo shouted in embarrassment, stumbling a little from the invasive nature he'd been kissed with, red in the face and shaking with rage. Renji turned, biting his lip in devastation as he saw that Ichigo was indeed turned on. This just wasn't fair.

Grimmjow was still holding the front of his pants, doubled over and hissing, but he started laughing a little, straightening back up slowly, still obviously in a great deal of pain. Ichigo panted, still looking completely scandalized, like he couldn't understand how Grimmjow could just come out and  _do_  something like that to him. Ichigo's naïveté got him into trouble sometimes - that wasn't to say that he was childish or innocent. Pfft, just thinking about that was ridiculous, because Ichigo could kick ass and get shit done, but Renji still had to admit that Ichigo did have a bit of trouble with _things like this._

That being said, Renji had a feeling that Ichigo's 'naïveté' was what Grimmjow was after, or worse, Ichigo's virginity; Renji had a sick feeling after witnessing that, that Grimmjow might succeed in swindling his best friend right out of his clothes. Grimmjow seemed to like that awkwardness that Ichigo had about him. Maybe Grimmjow was a player and thought this was a game, thought that Ichigo being so hard to get was a novelty, liking the thrill of chasing someone so unattainable. Perhaps he wanted to swipe that away and dangle it under Renji's nose.

Grimmjow grinned cockily, grinding his dropped cigarette into the ground even though it had long gone out. He'd occasionally grab at the crotch of his pants, still in pain. Serves him right, the molester; Renji hoped that he'd never be able to get it up again.

Renji scowled at him, asking Ichigo if he would pick between them, still feeling crushed at having seen how Ichigo had responded to Grimmjow.

"Heh, yer' body knows whatcha' want. Purrin' like a fucking kitten, just beggin' ta' get bent over real good."

Renji saw red, but Ichigo got to Grimmjow before he could wring the guy's neck himself. As protective as he felt of Ichigo, one of the things he loved about him was his temper and that he could fend for himself. He loved that shouting, ass-kicking, carrot-headed, stressed-out, jackass. Fucking angel.

For a moment, Renji thought that his hair had come down and was getting in his eyes, because he was so freaking pissed that he was seeing red. He really wanted to  _murder_ , which was unlike him, because even in the roughest of fights, he was never particularly sadistic or malicious, but he really wanted to  _hurt_  that man. He hated everything about him, from his ridiculous amounts of money, to his weird natural hair color, to his swearing, to his over-the-top temper, to his fucking  _motorcycle,_  to his unrealistically white teeth despite his smoking problem; everything about that useless waste of human life just  _pissed_ him off. Oh God, he'd never  _hated_ someone so much as he hated Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez.

"What the fuck, you, you-" Ichigo still was upset about being assaulted like that and swung on Grimmjow, nailing him in the neck. Grimmjow hacked and coughed, doubling over, clutching at his throat like he had a hairball, rasping that it had been worth it.

Ichigo kicked him really freaking hard, knocking the idiot over into the snow. He panted, finally getting control of himself again, still a little red in the face. "I can't believe you two, you complete fucking perverts… Especially…" He turned on Renji with a slow-building horror, filling Renji with dread. This is what he'd been afraid of: Ichigo thinking him to be a traitor. " _You_ … You're supposed to be my  _friend!_ " Ichigo shouted, pointing at Renji in anger.

"D-Do you know how much I trusted you?" Ichigo asked in ire, voice cracking a little, still standing on shaky legs, rage building by the moment, "How many times have we shared a bed when it's freezing at night?… How, how… How many times have I freaking  _changed_  in front of you?... And, and you're telling me you've been a freaking gay pervert for all this time?! What the hell, you're  _sick!_ How could you do that to me?!  _You were my best friend!_ "

"No, no," Renji said nervously, aghast that Ichigo was this upset. He'd never thought Ichigo would take it so hard - perhaps it had combined with the rage of Grimmjow entering his precious personal space and created an atomic bomb. Ichigo took stuff like that really seriously. Ichigo had trusted him so much, like family, where you don't even realize that you're trusting them because it doesn't even  _occur_  to you that they might do something bad to you. So to have someone like Renji admit that he'd been having less than pure thoughts, to Ichigo, this was obviously betrayal at its finest, or was it its worst?

Renji backed up a little, holding his hands up in surrender, trying to appease him. "Honest, Ichigo, I'm not a creep, you  _know_  I'm not a creep… You know I'd never peep on you or take advantage of you while you're drunk or something… Or, or anything! You know how I feel about that stuff! Please just… Give me a chance, please," he said, apologizing a few times for not saying anything sooner. He was trying really hard not to let Ichigo bait him into losing his temper, but it was so difficult when Ichigo kept looking at him like he was some dirty pervert, and he  _wasn't._

"Please," he asked again, trying to seem agreeable. Ichigo just stared at him with an incredulous expression, listening with disbelieving ears. Ichigo backed up against the building, back of his wrist on his forehead in upset and exasperation as he took all of it in, looking like he might actually faint.

"It's not… It's not something I can help… I've tried so hard to stop, but it won't go away… I'm... I'm really sorry, I just can't help it." He bowed his head, begging for just one chance. "What I feel is real… and I'd… I'd never hurt you like that, you know me, Ichigo… You know I'd… I'd never lie about something like this. I know it's stupid, but please just give me a chance."

At that point, Grimmjow butted in again, having sufficiently regained the use of his vocal chords. "Hey, you gotta' give me a chance too. I know you liked that just then," he said loudly, a little raspy from the throat-punch. "I see the way you look at me when I get you all riled up. You love the fighting. You want me... I know you felt that," Grimmjow grinned, and Renji winced, knowing he was referring to his junk. If he was honest with himself, he could admit that he _probably_  couldn't beat Grimmjow in a size competition, but he knew that all of this sexual talk would piss Ichigo off so bad that he literally might strangle Grimmjow out here to shut him up.

Stuff like that embarrassed Ichigo to no end, and Renji was hoping that Grimmjow would dig his own grave. "It's all me, I don't even use viagr-" Ichigo picked up some snow and ice and hurled it into Grimmjow's face, shouting at him to shut up in an embarrassed tone.

"You  _creep!_ I don't have to give you a chance, I don't have to give  _either_  of you a chance," Ichigo stuttered, breathing hard, looking between them in disbelief and upset. "It's not a question of picking one of you, I don't want  _either one_ of you fucking perverts anywhere near me ever again... I expect it from an asshole like you," he sneered at Grimmjow, "I just can't believe… that  _you'd_  betray me like this," Ichigo looked at Renji then in genuine hurt and cold disappointment. Renji could hardly take it, and he began hurting all over, gut churning with guilt.

"It's not like that," Renji tried to say it calmly, meeting Ichigo's eyes so that Ichigo would know that he wasn't lying. "You know that I'd never hurt ya' like that, honest. I'm not a pervert, I swear! Please, just give me a chance. I'll prove to ya' that I'm serious about this... I'll do whatever it takes, whatever I have to. Please, just one chance. Just one."

"Yeah, at least pick one of us," Grimmjow said gruffly, brushing snow out of his hair, still looking satisfied with how much he'd made Ichigo blush. Renji wanted so badly to punch that smug smirk right off of that molester's face. "Maybe ya' can go on a date with both of us today and then tell us who ya' pick tonight."

"I don't have to pick either of you, and I  _don't_ have to date you," Ichigo said adamantly, but eventually he was heckled into it by Grimmjow's insistence and Renji's upset pleading.

"I'm going first," Grimmjow demanded, before Renji could cut him off. "Let's go, sweet-ass," he said, ruffling Ichigo's hair by way of what sounded like a half-compliment as he dragged him off in the direction of the cafeteria. Renji watched them go with a dull slow-building horror, realizing how awful that had gone. His confession wasn't supposed to go like this.

It had all been twisted around, and it had made him look like a creep and a liar. He had been planning on being honest, breaking it to Ichigo gently and giving him a choice to let things stay as they were. He hadn't expected to ask Ichigo on a date or something; he knew that was asking for too much. He hadn't wanted to push it on him like this. There wasn't supposed to be a time limit or a competition.

Renji began frantically searching for something he could do or a place he could take Ichigo tonight to talk him into giving him a real chance. He was serious. He was in  _love,_ and he had to show Ichigo that he really meant it, that this wasn't some infatuation or fit of lust.

He just couldn't lose Ichigo now that he'd revealed his secret. Even if Ichigo ended up dating Grimmjow, even if he didn't want to be his roommate anymore, he just couldn't lose that friendship, and he'd tell Ichigo that. He'd show him that he could be better than Grimmjow, no matter how much that guy made him feel.

He knew that deep down, Ichigo liked the insults, he liked the manic glint that went in Grimmjow's eyes when he laughed like a psychopath, he liked his stupid exploding chemistry mishaps, he liked the crass nature and the laziness. He knew Ichigo liked the  _fire_  and the  _fight_  and having someone who could stand up to him without fear, somebody who could take a beating but always get up and be fine. Ichigo liked the idea of someone who could always fit in that never-ending battle to impress each other, someone who would keep life interesting.

Grimmjow had sparked that spitfire within Ichigo, and had given him a taste of how much passion could be between them. Renji knew that Ichigo was at least contemplating finally shedding his naïve embarrassed view of sexual things; he was considering letting Grimmjow have his way.

But Renji had one secret weapon against all that: Renji could shed his pride, and Grimmjow couldn't. Grimmjow couldn't talk about his  _feelings_ , and would never love Ichigo or admit it aloud, if love was what Grimmjow felt. Grimmjow was a  _pervert_ , he was  _lecherous_  and filled with lust, and he knew that Ichigo didn't like that.

He'd known Ichigo for years, so he knew that sex embarrassed Ichigo and made him feel insecure, and Ichigo was someone who hated uncertainty. Ichigo was a naïve person when it came to sex. He ignored all that stuff, didn't pay it attention or care about it. For all Renji knew, Ichigo was still a virgin, and would stay that way for a while if Grimmjow didn't get his way.

_That_ was Renji's secret weapon. Renji could hold out. He could wait forever. He could be without anything like that, because he enjoyed Ichigo's company that much. He didn't even want him for any of that stuff. Sure, he thought it would be amazing to make sweet love to Ichigo, but he wanted his acceptance and his presence so much more. Renji could put his male pride aside and say stupid embarrassing things; he could tell Ichigo how he and Grimmjow were different in this regard.

Grimmjow would probably push Ichigo to have sex or kiss him like that all the time. Grimmjow liked it freaky, rough, and loud, and he wasn't shy about doing things in public or with strangers. Ichigo might not be able to deal with that at this point, no matter how much he may like Grimmjow. Ichigo wasn't the type to have cheap no-feelings sex, and that was where Grimmjow's strategy was crippled, because it would put Grimmjow through absolute hell trying to wile Ichigo into his bed. Ichigo wasn't stupid, and he wouldn't let himself be seduced if he thought Grimmjow would move on so quickly.

Renji knew that as much as Ichigo liked all those things about Grimmjow, he wanted there to be love too, security and loyalty, and if Grimmjow couldn't trick Ichigo into thinking he loved him, Ichigo surely wouldn't sleep with him. At least Renji hoped so.

If he knew Ichigo, Ichigo would want there to be feelings involved, a deep bond and a long time of knowing each other. Ichigo needed trust and loyalty and he needed to feel secure enough to take down his walls. Ichigo needed a friend, not just a lover.

Renji, Renji Abarai who had been there for so long,  _he_  could do that for Ichigo. He could protect Ichigo and watch his back in a fight. He could take care of him when he was sick, he could buy him a better birthday or Christmas present than anyone. He could get along with his family and spoil his sisters and take Ichigo with him everywhere he'd ever wanted to go. He could put his pride aside and let Ichigo win and boss him around. He could keep Ichigo from blowing his stack when he was stressed out. He could keep Ichigo's secrets and he could feed him and take care of him and make him feel a million miles high. He  _had_  done that, he had done  _all_ of that, because Renji had been there, and he had never left. Ichigo had that something, and Renji just wanted to hold his hand for a while, even if it had just been punching him. Renji really and truly just loved Ichigo to pieces, and he didn't have an ulterior motive like Grimmjow did.

_That_  was his weapon.  _He_  could do that, when Grimmjow couldn't. He could show Ichigo how much he cared, and then Ichigo would see that he was the clear choice, that he could be so much better for him than that sex fiend could ever be.

Then Ichigo would see the truth, and just maybe, just  _maybe_  he'd give Renji a real chance to be with him.

At least, Renji hoped so. If Grimmjow somehow got over his tough-guy act and told Ichigo something sweet or treated him nicely in private, Ichigo might cave and fall for Grimmjow completely, letting his crush turn into something real.

That just couldn't happen. Renji had to find a way to make Ichigo love him back.

This was his last chance.

* * *

_You know that when I hate you, I hate you whole  
_ _Because I love you with a passion, and it pains my soul  
_ _This fire that you've given should have set me free,  
_ _But the love I feel, It's burning me._


	3. Pretty

__

_The prettiest sight you’d ever see, You thought to yourself, was only me_

_I thought one day that I was pretty too, but ugliness, today, is all I am to you._

* * *

Yumichika loved him. He loved him so much. Yumichika had given him his twisted selfish heart, his soul, and his _life_ , his _dreams_ of becoming famous and rich. He’d given it all. He’d given his love and devotion, he’d given his body, and was willing to do whatever he said.

That’s why it ached so much when all of that wasn’t good enough, when Kaa had to hurt him, when the love of his life was only happy in the picture in his pocket, in his locket, in his hands.

Kaa was wonderful, he was _perfect_ and everybody loved him, and it had hurt Yumichika so much when his snarky back-talk or his attitude would make Kaa give him that frown, that frown that told him he’d be punished later for daring to go against him in public, or at all. He’d changed, he’d tried so hard to change and make Kaa happy again, and it had worked, slowly but surely.

It had started small, just little things like cursing at him when he got too lippy, or throwing whatever he was holding at him if he let his food get cold or if he came home late. Just little things that were caused by something Yumichika had failed at and needed to do better. If Yumichika had been good, none of this would have happened. Kaa wouldn’t have had to escalate this to such violence. It was _him_ who had turned such a perfect man into a monster. It was _him_ who had driven Kaa to drinking and to being violent during sex and to having to beat him so mercilessly.

He was worthless now. He didn’t recognize that happy confident face in his middle school yearbook, because he was no longer that person, that person with dreams and goals and a _life_ ahead of them.

Who would want him now? With Kaa hurting him so badly for his mistakes, no one would want him. Without Kaa, he would be dead in the gutter; he’d have no money, no job, no future, because he’d thrown his career away all for that man. How could Yumichika ever think of leaving after all the effort Kaa had put in trying to make him a better person? No, he didn’t want to leave. He’d _never_ leave. He loved Kaa, he loved him and carried him everywhere, always having that picture somewhere on his person.

All these little faults and mistakes that Kaa saw, all these things that Yumichika had never noticed about himself, all these things were making Yumichika start to question his own sanity and mental competence, and he no longer trusted himself to see his good points, his own beauty. He was starting to question whether he had ever been beautiful in the first place.

Kaa _had_ to do this to him. He was so normal and affectionate and perfect most of the time, which was why everybody loved him, and it was only when Yumichika was bad that he had to get tough. The pain wasn’t that bad, besides; He could cope even if it hurt. Yumichika must be being too sensitive, because he knew that this was the only way he would learn respect. Besides, it had only put him in the hospital what, two times maybe?

After all, it wasn’t as if Kaa _beat_ him. No, it wasn’t cruel or meaningless or even frequent. It was just punishment, maybe once or twice a month. This was all for the best.

Kaa was doing this for his own good.

That’s what he remembered when Kaa broke a beer bottle and tried to stab him with it for telling him he’d had enough to drink and should go to bed. That’s what he remembered when Kaa snared his fingers in his hair and made him kneel so he could cum on his face like he was some harlot and not his lover. That’s what he remembered when Kaa held his arm over the stove burner for _daring_ to have gotten a call from someone Kaa didn’t recognize. That’s what he remembered when Kaa would punch him in the stomach for coming home late, for being unfaithful by talking to another man for a few short minutes.

This was for his own good. Kaa was doing this for his own good. Kaa cared about him. That’s why he did all those things. It wasn’t as if Kaa really _wanted_ to hurt him, was it? No, Kaa was _forced_ to, because of Yumichika’s bad behavior.

This was for his own good. His own good. His own good. He’d be good. Yumichika would be good and things would go back to how they were before Kaa had started having to punish him.

Somehow, even as he thought of how good he had it with Kaa, clutching his precious picture to his chest, he found himself looking up, searching for another, for _him_.

He tried to think of what he was trying to do. He was trying to improve himself so that they could be happy again. Kaa would kiss his cheek like always and watch TV with him and hold his hand, telling him how beautiful and special he was. Things would be peaches and cream again. What Kaa was doing was all for the best.

But somehow, when Yumichika looked up at Ikkaku across the room and remembered the feelings they’d had for each other so long ago, Yumichika dreamed of a world where Kaa had never existed.

* * *

 Ikkaku found Yumichika after class in the student lounge with a stack of books. When he invited himself to sit next to Yumichika on the floor, the man looked up sharply, giving him a split second of seeing his entire face, with a little bit of that old passion and rudeness returning to his demeanor.

 Ikkaku looked in his eyes for as long as he could, not remembering the violet being so cold and frozen, so lifeless. Soon enough, they darted back down as Yumichika flitted them away from his gaze, back to where they always rested: on his middle, as if Yumichika couldn’t bear to look at his face. Ikkaku was starting to think that Yumichika might not be avoiding eye contact to purposefully ignore him, but perhaps it made him uncomfortable instead.

 He casually talked about the upcoming project to Yumichika, who looked like he didn’t understand how Ikkaku could act so familiar when they weren’t really friends these days. He hinted about being partners, and Yumichika nearly agreed, seeming hesitant.

 “I… I might not have the time to… arrange meetings and… well… My house is… Uh…” Yumichika cut himself off, holding his book up higher so he didn’t have to look at Ikkaku, who was getting discouraged. “I don’t think we can use my house to meet.”

He didn’t understand how Ikkaku could just waltz up to him like they’d never spent a day apart. How he loved that manic smile and that rough kindness and his sweet caring demeanor. He just loved that voice, even though it was so far away from his grasp. The distance between them had become far too great, and Yumichika could hardly bear it. He was _aching_ to be close to Ikkaku again. Ikkaku represented a happier time, his happy vibrant alive self.

He clutched at his chest where the photo lay taped to the inside of his sweater, and he tried to remember Kaa; he tried to think of how bad he’d be beaten if he let this go too far. He might end up needing to go to the hospital, and that would make more trouble for Kaa, racking up medical bills like that.

Ikkaku was dangerous.

“C’mon, it’ll be great. Ya’ don’t gotta’ worry about me slacking, I’ll work hard. I’ll take care of everything. We could even use Skype or something if you can’t invite me over. What do you say?”

Yumichika stuttered a little, and suddenly he stood up, grabbing his things. “I’m late,” he said quickly, before leaving swiftly to his next class, which Ikkaku was sure wasn’t for a while. He’d seen Yumichika dwindle away the afternoon many a time because of the long gap between his classes, so obviously, the man was avoiding him purposefully. Ikkaku sighed, resisting the urge to go home instead of waiting for Yumichika’s class to be done. He’d get him. He’d get him to give him a chance.

Maybe Yumichika was just extremely shy now – oh, but that couldn’t be it. Shy and Yumichika were words that were strangers to each other. Ikkaku just assumed that Yumichika didn’t like him or didn’t find him attractive, but he just knew that Yumichika had felt _something_ all that time ago.

He just _knew_ it.

* * *

Ichigo thought that the date had gone pretty okay. Grimmjow was more docile than normal, more likeable, and had even heckled a guy who had cut in line in front of them while they were ordering at a coffee shop. Ichigo assumed that getting angry on his behalf was as kind as Grimmjow could get.

He’d been borderline considerate, which was a little jarring to Ichigo, who had put up with his antics for the whole of the school year so far. For a little while, Ichigo had been confused, as if a Grimmjow doppelganger, clone, or twin had been switched out with the real one.

Where was the man who would whip it out and start jerking off in front of him just to irritate him? Where was the man who would yell at babies and kick puppies? Where was the badass who drank and swore and drove a motorcycle? Where was the pervert who didn’t really care about him, just the body that he happened to have? It seemed that he’d left town, because Grimmjow had almost been a gentleman, and part of it appealed to Ichigo. Just a little bit. He could see them in his minds eye, kicking ass at a club, drinking away their cares, carrying each other around on piggyback. It wasn’t that hard to believe now, with Grimmjow being more agreeable, and he almost liked it. Not like he’d ever admit that, of course.

Of course, that only lasted a little while, because here he was locked in a passionate kiss, held against a wall for the second time that day while Grimmjow kissed him like this.

Ichigo didn’t even know that you were supposed to use your tongue when you kissed, so he just stood there awkwardly while Grimmjow dominated his mouth, pressing his hips against his. He gave a little moan, immediately overcome by guilt when he got hard against Grimmjow’s insisting hands.

He closed his eyes and let Grimmjow kiss him, trying to enjoy it despite the uncertainty. He was a young man, he was supposed to like stuff _like_ this, he was supposed to _beg_ for it and search for it doggedly, so why did he feel so guilty caving in to those lips? He’d never been kissed like this, so physically, so invasively, and if he closed his eyes, it almost felt okay, even though the feeling of a tongue in his mouth was completely foreign. He’d assumed it would be hot and overly wet, but no, Grimmjow’s tongue was cool, and his probably was the same. He could taste beer and he could feel the sharp edges of Grimmjow’s teeth as Grimmjow sucked his tongue into his mouth, pulling on the ends of his hair. It felt so strange.

Grimmjow was sliding his hands up again to hold his arms there against the stone wall, and a little shiver went down his spine. If he didn’t know better, he’d say that feeling helpless turned him on, given how in-control he always needed to be about every other aspect of his life.

He could imagine seeing Grimmjow studying by a window with stupid reading glasses on, bringing him a beer to keep him quiet. He could see them riding on Grimmjow’s motorcycle, _way_ too high over the speed limit until the cops got them. He could see Grimmjow punching the hell out of him and then kissing him, spitting words with equal amounts of hate and love. He could see them somewhere, playing in puddles or on railroad tracks, acting like complete idiots but enjoying every minute. Maybe it was naive or sappy, but he could already see it, and some secret part of him liked the idea, he liked the idea of having this hot-headed loser there to make life interesting, a neverending argument of fire and ice, or something stupid like that. A person like Grimmjow, to be with someone like that meant having the spark or the passion never die, and that was an exciting prospect.

Ichigo tried to snake his hands into Grimmjow’s to twine their fingers, wondering how that would feel, to hold someone’s hand. Before he could do so, however, Grimmjow pulled back, glaring at him. “Hey, none’a’ that, now,” he said roughly, kissing him again to Ichigo’s dismay, because he knew he looked as helpless as he felt, and he was _not_ pitiful or pathetic or defenseless. He kept telling himself that if it went too far he could end this immediately. It’s not like Grimmjow could _make_ him do anything. It wasn’t like Grimmjow had a gun and was threatening him. He could stop any time he wanted.

He was trying so hard not to punch Grimmjow in the throat again, because he didn’t like this violation of his personal space. It was uncomfortable and new, and he felt guilty that it felt so good. He didn’t like this feeling of being dangled over empty space, feeling like his balance had been tipped and his control taken away, but God, did it give him shivers all over.

He had to remember that he’d agreed to this, he’d agreed to give the man a chance. He couldn’t punch him just yet and make him stop, no matter how uncertain this made him feel. He’d just try it for a little while, that’s all.

Grimmjow slid down his body, kneeling on the icy ground of the secluded passageway. Ichigo gave a little gasp as Grimmjow pinned his hips there against the wall on both sides, biting at his crotch. Ichigo immediately moved to push Grimmjow’s face back, pushing at his forehead, completely embarrassed that Grimmjow was touching such a private area, but Grimmjow didn’t let himself be shoved away and licked the front of his jeans obscenely.

"Ah-" Ichigo gave a surprised little noise of pleasure, hand going limp, slipping over Grimmjow’s face a little. He half-petted his hair as he melted, no longer trying to shove him back by the forehead. Grimmjow’s eyes flitted up to him, and the view made him feel embarrassed, but not enough that he tried to make Grimmjow stop. Ichigo used his other hand to cover part of his own face, his eyes in particular, because he couldn’t take that gaze when he was getting touched like this. Grimmjow expertly grabbed at him, unzipped his pants, and mouthed at the bulge in his underwear.

“Oh- _Ohh_ ,” Ichigo moaned in embarrassment, clapping a hand over his mouth, letting Grimmjow tease him with those nips and that heat for a few seconds longer. It was _extremely_ uncomfortable knowing that Grimmjow was looking straight at that _place_ , knowing that he was _touching_ it with his _mouth_. Good grief.

When the tingles died down, Ichigo regained his senses and pushed Grimmjow away with his foot. “No, no, stop,” he said breathlessly, pleased when Grimmjow at least listened to him and got back up.

“Why ya’ sayin’ stop? I can tell that ya’ like it, dandelion,” Grimmjow whispered in his ear as Ichigo hurriedly fixed the front of his pants, mortified at what Grimmjow had just done to him and how he could do it so casually in broad daylight without a hint of shame. What was this that they had between them that made Ichigo so hesitant to leave? Hot, boiling, erotic, passionate _fire_ , and _oh_ , how he loved it.

But of course, he couldn’t take the smug look on Grimmjow’s face, so his pride got in the way, yet again.

“No, I _don’t!”_ Ichigo said loudly, red in the face. “What you just- That just then, that was just… just… _cheating!_ ” He tried to rationalize it away. Yeah, it wasn’t as if his body knew who was doing this or just what kind of filthy player this guy was, right? How was his libido to know the difference from one touch to another? He wasn’t a pervert or easy, right? Grimmjow was taking advantage of him, that was it. It was Grimmjow’s fault that he’d gotten hard like this, yeah! Grimmjow couldn’t be faithful as far as he could be thrown, and Ichigo didn’t trust him one bit.

_‘No more of this. Cold turkey, Kurosaki. Right now, tell him to leave.’_

“I can make ya’ feel so much,” Grimmjow said with that cocky grin, and again Ichigo felt unsure of himself, some secret part of him wanting to try what Grimmjow said. This hot alluring tension between them was making him eager to stay. He held Grimmjow away from him, not letting him advance, but wasn’t pushing him away any longer…

It… It _had_ felt really nice. It might be nice to have somebody who would make him feel so good… Somebody to lay next to at night, maybe. It wasn’t as if Grimmjow was repulsive, in fact he was very good looking, and Ichigo hated how much he liked looking at him up close. His face was just… Wow, Ichigo was having a difficult time deciding, despite the sick shameful feeling he was getting in his stomach.

_‘Well…’_

Things like this, perverted things… that just wasn’t him, right? He didn’t _like_ what Grimmjow was doing to him, right? He didn’t _want_ it, did he?

“I’ve got so much to show you, sunflower.” Grimmjow snaked his hand down into Ichigo’s jeans, massaging his crotch. At that point, Ichigo’s brain was saying ‘no’, his heart ‘maybe’, and his crotch was _definitely_ considering letting this continue. In turn, Grimmjow took one of Ichigo’s hands and slowly moved it to the front of his own jeans. Ichigo’s eyes popped open at what he could feel under his hand, and his face went red as he snatched his hand back.

Grimmjow wormed his hand over Ichigo’s erection, still contained under the fabric of his underwear, but pressed up against the closed jeans. Ichigo immediately jolted, telling him to stop touching him out of reflex, but made no move to beat him into a pulp, and there was no doubt that Ichigo _could_. He was more than a fair match to the other man, even though he was a little smaller. He could beat Grimmjow up and make sure his over-sized dick would never function properly again, but here he was, letting Grimmjow touch him.

Oh, the shivery sensation and the tightness and the _feeling_ was just… _breathtaking_ … and Grimmjow knew _just_ how to grab him… Oh wow, this was...

“N… no, it’s…” Ichigo panted, conscience still fighting it as his head rolled back against the stone wall. Grimmjow moved to slip his hand into his underwear. Ichigo grabbed his wrist then, not letting him advance, so Grimmjow just went back to grabbing him and squeezing him through the fabric, not complaining. It was bad enough having Grimmjow touch him. He didn’t think he could take Grimmjow looking at him there or touching him directly; he’d die of embarrassment.

“I know you love what we got… You can feel it between us right now,” And oh _God_ , could he ever. It was like thick smoke, oppressive crackling static, or waves of psychic energy forcing them closer. “We’ve got chemistry,” Grimmjow said with that crooked grin that Ichigo hated and loved so much.

“We have chemistry _class!_ You’re fucking nuts!” Ichigo moved to push the man off him again, but Grimmjow gave him an expert squeeze, turning him to jelly. As a virgin who didn’t masturbate often, Ichigo just couldn’t defend himself against this pleasure, this pleasure that he rarely allowed himself. He’d never given himself an opportunity to discipline himself against caving in to this feeling. Just knowing how Grimmjow had turned him into a weak-kneed mess made him want to kick his ass to mars.

“Nuts for you… I could look at you for days… Love that fuckin’ innocent look you got… but I know you’d like takin’ it really hard,” Grimmjow licked his lips, pulling on the waistband of Ichigo’s pants and underwear with another finger so he could look down at what he was touching. Ichigo quickly tried to snatch it back shut to keep Grimmjow’s peeping-tom-eyes off of him.

“I’d- I’d rather take a soda can up my ass than _that!_ You’ve fucking _lost it!_ ” Ichigo shouted, still feeling boneless from being teased so much. He wanted so badly to punch that smug grin right off the guy’s face, because he knew he was right about liking how much they fought and how much tension it built up. He hit Grimmjow in the chest to get him to stop _looking_ at that part of his body, humiliated by the lustful gaze.

“C’mon now,” Grimmjow paused, taking his hand back out of Ichigo’s pants, whispering in his ear, “I know you’ll like it, it’ll be great. Studying will be so much fun after this. Life'll be one big roll-around adventure.” The allure of it was almost too great. The pleasure, the mystery, the constant intense feelings, and the emotional battles.

He wanted it, oh, how he wanted it. But, of course, he could never admit that. His pride wouldn’t allow it.

“No, fuck this, I’m reporting you as soon as I- There’s, there’s no way that I’ll-”

Ichigo tried to push him away, but then Grimmjow leaned in and whispered something in his ear, and his eyes narrowed. “I’ve got a secret to tell you.”

Ichigo’s mouth opened in shock, eyes going impossibly wide. 

* * *

 

_It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness._


	4. Lovely

__

_Sometimes people are beautiful. Not just in looks._

_Well of course you have looks, you pretty little star,  
_ _You’re like the golden sun that I read of in the books,  
_ _And you’re pretty in what you say, but especially in what you are._

* * *

Finally, Ikkaku just came out and said it. He followed Yumichika through the snow outside and asked him to wait up as he caught up to him on the sidewalk. Yumichika stopped, letting Ikkaku come near him as they stood in front of a dreary building, snow falling around them.

Yumichika kept glancing over at the street nervously as if he were waiting for someone to come and save him from having to talk to him. He kept scratching at his chest compulsively, and Ikkaku wondered if he had had a nervous breakdown or something. Maybe that was the reason Yumichika was so weird now. Had he hit his head and awoken some mental disorder? Had somebody hurt him? Had somebody convinced him that he was no longer pretty, that his flamboyant attitude was unacceptable?

Ikkaku struck up a conversation and then cut to the chase, asking him to go on a date with him, just something small like getting coffee or a pastry and talking for a while. Yumichika looked so beautiful out here in the snow with the tiny bit of color in his cheeks. He was so pale against the contrast of his black coat and grey scarf, that he almost seemed to glow. Out in the cold, Yumichika finally got some color in his pale creamy face; the tip of his nose was flushed, and the way the ice crystals landed in Yumichika’s dark hair just made him look like an angel.

“I can’t,” Yumichika said immediately, not meeting his eyes, seeming extremely interested with this spot in the middle of his plain t-shirt, visible where his coat was unzipped. Ikkaku tried not to get discouraged again, unable to make Yumichika look him in the eye, or even the face. Maybe Yumichika was playing hard to get.

“Not even a no? You _can’t?_ Why can’t ya’?” he asked, knowing about that phrase that ‘no doesn’t mean try harder’. He didn’t want to be annoying, or some stalker who wouldn’t leave Yumichika alone because he couldn’t take no for an answer. He just was lonely, damnit.

He just wanted Yumichika to give him a chance to show how good he could be. He wanted to fall in love with Yumichika again so badly; he just needed a chance to get to know him and he’d treat him so good like he had all that time ago. He could make him see that a risk was worth it, that he would be a good boyfriend.

“C’mon, you remember me from all that time ago… I assume you know that I’ve been chasin’ ya’ for like a _year._ That took serious guts to ask you out just now…” he admitted, face going a little red. He put his hood up before his head turned into a complete icicle, because steam freezes quickly, and he didn’t want to have to get his ears amputated from frostbite.

“What am I doin’ wrong? Why won’t ya’ let me near ya’? We used to be friends… What happened to that?”

Ikkaku touched his arm without thinking, because it was just something he did when around Renji, Ichigo, Hisagi, and the gang. He didn’t think about personal space, so he was extremely surprised when Yumichika audibly gasped and backed up, nearly slipping on a patch of ice.

Ikkaku tried to catch Yumichika, panicked about him slipping and maybe cracking his head open on the cement, so he grabbed Yumichika under the arms. Yumichika subconsciously grabbed onto the outside of Ikkaku’s coat to keep from falling, books spilling all over the pavement.

Yumichika’s jacket hadn’t been buttoned up, so it opened when Yumichika quickly bent down to gather up his things. Ikkaku caught sight of something on his cheek that had been hidden by hair before. It was a bruise, possibly a hickey, but who the hell got a hickey on their cheek? It didn’t really matter, because Ikkaku couldn’t tell the difference between a bruise and a hickey anyway.

It was dark and large, going across Yumichika’s eye and halfway down his cheek, and the concealer did little to hide the shadow it left on his face.

What he really noticed, was a crumpled up picture that was worn around the edges, that had fallen out of Yumichika’s shirt onto the wet slushy sidewalk. Yumichika immediately snatched it up and stuffed it back in there, freaking out a little over having dropped his homework all over the place.

Ikkaku helped him pick his stuff up, feeling bad when he saw that Yumichika was blushing and maybe about to cry. He looked distraught, humiliated, and _trapped_ , like he wanted to flee. “Woah, woah, don’t leave, don’t leave, I didn’t mean ta’ surprise ya’.”

“I have to go,” Yumichika said shortly, trying to get around him, face again engulfed in shadow by his curtains of hair.

“Please, just tell me why,” Ikkaku said lowly, trying to sound soothing and unthreatening. “What am I doing wrong, what is it that you don’t like about me? I’ll change, I just want a chance. Please at least tell me why you can’t. I _miss_ you.” Yumichika’s face softened, and he looked shy, blocking his face a little, peeking up at him.

Maybe Yumichika had an anxiety problem and didn’t do well with people like he had when he was young. Maybe Ikkaku was scaring him by being so persistent like this. He immediately felt guilty when he thought of that possibility. Poor guy, he hadn’t meant to harass him so much to the point that he would cry out of nervousness. Maybe he _had_ been shaking from anxiety earlier.

“Well…” Yumichika seemed to calm down a little but still looked uneasy, eyes flicking up to his face for a millisecond before darting back down. When Yumichika straightened up all the way, Ikkaku was surprised to see that Yumichika was taller than he’d thought. With his head always hanging down, he was a little hunched over, and his whole face was never visible at one time. It almost seemed like a natural position for Yumichika to be looking at the ground these days.

“I… have a…” Yumichika seemed to struggle for words then, looking around again in insecurity, doing that looking-away thing that people do when they’re trying to divert attention away from themselves.

“What, a boyfriend?” Ikkaku asked in disappointment. Damn, someone else had snatched him… Well… He supposed that was okay, he still wanted to get to know Yumichika. Who knew, maybe he could still date him if they broke up. As much as he hated cheaters and infidelities, he found that he was completely willing to be the ‘other man’ if it meant a chance to be close to Yumichika.

“I wouldn't really…” Yumichika wrinkled his nose and then gave a weary sigh, “Uh… call him a…” Ikkaku could see in Yumichika’s face that he had caved in and was going to let him see him. He started smiling, extremely excited by this prospect. “Look, maybe I can-” Yumichika started fumbling in his pockets for his phone or something, maybe to take down his number. Ikkaku nodded a bunch of times, grinning. The cold wasn't even bothering him anymore given how warm his heart had just gotten.

Yumichika was giving a shaky smile, eyes glittering with that fire that he’d had so long ago, and Ikkaku could almost believe that they were the same two people, that they were the same two lovesick children, that they had never spent a day apart, that Yumichika had never changed.

“Hey!” Yumichika immediately jumped, freezing, head raising a little, and Ikkaku caught the stricken look on his face and the way his _eyes_ just…  like a deer in headlights. Yumichika stood stock still for a second until he was called again, upon which he spun around with something like panic on his face.

“Who are you talking to?” Ikkaku looked up to the owner of the smooth charming voice, and saw an extremely handsome man with dyed red hair that was slightly darker than Renji’s. He’d seen this guy around before. The man was rich, slick, and really funny, really likeable. He was notorious for doing volunteer-work and donating to charities. He’d even helped Ikkaku rock a vending machine when his soda hadn’t come out. He was cool and nice, and everybody liked him, even Ikkaku did. Ikkaku didn’t remember his name, but it had something to do with snakes.

Aw man, was Yumichika dating _him?_ He didn’t have a chance in hell competing against a guy like this. Ikkaku slumped in disappointment as the man started approaching.

“Well… Uh…” Ikkaku tried to wrap up his conversation quick, because this was probably the guy who was going to drive Yumichika home. Maybe his brother, but probably his boyfriend. _God,_ he hoped not. “That’s okay,” he said to Yumichika, trying to tell him before the man approached. “I’d still like to spend some time with you. Anything’s fine, even just sitting in the library. I just wanna’ see you and do some catching up. We can work on that project together. Sound good?”

Yumichika hissed a yes without moving his mouth, not meeting his eyes as he whispered that they’d talk about it tomorrow if he’d just shut up and act oblivious.

The man approached, putting an arm around Yumichika’s shoulder. “Hm? Who’s this, Princess Yum-Yum? Huh?” The guy jiggled Yumichika a little, who stood there rather stiffly, face neutral and no longer afraid. In fact, now he looked nonchalant and almost bored.

“Ikkaku,” Ikkaku said immediately, a little bothered by the way the man had butchered Yumichika’s name just to be clever. Unfortunately, he said his name just as Yumichika blurted out ‘nobody’.

Yumichika’s eyes then turned ice cold, and his head raised as he looked at Ikkaku. His voice was no longer nervous or whispery, but harsh and haughty like it had been back in junior high. “I’m not interested in your stupid little study date. I would never work with someone as ugly as you,” Yumichika said in disgust, curling his lip, but somehow, Ikkaku couldn’t make himself believe that Yumichika meant it.

“I… I see,” Ikkaku said, a little confused and a little hurt, but he let Yumichika go away with that handsome guy, wondering if it was worth it to try to be competition with someone like that. He probably didn’t have a chance in hell, but he was going to keep trying.

If only to put the sparkle back in Yumichika’s eyes.

* * *

  _I don't think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains._


	5. Triad

_Nothing good can come from falling in love with a man who’s incapable of loving you back. Tragedy is beauty, but even a tragedy such as this never turns out pretty._

* * *

Renji lay there on the bottom bunk of the slightly too-small bunk bed of his and Ichigo’s dorm, feeling empty as he stared at the black bottom to the mattress above.

Grimmjow was out there right now, probably charming Ichigo with a pack of lies. What if Ichigo came back and decided that he’d picked Grimmjow and didn’t even want to give him a chance? What if Ichigo didn’t come back to their room _at all?_ What if he went and stayed over in Grimmjow’s dorm and… What if… What if Grimmjow convinced Ichigo to let him… No, no, no…

Renji lay there, wishing that he could cry, wishing that he could do something to let this aching out, wishing that he didn’t have to feel this way. He could deal with Ichigo being out of reach, always dangling tantalizingly in front of his face. He could deal with just being Ichigo’s friend; he could probably even deal with seeing Ichigo date that loser but…

What if Ichigo didn’t even _want_ to be his friend anymore? Ichigo’s… Ichigo’s _face_ when he’d realized how much he’d been betrayed… That had just broken Renji’s heart. Ichigo’s eyes, those warm brown eyes had held so much upset and _hatred_.

Had he ruined everything? Had all the trust and faith he’d generated over years disappeared just like that? Ichigo had looked at him like he was _filthy_ and _disgusting_ , like he’d done something horrible and perverted. He wasn’t like Grimmjow. He wasn’t. He wasn’t.

Renji was kind at heart despite his hot-headed easily-angered nature. He wasn’t bad. He’d taken care of Ichigo when he was sick, he’d helped him change when he’d broken his leg a few years back, he'd helped him in a target changing room to get off these extremely tight jeans that Rangiku had made him try on, he’d taken a shower with him in the high school locker rooms when they’d had gym together. He could control himself. He wasn’t some sicko who looked at Ichigo with lustful eyes when Ichigo was unaware. He hadn’t allowed himself to, knowing that the guilt would destroy him. He wasn’t that kind of person.

But did Ichigo know that? Did Ichigo think that all those years of being his friend were a lie? Maybe he thought that his loyal nature had been a facade, and that he really was some creep just waiting for a chance to get him alone so he could do what he wanted.

Renji lay there, head to the side, looking at the door. He hadn’t moved a muscle in over an hour, laying there atop the blankets in his baggy sweatpants and over-large grey sweatshirt. He’d changed into them earlier, no longer feeling like doing anything, not even blinking. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again, he wanted to bleed himself dry, starve slowly into the next era, where there would be flying cars and poisonous air. He sort of wanted to die, which was stupid. He hated feeling so pitiful and miserable like this, because he didn’t _really_ want any of that stuff. Somehow the pity party made him feel just a little better.

His heart was bleeding, and he could feel the sting keenly. The ache of keeping silent was so much worse now that he had finally confessed and seen Ichigo’s hostile reaction. He tried to imagine if Ichigo would still feel safe sleeping here in the same room with him. What if they were no longer roommates, or worse, no longer friends at all? What if Ichigo was going to spit on him and call him ‘ _faggot’_ like he was hucking a knife along with the word? What if Ichigo beat him up, had him lynched, outed him like some sicko fetishist or a pedophile?

Even if they were friends still, he knew that Ichigo’s trust would be forever shattered. Ichigo would no longer trust him without caution, without a wary wondering eye. He tried to imagine how it would be like to see Ichigo no longer feel safe sleeping at night in the same room with him, or not feeling comfortable with the casual touch that came with being long-time friends. Ichigo would shy away from certain topics, maybe not trust him anymore to rub his back when he was stressed. He would no longer feel comfortable changing around him, or being shirtless at the beach, or even with being alone in the same room. He might even be suspicious of Renji spiking his drinks.

Things wouldn’t be the same anymore, and Renji knew it, and it hurt, it hurt so much.

He’d decided that he wasn’t going to make Ichigo go on a date with him; in fact he wasn’t even going to ask. That hadn’t been his motive in the first place. He’d just wanted to confess, he hadn’t wanted to have to compete with Grimmjow.

He just wanted to talk, if Ichigo would listen. Renji just wanted to explain himself and tell Ichigo that what he felt was nothing like how Grimmjow felt. He’d make Ichigo see that all he wanted was for them to wake up together and have him smile that special smile that he rarely showed to anyone but him. All he wanted was to be able to ruffle his hair and wrestle him and argue like they’d always done before. He wanted the name-calling, the insanely competitive pokemon battles, the playful shoulder punches, and the fighting over the remote. He wanted things to be just like they were, with them being best friends, but with _more_.

He wanted to be able to hold Ichigo’s hand for a little while, not just because he was too drunk to stand after their last barfight. He wanted to make Ichigo snacks, not just because Ichigo had forgotten to eat because of exams, but because he wanted to do something nice for him. He wanted to do sappy shit and treat Ichigo like his boyfriend. He wanted to call him sweet names, kiss his cheek, ruffle his hair, do anything that would get Ichigo to do that little embarrassed act: blushing, swearing, and hitting him in the shoulder.

For the thousandth time, Renji blinked, swallowing, trying to get control of himself. All that these delusional fantasies were doing was causing him more heartache. He couldn’t keep imagining shit like this, because it was never going to happen, and there had never even been a possibility of it occurring. He was pathetic. A doormat, who had waited around for years with his own stupid hang-ups, completely desperate and lonely. It was just stupid, really, but he couldn’t move on.

It was still mid-afternoon, and Grimmjow and Ichigo’s fake non-consensual date was probably finished by now. He didn’t want to go through with the plan. He didn’t want to take Ichigo somewhere and see his displeasure. He didn’t want to make Ichigo go on a date with him against his will, just so he could get his hopes up and then be disappointed later.

He didn’t want to hear Ichigo choose between the two of them and reject him directly. He wouldn’t be able to take it. He hadn’t wanted things to go this way.

Footsteps approached the door for the tenth time in the past hour, but this time they didn’t fade again as they passed by. The door handle twisted, and Renji could see Ichigo’s silhouette as he stumbled inside. He was breathing so heavily, fog coming from his mouth, showing that he had been outside, perhaps running or doing _other_ things.

Sure enough, his clothes were disheveled and his mouth was red and wet, and Renji could see that his neck was raw where someone had bitten and sucked at it. The front of his pants was especially telling. There was an obvious bulge.

The stab to his heart was so intense that he could hardly take it, convulsing once in horror as he imagined just what Ichigo had been doing with the blue-haired thief.

Renji’s face screwed up as if he were going to start to cry, but he just met Ichigo’s eyes with shame and anger and rolled over in the other direction, not looking at him so Ichigo could change into something more comfortable, like he always did when he came back from classes.

“Why are you dressed like that?" Ichigo demanded roughly, voice cracking a little. He cleared his throat and repeated himself. “I thought you were gonna’ drag me somewhere now too.” Renji’s hope must still have been lingering, because he could have sworn that Ichigo sounded a tad disappointed, even through the rough tone of feigned disinterest.

Renji twitched but didn’t reply. He lay there, not daring to move lest he jostle the emptiness inside him into breaking through his numbness. He couldn’t take this anymore. For a moment, he was afraid that Ichigo was angry enough that he might actually hit him or something, _really_ hit him, with the intent of hurting him. He hadn’t wanted to upset Ichigo so much. This was all such a mess.

Ichigo huffed when he didn’t reply, muttering a ‘fine then’ as he peeled his coat off and changed clothes, or Renji assumed he did from the sounds. After about three minutes of quiet, Renji looked over his shoulder to see Ichigo where he was sitting in front of their little space heater, staring straight back at him.

“Well?” Ichigo’s tone was sour and his face was filling with true anger.

With a heavy heart, Renji sat up and swung his legs over the edge of his bunk, leaning his elbows onto his knees and his chin into his hands, feeling pitiful. Fuck, he hated being sad, it made him feel so weak, pathetic, and useless. Usually he could mask his depression well enough that Ichigo wouldn’t notice, but he didn’t have the strength to do so today.

They didn’t speak for a while, just looking at each other.

“… How… How long,” Ichigo finally said, looking at him with a hint of disgust. “How long have you been hiding this?”

“A long time,” Renji answered honestly, hesitantly meeting his eyes with a sigh, not responding to Ichigo’s hostility with anything but calmness, not wanting this to escalate into a fist-fight. “A very long time.”

Ichigo gave a huff and a little noise of upset, rolling his eyes, lip curling. Bitterness welled up within Renji, along with nausea at how much it hurt to see Ichigo look at him like that.  “What, ya’ can’t handle finding out that your friend’s gay? Ya’ didn’t look at _Grimmjow_ like that, what’s wrong with _me_ , huh?” Ichigo scowled, going a little red, fidgeting. “You don’t have to look so grossed out. What, ya’ think gays are contagious or something?”

“ _No_ ,” Ichigo said vehemently, looking away stubbornly.

Renji sighed, anger leaving suddenly, plunging him back into cold listlessness. He felt like going to sleep and never waking up again. “Look…” Renji said, head in his hands, “I… I don’t expect anything. I’m not gonna’ make ya’ come on a date with me or do this stupid agreement thing from earlier. None of this was my idea, I never planned for Grimmjow to show up or, or any of this. It’s all a misunderstanding.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ichigo asked tightly, still pointedly not looking at him with an angry expression that was somehow different from his normal scowl. There was a twinge of hurt and betrayal in his stance, a bitter sort of ire. “Huh? From the sound of it, you had _a long time_ to get around to telling me. You didn’t even give me the choice of whether or not to trust you anyway… Huh? What was I supposed to do, changing in front of a pervert that I thought was my friend, and now I find out that you were peeping on m-”

“ _No!_ ” Renji shouted, eyes crazed, staring at Ichigo with his hands fisted in his own hair, “I’ve never done that! I’d never _do_ that! _Don’t you say that about me!_ ”

“Tch’,” Ichigo spat, putting an elbow on one of his crossed legs, chin resting on his palm. “So why then, huh? I don’t give a fuck if you’re gay… You, you just didn’t…. Why _me?_ It’s not fair to me if I’m living with you and you’re not saying anything. Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“I… I was afraid of a reaction like _this!_ ” Renji said a bit too loudly, cutting himself off as he wiped his face to get control of himself. “Look, I know that it’s wrong, and I knew that you wouldn’t like it and stuff, so I tried… I tried ta’ deal with it, ya’ know? Ta’ make it go away, but it _didn’t_.” Renji looked up at Ichigo with bitterness, lip twitching. He bit it viciously, eyes flicking away from Ichigo’s pissed face. He couldn’t let Ichigo make him angry or everything would get even worse.

“I can’t help what I feel, don’t you think I feel guilty? You think it doesn’t haunt me at night that I feel that way for my best friend? I _tried_ to get rid of it, damnit… It’s stayed there for so damn long and it just gets worse with time,” Renji’s voice was a little raspy, but was calm now as he tried to make Ichigo understand. At least Ichigo was listening instead of just punching his teeth in. No, no, he had to stay calm. Further provoking Ichigo would be the worst thing he could possibly do.

“Still…” Ichigo said roughly, looking a little guilty along with his anger, as if he felt bad for yelling at him for something he couldn’t control. “Still, if you felt like that, you should have told me.”

“I… I was _going_ to tell you, don’t you see? I was going to tell you when we met up today, but bitchface came outta’ nowhere and fuckin’ sabotaged me, sayin’ that he was gonna’ ask you on a date before I could tell you… And then… then, I couldn’t let him just… I guess I just panicked, and…” Renji sighed, looking up at Ichigo, whose gaze was now fixated on the window. He didn’t look mad anymore, as if he was trying to empathize with Renji’s situation.

“I… I wasn’t even gonna’ ask you out, Ichigo, I was just gonna’ tell you how I felt… I was gonna’ confess and tell you the truth, because… Like you said, you feel betrayed that… I’ve… compromised your… _you_ , I mean. I know there’s certain things… you wouldn’ta’ done… in front of me… and… I felt _bad,_ ya’ know? I’ve lived like this so long being so guilty and… I just… everything’s ruined, huh,” Renji said miserably.

“I’m pissed, sure…” Ichigo said slowly, and Renji could hear him taking himself out of the situation to look at it as a stranger, to force himself to be fair. “I’m pissed that a couple queers are trying to grab my ass in public and embarrass me in front of people. I’m pissed that my best friend didn’t tell me something so big and then had the nerve to act like some stranger from a club asking for my number. I’m fucking _pissed_ that you didn’t say anything for all that time.” Ichigo’s gaze was dark and brooding again.

“I’m furious that you’ve been fucking l-... lusting after me for years and that you didn’t say shit, cause’ I never would’ve shared the shower or laid next to you at night if Ida’ known that you were being such a creep. I’m so fucking mad it’s unbelievable… but still… I… I feel bad for you… I know that that must be an awful thing to keep inside, and I know that you had a rotten childhood, and that feelings like this are something nobody can help… and, I’m sorry… okay?” Ichigo looked up at him, eyes soft and kind, like how they were when he looked at a crying child.

“You look like hell, honestly,” Ichigo mumbled, looking guilty, going back under his veneer of upset. “And earlier you looked like you wanted ta’ kill yourself… When I came in and saw you lying there like that, I thought you’d cut your wrists for a second... so… I just wanna’ say that it doesn’t bother me that you’re gay… or that… or that I’m living in a room with a gay man… Or that you’ve got… feelings,” Ichigo forced out, scowling that scowl he did when he was trying to cover up inappropriate emotions like guilt, fear, or surprise.

“I… I can’t promise to… to ever return… what… what you feel,” Ichigo went on, “And… ya’ still haven’t exactly told me what you were planning to say to me, but… I gave that asshole a chance, so I think… that since you’ve been my friend for so long… that if anyone deserved a chance, it would be you.” Renji looked up in disbelief. “Wouldn’t it?” Ichigo said a little uncertainly, trying to be fair, looking vulnerable for a moment before going back under his scowly shell when Renji didn’t immediately respond.

Renji was quiet for a full minute, staring back at Ichigo with a deadpan expression. “You’re pitying me,” he said slowly, with realization coloring his voice. Then his eyes grew sour and upset, “You don’t really mean that. You just feel bad. I told you that nothing has to change. I don’t want it if you don’t mean it,” he said bluntly, pulling his legs back up onto the bed, wrapping his arms around them.

Ichigo tried to interrupt, but Renji looked at him again, shouting to cut him off, voice cracking a little. He was growing angry and bitter and he could no longer take it. “Just _shut up!_ Don’t you think I can see how disgusted you are? You’re… You probably think I’m some filthy faggot or something! Don’t pretend like…” Renji took a breath and then turned away. “Don’t pretend like you aren’t completely revolted by knowing what I think when I look at you… Why would you wanna’ give me a chance, anyway? That’s fucking stupid.”

Ichigo squirmed uncomfortably. “I… I don’t think you’re disgusting, Renji… I’m just not gay… I said I’d try ta’ come ta’ terms with it, isn’t that enough? I’m just not gay, alright?”

“Well, what are you then?” Renji asked angrily. “It’s not like you date women either, huh? What the hell are you?”

“I…” Ichigo stopped, thinking for a moment, “Ya’ know, I don’t know… You know I’ve always had problems with stuff like that. I don’t get crushes or… I just don’t… _feel_ it, I guess. Almost like it’s not worth the time.”

Renji was quiet for a while. “You let _Grimmjow_ do that to you. What was _that,_ then, huh? _That_ wasn’t gay?”

“I don’t know!” Ichigo shouted defensively, red in the face when he thought of what had happened earlier, the groping that Renji didn’t know about. “It’s not like I asked him to do that, I… He just… surprised me.”

Renji put his head in his hands, upset that Ichigo didn't seem to realize how much that had hurt him to see. He knew that Ichigo was right, and somehow he couldn’t blame him. Grimmjow _was_ a pervert, he was admittedly intimidating and overwhelmingly forward, and Ichigo was right about not asking him to do that. He picked his head up, looking at Ichigo, heart aching as he decided to let the issue drop for the moment. “Okay. You know what?”

“What?”

“Come sit over here.” Ichigo listened, cautiously getting up on the bed next to Renji. “I don’t wanna’… gross you out, or something, or piss you off anymore, but… Let’s just pretend… that… this morning never happened.”

“Okay,” Ichigo said, playing along with distrustful eyes. His tone was still embarrassed, but sour and angry, because when Ichigo was embarrassed, he got furious and irrational to cover it up.

“Ichigo… You’ve been my friend for so long. You… You gave me a future… You showed me that just because I was an orphan with nobody who loved me, didn’t mean I had to have bad grades or resign myself to being a failure. You’re the one who convinced me to go to college.” Ichigo shifted uncomfortably at the tone in Renji’s voice. Somehow, Grimmjow’s perverted advances were easier to bear than this. The way Renji was _looking_ at him, oh, it gave him chills, and he didn’t know if he liked it or not.

“You’re the one who gave me a family, and you’re the one who always believed in me. You gave me my first birthday present… You never treated me like I was at a disadvantage or like I was worthless. You were the first person to see me like that, not just like every adult who’d see me and think that I was just another bastard illegitimate child poisoning their air. You made me… feel like… a person… who deserved to live,” Renji said shakily, “Who… who had great things ahead of them.” He looked up at Ichigo, who was blushing intensely, scowling, looking embarrassed.

“I’m not joking. I’m dead serious… I’d never… creep on you like that either,” Renji said in dismay, trying to get Ichigo to believe him. “You know me… I… I’ve taken care of you when you were delirious from fever before, I’ve helped you get your clothes on when you broke your leg, I’ve… I’ve… You know I hate stuff like that, cause’ it happened to me; I’d never turn around and do it to someone else. God, just _thinking_ about doing something to you while you’re drunk or… or loopy, it just turns my stomach. I’d never cave in to doing something like that, okay? Don’t be… Don’t be scared of me.”

Ichigo scoffed bitterly, but nodded uncomfortably, perhaps starting to accept the fact that Renji wasn’t some sexual deviant who had taken advantage of his trust.

“I… I started getting feelings for you in high school. Maybe it’s just because I was abused as a kid and got… touched the wrong way when I was so little. Maybe that’s what made me fall for a guy, maybe I’m all messed up in the head, I don’t know, but… All I know is that… I… I have feelings for you, feelings that I shouldn’t have, and I’ve tried so hard to make them go away. I spent so long keeping them secret, because I knew it would break your trust and that you’d be upset like this… and that you wouldn’t look at me the same ever again.”

Ichigo bit his lips a little, shifting uncomfortably, looking up at him, still a little angry.

“I tried to forget about them, but they never… went away,” Renji whispered, looking into Ichigo’s eyes without blinking, “And… that’s how I know they must be real. This isn’t some crush or wanting to hook up for one night. I… I _want_ you,” Renji breathed shamefully, leaning forward, letting his hair cover his eyes. “No… It’s your heart that I want.”

Ichigo looked back at him, jaw slack, seeming to only stay sitting there because Renji wasn’t trying to touch him.

“I know you don’t get crushes and that you don’t date or… or sleep with anyone, and I know that stuff like this fucking _bothers_ you, so… I didn’t expect you to change for me or something, okay? Sure, I had hope, but how couldn’t I?... I’m not… I’m not asking for a chance or anything, I just wanted to finally tell you, so that you have a choice to deal with things how you want…”

“Why,” Ichigo asked suddenly, not meeting his eyes, “Why… Why me? Why _me_ , huh? Just cause’ I was your first friend and the first one who treated you like a person, you… you, you- That doesn’t mean that… You can’t just-“

“No, you don’t get it, it’s not some fluke. It’s not just because of that,” Renji said. “I don’t feel how Grimmjow feels,” he tried to tell him, clenching his fists helplessly. “I don’t wanna’ get you in the sack like he does… What I feel… It’s… When I see you do that smile… the… the sun could go out… and I wouldn’t care,” he swallowed, looking down at his lap for a while, knowing that that had been incredibly sappy. Ichigo made a little noise of frustration, shoving him over, telling him not to say stuff like that. Renji scowled, but went on, frown lines slowly melting away as he thought of how things could be.

“I… I watch you…” Renji continued wistfully, seeming to be entranced by Ichigo’s face, looking at him desperately and with such a pained expression that Ichigo couldn’t handle looking back at him and his puppy-dog eyes.

“Don’t fucking say weird shit like that to me, I’m warning you,” Ichigo said heatedly, blushing hard as he listened to Renji talk about him that way. “You’d better cut it out-” Somehow he looked even more bothered than when Grimmjow had groped him earlier. It was easy to be mad at somebody who was telling you how they’d like to grope you. It was really hard to be angry at someone who was telling you how much they love you.

“I watch you fight and beat people’s asses, and the look in your eyes… I… The way you argue with me and tell me jokes and… the way you sound when you laugh… your road rage, how much you love your sisters… your… your stupid way of stacking the dishes in the sink, I just can’t help myself but want to be your best friend forever… I… There’s something about you… I think that everyone you meet falls a little bit in love with you. You’re really something special, and people can feel that.” Ichigo twitched a little, jaw going slack at what Renji had indirectly admitted.

“So, I guess I’m not asking for anything here… I… I just wanted to tell you… You’re still my best friend, and… nothing has to change.”

“But you want it to,” said Ichigo, looking back at him without blinking, still a little red in the face as he listened to his roommate talk about him in such a way. It was very different from Grimmjow, who used his hands more than his words. Somehow he couldn’t be angry at Renji, he couldn’t hate him, but he still scowled to keep from looking like the sweet words had gotten to him and turned him to mush inside.

But he knew it deep in his bones: With Grimmjow he had felt bad saying yes, and with Renji now, he felt bad saying _no._

_ _

“No, I… Yes, I don’t know,” Renji sighed. “I used ta’… think that if you’d ever give me a chance, I’d still want things to be the same between us… I like how we wrestle and… argue and call each other names and shit. It would be just like that, but with… more,” he said wistfully, sighing.

Ichigo was quiet for a long time, fidgeting, conflicted. “Ya’… ya’ want me ta’… deny you or something, or… straight out reject you… How can I say yes or no like this… How am I supposed to hurt your feelings like that?”

“Trust me, Ichigo, I knew deep down that I never had a chance,” Renji said miserably, “I’ve dealt with this for years. I’ll be fine, don’t feel bad, man,” he said, almost sounding like his old self. Ichigo looked at him with narrowed, pissed eyes, feeling guilty when he realized how seamlessly Renji could fool him into thinking he was fine.

“Yeah, but… earlier, when… when I was with Grimmjow, I… he made me-“

“Don’t tell me what he did,” Renji said through gritted teeth, “I can see the hickeys on your neck, I don’t wanna’ hear that you’re dating him now, okay? When you pick him, I don’t want you ta’ fucking tell me. Just let me go to bed so I can cry myself to sleep.”

“I gave him a chance and it wasn’t so bad, so maybe being with a guy wouldn’t be the end of the world if it came down to it.“ Ichigo shook his head at the guilt-trip, knowing it was just Renji’s way of making himself feel better. “He made me realize that I… maybe… Maybe I can,” he said hesitantly, twiddling his thumbs as his cheeks flushed again.

“Can what?” Renji turned and looked at him incredulously with hesitance, not allowing himself to hope. Was he really? No… no, it couldn’t be.

“I mean… maybe I could try… I could try ta’… ya’ know,” Ichigo finished lamely, peeking at him with eyes that looked almost shy, along with that defensive scowl. “As long as you don’t shout it from the rooftops or tell anyone right away, maybe I could try and… yeah.”

Renji turned slowly, fingers twitching, wanting to grab Ichigo’s hands. He wished Ichigo would just come out and say it instead of prancing around it like that. “You’re not… You’d really… try to make yourself feel that way just so that I… wouldn’t be sad?”

“You’re a fucking _nut_ when you’re sad,” Ichigo whined, rolling his eyes in exasperation. “I just, I mean… I said I gave Grimmjow a chance, and you’ve been here so long that it doesn’t seem fair ta’ kick your ass and forget you,” he cleared his throat, looking extremely embarrassed, “Can’t believe I’m saying this… I just… part of me… Uh, maybe I could try ta’… even though it’s fucking gross and embarrassing… I could try ta’… date you… for real, and go along with the… the agreement from before.”

Renji just stared at him for a full twenty seconds before he calmly stood up, walked into the bathroom, and stuck his head under the sink, turning on both of the knobs, soaking the back of his sweatshirt.

“What the- What the hell are you _doing?! Say_ something, don’t just go-“ Ichigo dragged him out of the bathroom, chucking him and his dripping wet hair onto the carpet, scowling at him with red cheeks. “You know how many teeth I just pulled saying that out loud?! That fucking deserves a response!”

“Sorry, I just think I’ve lost my mind. I’m… getting delusional, I think I ate some bad tuna for lunch,” Renji mumbled, crawling towards the bed, “I just need ta’… get some sleep,”

Ichigo kicked him in the rear, knocking him onto his face. “Fuckin’ _say something_! I just shoved my pride out the window ta’ say that ta’ you, and you’re not gonna’ say anything?!”

“ _Fine!_ ” Renji whipped around and started shouting at him, glad to let out some of this tension and pain. “I think you’re just confused now that you got turned on when Grimmjow groped you, and now you think you’re spoiled or something and that you have to date a man, and you think you owe me something because you’re guilty, because _I’m a complete fucking baby who can’t control his own feelings!_ ”

“Shut up! I said I’m giving you a chance, you’re supposed to be happy, aren’t you?!” Ichigo shouted right back, incredulous. “I just said that I’d try for you even though it’s fucking disgusting and creepy! Because you’re my _friend!_ I just said I’m giving you a chance, you stupid piece of shit! What the fuck, have you finally lost it or something?!”

“When he kissed you like that, I felt like dying,” Renji said honestly, and Ichigo looked surprised at the sudden diffusion of tension, at the way Renji switched so easily from rage to complete nothingness. Renji crawled head first under the covers, pitiful and wet, feet sticking out to rest on his pillow. His voice was muffled under the comforters, and a wet spot was forming where his hair was under the blankets. Ichigo shook his head, rolling his eyes, suddenly fighting back a smile despite the situations. Renji was such a fucking dork that he couldn’t help it.

Renji voice came out from the banket lump, causing Ichigo to grimace, “And you’re _not_ giving me a chance, I’m just daydreaming or something. There’s no way you’d do that. Nobody’s that nice.”

Ichigo’s eyes widened and he felt rage boiling up in him again. “You idiot!” Ichigo yanked the blankets off his bed and glared at him, pinning him down on the mattress by straddling him like he always did when they wrestled. Renji’s heart jolted as he felt Ichigo hold down his arms, body so close to his own. He looked up through his wet hair at his roommate, who suddenly looked embarrassed and awkward, like he didn’t know why he’d just done that. Just as Renji had suspected, things were different now that Ichigo knew the truth. He backed up off of Renji, squirming to the other side of the mattress as if he thought he could contract ‘gay’ by touching him too much.

“I… I mean it,” he said, not taking it back, despite the awkward look on his face that suggested that he wanted to back out. “I’d… I’d try… if you want, I mean.” Renji stared at him for a while before hesitantly creeping forward. Ichigo closed his eyes as if waiting for something, as if he expected Renji to be like Grimmjow and to immediately start ravishing him. “I’m telling you though, I’m not gay! I’m _not!”_

With an unsure hand, Renji reached out and lightly brushed the side of Ichigo’s face, biting his lips hard when Ichigo flinched, not opening his eyes. Then he looked down at Ichigo’s hands and took one between his own, bringing it up to his forehead, screwing his eyes shut, treasuring this moment.

“I’m serious… you’d better….” Ichigo tried really hard to be mad to keep from seeming soft, but the way Renji was squeezing his hand with that look on his face… it just… part of it made his heart feel warm, and it felt so much better than those tingles he’d gotten from Grimmjow earlier. It was happiness rather than physical pleasure, and it felt… oh, it felt wonderful being so happy, so deliriously happy that you can hardly keep a smile off your face. He didn’t even question the feeling and just watched Renji sit there in front of him. He could _feel_ that Renji was serious, that Renji meant it and was hopelessly, deeply, head-over-heels for him.

“You’re way too nice for your own good,” Renji choked out with a shuddery sigh. His whole being was flooding with hope now that he’d been presented with this tiny opportunity, and he felt deliriously happy and relieved, even knowing that this meant Grimmjow still had a chance to snatch Ichigo away.

The battle for Kurosaki Ichigo’s heart had begun. “Thanks so much for this, Ichigo, you won’t regret it.”

“Yeah, yeah, shut up… I’d _better_ not regret it.”

* * *

 

 _Expectations will kill you, because they’re spoken too soon  
_ _You know what the say about the early mouse,  
_ _But it’s better than realizations, because they’re always late  
_ _You smell smoke, and then see your burning house._

 


	6. Radiant

_You’re so pretty in what you do, and everything you think,  
_ _That I can hardly close my eyes, and I dare not blink_

* * *

The next day, Yumichika was late to class.

Ikkaku had seized the opportunity when he came early and saw that Yumichika wasn’t already there like usual. Of course, he was a little disturbed, because Yumichika was _always_ early, which was why Ikkaku had come early today, to try to snag a spot next to him again.

He’d sat down in slight concern, putting his pencil case and books on the table in front of the spot next to him, hoping that Yumichika would come in when there were only a few spots left so that he’d be forced to sit next to him.

Yumichika showed up just after class started, panting and dragging himself into the room. He’d obviously been running through the freezing downpour outside and all through the school halls to make it on time. Perhaps he’d fallen a couple times in the puddles and ice, maybe tripped down the slippery steps, because he was walking funny. He looked up as he continued apologizing to the professor that he was dripping on the carpet, and suddenly he stopped dead, staring straight at Ikkaku, realizing that the only available seat was right next to him.

Ikkaku just stared back, mouth opening a little, jarred at suddenly being able to see his entire face at one time. The professor actually sounded concerned about Yumichika, letting his lateness slide because he was such a good student.

Yumichika’s shoulders immediately slumped, and with a look of dread, he dragged himself over and flopped down in the chair, making sure everybody knew that he didn’t want to sit near Ikkaku.

Ikkaku looked at him in concern, noticing the slight limp in his gait, wondering if he’d tripped on the ice or the stairs on the way here. Poor guy, his face was pinching every time he took a step, betraying the stiffness and pain.

“Are you okay?” he asked in a low voice, watching Yumichika peel his coat off of his back and hang it on his chair, sitting and trying to keep everyone’s attention elsewhere. Yumichika practically curled up in a ball, putting a hand up to his face so that he couldn’t see everyone’s stares.

“I’m fine,” he hissed, not even turning to look at him. Ikkaku tapped him a couple times until he snapped a ‘what’. Ikkaku bit his lip, not saying anything, but handed him his sealed drink container.

“I don’t drink coffee,” Yumichika said immediately, pushing it away from him, but Ikkaku made him take it, telling him it was Ovaltine, not coffee. Yumichika sighed in exasperation, taking a sip of the warm chocolate drink to appease him, but then took it away from his face and stared at it with round eyes and a ravenous expression. Ikkaku watched as Yumichika started gulping it down, probably scalding his throat in the process of drinking it too quickly.

Ikkaku left him alone then, sensing that Yumichika would bite off his head if he pushed him any further. He’d obviously had a bad stressful morning. Ikkaku remembered what Renji had said about Yumichika being rather introverted and defensive these days, so he backed off, allowing Yumichika some space despite his concerns.

It would probably take some time to really get someone like Yumichika, and that was okay with him. He could wait. He’d waited years already.

Eight years. He’d been here eight years, waiting and keeping his distance. He could outlast this guy. He could outlast everyone, just like Renji could for Ichigo, and he knew that every single second would be worth it once he got Yumichika to give him his heart.

He was ready.

* * *

Ichigo had been gone for quite a while, which was normal, given that Ichigo had classes for most of Tuesday morning. Renji, however, had Tuesday’s off, so usually he was studying or lazing about as he watched TV and completed homework, waiting for his buddy to come home so they could play video games and eat pizza pockets.

Today was different, however, and Renji didn’t know how to feel.

Part of him was happy, joyful, _ecstatic_ even, that Ichigo had been… well not exactly _receptive_ , but relatively accepting of his feelings, and had even half-agreed to give him some sort of opportunity to prove himself, what with this weird date-arrangement that they had going.

The other half of him was scared shitless that he was going to lose Ichigo to Grimmjow and his never-innocent hands. He’d _seen_ how Grimmjow could make even a conservative stand-offish person like Ichigo turn into somebody who would at least _consider_ bending over the nearest flat object. How could he compete with the campus’ best-known player?

Well, it wasn’t exactly as if there were rumors that confirmed Grimmjow as a player, it was more his demeanor than anything that confirmed to Renji that Grimmjow had a lot of freaky, risky, casual sex with nearly anyone, nearly anywhere. It was actually pretty intimidating to Renji that the blue-haired freak could get even _Ichigo_ in the mood. Renji didn’t know how to compete with that, and it freaked him out.

After last night, he was beginning to think that Ichigo really might be able to develop feelings for him, or at least come to terms with this and leave everything neutral. Ichigo had been surprisingly forgiving and open to the idea, however reluctant and hesitant he sounded. At the same time, Renji knew that this was mainly because Ichigo felt unfair giving an asshole like Grimmjow a chance - whom Ichigo had held a long history of hatred with - when he wouldn’t give his best friend of years one. Ichigo really was generous to a fault at times.

Renji lay there in bed for a while, got up to pace, washed his hair, then paced some more. From there, he lied down on the floor, ate a whole bag of chips like some starving maniac, and fidgeted a whole lot. What on earth could they be doing? What were they doing right now? Ichigo had made it clear before he’d left that morning that it would be Grimmjow’s turn to take him somewhere, even though Renji hadn’t actually had a turn yet, so Renji would be a complete fool not to think that they were off somewhere making out.

The logic had apparently been that Renji had forfeited his turn by not taking Ichigo on a date last night, so obviously it was Grimmjow’s turn again. That made absolutely no sense, because he and Ichigo had still spent a lot of time together last night, talking about what was going to happen, seeing that they were roommates, so it wasn’t as if Renji hadn’t done jack shit.Then again, that point would aid Ichigo’s argument further.

 _‘God, oh God, what could they be doing?’_ Renji thought in paranoia. He got up, realizing that his thumb was bleeding where he’d chewed the nail down. His other fingers were in bad shape as well, and he’d mangled his hair from how roughly he’d combed it earlier. This whole situation was fucking him up. Seriously, he felt like bugs were crawling all over him and he was scratching like crazy, all of his old childhood problems returning as they always did in moments of high stress.

He was going nuts, hunger curling in his gut, and he knew it couldn’t be real hunger because he’d just eaten a ton; it was just one of those phantom hunger pains that haunted him still from the days he’d been starving, eating out of trashcans in the dead of winter when the orphanage wouldn’t feed him. Tears were coming to his eyes, but he didn’t let them fall as he gulped down glass after glass of water, trying to soothe the burning in his throat, the horrible burning that he also knew was just imagined pain.

Oh _God_ , did he hate spicy food. Yumichika’s chip dip was the only spicy thing he could eat anymore, because Yumichika knew the meaning of the word ‘moderation’. He hated that feeling of waking up so starving that he could hardly stand, waking up in a cold sweat trying to wrestle off the blankets which felt like big arms holding him, waking up clawing at his throat trying to stop the horrible burning in his mouth. It was embarrassing and pathetic, nothing like the strong brave man he tried to be.

Why couldn’t Ichigo come home and give him an ice cube like he always did when he could see he was upset? Ichigo always knew when he was having problems and never teased him or said anything about it; he just helped him feel better by making him a milkshake or putting on an old movie while brushing his hair to calm him down. Ichigo knew all about his childhood, just as Renji did his.

Renji sucked at the blood seeping from under his nail, extremely hesitant to think about breaking that trust and that bond that they had. He didn’t want to do it, but he just couldn’t handle this pain or these memories causing him such agony. He _had_ to go out and follow Grimmjow and Ichigo around, or this nervous panicked paranoia would continue. But he couldn’t just do that, could he?

Spying on them would be wrong, wouldn’t it? Of course it would. It would be a further violation of Ichigo’s trust, and almost a sure-fire way to lose confidence in himself, seeing that he didn’t believe that he was good enough to steal Ichigo away from Grimmjow. If he went after them, he’d be admitting to himself that he was desperate for information on anything he could use in his own favor.

Well _fuck_ his dignity and his self-respect, because Ichigo had come home last night looking like he’d been groped in a dark alley by a dirty pervert, and Renji didn’t want a repeat to occur today. He couldn’t stand seeing those hickeys on his neck or the ruffled sex hair or the bulge in Ichigo’s jeans. He didn’t want to think about Ichigo and Grimmjow having sex. That would destroy his already fucked-up heart.

After drinking another glass of water and peeing for a straight two minutes, Renji brushed his hair for a while and then got ready to go.

Screw this, he was gonna’ go fucking spy on them. That way at least if Ichigo tried to say no to Grimmjow, Renji could intervene if Grimmjow got too pushy for Ichigo to handle. Never mind that Renji had hardly been able to bear seeing Grimmjow kiss Ichigo yesterday, and he knew full well that Grimmjow would get handsy today too. He’d have to suffer through it, because he needed to know what was going on.

As hard as it was, he had to do this. He just couldn’t help himself, even though he knew it was kind of pathetic to resort to creepy bush spying.

After a quick phone conversation with his senpai updating him on the situation and being brought up to speed on Madarame’s own progress, Renji got dressed appropriately for the weather and went outside, wearing Ichigo’s scarf, which his roommate had forgotten on the air vent in an attempt to dry it.

It was a bit less than he’d imagined. Grimmjow had been over to their dorm once before, and it hadn’t ended well, as Ichigo and Grimmjow fought like dogs and hardly ever got any work done when they were within a mile of each other. Besides that, Renji had demanded they get their noisy asses out into the hallway so he could sleep without worrying about a textbook cracking him over the head. To see them so docile was rather jarring.

He could see them over in the cafe that he and Ichigo always went to together on the weekend. He kept a reasonable distance so that he wouldn’t be seen, and he occupied his time by picking up pieces of snow and melting them on his gloves with his breath. He felt a little better already just knowing where Ichigo was, and his throat was no longer hurting. He was already starting to feel guilty for watching them, so Renji decided not to _stare_ at them, but only occasionally glance. As the fake hunger kept swirling through his gut, he ate some pieces of snow until his tongue was too cold to melt it any longer.

Their date seemed to be going well, to Renji’s dismay. There wasn’t any fighting, swiping of food, attempted murder with eating utensils, or water dumped over the other’s head. They actually seemed to be getting along well, and Ichigo actually laughed a little at some point, which Renji couldn’t understand. What could Grimmjow possibly be saying to Ichigo to get him to laugh or to behave in a less than hostile manner? Grimmjow _sucked_ at conflict avoidance, especially when it came to Ichigo. He must have the charm turned all the way up or something.

As Renji expected, they left the restaurant after a little while longer, Grimmjow having paid for their food. He wandered behind them at a distance, head ducked down and under a hood so his obvious hair wouldn’t be easily seen. Grimmjow and Ichigo trailed around the campus, walking through the garden again, the garden that was a popular study hangout during the summer. It was so beautiful with ice and snow crystallized over the pine needles and dead rose bushes.

Renji watched them stroll around and talk, and then just before they crossed over the tiny bridge that connected the garden to the park, Grimmjow put his arm around Ichigo’s shoulders, and to Renji’s surprise, Ichigo _let him_. His only reaction was to turn and look at him in confusion, before letting it slide.

Of course, things didn’t stay all innocent and sweet like Renji had secretly hoped to his own detriment, because Grimmjow was steering Ichigo towards that huge willow tree right at the edge of the park where everything melds into woods. They loved that tree: Renji usually liked to study over there and do pushups over his textbook when it was nice out, while Ichigo liked to climb up into it and read there.

Hopefully Grimmjow wasn’t actually going to take him _into_ the woods, because Renji was getting a creepy serial killer vibe, and it was extremely hard to stalk people through forest.

The willow tree’s branches were long, and there had been so much snow lately that it was like a curtain or a white blanket, leaving an obvious circle around the trunk where there was no snow on the ground. It was also relatively covered, so that it was an extremely private spot - the perfect place to make out. Renji knew that Grimmjow was nowhere near beneath cheating to win this little contest they had going. Grimmjow was a territorial idiot.

Renji cringed, already knowing that this was risky given the fact that he’d been leaving footprints along with theirs as he followed them at a safe distance. Eventually he decided to duck into the woods and come up behind the tree so that he could watch from a better spot.

When he finally made it over there, he immediately cringed away, stomach curling in hurt as he saw what they were doing. Grimmjow was sitting on the ground with Ichigo held in his arms in front of him. Ichigo was half-sitting on one of Grimmjow’s legs, arms around Grimmjow’s shoulders as Grimmjow kissed him. Ichigo didn’t seem to be kissing back much, mouth twitching awkwardly as if it didn’t know how to respond to such invasive advances.

Renji could see Ichigo’s nervous habit of fidgeting when he was upset appearing in a rather warped way, as Ichigo’s fingers kept twitching and curling around pieces of Grimmjow’s hair and playing with them as he let Grimmjow hold him so tightly against his body.

Eventually Grimmjow broke away, kissing down the side of Ichigo’s face as he moved to his neck, at which point Ichigo tilted his head up. Renji put a hand over his mouth, hardly able to watch as Grimmjow sucked on the side of Ichigo’s neck, working his way down closer to his shoulder and then his collarbone. The sounds Ichigo was making were still rather hesitant and guilty, but Ichigo definitely was much more receptive than he’d been yesterday when Grimmjow had pinned him against the wall of the public bathroom.

He could see Grimmjow’s strong hands fist in Ichigo’s hair, moving back up to Ichigo’s face, mouth so close but not touching. Ichigo grit his teeth in pain, but gave a breathless moan, shuddering at the tingles the hair pulling was giving him.

“Sh, sh, sh, sh,” Grimmjow nearly kissed him, letting the distance linger for a moment, fog building up between them, before he crushed his face back onto Ichigo’s, biting his lower lip hard. Ichigo jerked and slapped his face.

“Ouch, that _hurt!_ ” Ichigo shouted, hitting Grimmjow around the face like a little kid trying to slap-fight with someone who stole their crayons or their dump truck toy. Grimmjow just grinned, still clinging to him as he licked the blood off of his lips hungrily. Ichigo lifted his hand to his mouth, taking off his glove, feeling the blood, “You twisted pervert, you fucking _bit_ me, why are you so-”

Grimmjow was back to sucking on his neck, working up to his ear as he lay Ichigo down in the dead grass, hovering over him in a half-straddling position. Renji was trying so hard not to bust in there and set fire to Grimmjow’s hair with his own cigarette lighter. Now he’d have to look at the fucking _cut_ on Ichigo’s lip and more of those _hickeys_ , and besides that, Grimmjow was purposefully hurting Ichigo for fun. _For fun. FOR FUCKING FUN!_

‘ _Once I find a way to get away with murder, I’m gonna’ throw him in a dumpster so fucking fast. Nobody will miss that creep, ooh, Ichigo had better knock his teeth out if he tries that again.’_

Ichigo was glaring with his eyes closed, eyebrows all scrunched up, pulling violently on Grimmjow’s hair to try to pull the leech off his neck, but eventually his grip broke. Ichigo finally made a breathy little noise, arms curling further around Grimmjow’s neck letting Grimmjow hulk over him, grinding his hips down onto his. At that point, Renji didn’t have a clear view at exactly what Grimmjow was doing anymore, but perhaps that was a blessing. The blue-haired thief laughed lowly in that baritone that Ichigo seemed to like, taunting his lab partner a little. “Mmmm… Ya’ like that, don’tcha’.”

“No,” Ichigo immediately said breathlessly, making another little sound when Grimmjow moved back in to bite at his ear, and Renji could’ve sworn that he sounded just like a hentai character. Oh fuck, this wasn’t fair! This was _cheating_. He couldn’t just do things that Ichigo’s body would obviously like, just to lure him away so he could sleep with him and dump him. It wasn’t _fair_ , this wasn’t part of the deal! Grimmjow couldn’t just _do_ stuff like this. Renji would kick his ass, the cheater!

Grimmjow kept feeling him up, eventually slipping his hands up Ichigo’s shirt, under his coat. At that point, Ichigo pushed his face back, saying that he didn’t like it again louder. “ _Stop_ ,” Ichigo said clearly.

And to Renji’s surprise, Grimmjow did.

Ah, no matter. He was still going to beat the shit out of him later. He didn’t even care if he got his own ass kicked, as long as he could punch that smug grin off of that bastard’s face.

* * *

 

 _Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone._  


	7. Elegant

_Beauty is but a lease from nature_

* * *

 

Later when it was lunchtime, Ikkaku sought Yumichika out and sat across from him at the empty lunch table, not too close and not too far away. Yumichika looked up at him warily, appearing uncomfortable, perhaps concerned about them being seen sitting near each other in the public cafeteria, even though they were far enough apart that it could be seen as a coincidence.

Yumichika tried to pretend like he hadn’t been phased by Ikkaku’s appearance, perhaps trying to fool Ikkaku into thinking that he hadn’t even noticed him, but Ikkaku ignored him back as well, just as flawless in his ‘this-is-a-complete-coincidence’ act. Ikkaku made no move to talk to him as he ate his sub, so Yumichika sighed a little after a few minutes, softly wondering aloud why Ikkaku wouldn’t just give up and leave him be.

“Because you’re special,” Ikkaku said with food in his mouth as if it were an obvious everyday fact like announcing that he’d had to shovel snow that morning. Yumichika looked up at him warily, mouth open. Ikkaku could feel Yumichika’s gaze on him, but he did not look up, liking the feeling of the eyes finally _looking_ at him. God, it felt like an ice cube slipping down the back of his shirt to know that for once, Yumichika Ayasegawa and his gorgeous violet eyes were finally brave enough to look straight at him as if he were something beautiful and amazing.

He let the stare linger on him for a full minute before he finally looked up to try to catch the gaze. Of course, the eyes subconsciously darted away as they always did. He was still so shy of him. Part of it made Ikkaku feel warm, because he knew that Yumichika still liked him from all those years ago, but he wished Yumichika wasn’t so hesitant to even _speak_ to him. It made him feel bad, like he was some bully picking on him and scaring him on purpose.

“So, ya’ gonna’ let me take you out?” Ikkaku asked, finally forcing Yumichika to give a reaction and show emotion towards him, even if it was negative. Yumichika jolted, almost knocking over his drink and flinging his salad over the table to the floor. Ikkaku’s eyes widened at the violent reaction when Yumichika half-stood up, shushing him frantically.

“Would you _lower your voice?_ ” he whisper-shrieked in exasperation as Ikkaku heckled him for his phone number. “My phone is broken, it only takes emergency calls.” Ikkaku could tell that wasn’t completely truth or completely a lie, so he kept bothering him for it.

“Well… alright, but… Don’t call me on it, only let me call you,” Yumichika said hesitantly, taking the old trac-fone out – the kind with minutes and one key pad that only had number buttons. Yumichika explained that his minutes were extremely limited, and he made it clear that this was because money was tight at the moment, but the way he explained it made it sound like his boyfriend gave him some sort of allowance like a little kid.

Ikkaku didn’t ask, knowing that the other man Yumichika was seeing wasn’t any of his business. He was just glad that he was getting a chance from the most beautiful person alive. _God_ , he’d missed just being around Yumichika and talking to him and _looking_ at him. Ikkaku handed him his own phone so he could put the number in, but Yumichika couldn’t figure out how to work it. It was kind of cute to see him stabbing much too hard at the touch screen, as if he didn’t know that he didn’t have to press it hard like on his old phone with the sticky buttons.

“Uh oh,” Yumichika said woefully, lip sticking out as he showed Ikkaku that he had somehow gotten to the camera. Ikkaku figured that he’d been trying to put the number in and somehow accidentally gotten to the feature where you could put a picture along with the caller-id.

Ikkaku gently took it back from his hand, appreciating the smooth cool fingers, knowing that those beautiful hands were almost always hidden by pockets or over-long sleeves. Yumichika didn’t dress like he did when he was young and fully aware of his prettiness. Yumichika dressed like he was trying to show as little skin as possible, like he was trying to look smaller and less noticeable.

“Okay, okay, I won’t embarrass ya’, I can see that you don’t know how.” Yumichika nodded a little bashfully, smiling just a tiny bit. Ikkaku grinned in victory; as hesitant as Yumichika was to open up to him, that had been a genuine smile. “Why do ya’ have something this ancient anyway? I mean… I did like having a flip phone when I was younger; I still think they’re cool, but… Renji said that you’d been on your way in an acting career and that you were raking in the cash, why haven’t you upgraded like everyone else?”

“Because,” Yumichika said defensively as he wrote the number down and gave it to Ikkaku so he could put both the numbers in. “I happen to like this phone. Besides, my boyfriend gave it to me.”

“Ah, I see. No need to get angry. I think it’s cute,” Ikkaku amended to appease Yumichika, and he was being honest. _Everything_ about Yumichika was cute, even that ugly black eye. He wondered where it had come from; it had been there yesterday too, but it seemed to have swelled up more, going further over his face, concealer unable to completely hide it. Now that he was looking, Yumichika’s lip was a little red in the corner, just a little bit puffy, and his nose seemed bent. Maybe he _had_ slipped on the ice yesterday.

Poor, beautiful, prissy, vain-ass angel. Ikkaku got a sudden urge to kiss Yumichika’s face to heal his ‘owie’ like some little kid, wanting to give him a bandaid or an ice cube for his poor eye. He’d never felt like this for anyone, but for Yumichika, he wanted to be soft and caring and protective. He wanted to keep him safe. He wanted to love him, he was _so_ ready to love him.

“So, where do ya’ wanna’ go?” Ikkaku asked eagerly.

Yumichika’s demeanor then changed, having been reminded of his boyfriend and that this arrangement was betraying him. He picked at the front of his shirt, becoming hesitant and reluctant towards Ikkaku’s advances once again, despite the fact that he’d expressed a desire to let Ikkaku date him not a moment ago.

“We’re _not_ going anywhere,” Yumichika insisted, stubbornly continuing in saying that he hadn’t agreed to any sort of date.

“Then what the hell was yesterday all about?”

“Would you _leave me alone?”_ Yumichika said in the loudest tone Ikkaku had heard him use in a year, still a moderately inside-voice. “Why are you so _noisy_ all the time, _keep your voice down.”_

“No,” Ikkaku said plainly, and Yumichika then seemed to lose confidence, looking helpless as if he couldn’t understand how Ikkaku could just _say_ that. If he didn’t want to date him then Ikkaku had to stop, didn’t he? Right?

“Quit trying to chase me away,” Ikkaku said lowly, not being scary or mean, just sincere. “I said that you’re special, and you’re not gonna’ go out of my life again. I’ll prove that I can wait.”

Yumichika put his head on the table, wrapping his arms around himself, looking completely pitiful and miserable.

Ikkaku poked him a few times with a grumble, conceding to change the terms of their agreement again, if only to keep Yumichika from looking so defeated and sad. “Fine, we don’t have ta’ go on a date, just at least do the project with me. All I want is ta’ spend a little time with ya’, _geez_...”

Yumichika was still for a while before he peeked up from over his arm, eyes shy and guarded. “… Alright,” Yumichika said extremely hesitantly, lifting his head up.

“Okay, so where do you wanna’ work?” Ikkaku asked, happy that he’d finally gotten _something._ Of course he knew that Yumichika would probably try to back out of it again, but that was a problem for a different day. One day, Yumichika wouldn’t be able to deny this any longer. Until then, Ikkaku would spoil him rotten.

“Um… I…” Yumichika didn’t seem to want to invite him over to his house, but said that he was free that weekend. “My boyfriend will be out of town… Don’t misunderstand,” he said then, hasty to revise what he’d said, “I’m not inviting you, I just… I’ll think about… I’ll think about it,” he finished.

“Sweet, thanks so much, you won’t regret this.”

“I have a feeling I will,” Yumichika mumbled, but smiled a little at the excited dork that was following him to the library like Mary’s lamb. He picked at the front of the shirt.

It just couldn’t end well.

But he found that he didn’t care.

* * *

 

_Beauty is bought quite simply: by the judgement of the eye._   
_He knows he’s walking to his doom, but he’ll never say goodbye._

 


	8. Triplicate

_He can’t talk to you that way  
_ _That is the last word to you he’ll say._

 _Blood and blows, and hell above,  
_ _this is our only kind of love._

 _Baby, let me defend your honor,  
_ _let me love you, cause’ I’m a goner._

* * *

 

“Don’t _touch_ him like that!” Renji shouted, a little upset at how hard it was to fight in the fucking wintertime, because of the heavy clothing and the slippery ground and the stiffness in his knuckles that the cold brought. But that wouldn’t keep him from trying to beat Grimmjow into unconsciousness.

Grimmjow was good at fighting, Renji had to admit, and he was actually a little worried that he wouldn’t be able to handle this by himself. Usually he was with Ichigo at his back, always ready to help out just as he was for him, but this time, it was Ichigo that he was fighting for. Ichigo’s _honor_ or something stupid like that.

It wasn’t as if Ichigo couldn’t protect his own damn honor, but Renji wanted to, he _had_ to, or this sick feeling would swallow him whole.

He ducked another quick punch, sliding out of range. Grimmjow was fast, and he didn’t seem phased by any sort of injuries thus far, which was a little discouraging when all you want to do is hurt someone and make them scream.

Besides that, he was _smiling._ Smug, cocky, arrogant bastard. He was more narcissistic than Yumichika had ever been, and it was absolutely infuriating.

“Che’, don’t mess with my prey, firecrotch!” At least no one was around to see them scuffling. He didn’t need any stupid classmates yelling ‘fight’ like fucking high-schoolers, and he didn’t need anyone’s camera-phones on them, and he _definitely_ didn’t need Ichigo to see this. Hopefully Red Riding Hood could kick the Big Bad Wolf’s ass by himself. Did that make Ichigo the lumberjack? He’d pay to see Ichigo chop open Grimmjow’s stomach with an axe.

Renji grabbed him by the stupid pockets on the front of his leather jacket and shoved him really hard, bashing his back into the trunk of a pine tree, knocking tons of snow off of the branches and down onto them. “Don’t talk about him like he’s your kill, you fucking dog! You don’t own him!”

Grimmjow visibly bristled, snow in his hair, and it gave Renji sick pleasure to know that he’d finally gotten under the guy’s skin. Him and his stupid cat fetish could go die. He dragged Grimmjow forward and slammed him back against the tree trunk again, and he was pleased when Grimmjow actually shouted in pain that time. He wasn’t so thrilled when Grimmjow reared up and threw his weight into his legs, hitting him inthe gut and sending him sprawling backwards onto the icy ground.

By that point Grimmjow was stomping all over him anywhere he could reach, and Renji was crawling around like an idiot, tripping both of them down into the snow. After a few minutes of wrestling, they drew back, sitting on their asses as they glared at each other, recovering a little before they went back to beating the crap out of each other. Oh, how long Renji had waited for this moment. He didn’t even care about all the pain that was already racking through him he just wanted to hit Grimmjow until he was bloody and bruised.

“I told you don’t _touch_ him like that, it’s cheating. It’s not fair!” Renji shouted, getting up unsteadily as Grimmjow staggered to his feet. The other man grinned, wiping his nose as he lowered down a little, arms out and ready to get Renji if he came any closer. “You’re fucking cheating and you’d better stop!”

“Huh?” Grimmjow started laughing, straightening up, too cocky to block Renji a moment later after he got out his sarcastic remark. “Just cause you’re too much of a pussy ta’ grab his ass doesn’t mean I am too.” And then came Renji’s fist right onto his filthy mouth and that hateful, disgusting, misogynistic word.

“I’m gonna’ wash your mouth out!” Renji shouted, hitting him again. “You _shut up!”_

Grimmjow by then was flexing his jaw in pain, but was smiling with bloody teeth. “You don’t get it, do ya’. He’s fair game,” Grimmjow said with wide eager eyes, getting some sort of crooked enjoyment out of fighting like this. “He’s _my_ game. You’ve lost,” Grimmjow started laughing. “You’ve already lost!”

Renji didn’t dare cross his arms or back away; he kept advancing on the guy, taking an opportunity to kick him in the stomach and knock the wind out of him. “What are you afraid of, huh? If you’re so great? You’re afraid that he’ll want _me?_ Somebody who isn’t some psychopath who’ll give him five different strains of herpes?” Grimmjow had the dignity to look offended at that point as they fought.

“I might be street trash, but I’m more than that now,” Renji said, nose dripping blood as he wiped it, streaking it across his face as Grimmjow kept hitting him to shut him up. “I’m more than that now, because of him. You? You’re just filthy. You’re _mean_ , and Ichigo doesn’t like you.” Somehow those simple insults seemed to bother Grimmjow much more than those curse-laden ones from before. Maybe they held a grain of truth, and the truth hurts more than anything.

Grimmjow kicked him in the chest so hard that Renji was sure that one of his ribs had almost cracked. He hit the ground hard again, and he scrambled back despite his aching tailbone, not wanting to give Grimmjow the opportunity to get on top of him and just hammer away at his face. The snow around their battleground was growing red, and it reminded Renji of the ending scene of ‘House of Flying Daggers’. The only difference was that Ichigo’s dead body wasn’t laying somewhere around here.

“Oh, give it up and go to the strip club,” Grimmjow half-whined, sounding less than angry again, as if this were a normal conversation between friends. He was fucking _smirking_ again too, and it pissed Renji off so bad as he tried to get up, still not ready to give up despite how much getting slammed into the ground like that had hurt.

“Get that pole out of your ass and watch some babes dance around on it at the club, you tightwad. Ichigo’s _mine_ ,” he said confidently, grinning wider, teeth and lips red with blood. He looked like a monster, some wife beater or a drug addict, like all of those people who would come around the orphanage Renji had lived in. “He’s always been mine.”

He was actually a little scary, but Renji wasn’t going to give up. He was stronger than that now. He had Ichigo, and that made up for all the nightmares in the world, all the nightmares of being hit by drunken caretakers or molested and raped by the sickos, all of the times they’d punished him by pouring teaspoons of tabasco or pepper seeds down his throat to get him to behave. The burning feeling was starting to rise through him, and he had to do something to let it out.

Renji yelled at the top of his lungs, linking his fists together and slamming them into the side of Grimmjow’s head. He could hear the man’s neck crack, and he thought that he might have knocked a tooth loose. Grimmjow rolled his shoulders quickly, wincing in pain before he grabbed Renji by the collar of the shirt, hitting him in the face over and over, bloodying his eye, not phased by the hands trying to push his face back.

They started shoving each other, fists locked together as they pressed forward, feet digging into the snow as they tried to knock each other over. “Why do you care…” Grimmjow panted through gritted teeth, “if I’m going to use him, anyway? I don’t care when my friends get laid and left, it’s good for building character.” Renji scowled, letting the blood run down his face, strands of loose hair sticking to the wet areas on his cheeks and chin.

“He’s too good for a bastard like you,” Renji choked out as he struggled to match Grimmjow’s strength. Damn, was he strong. Maybe he was out of shape. He hadn’t been going to the gym lately, and he seldom did any exercise during the winter. Maybe he was falling off and now he was paying for it by getting his ass handed to him. No, not just yet. He wouldn’t give up yet. All the pain was worth it to beat this guy up. “I won’t let you touch him,” he growled, muscles straining against Grimmjow’s arms.

Suddenly, Grimmjow’s face went blank, and Renji gained a few inches, pushing him back. Then a horrifyingly evil grinch-smile spread over Grimmjow’s face, baring all of his bloody teeth for Renji to see. “Oh… I get it now… You’re sweet on him, aren’t you?” Renji looked at him in horror. “Yeah, you’re really sweet on ‘im! Oh _snap!_ ” Grimmjow started laughing, backing off, letting Renji overstep and nearly fall.

He was laughing hysterically now, bending over, holding his stomach, letting blood drip from his mouth onto the snowy ground. Renji just watched, disturbed and upset that Grimmjow thought that he had some sort of dirt on him now. Ichigo already knew how he felt, didn’t he? It wasn’t as if Grimmjow had found out some secret or something.

“And here I thought…” Grimmjow started to pull himself together, still giggling, “Here I thought that you were just trying ta’ break a piece offa’ his ass, like me. Oh _man_ , I mean sure I like Ichigo, but the way he-” Renji started shouting at the top of his lungs to cut off whatever he was about to say. He didn’t want to hear any shit about Grimmjow thinking that Ichigo was stupid for thinking that he could match up to him. If Grimmjow didn’t appreciate Ichigo’s fiery passion or his loyalty or his stubbornness, then he should move the fuck along.

“Shut your mouth, Don’t you talk about him-”

“I fuck sluts all the time, but Ichigo’s just beggin’ for it so bad. You shoulda’ seen the way he was letting me grab him earlier.” Grimmjow smirked. Renji hit him in the face again.

“I saw enough, now _shut your fucking mouth!”_ Blood was everywhere, all over the snow, the ground, their faces and fists. Renji peeled off his gloves just in time to get Grimmjow’s knee slammed into his gut, nearly making him throw up.

Renji was on his knees then, blood coming from his mouth where he’d bitten his tongue. He was panting, pain overtaking him as Grimmjow kept kicking him, aiming for his head. He wrapped his arms around his face and head, rolling with the blows, trying to block out Grimmjow’s words.

“Tch’, he’s gonna’ fall for me, and then maybe he’ll get this,” Grimmjow thumbed his chest, “Che’.” Renji was going limp, panting, blood running down his chin as Grimmjow knelt down in front of him, pulling his head back by the hair. “You’re too soft,” Grimmjow said quietly, sounding extremely deadly and dangerous. Renji didn’t respond, blinking tiredly, face swelling up and bruised all over.

He pitied Grimmjow, really he did. He pitied anyone who had that machismo attitude thinking that love was some sort of weakness. Letting down your walls wasn’t a weakness, trusting wasn’t weakness, _loving_ wasn’t weakness. Loving was the greatest asset and strength that anyone could have, it was the greatest goal, reward, feeling, it was _everything_ , and Renji really felt bad for Grimmjow if he couldn’t see that, because if he was just trying to lay Ichigo, he was missing out. There was so much more to Ichigo than that; the best part of him wasn’t his ass. He was missing out on the best part of that wonderful man, and he really felt bad for the idiot.

“You’re _soft!_ That’s why Ichigo’ll never pick you!” Grimmjow shouted in his face. “Ichigo’s tough, an’ he needs someone who could haul off and punch the hell out of him if they wanted.” Grimmjow stood up, flopping Renji over and placing his boot on the side of his head, forcing him down like some miserable slave. Renji breathed raggedly, trying to conserve the rest of his strength. “Ichigo wants a challenge, he doesn’t want trash like you.” Renji winced as Grimmjow spat on him.

He looked up at Grimmjow, nearly retching when he realized how familiar this position was. Here he was, the poor little orphan boy at a home for abandoned children, being beaten senseless by his caretaker and being called worthless, useless, a slimy little rat who would never amount to anything and who would never be loved. He was a loser, a crybaby, a bedwetter, a weakling, never good enough, never important, and here was Grimmjow with that foot on his head, forcing him to become one with the dirt again.

“You bastard child, you poor, miserable, hopeless-” Renji’s voice cut him off, nearly a whisper. Even if he really was that helpless little boy again, he was strong. Renji was strong and brave, and he would never let his heart or his spirit be taken away. No matter what they did to him, they couldn’t take his heart.

“You… you will always be _nothing,”_ he said quietly. Grimmjow was so shocked that he stepped back, staring at him. He had probably been one of those children who had never been told no, who had never been deprived of anything he’d wanted, and who had always been praised and showered with affection. He’d never heard something so plainly stated like that. He’d called Grimmjow worthless, out of existence, unimportant, and non-living, as if he might as well not be there.

“You just don’t get it,” Renji said, gritting his teeth as he lay there, pushing against the ground with his arm to pry himself off of the melting bloody snow. “I’ve been here long before you, and I’ll be here long after you’ve gone, just like the fucking roach you think I am. Don’t you see… that you have… you have nothing,” he said plainly.

Grimmjow’s expression was blank and shocked, but began to grow pissed as he let Renji talk.

“You think you know Ichigo?… Ichigo doesn’t want someone who’s strong enough to fight him, you idiot. He wants someone who’s strong enough to fight _with_ him. He wants someone trustworthy.” Renji coughed, blood coming from his mouth again as his voice rasped on. “And he can at least throw me farther than he can trust _you.”_

Grimmjow approached him again, as if wanting to kick him in the teeth, but something halted him.

“Sure you might get him.” Renji looked up at him through his tangled matted hair, through two black eyes, and through a blinding pain. “But I have a heart, and you don’t… I have _his_ heart… He’s my friend, he’s my _partner_ , and you could never come between us,” he rasped in a whisper. “Even if he’ll never want me like I want him… I have his trust, and his memories, and his friendship… You have nothing. Nothing you could do with all your strength could take that... You can never take that from me… You have _nothing._ ”

The words Renji said rang with truth, and suddenly, he wasn’t so terrified of Grimmjow getting Ichigo, because even if that happened, he wouldn’t lose Ichigo or anything. Really, Grimmjow had already lost.

For a moment Grimmjow looked upset and genuinely hurt over what he’d said, as if he believed it, but then it turned to blinding rage and then he really started beating the absolute hell out of Renji, fully intent on killing him and leaving him to be buried in the freshly fallen snow.

“Your eyes…” Grimmjow growled, pausing in hitting Renji in the face so many times that his own knuckles were bleeding. “Your fucking eyes, I’m gonna’ kill you.” Renji blocked his face, punching back a few times in defense, regaining some strength. “Huh? You wanna fuck him? Huh _, You wanna fuck him?!_ Back off! He’s mine!” Grimmjow shouted in fury, really losing control of himself in his stupid, territorial, alpha-male rant. “You think you could give it to him better than I could?”

“Yeah!” Renji shouted back, hitting Grimmjow so hard that he sat down in the snow, hissing in pain as the red-head stood over him. “At least I wouldn’t take advantage of him.” As Grimmjow got up again, Renji said something incredibly stupid, even knowing that there was no way he could win this. This man was truly a psychotic sadist who could take pain, and Renji _didn’t like pain_. “Your ego’s way bigger than your dick’ll ever be, you slimeball.”

Grimmjow stared at him in silent shock for a full three seconds before saying something matter-of-factly, reaching for his pocket, “I’m gonna’ cut out your motherfucking tongue.” Grimmjow got out a switchblade, and immediately Renji backed off, scrambling away.

Just as Grimmjow got to him, fully intent on doing just what he said he would, the knife was yanked out of his hand, and Ichigo punched him in the face so hard that Renji was sure he’d heard Grimmjow’s nose break.

Renji slid down the trunk of the tree he’d been cornered against, moaning in pain and relief that he was no longer being beaten to a pulp.

“What the hell are you _doing?!”_ Ichigo screeched at the top of his lungs, kicking Grimmjow in the head, extremely upset about the states they were both in, bleeding all over the place.

“Huh?” Ichigo turned on Renji then, kicking him in the shoulder. The knife went flying off into the snow, never to be seen again, or until summer, he supposed.

“He’s cheating!” Renji exclaimed defensively. Now, he and Ichigo were very comfortable with each other- or well they _were -_ so it wasn’t uncommon for them to hit each other or give noogies or pinches or slaps, but they were never intended to hurt or to cause real pain, so to have Ichigo kick him like that was really a stomp onto his heart. They didn’t have serious fights or arguments often, so Renji was actually really guilty that he’d angered Ichigo this much. He should’ve known that Ichigo would have found out about this some way. I mean, how was he going to explain their injuries? A mugging? A bus crash?

“He can’t just grope you like that, that’s not fair!” Renji shouted, “You can hardly stand to sleep in the same room with me anymore, but you let him do that? _Why?!”_

Ichigo went red in the face, steam nearly coming out of his ears, as if Renji had turned his anger dial all the way up to ten. He grabbed Renji by the hair, really close to the scalp and shook him. “You fucking idiot, _that’s_ what this is about? Don’t get yourself hurt like this, or I’ll kick your ass, you punk!” he shouted, and Renji could clearly hear the concern in his voice, and his worry that Ichigo was actually upset with him melted away. Ichigo was just guilty and fussing over him in his own way. He probably looked a mess.

“And _you!”_ Ichigo whipped around on Grimmjow again. “I’m gonna’ skin you one of these days, you fucking alpha male. You either play fair or play somewhere fucking else. I don’t care if you think Renji shouldn’t get a chance. I’m pissed at both of you, but that doesn’t mean he’s not my best friend, so you’d better _keep your hands to yourself!”_ Grimmjow sniffled through his bloody nose, getting up and wiping his face with a scowl.

“And you _again!”_ Ichigo shouted in Renji’s face once more, “I can’t believe you freaking stalked us all day. Yeah, I heard that part, you creepy- UGH!” Ichigo screamed, really angry, scaring away some birds that were somehow still there through their fight.

“But I-” Grimmjow tried to interject.

“But he was sayi-” Renji tried to explain.

“Shut your mouth,” Ichigo growled, dragging Renji off, berating him for his perverted voyeur-ish ways and how he’d lied his ass off last night about not being a creep. Renji decided that he needed to really divulge exactly what he felt, hoping that Ichigo would be gentle when he bandaged him up.

Even with a bloody nose, aching teeth, busted up cheeks, two black eyes, bloody knuckles, possibly broken tailbone and ribs, and bruises all over his body, Renji still thought that getting to beat Grimmjow up a little was completely worth it.

That little bit Grimmjow had admitted he felt had freaked Renji out, because Grimmjow was only supposed to have _one_ ace up his sleeve, which was his magical power to get Ichigo to let him grope him. If Grimmjow admitted any sort of feelings to Ichigo, Renji really might lose to him.

The asshole.

* * *

 

_There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice._

 


	9. Graceful

_A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely._

* * *

"Ugh!  _Stop!_ Just stop! Stop following me! Don't you get it?! I don't like you!" Yumichika shouted. "I'm not going to date you, so stop pestering me! I don't  _like_  you, okay? I said ' _no',_ so leave me alone!"

"But you promised!" Ikkaku shouted back in exasperation, cornering Yumichika against an icy chain-link fence, "You promised to give me a chance!"

"I did no such thing. I never make promises when I'm happy," Yumichika said morbidly, trying to push past him. "You don't know what you're getting into."

Their breath was fogging up in the air in front of them, and Ikkaku suddenly loved the winter here with Yumichika looking so icy, so crystalline, so cold and beautiful. He no longer wished for that lovely spring or summer time where Yumichika was full of life and color. He wanted  _this_  Yumichika now, even if the sun would never shine again. He could suffer through the snowstorms and the cold wind, just as long as he had his ice prince in his arms. He didn't care if he froze to death or got hurt like Yumichika seemed to think he would. He didn't  _care._

"What if I  _want_  to get into it?" Ikkaku countered, grabbing him. Yumichika stiffened up, looking alarmed and almost frightened. Ikkaku immediately realized that raising his voice was making Yumichika feel extremely threatened, but Ikkaku was so frustrated that he didn't care. If this was the only way to get Yumichika to listen to him, then so be it.

"I'm not going to let you," Yumichika said quietly, shoulders tight and higher than normal. He seemed on the verge of cowering beneath Ikkaku's fierce gaze, but still, Ikkaku tried to remember that phrase about wild animals being twice as dangerous when wounded or cornered. "I will not allow you to make this mistake. I'm doing this to protect both of us, okay?"

"You don't get to decide that for me! Who am I, Mary-Jane Watson?  _I_ decide, and I  _want_  to get into it, you fucking idiot!"

Yumichika somehow seemed to appreciate his brutal honesty, his shouting and cursing, because the insults bounced right off of him. Ikkaku didn't understand why this would be, because Kaa was always gentle and polite, treating him like a princess, holding open doors and calling him sweet nicknames, kissing his knuckles like this was some fairytale. Why would Yumichika like him to be so rude and loud?

But somehow, Ikkaku knew that Yumichika cared for him still. Ikkaku was real,genuine, and always honest, one hundred percent, and maybe Yumichika could feel that despite the insults and the rough hands holding him to the chain link fence.

"I'm not worth this. You need to stop following me," Yumichika insisted, tight all over, head down, shoulders up around his ears as if he was expecting a punch. He had one hand cupped protectively over his heart, holding his books like a shield in the other arm.

As much as Ikkaku knew Yumichika wanted to be with him, he kept changing his mind over and over, and Ikkaku could feel deep down that he was frightening Yumichika. He didn't care about that though, not if he could get through to Yumichika; it was okay to scare him just a little if Yumichika would just listen to him, even if it made him feel guilty. It's not like he would ever hurt him or something. He just wanted a chance.

"Let go of me," Yumichika said, voice going icy cold, eyes hard and unforgiving. "Let go  _right now_ ," he said forcefully, sounding more sure of himself than Ikkaku had heard him be in a long time. He sounded so much like his old self that Ikkaku obeyed for the moment, hands going to the cold metal links on either side of Yumichika's face.

"I just want a date,  _please!"_  Ikkaku said desperately, not sounding angry anymore. "I  _like_  you!" He broke down, furious façade fading away, walls melting to offer Yumichika his admittedly soft heart. "You're… Look, I've liked you for so long. I just want a date-"

Yumichika seemed to break then too, hand slipping from where he was clutching the front of his turtleneck. He looked up at him again in disbelief and regret, as if he were happy that Ikkaku thought he was worth it, but sad because he knew that he couldn't give in to him. "It's not that simple. I can't be with you."

"Why not?" Ikkaku asked plainly, trying to calm down.

"It'll end badly, that's why." So much for that.

It wasn't so much the answer itself that pissed Ikkaku off, it was the fact that Yumichika hadn't even used his relationship with Kaa as an excuse. That told him that Yumichika  _did_  like him and that he  _did_  have a chance to get Yumichika to go behind Kaa's back, but if that were so, then what was it that was holding him back?

"It'll end badly," Yumichika repeated, voice betraying how scared he was becoming, telling Ikkaku that Yumichika didn't feel as brave as he was acting.

"You don't know that, you  _can't know that!"_  Ikkaku shouted in frustration, not letting Yumichika slip away this time. "Quit avoiding me and just tell me what the problem is. There's no way you can know whether it will end badly. You're not a fucking psychic."

"I don't need to be psychic to know that the world will still be spinning tomorrow. I just know, Ikkaku. Trust my judgement… Please… Isn't that enough?" Ikkaku stopped talking for a moment, staring at him suspiciously. Yumichika noticeably paled, as if he'd given something away.

"… What are you hiding?" Ikkaku asked flatly, narrowing his eyes. He was quiet for a moment, coming closer to Yumichika, whose eyes were going wider and wider as he approached. "Renji said… that he doesn't even bother inviting you anywhere anymore because you always say 'no'… He misses you…  _All_ of us miss you… What are you hiding?" Ikkaku asked again.

"What's so wrong with you now that you don't smile anymore or call stuff ugly? Huh?  _What's so wrong with you?_ " he said louder, getting pushy, putting Yumichika on the defense again, intimidating him with his larger size.

"Hah! Wrong with me," Yumichika gave a false laugh. "Pick something. There's a thousand reasons why we can't date."

"So  _give_ me one then.  _One!"_ he shouted, voice blending right in with the icy wind. It was starting to snow hard, turning their surroundings nearly invisible in a flurry of white and grey that was even thicker than fog. The only thing keeping it from turning into a storm was that the wind was only occasional, and the sun was still shining through the clouds, setting Yumichika's hair aglow. "You keep talking me in circles and you haven't said a thing yet!  _Tell me why!"_

"You're not me, you don't know what I have to go through! You don't understand!" Yumichika finally broke down and shouted back at him, ice in his voice, fire in his eyes, words cutting like knives. Ikkaku suddenly felt extremely guilty that he had forced Yumichika down to his level, that he had made him break his peaceful veneer.

Yumichika sounded desperate and almost tearful, begging Ikkaku to listen to him, and this time he did, even though he didn't want to hear it. The guilt was starting to really get to him. "Please, I can't keep doing this with you. I can't keep telling you to leave me alone! What if I just don't like you? Take no for an answer, damnit!"

Ikkaku grabbed his shoulders and slammed him up against the wire fence, having no heed for Yumichika's personal space. He dug his fingers into Yumichika's shoulders, surprised at how baggy all those layers of clothes were. Yumichika was wasting away under there, bony and weak, so skinny and soft compared to him. As he squeezed Yumichika's upper arms, Ikkaku was overcome with an urge to hug him, even though he was enraged. Yumichika whimpered, hissing when Ikkaku squeezed what seemed to be a tender spot on his arm, but Ikkaku didn't pay attention, the rattling of the fence filling his ears and drowning out the soft sound.

"So fucking  _what_  if I'm not you?! Are you listening to me at all? Can you not hear me saying that whatever problem there is, I'll deal with it for you? You're  _special_ , I said. I don't care what the risk is. Quit acting like Spider-man, you idiot. I  _want_  you. I've never wanted anyone so badly…" He stopped shouting, voice trailing off as he made a split second decision.

His grip loosened a little, becoming more tender as he leaned in and pressed his lips onto Yumichika's cold shaking ones, kissing him with all the passion and fire that he could, trying to make Yumichika see that he really did love him, that he was doing this because he didn't want to lose him. Yumichika was so soft, trembling there against his comparably stronger body. It felt so good to hold him that Ikkaku just couldn't help himself.

He held him tight, trying to warm his shaking body, making him kiss him even though Yumichika was trying to get him to stop. He pressed him against the frozen fence, taking his mouth hostage, arms wrapped around his struggling frame. Ikkaku knew how to kiss as well as he knew how to skydive: He'd never been skydiving.

This feeling was just overwhelming, and he didn't seem to remember that he'd never felt like kissing or dating someone; he'd never  _wanted_  someone like this. He'd never wanted someone's heart before, and never so intensely. He'd never imagined that loving someone could feel like this, that it could  _hurt_  so much. He just couldn't help himself but want to show Yumichika that what he felt was real. Yumichika just  _had_  to accept his feelings. He couldn't let this go.

He knew he was probably terribly clumsy and too forceful, but he heard that little surprised noise that sounded during the singular moment that Yumichika let him do this. Yumichika was just scared, just alone and lost and  _concerned_  for some insane reason, and Ikkaku could show him that he could keep him safe, that he could protect him and love him like he'd never been loved before. He just couldn't hold himself back; he just wanted all of this precious beautiful person that he'd held in his heart for nearly eight years.

Yumichika then fought against him,  _really fought,_ struggling violently enough that Ikkaku became fully aware that he was forcing him to do this. Yumichika wasn't shivering from the cold; no, he was shaking out of  _fear._

Ikkaku faltered a little, pulling back an inch as Yumichika began making panicked frantic noises, trying to get away from his demanding mouth. Yumichika was gasping for breath now, looking at him in terror, and Ikkaku froze up in shock, realizing just how much he was scaring the poor thing. Yumichika pushed against his chest, but Ikkaku just stood there staring at him, still stuck in absolute horror that he could've done something like that.

He'd… Oh god, he'd…

Finally, Yumichika became desperate enough for release that he kneed Ikkaku in the groin  _hard_  and pushed him backwards, knocking Ikkaku onto his ass. Yumichika stumbled back against the wire fence, clinging to it as he panted, staring back at his attacker. His lips were red and wet with saliva, and he looked absolutely mortified as he looked around, afraid that someone might have seen.

"You… You're crazy," he breathed shakily, seeming frightened that Ikkaku had just grabbed him like that out of the blue. "Why did you do that?… Why didn't you stop?" he asked, lip trembling as he looked back at Ikkaku. Something inside Ikkaku curled up and died.

"I… I didn't mean to scare ya' so bad… I just…" he trailed off as Yumichika brought a hand to his eyes, able to tell that Yumichika was about to start crying. "Woah, no, no, don't  _cry_ , I didn't-"

"You're… You're  _crazy,"_ Yumichika hissed, looking at him with such poison that Ikkaku felt cracks spreading through his heart, hurting even more than the blow to his crotch.

"Ouch…" Ikkaku hissed, holding the front of his pants, stumbling to his feet, knees buckling as he gripped where he'd been kicked so hard, "Fuck, that hurt." He straightened up, looking at the poor thing that kept repeating that he was crazy, still stuck there on the fence. At least Yumichika wasn't running, but that could just mean that he was in shock.

"I've waited so long," Ikkaku said again, advancing on him, trying to seem nonthreatening. He didn't want to scare him anymore. He didn't want to hurt him, really he didn't, so he held out his hand like he was trying to pet a wild animal. Yumichika flinched away, holding up a hand like he was trying to block a punch. Ikkaku let out a breath, hand dropping in defeat.

Yumichika picked up his books cautiously, still locking his eyes on Ikkaku to make sure he wasn't going to be grabbed again.

"Aw… Yumichika, I'm sorry… I didn't… I'm sorry I did that," he mumbled, looking at him, shrinking back a little. "I just… I care about ya'… I still care about ya' like I did when we were kids… maybe even more than that," he said quietly. "I promise, I… I won't ever hurt you, okay?" Yumichika stared at him as if the concept was completely foreign, a flicker of recognition flashing over his eyes.

He was just so beautiful right now, like a star, like a crystal, like he was finally melting for him, like his passionate love was melting Yumichika's ice-cold heart.

"I've waited so long," he said softly, trying to calm Yumichika down with words instead of touches. Maybe that hadn't been the best approach, to just grab him like that in his temporary insanity. "You don't know how happy I was when I found you again when I came back from studying abroad… I really missed you... I want you to be mine… I want to take you on dates and hold your hand… I want to fight for you," Ikkaku said quietly, reaching out and touching Yumichika's arm, discouraged when Yumichika shied away, swatting back his fingers.

When Yumichika tried to bolt, Ikkaku grabbed him in his arms and held him tightly. Yumichika whimpered but didn't struggle, going limp and still, eyes wide and afraid. Ikkaku almost dropped him when he saw that, Yumichika's erratic breathing and his horrible  _shaking_  sending guilt through his heart like needles. When Yumichika made a terrified noise, lip quivering, Ikkaku panicked a little.

"No, no, sh, sh, sh- Don't cry. I won't ever hurt you, I promise," Ikkaku said sincerely, stroking the side of Yumichika's face. "I just don't want you to leave… Please don't cry, angel," he whispered, getting a lump in his throat as well. "Don't be afraid of me," he said, leaning in a little, wiping underneath Yumichika's eyes before the tears could fall.

"All I want is your time… don't you see? I'd do anything…"

"Please," Yumichika begged, trying to make him see reason, starting to squirm and push against his arms. "You don't know the situation, I have someone else. I have  _Kaa._  This can't, this can't… Let me go,  _please!_ " Ikkaku didn't listen, tilting his head, hovering his mouth so close over Yumichika's, allowing the tension to build as he hushed him. He saw the tremble and the pleasured flutter of his eyelashes as he held him like this.

He brushed his mouth over Yumichika's but didn't kiss him as he leaned his forehead onto Yumichika's snow-covered hair.

"You're lying… You don't hate me. You having a boyfriend already isn't the issue either, is it… There's something you won't tell me." One look in Yumichika's eyes told him that he was right. Yumichika didn't look afraid anymore now that Ikkaku was speaking so calmly. All he saw inside him now was bitter sadness.

Ikkaku was so close now that his lips were brushing Yumichika's cheek while he talked, warm breath melting the snowflakes in his eyelashes. "Whatever problem you think you have, however messed up you think you are… None of that matters, don't you see?" Ikkaku pressed a gentle kiss to Yumichika's left eyelid, feeling some sort of pull from the universe telling him to plant one right there.

"I think you're beautiful and special," Ikkaku said louder, furrowing his brow. "So shouldn't you let me decide for myself whether or not you're worth it?"  
Yumichika's eyes opened as Ikkaku kissed him on the nose and then let him go. "I'd struggle through anything for you, don't you see? It's been eight years… Don't you think I could handle whatever's the matter?"

Ikkaku knelt down in the snow in front of him, soaking the fabric of his pants right through as he pressed his face into Yumichika's middle, hugging him loosely enough that Yumichika could get away if he wanted. He truly regretted scaring Yumichika; he'd let his temper get the better of him. He kissed Yumichika's gloved hands, deciding to go for a more tender approach rather than shouting in Yumichika's face. You attract more flies with honey, after all, but Yumichika wasn't a fly. No, he was a  _butterfly._

"You  _are_  worth it. You're worth everything. I want you. I can wait… I can wait forever… until you really look at me and see what I see… Who fucking cares if you think things will turn out bad. You'll never know if you don't try… Don't you think it would be worth it?… I know that you don't hate me as much as you try to make yourself believe… There's something between us still, and you know it. Can't you feel it?… Tell me that you can feel it too…"

Yumichika nodded a little bit, breath uneven. Ikkaku smiled a little sadly, letting him go.

Ikkaku got up and turned around. "The Yumichika I remember wasn't scared of anything. Saying it'll turn out bad and that it's not worth a try… That's a coward's way out. You're not a coward, are you?" Yumichika was silent for a long time, and Ikkaku almost thought that he'd snuck away, but when he turned around he could hear the snow falling around him, and he saw that Yumichika's eyes were red with tears he was trying to hold in.

"You… It's not fair that I feel this way." Yumichika's voice was shaking. "Even with you scaring me like that… You… you still make me want to follow you," he whispered, voice still cracking.

Ikkaku looked on, heart aching for him, hearing the pain in his voice. Yumichika's head dropped in shame. "You're right about me liking you even after all this time… I feel it… I do feel it, and I'm sorry for lying to you for so long, trying to get rid of you… You just don't understand what a coward I have become… You just don't understand how scared-" his voice cracked, and he put his face in his hands, trying to walk away, but Ikkaku grabbed his arm.

"I hope it's not me that you're scared of…" Yumichika shook his head, chin huddled down into his neck as he whimpered a little, trying not to cry. Ikkaku patted his shoulder. "Good… I can protect you from anything, even me. If anyone touches you, I'll cut off their hands, okay? Even if they're  _my_ hands. Everything will be fine… I'll take care of everything, I said. We can go as slow as you like. I'll keep you safe…"

Yumichika's eyes drifted closed for a moment, indulging that wonderful fantasy of absolute protection and care, but the possibility of such a thing seemed far away.

"I don't need much. I just need you," Ikkaku whispered, fog of his breath hitting Yumichika's sensitive ears. Chills went through Yumichika's body and he made a little noise, letting Ikkaku stand closer to him than necessary.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked lowly, and Yumichika shuddered, nodding helplessly, making a noise when he pulled him in and gently kissed his neck, moving his turtleneck until he found a hickey that wasn't from him.

"Is that the problem?" Ikkaku asked hesitantly, knowing that this was a sticky topic. "If that's it, I don't care about being the other man. We'll be careful so that he doesn't find out. We don't even have to do anything, so you won't be being unfaithful. You don't even have to kiss me. I just want your time, that's all I want," he said, kissing the side of his cheek where that bruise was. Yumichika gave a breathy sob at the touch to his wound.

"You don't understand… now that I've let this happen, I…" Yumichika's face was pinched with fear and worry, sounding more in control of himself now, looking up at Ikkaku in concern for his safety. Ikkaku didn't understand at all, hearing in Yumichika's voice that he was warning him, telling him to get away while he could. "You can't be with me, you just can't."

Ikkaku backed up, grimacing as he called Yumichika out. "You switched it around now. Before it was 'I can't be with you'… So which is it then?" he asked, holding Yumichika's hands in his. "Are you protectin' yourself or me? Which is it?"

"I…" Yumichika said shakily, "I don't… I… Maybe," he said, looking as if he thought his own words were crazy. "Maybe I… could try…"

"I can tell that you want to," Ikkaku said. "I see you peek at me sometimes... I see the way you angle away when I walk past you up to the teacher's desk. I can feel that you've missed me after all those years… Just like how I missed you… So what's holding you back? You think I'm gonna' hurt you or break your heart? I've waited for almost a decade, ya' think I just wanna' get you in the sack? Don't you see what I feel?…"

Yumichika didn't look at him, but his eyes were still vulnerable and trusting, and Ikkaku could see the old Yumichika in there somewhere, dying to get out and color the world again with his snarky, life-filled,  _wonderful_ attitude. Ikkaku held Yumichika's hands in front of him like they were sharing a candle and blocking it from the wind. "I just wanna' hold your heart, darlin'," Ikkaku whispered in his ear, standing there in the snow with Yumichika, saving the moment in some far corner of his brain.

They let a few seconds pass, Ikkaku gazing down at Yumichika's face, Yumichika starting to curl his hands through Ikkaku's, returning the hold with his trembling fingers. Ikkaku was overcome with a desire to hug Yumichika to him, because he knew that this tremble of his had nothing to do with the cold. Yumichika never shivered.

Yumichika finally looked up to him them, tilting his face up but keeping his eyes flicked down to keep his gaze averted. He hesitantly reached up and rubbed his fingers over Ikkaku's face like a child who was in shock that they were allowed to eat an entire chocolate cake. His voice was soft and sweet again, hesitant, but eager as well.

"I… Maybe we can do the project together… and… maybe if… maybe as a secret… just maybe," he said, swallowing as if he were sick, letting Ikkaku wrap him in his arms and stand there in the snow, feeling warm and safe for one precious moment. Yumichika met Ikkaku's eyes for as long as he could, which was only about two seconds, but he could see the care and the passion in Ikkaku's eyes, and his heart was starting to warm up despite his caution and dread.

Ikkaku held him like he could protect him from anything, but Yumichika knew that wasn't the case. "You won't regret this," Ikkaku said, so confidently that Yumichika nearly believed. "I promise you won't regret this."

Yumichika knew that he would. Hopefully the span of time that this little affair would stay secret would be well worth the punishment he'd receive. If he survived it, he would be okay, since Kaa never held grudges and forgave him completely after each beating. Hopefully it would be worth the pain. He wouldn't delude himself by thinking that they would never get caught. Kaa always found out when he was bad. Kaa would know just by looking at him.

Yumichika knew that this was dangerous. He knew that this was a secret that - if not guarded properly - could destroy him. Ikkaku might think that he could protect him, but Ikkaku's presence alone was what would put him in danger.

Ikkaku was willing to go through the pain and the hard times to be in a relationship, but Yumichika wasn't sure that  _he_  could take what pain might come to him. As much as he wanted to love Ikkaku like he had used to, he just knew that this couldn't end well, that he wasn't strong enough anymore.

He was clutching at the photograph taped to his chest again, looking up uncertainly at his dream, at his sweetheart from so long ago, at his special, wonderful, dorky Ikkaku.

Suddenly, he scrunched the photo up in his fist.

* * *

_He who dares not grasp the thorn should never crave the rose._


	10. Trivium

_Hitting and kicking is_  
_Our kinda' love._  
_Crying and dying,_  
_All of the above._

* * *

Renji was in a miserable pout, holding his finger up so Ichigo could put a bandaid on it. Ichigo's facial expression was sour, working his frown lines even further into his face as he snapped that his finger wound wasn't even  _close_  to one of the vital injuries he'd been given, like the blows to his stomach and head, or the cuts that were still bleeding. Renji stubbornly insisted that his finger needed a bandaid.

Ichigo kicked him in the leg halfheartedly, getting up to get a red bandaid from a box that was clearly for kids. Renji sniffled through his bloody nose, which had started bleeding again when he'd sneezed too hard. Ichigo held a tissue onto his face, making him blow, still with an angry scowl.

Renji didn't protest to Ichigo's rough treatment of him, knowing that he probably deserved it. Ichigo kept swatting him and cursing at him, saying that he'd kick his ass the next time he got his ass kicked. Hah. Funny.

Of course, Renji knew that Ichigo was only saying things like that because he had worried about him and was mad that he'd gotten hurt. He knew this when Ichigo brushed his matted hair gently in contrast to his constant hitting and beratement. Even as he did this, Ichigo was still pissed, and when he didn't start cooling down like he usually did, Renji eventually started trying to make excuses again for why the fight had happened. Ichigo hit him in the back of the head with a magazine to shut him up, but Renji didn't miss the fact that Ichigo would've normally used a textbook.

" _Shut up._ Don't  _fucking_  talk to me, you big liar. All that bullshit you said last night was just a bunch of crap, wasn't it?  _Wasn't it?_  You're just as bad as Grimmjow! You just wanna' have sex with me, huh?" For a moment, Renji wondered if Ichigo was upset thinking he had lied, as if he was disappointed that his feelings weren't real or something. Did Ichigo  _want_  him to be in love with him? If that was so, then why had he shed so much more favor on Grimmjow, who seemed to be after only one thing?

"No!" Renji said hastily, upset that Ichigo had jumped to that conclusion  _again_. He dropped the ice pack that he had been holding to his eye, looking up at Ichigo in horror, feeling the beginnings of anger starting to take hold of him. "I am  _not_  a pervert! Stop  _saying_  that!"

"You wanna' be with me, so yeah, you're a pervert!" Ichigo shouted, completely fed up with this whole situation. That word made Renji wince; it got under his skin so badly, bothering him even more than it did Ikkaku, who nearly had a conniption whenever someone suggested that he was less than virtuous. He really felt like throttling Ichigo. How many times did they have to go through this? When had Renji  _ever_  made some sort of inappropriate advance on Ichigo?  _Never!_

"No, damnit,  _no!_  It's not that kind of feeling. I don't want your body, okay?" Renji insisted, trying to grab Ichigo. Ichigo pulled away, backing himself into a corner of the lower bunk as Renji came for him, practically walking like Frankenstein's monster because of how stiff he was from getting beat up in the freezing cold.

"You idiot, you fucking  _idiot_ , I thought you knew what I meant yesterday! You could put a motherfucking padlock on the front of your pants if you wanted, I really couldn't care less if I tried! I don't like you how Grimmjow does. Why don't you see that? Can't you  _tell?_ " he asked desperately, shaking his head with a growl, wondering if his declaration of his affections had gotten through to Ichigo at all. Didn't Ichigo  _notice_  when he gave him those dreamy eyes?

"Then  _what?!"_  Ichigo screeched to top Renji's volume, throwing a book at him to fend him off. It hit Renji in the chest, and even though the impact wasn't much - it was a paperback - he still flopped backwards onto his ass with a heavy thud.

" _Ow!"_  he shouted, rolling over and rubbing his bruised tailbone as he stumbled back to his feet. "What the heck? 'Then what'  _what?_  I don't know what you're-" Ichigo cut him off, more worked up and angry than Renji had seen him in a long time. In fact, he was becoming concerned that Ichigo really might blow a gasket or something, because his face was turning red and his eye was doing that twitchy thing.

"Whatever the hell you mean, you should just come out and say it, because you're making no sense, you pervert!"

What Renji began saying completely stopped Ichigo in his tracks, all but putting out the flame of his fury. It hadn't fully occurred to Ichigo that Renji's 'feelings' might be  _emotions_  and not... physical arousal. Part of him started feeling very warm, and he didn't get why. His heart was pounding and his stomach was tingling, and it pissed him off, because he didn't understand it.

"Fine! I'll fucking say it, since you're such a hard-ass," Renji forced out, looking pitiful with the bandages around his poor bashed-up face. He made himself say it plainly without any shouting, anger, or insults, really wanting to make sure Ichigo understood one hundred percent this time. No, he wasn't like Grimmjow. If he was in love, he was going to say it without holding back, no tricks, no games, no lies.

"I… I want you to be  _mine_ , okay? I want you to be with  _me_ _!_  I want to take you on dates, and buy Christmas presents for your sisters, and make you fucking  _cookies!_ " Renji was getting choked up, and Ichigo just stared back at him like he'd lost his mind.

He didn't interrupt, part of his heart breaking open, letting Renji's fond emotions come inside him. Some deep, dark, sick part of him _liked_ the fire and the pain in Renji's eyes. Some part of him deep down,  _way_  down in the morass of his endless denial… Some part of him  _liked_ the idea of Renji caring him so much, even if it meant it was causing Renji so much pain. What the hell did that mean? What kind of horrible person did that make him?

"Look, I consider you my family, okay?I've put you down as an emergency contact for years, and I always put down your phone number and email as a backup contact whenever I'm signing  _anything_. It's  _you,_ you asshole. You're the one… that I w-"

"You've lost your fucking mind!" Ichigo shouted, feeling sick. Renji glared at him for a moment, but then he looked down, smiling, eyes wet.

"Heh'… yeah."

Ichigo was mortified, shocked into silence as Renji kept talking. "When I get in a car accident, I want it to be you that they call. When I have a problem, I want it to be you to comfort me," Renji said a little breathlessly, fists clenching and unclenching as he forced out the words, looking him in the eyes. Ichigo just listened, mouth open, eyes practically bugging out of his head as he fully realized just what Renji was trying to tell him.

"You've already done that stuff for years, and… would it be so different for you to keep doing it now that you know… now that you know that I…"

Ichigo blanched. Renji… No, it couldn't be. Renji couldn't really…  _feel_  that way, could he? Not when Ichigo hit him all the time and swore at him, getting mad over stupid things like having clothes all over the floor? Not when Ichigo lost his temper so easily, not when he could be so cruel, not when he shouted so much and said such hurtful things? Renji couldn't feel that way for  _him_ , could he?

No, he didn't  _deserve_ the pain and love in Renji's eyes. Just look at how he'd hurt him and tossed his affections away. He didn't deserve any of this.

"I don't want things to change, don't you see? It won't be so bad… I want to keep seeing you brushing your teeth in the morning when your hair's fucked up… I want ta' keep calling you moron and fucker, and I want to keep wrestling and arguing over which super hero is better… I want to keep watching stupid TV shows at three in the morning, and eating chips, and fucking shit-talking people at the club," Renji rambled, voice getting louder. "I want you to keep doing that stupid thing where you shout and do that fucking scowl whenever I say something stupid. I  _want_  that."

As incredibly sappy as this was, Ichigo couldn't help but be a little touched, even if he was embarrassed and shocked. He was stunned by how deeply Renji seemed to care, and part of him was - dare he say it -  _happy_  to believe it.

"I… I want that, I want you to be my best friend just like always, I want that  _forever_ … but with  _more_ … _"_ Renji's voice was starting to crack as he climbed onto the bed near Ichigo. "Just a little bit more… It wouldn't be so bad for you, right?"

Renji crawled forward, and with each inch he gained, Ichigo matched the distance by scooting back in alarm. Renji shook his head, fingers twitching as he reached out, slapped away roughly.

"I wanna' read ta' you, and hold your hand, and catch you frogs, and pick you flowers, you stupid-" Renji cut himself off, shaking his head, seeming to be trying to gather his courage. "Do you understand now? It's… It's not… I  _love_  you!" Ichigo's mouth dropped open, and he didn't know what to say, never having been at more of a loss in his entire life.

Renji just looked at him for a little while, hoping for a positive or at least neutral reaction. When he didn't find one, he grew tired of looking at Ichigo's shocked and horrified face, flopping backwards onto the mattress. He put an arm over his eyes with a dejected sigh, still-bleeding wounds getting his blankets a little dirty. When Ichigo still didn't speak, Renji began scrounging for something he could say that might make Ichigo feel safer or like he could at least sleep peacefully at night.

"I don't feel how that perfume-parlor-snake does. I don't wanna' get in your pants, I  _promise_. I love you… I just love you," Renji whispered. Ichigo looked at him carefully when Renji peeked his eyes out through his fingers. "Is that okay?" he asked, so plainly that it took Ichigo aback.

"Yes," Ichigo said immediately. "I mean… yeah," he said a little more casually. "If that's all it is, then… It's not like I can tell you to stop or something, so… Maybe I could get used to it." Renji looked at him like a star-struck child, like he was second-guessing what he was hearing, but was just as happy to blindly believe that it was real.

"Wow… You… You're just perfect," Renji said dreamily. Ichigo kicked him in the shoulder, jabbing a bruise.

"Don't say weird shit like that ta' me," Ichigo grumbled, cheeks reddening.

Renji sat up and crawled towards him a little, frowning, attempting to preserve some semblance of his masculinity. Ichigo probably thought he was a complete dork now, but maybe that was inevitable, given the pineapple hair he sported nearly ever day. "I mean… That sounded really lame, didn't it… But that's how I feel… I should get credit for honesty. What, do you think this isn't hard to say?"

Ichigo shrugged, telling him to get himself back over in that chair so he could finish with patching him up. They didn't talk for a while, Ichigo cutting Renji off whenever he tried to say something, just trying to maintain the silence for a while.

"You and your fucking hair," Ichigo muttered much more good-naturedly, not even realizing that he was smiling a little. "I can't even tell where you're bleeding from, you stupid tomato-head." Renji snorted, pointing to where the gash was.

Ichigo made him take off his shirt so he could put hot compresses on his big bruises, and he listened to his stomach for a while to check if he was bleeding internally. After that, he applied two butterfly bandaids to a cut on Renji's cheek, which had opened from an extremely rough punch. He put a regular tan bandaid on Renji's nose after setting the broken cartilage, and then shoved Renji's head a little to tell him he was done, going back over to the bed and flopping down.

Renji struggled for a while, knocking shit over as he tried to take off his clothes, moving his stiff body parts awkwardly. After about ten pitiful minutes, he got his pajamas on, crawling over to the bed. He peeked up over the edge of the mattress and poked Ichigo's leg to see if he was still awake.

"Mm," Ichigo answered blandly, eyes opening. Renji crawled up next to him, tentatively reaching out a hand.

"Can I… Can I just… maybe… hold you?" Renji asked. "Just for a little bit?" he quickly added on when Ichigo stiffened up.

Ichigo sat up, staring at him in paranoia. He looked extremely standoffish about the whole touching thing, as if he were already having second thoughts about having agreed to this, but he nodded stiffly all the same, shoulders nearly up to his ears because of how tense he was. Renji didn't understand how it was easier for Ichigo to let Grimmjow touch him. Maybe this was a test.

Renji crawled all the way up to him and laid down on his back, tugging Ichigo gently to make him lay next to him. When Ichigo saw that he wasn't going to grab him anywhere or something, only touching him by having an arm around his shoulders, he relaxed a little, squirming just a mite closer. He listened to Renji's slow uneven breathing for a few minutes, allowing the touch to his head as Renji rubbed his hair cautiously.

"You really are telling the truth, aren't you… You really feel that way," Ichigo said, staring straight up at the bottom of the top bunk with stunned eyes. Renji nodded a little, sighing.

"Yeah… Stupid, huh?" Ichigo made a noncommittal noise. "It's a real pain sometimes, cause' you're pretty annoying," Renji teased. Ichigo smiled a little, ignoring Renji when he tried to tickle him.

Eventually Ichigo completely unwound, trying to move closer so they could lay a bit more how he assumed people usually would cuddle. He turned towards Renji and put his arm across Renji's middle, laying his head down on Renji's shoulder, which allowed Renji to bring his arm further around him. This was fine; there was nothing wrong with laying next to each other above the covers, right? They weren't rubbing or anything, just lying still. This was fine. Ichigo kept telling himself that, closing his eyes.

Renji gave a contented sigh, "This is okay, right?"

"Yeah… It's not so bad," Ichigo whispered. "It's just… weird." Renji rolled his eyes, because Ichigo had just said that how Draco Malfoy says 'mudblood'. Didn't Ichigo know that it didn't make him any less of a man to be doing this? Nothing had changed. Allowing Renji to touch him hadn't put a neon sign over his head that said 'Fruit Loop'. He was just as tough, just as good at kicking ass, just as blunt and crass and strong, and he hoped Ichigo would realize that with time. Maybe it was one of the things holding Ichigo back.

"But… it's not bad," Ichigo commented awkwardly, looking embarrassed. Renji's heart pulsated with warmth, allowing him to settle into the bed, no holds barred.

"Yeah, yeah, the weirdo pineapple head," Renji mumbled, tugging on Ichigo's hair a little bit. "I… Thanks," he found himself saying suddenly. "You're a really good friend."

"Why?" Ichigo asked with genuine curiosity, glancing up at him.

"Just cause'. I thought you'd try to have me lynched when you found out. Or take me to the vet and tell them to just cut it off." Ichigo busted out laughing, clapping a hand over his own mouth. Renji smiled, happy when Ichigo laid back down on him, head placed further on his upper chest and shoulder. He gave a little excited breath; Ichigo was so close that his hair was touching his face.

Ichigo gave a pleasant relaxed sigh that often follows a laugh attack, settling in nicely with less hesitance, seeming to be getting comfortable with it. Renji just beamed and lay perfectly still, as if he could keep Ichigo here longer by not disturbing him.

"So what's gonna' happen now, then?" Renji asked. "I know you're trading off with dates and stuff, but… I'll just go ahead and say it: it seems like it's a lot harder for you to be around me than Grimmjow… So, what's gonna' happen?"

"I guess… we'll just test the waters… I guess," Ichigo repeated, not answering Renji's little comment about his discrepancies between the two of them. "I can see how it is, and then decide from there." Ichigo closed his eyes, adjusting his head on his shoulder, hair tickling Renji's cheek.

This couldn't be happening. He must be dreaming; maybe it was the bad tuna again, because there was no  _way_  Ichigo would snuggle up to him like that… Ichigo would never try to feel that way, or let him lie this close to him. There was no way, it was impossible.

It seemed that it  _wasn't_  impossible because Renji did not wake up, and even if the chances were slim to none, Renji was still psyched that there was a chance at  _all_ now. Even if it was infinitesimal, he had a chance, and that had to count for something.

"Okay," Renji said, perfectly happy with any sort of chance, even though he knew that this meant that Ichigo was considering Grimmjow as well still. "I… Thanks for not completely flipping out. I was really scared that you were gonna' get a new roommate for a while there. I know that you're still kind of grossed out and antsy, but… I'm serious… I really do love you," he whispered, muttering 'yeah, yeah' when Ichigo gave a mock-gag. "I don't want you to suffer being with me, though, so if it's bad, you don't have to hide it."

"We'll just see," Ichigo whispered, yawning, still feeling a bit weird and uncomfortable getting held. "We'll just have to see." After about five minutes of silence and half-cuddling, Ichigo's eyes opened and he sat up a little, still letting Renji touch him and rub his back with a searching arm.

"I just got an idea. To make this better, you should just act how you would if we really did get together… Act how you'd treat me… I'll tell Grimmjow to do the same thing, but he probably won't change that much… Just… I'm telling you that it's okay, alright? You can pretend I'm… pretend I'm your…" Ichigo went pink, clearing his throat, unable to look him in the eye. Renji beamed.

"Okay," he said simply, not wanting to push his luck. Ikkaku - the master of luck - always said to quit when you were ahead, so quit he would. "I can do that… babycakes," he said, pushing his luck after all, teasing Ichigo a little.

Luckily, Ichigo didn't react badly; he didn't even blush that time. He just rolled his eyes and put a hand over Renji's stupid dorky mouth, laying back down next to him. "Oh shut up already, you fucking sap." Renji just smiled, holding him, peeking through his loose hair, eyes blinking lazily.

"That's what I love…" Renji whispered, smiling in complete bliss as his eyes closed. Ichigo lay there next to him in silence, eyes widening, having felt his heart just crack open. Renji… Renji really just loved his friendship, and he could feel it like the slow drip of warm honey.

He knew this feeling… this would… maybe it really would be possible for him to come to love Renji in time. This wouldn't be so bad at all.

Ichigo lay there for a minute, uncertainty swirling through him, before he began to smile to himself.

* * *

"Okay, sweetheart, that sounds great," Ikkaku said into the phone, being sure not to be too loud, because Yumichika had told him to keep his voice down. Maybe his boyfriend was home.

Yumichika had invited him over for the weekend after all, and Ikkaku was extremely excited. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday all to themselves - and their homework of course, but still. This was amazing,  _damn_ was he lucky. Well, sometimes. It was either crazy good or crazy bad, and it seemed that the stars were on his side today.

It was a shame.

If Ikkaku had been able to see into the future, even a little bit, he would've turned his back and never talked to Yumichika again, but Ikkaku wasn't clairvoyant, and he didn't realize that what he was toying with was dangerous. So of course, he served as the catalyst to an explosive situation, and it would leave Yumichika broken beyond repair.

But he wasn't clairvoyant and he wasn't a psychic, so Ikkaku would go, making a decision that would destroy everything he'd come to hope for.

* * *

_I heard you were giving kisses free, more to death than you were to me._


	11. Ternary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: EXPLICIT ART

  _You’ve got it baby, you’ve got the stuff  
__You make me love you ‘till it’s more than enough  
__You make me want it, and I won’t take it back,  
__But don’t break my heart, just don’t let it crack._

* * *

 

“Nn… _ahh_ ,” Ichigo gasped, intense pleasure tingling through his whole body. Oh, Renji’s hand was so much softer than Grimmjow’s. The calluses weren’t rough or tainted with char from frequent cigarettes, and Renji’s body was warm and soft behind his, holding him close with his slightly bigger frame. Renji smelled so nice, and it just felt so good, being touched this way. He loved those gentle kisses being planted all over his neck. He loved being held like this.

But he couldn’t let Renji know that. Oh no, that would be too soft and weak and _gay_ , to tell him that he liked this. It would make him seem submissive and weak, and he wouldn’t allow that. He couldn’t cave in and see that smug look appear on Renji’s face; it was bad enough seeing it on Grimmjow’s. He couldn’t bear to see it on his best friend’s face too. It was too much, to know that he’d completely lost control, to know that he was naked and exposed and vulnerable towards someone that he always wanted to be strong in front of.

“Do you let him do this to you?” Renji whispered into Ichigo’s ear, holding Ichigo’s body to his front, hands down inside of his sheep-covered pajama pants. Ichigo was gritting his teeth, red in the face and making those little noises that Renji loved so much. Oh, he just couldn’t help it, no matter how hard he tried. He didn’t want to let Renji know that it felt good, but he couldn’t stop the little noises from coming out, even if he completely blocked his throat and crunched his teeth together. It pissed him off that Renji had such power over him, that he was breaking down and showing weakness.

“Ahh,” Ichigo gasped, head rolling back onto Renji’s shoulder, face angry and hot. Why did he have to be so damn sensitive that he couldn’t even keep quiet? He didn’t like being seen like this. He had made Renji be behind him so that he couldn’t see his nakedness directly; it was bad enough that Renji was touching him under his underpants. He hadn’t even let _Grimmjow_ do that to him.

Part of him knew damn well that it was easier to let Grimmjow do this because he could put up a front and whine and shout that he didn’t _really_ want to do it with him. He could put up resistance and say that Grimmjow’s persistence was the reason that he’d given in and let himself be touched. But with Renji… There was no excuse or escape that he could use. This was completely his decision, and he couldn’t say that it was because Renji was pressuring him or something. It pissed him off that he was seeming weak, that he had willingly given in, as if he was letting someone dominate him and have their way.

Renji awkwardly stroked along Ichigo’s length, licking his fingers to try to soothe the raw feeling of the rubbing. “Did you?” he asked again, kissing the side of Ichigo’s neck gently.

“No… I stopped him before he… touched me there… under my clothes,” Ichigo gasped out, half angry that Renji might get smug or something. It was hard to be furious when it just felt so good. He shuddered, clinging to Renji, growling to keep from making that ‘o-face’ that Renji absolutely adored. “Ahh, ah, no, slow down,” he begged, breaking out in a sweat.

“But you let him touch you,” Renji clarified, now sounding a little upset that Grimmjow had touched him at all, skin contact or no. Ichigo didn’t miss the shiver that went through Renji’s strong body, as if he were happy that he’d been the person that Ichigo trusted more.

“Not like… not… Nn,” Ichigo whimpered as Renji stroked him faster, kissing his way over his shoulder. He couldn’t act angry anymore, just letting the feeling take him over. Oh god…

Renji knew that he was probably being too rough and inconsistent in his hand motions, but he was trying to do a good job, trying to remember the motions he’d seen in the pornos his caretakers would watch in front of him when he was a kid. The best was some sort of wrist action that he was still trying to get the hang of. It was harder to do on someone else. The noises Ichigo was making were encouraging to say the least.

He twisted his wrist and held Ichigo tighter right at the base, swirling upwards with every stroke. He licked his hand again, snaking it back down, still in disbelief that this was really happening.  

Renji kissed his lover’s cheek, and suddenly Ichigo started swearing and jerking in his arms to try to get away from him, cursing at him and his gay ways.

“Is it really that bad to do this with me?” Renji whispered in disappointment. Ichigo turned a little, shouting at him hotly as Renji held him under the blankets, trying to give him some pleasure like Grimmjow obviously had.

“Yes, I don’t like it!” Ichigo shouted, gritting his teeth with an angry expression as he tried to keep from making any more noise. This proved impossible, as Ichigo was insanely sensitive. Renji rolled his thumb around the head to spread the little trickle of precum on it. He tried with both hands, twisting around Ichigo as he stroked him.

“But I’m trying so hard,” he whispered pitifully, rather crestfallen. Ichigo eventually shoved away from him, covering himself up in shame, mumbling that he shouldn’t have let him do that in the first place.

Renji just stared at him for a while as Ichigo became visibly uncomfortable because of the bulge in his pants that he’d forced Renji to abandon.

Ichigo’s eyes widened as Renji crawled to him and gently tried to make him come back near him. “Oh, let me try this, I _know_ that you’ll like this. I promise I won’t bite.”

“I don’t wanna’ do anything else,” Ichigo pouted hotly, red in the face, absolutely mortified. Screw Renji and his stupid feelings and his stupid sweet dopiness and his stupid _stupid_ face. Screw _all_ of it. “I never get a break from you perverts.”

“Aw c’mon, It’ll be good, I promise.” Ichigo hesitantly let Renji lay him down and have his way. The orange-haired man mumbled something in embarrassment as he covered himself with his hands, not liking Renji to be at eye-level with that area. The only reason he had let Renji touch him there in the first place was because they had been under the blankets where Renji couldn’t see his nakedness so closely.

Just as Renji’s mouth began to near his crotch, he realized what was about to happen and jerked away in surprise, part of him horrified, the other part insanely excited by the prospect of something like that; It would probably feel _really_ good… Wet and warm and… wow, that would be nice, wouldn’t it.

But his knee-jerk reaction was to scramble backwards in alarm, which caused him to wake up and roll right out of bed with a _thunk_.

He blinked dazedly for a moment, staring at the ceiling, wondering why it still felt kind of warm down there. Renji looked over the edge of the mattress curiously, sleepy-eyed, asking him if he had hit his head or hurt himself.

“You okay, koibito?” Renji asked hesitantly, still a little antsy about calling him anything sweet, lest he be hit and sworn at.

Immediately Ichigo blushed, having realized that he had been having an inappropriate dream. He nearly tripped over himself as he got up, gripping the front of his pants, finding that he had made a mess in them as he rushed to the bathroom.

What was this? He never had wet dreams, and it wasn’t as if he wanted to do something like that with Renji. Hell, he didn’t want to do it with Grimmjow either. Like that stupid dream would ever happen anyways. Why would that fantasy even be bouncing around in his head, huh? It wasn’t like he was wishing for that to happen or something. He was never eager to show himself naked to anyone, and definitely wouldn’t let Renji touch him like that so soon - especially if Renji was trying to prove that he wasn’t a pervert like Grimmjow.

Good _God,_ that had been weird… and if he thought about it, it had been strangely frightening. Just when he thought of the close intimate feeling he got when he replayed it in his mind… it was somehow scarier than having Grimmjow grope him in public. Maybe it threatened his shield of denial or his masculine pride or something.

“Are you okay, Ichigo?” Renji called again in concern, having gotten out of bed to go knock on the bathroom door. “Are you throwing up?”

Renji couldn’t get anything out of him other than variations of ‘shut your mouth’, so he decided to get up and make a snack until Ichigo cooled down. It was obviously another one of his fits of denial or ‘no, I’m not gay, I swear’ rants. It would be better to let Ichigo work through it himself rather than try to talk sense to him. Ichigo would often deny the truth if you told it to him, just out of pique. Renji understood. There had been a bunch of things that had wounded Ichigo’s pride lately, and he had no desire to add to the burden.

So Renji just sighed and loafed around, making a snack for himself and one for Ichigo if he ever decided to come out of the bathroom. After his second sandwich, his cellphone rang. “Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Senpai?” Renji asked the voice, thinking that it kind of sounded like Ikkaku, “Oh, I was just thinking of calling you. What’s up?”

“Uh… I got Yumichika ta’ invite me over to his house.” Renji was dead silent for three full seconds, not even chewing out of shock.

“Wow,” Renji said stunned, going on to explain that he hadn’t been over there in ages because of the man Yumichika was with. “Speaking of which, how does Yumichika-senpai look? I haven’t seen him in a while. Is he okay?” Ikkaku gave a little laugh, knowing full well how much Renji looked out for Yumichika. Renji felt bad, because he’d actually been out of contact with Yumichika for a long time. It just infuriated him thinking of Yumichika cooped up in that house all alone. He didn’t care how well Kaa appeared to treat Yumichika; he still got a bad feeling when he looked at the guy.

Ikkaku cleared his throat before answering. “He actually looks a little busted up. He’s been wearing these oversized clothes, and it looks like he bashed up his face on something. He was late to class one day, I think he slipped on the ice.” Renji sighed morbidly, rubbing his temples. He remembered just how much Yumichika had changed, as if all his liveliness and happiness had been sucked out.

“Why doesn’t he hang out with anyone anymore? He’s like a recluse now… I remember him loving to party and drink and… He was a free spirit, you know?”

“I _do_ know. Yumichika was bad and was perfectly good at it.” Ikkaku snorted. “No, I’m serious, he could drink well enough to keep up with Rangiku. He loved… he loved taking pictures and painting and… shopping and just… traveling the world and partying, and… doing everything. He was on his way to fame,” Renji sighed. “It’s hard to believe he’s the same guy as the one we saw in middle school, isn’t it?”

“Yeah… I wonder what happened.”

Renji bit his lip, wondering whether or not to spill the beans. Did Ikkaku know about Kaa at all? He had to, he wouldn’t be that oblivious, and it’s not like Yumichika would lie. Yumichika _loved_ Kaa; that man was his whole life these days. As much as Yumichika had always loved Ikkaku, there would be no way that he would ever be brave enough to go behind Kaa’s back like that.

Usually he kept his mouth shut when it came to Kaa, because nobody wanted to hear what he had to say. Everyone liked Kaa, or at least thought he was a nice guy. Even Ichigo thought he was pretty okay, so Renji didn’t often tell people just how he felt about that dirtbag, but if Ikkaku really was going after Yumichika, he needed to _know_. Renji had to at least tell him about his hunch, just in case.

“Okay, you just want some advice on Yumichika? He was an actor, I already told you that… Oh, and he used to run this little massage business out of his house. He’s crazy-good at it.”

“Why’d he stop?” Ikkaku asked curiously.

“He… okay, can you remember when his transition started?”

“Not quite.”

“Okay, well a bunch of stuff happened all at once. You were abroad that year, I think, so you might not remember... He quit his job, sold his jetski, dropped out of acting school and theater troupe, got rid of his cat, stopped dressin’ up, stopped partyin’... a whole bunch a’ stuff. He sacrificed all that to spend more time with that snake. I think Kaa made him stop with his side-business… fucker.”

“What, you don’t like Kaa?” Ikkaku asked, puzzled. _Everyone_ liked Kaa. Even _he_ liked Kaa, and he was the competitor for Yumichika’s heart. The guy was charming, funny, smart, rich, and he told great stories. “Why not?”

“Well,” he said sourly, “Let’s just say that… I feel protective of senpai, and… I just don’t like… Ugh, I can’t explain it. I have this really bad feeling… I know it’s hard to believe, but… I dunno’, I just don’t like how he treats Yumichika-senpai… I mean, Yumichika always says that everything’s fine and that Kaa’s the best boyfriend, but, you see how much Yumichika has changed. There has to be something.” Ikkaku had a feeling that Renji wasn’t telling him as much as he knew.

“Oh… Oh, wow, that’s… that is pretty strange, isn’t it,” Ikkaku voice came through the receiver sounding a little concerned and almost disturbed.

“Yeah, I think Kaa’s overprotective or something, or that’s how Yumichika puts it. _I_ think he’s controlling, kinda’ like Jaegerjaquez, except less conceited… or maybe just less noisy about it…” Renji started rubbing his temples, wishing that he hadn’t agreed to stop interfering in Yumichika’s life. He knew damn well that Yumichika was lying to him when he said things were fine.

“I mean sure, Kaa treats him real nice, always being appreciative and sweet an’ stuff, but… I that the reason think Yumichika doesn’t even bother asking him to hang out with me or the guys anymore is because Kaa gives him trouble about it. I just have this gut feeling… I think he dresses like that now to cover up for Kaa or something... he gave up his job and his chances for fame... He gave _everything_ , and it pisses me off how the guy acts, like it’s not a big deal or something. I mean, yeah, I thought he was cool and nice for awhile too, and he _was_ for a long time, but… I dunno’, there’s something about him now. I don’t like him.”

Ikkaku was silent, listening. “I haven’t been to their house in ages, but I think things have gotten out of control. It’s seriously everything, if I’m right in assuming. It’s too much;what he eats, when he goes to bed, what he does in his spare time, _everything._ I really hope you can snatch him from Kaa, because he needs someone to stick up for him. You see how far he’s fallen. Yumichika was strong, and he woulda’ never let someone boss him around… He had this unbreakable pride. I don’t think… I don’t think he feels beautiful anymore, and I think that’s the key to Kaa’s power over him. He doesn’t feel pretty anymore.”

“Yeah... It’s sad… It’s really sad. I’m trying.”

“I actually got a phone call from Yumichika a while back askin’ for similar advice about you. I think he’s… thinking about seeing you behind Kaa’s back. No matter what he says, he still likes you, but it’s hard for him to open up now. Just be careful. You’re playing with fire.”

“I can take the heat.”

“I hope so. I really hope so.” Renji was gonna’ go to church tomorrow morning. He had a lot to pray for.

* * *

 

_Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?_


	12. Magnificent

_We are far too screwed up for a goddamned love triangle._

* * *

After their agreement, Yumichika warmed up to him considerably. Sure he was still stoic, quiet, and sometimes cruel out of nervousness, but at least he actually acknowledged Ikkaku’s presence now, which was more than he’d ever hoped for.

Yumichika seemed to be more comfortable if Ikkaku behaved as if nothing had changed, as if there weren’t romantic feelings between them again, like they really were just two students working on a project together, but Ikkaku knew better. He saw the way Yumichika looked at him; he saw his little smile when he heard the way he talked to him, always kind and adoring, if a little blunt. He knew that Yumichika would cave in eventually and let him love him without holding back.

They worked in the library until the weekend, which Yumichika had hesitantly said that he could come over on, after a certain time.

After that phone conversation with Renji, Ikkaku had basically summed up that Renji was glad that he had gotten through to Yumichika, because he really missed spending time with him. He’d told him that Yumichika had had an acting career that was about to take off and that he’d run a massage business on the side out of his home, that he’d had big dreams that had all disappeared when he met _the guy._

Then there’d been an ominous bit about Kaa _maybe_ being controlling, and the fact that Renji thought that _that_ might be the reason that Yumichika didn’t spend time with them anymore. Ikkaku thought that with Yumichika’s shyness, it might be his own choice to stay home and spend time with his boyfriend. Yumichika did adore the guy, after all.

Ikkaku didn’t really know much about the man, but he’d seen him that time when Kaa had found them talking together. The overly handsome man had approached, glowing with happiness that he had Yumichika back in his arms, causing Yumichika to immediately turn cruel and cold towards Ikkaku, denying that there was anything between them.. Ikkaku could understand that part, as this was all supposed to be secret, but the way Yumichika looked at Kaa with such devotion and adoration was a little intimidating. Ikkaku hoped that one day Yumichika would love him as much as Kaa. Maybe if he’d been braver as a child, he and Yumichika would have been together today.

But still, he didn’t know for sure if Renji was right. It was his word against that of the entire campus, who adored Kaa. He couldn’t judge the guy on that, even though he believed that Renji wasn’t purposefully lying or something. Maybe he was just overprotective of his senpai or something and was imagining things.

 _Damn,_ was Ikkaku jealous of Kaa. The guy was handsome, rich, smart, funny, and so much better for Yumichika than he was. Yumichika still looked at him like a shining star, but Kaa was the sun by comparison. All he could do was keep on trying, and he was trying so hard.

Most of their project had been completed, and they were planning to finish the rest of it that weekend at Yumichika’s house. Ikkaku was pleased to note that their little friendship didn’t disappear and was continuing along quite nicely. Yumichika let him sit next to him in class and would let him talk endlessly about any and everything, seeming to be actually interested. Yumichika didn’t reply with much at first, but he listened, sometimes with a smile. Ikkaku could tell that he really listened, and he loved it. He loved having the attention of someone so special.

Their relationship didn’t progress much by way of touching, even though now they were always spending time together out in the snow or in coffee shops or libraries. Yumichika would have to suddenly leave at times to make absolutely sure that his lover knew nothing of all this, and Ikkaku was still okay with it being a secret. It would all be worth it. It would all be worth it just to see that smile, to open up Yumichika’s heart a little further.

When the call had come, Ikkaku picked up immediately, listening to Yumichika’s hurried whispered instructions. Ikkaku had been excited when Yumichika revealed that his lover was going to be gone for the whole weekend visiting family, and that he could come over and spend the night if he chose, as long as he would be sure to leave no evidence. He was ecstatic at the opportunity to sleep over at Yumichika’s house, glad that Yumichika had decided to take the risk for him.

They hadn’t been able to spend any time together truly being alone, and they were both at their wit’s ends, especially Yumichika, who was extremely harrowed from trying to hide all this. Ikkaku was happy to finally be able to see his sweetheart’s home; maybe he’d even be able to kiss him again.

Ikkaku wrote down a list of exactly what he was bringing so that he could be sure to bring it all home with him – It was exciting to know that the hope had expanded so much even in those short few days.

It had been so long, so long without even brushing their hands together or even hinting at their feelings. Ikkaku had waited _years_. It had all been friendship, with their hearts burning silently for one another, and Ikkaku was dying to just hold him and snuggle under a blanket and keep warm together through this endless winter. All he wanted was more of that feeling. He knew Yumichika felt it too, he _must_ , or he wouldn’t be taking such a risk.

Some dark secret part of Ikkaku was starting to feel urges that he’d never gotten before, even as a teenager. It was a deep obsessive want for Yumichika that was stronger than ever, and it was giving him bad, bad thoughts. Ikkaku wanted to _do_ things to Yumichika; he wanted to love him so badly.

Christmas was coming up in about a month and a half, and Ikkaku was already anticipating the party at Ichigo’s house with all their friends. A few of them did mention that it had been years since Yumichika had come, and they didn’t bother extending invitations anymore, having been let down too many times. Ikkaku suggested to Renji that they try anyway, because he had a feeling that Yumichika felt abandoned and alone, and just wanted to know that they still cared, that they still missed him and would still take him back if he chose.

Ikkaku could see how much Renji missed Yumichika, and how much Yumichika had been worrying him with his strange demeanor. It had been years since Yumichika had acted like himself, and Renji was beginning to lose hope that Yumichika would ever leave that man.

Ikkaku would work on it. He’d get Yumichika to come to some sort of agreement this weekend. He’d confess his love verbally again, and then maybe Yumichika would fully give him his heart.

* * *

A day had passed, and Renji was finally ready to take Ichigo out on a date. He’d pecked his orange hair in the morning to wake him up and had called him sweet names and made him a bowl of cereal. Ichigo had done that stupid thing where he would blush, curse, and hit him, but Renji knew that Ichigo secretly enjoyed the attention. He understood that Ichigo needed to put up a resistant front in order to maintain his pride, but that blush and the acceptance of his advances were points in Renji’s direction.

He was starting to really think that Ichigo was really trying to return his feelings, as if he actually wanted to fall in love with him, but was having trouble getting started. Renji was starting to hope that he wouldn’t stray towards Grimmjow again. It seemed that going to church to pray for a billion things had been worth it.

He’d been praying for a stop to his nightmares and his phantom hunger, he’d been praying that Ichigo would accept him, and if Ichigo wouldn’t, he prayed that he wouldn’t go for Grimmjow, because he truly believed that Grimmjow was no good for Ichigo. He didn’t want him to be hurt.

Then he prayed for his senpai’s safety, and for his other senpai’s luck to hold out, and for his other _other_ senpai to stop chasing Kensei and give Kira a chance. He almost prayed for Ichimaru Gin’s death, but changed his mind, instead praying that he would straighten up and go back to Rangiku.

Then he prayed for starving children, children without parents, and children in abusive homes. He prayed for domestic violence victims, assault victims, and for all the homeless people in their city who were stuck out in the cold, freezing to death. Most of all, he prayed for strength.

Ichigo had seemed to be responsive to his treatment of him - or at least accepting of it - and Renji felt that he was doing a good job. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as he thought. It might be okay to live like this, allowed to spoil Ichigo and treat him nice, even though Ichigo wasn’t reciprocating it. As long as he was no longer hostile towards it, Renji would be okay. He could live happily like this.

They met up after their classes and headed over to that little cafe they always ate at together. Renji was sure not to touch Ichigo or act differently in public, because he knew full well that Ichigo would kick him so hard if he made any sort of suggestion towards their relationship in front of strangers. Ichigo absolutely _hated_ making a spectacle, and that was another point that would cripple Grimmjow, who gave no fucks about who was watching.

When there proved to be no one around, Renji would casually slip his pinkie finger around Ichigo’s, liking his room-mate’s ‘hobo-gloves’. Ichigo looked at him as they continued to talk, but didn’t withdraw his arm; he actually smiled a little, curling his finger a little tighter into Renji’s until other people became visible on the route they were walking. Ichigo then crossed his arms really tight and walked a little further away from Renji out of caution, as if there were a sign above their head that told others of their relationship.

Renji held the door open for Ichigo as they entered the restaurant, and they sat in the same booth that they always did, with Renji leaning forward onto the tabletop on his elbows, and Ichigo leaning back, stirring his finger through his glass of water. After they ate a huge plate of french fries, they started chatting about the new Godzilla movie, each expressing a want to go and purchase the DVD. Renji was psyched that Ichigo was starting to act normal again, relaxed in their companionship and longtime friendship, but still open to being more. He hadn’t berated him or grown angry over any of the little differences, like the little bit of touching or the sappy names. Instead of becoming hostile, Ichigo actually seemed to be curious about them, maybe even _liked_ them.

Ichigo bit his lip and took a sip of his water when Renji wrapped his leg around his under the table. He almost choked on his drink, looking around as if he was waiting for someone to point and shout at them for their indecent behavior. What a disgusting display, and in _public_ too. … Ichigo could be such a drama queen.

Renji grinned at him and his blushiness, mouthing something sweet at him as he nabbed the little packet of kid’s crayons and a kid menu, scribbling away on it. Ichigo sighed, shaking his head a little with an embarrassed smile, seeming to be consciously trying to be lenient.

Renji looked up when Ichigo laughed, grinning as his almost-boyfriend shouted at him in his normal attitude, berating his sucky fruit drawings. Renji drew a Grimmjow chibi with underwear on its head. Ichigo nearly spat out his water when Renji held it up for him to see. Renji grinned, glad that Ichigo had thought it was that funny. He soon realized that this was not the case; it was because said-chibi had materialized behind him.

As soon as Renji saw this, he slammed the piece of paper down so Grimmjow couldn’t see, putting a hand over his mouth, acting oblivious as he drummed his fingers on the table. Grimmjow scowled at him as if he wanted to yank on his ponytail, and then flashed a smile at Ichigo.

Renji looked up, smiling a little to himself when he saw how beat-up Grimmjow looked. Yep. That had been totally worth it. _Grimmjow_ hadn’t had anyone to patch him up, and didn’t have any bandages on his wounds, probably too prideful to even put ice on them. Renji didn’t say anything though, because he knew that he looked pretty pathetic with a bandaid on his nose, not to mention all the bruises and scrapes. He was lucky he hadn’t lost any teeth.

Grimmjow shoved his way into their booth, sitting down by Ichigo, immediately putting his arm around his thin shoulders. Renji soured, coloring on the back of the menu angrily, but didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to look bad in front of Ichigo. Ichigo was already pissed that they’d stooped to scrapping yesterday, and he wanted to look like he had some self-control.

Ichigo cringed in disgust, getting red in the face, scooting away from the man as if he smelled of pure pheromones and couldn’t stand being so close to the personification of sex. Renji sighed a little, withdrawing his leg under the table when he saw Grimmjow playing with Ichigo’s hair, nosing at his neck. Ichigo shouted at him and shoved his face back. Grimmjow just bit his finger playfully.

“What are you doing here?” Renji asked calmly, visibly impressing Ichigo with his level-headedness. “It’s not your turn to take Ichigo out.”

“Ya’ gotta’ share him after that little incident yesterday, ya’ fight-picker.” Grimmjow grinned smugly, and no matter how many times Ichigo shoved him out of the booth with his foot, he wouldn’t leave. “Besides, you get ta’ live with him all the time and see him getting out of the shower. That’s not fair, huh?”

Renji scowled. “I don’t watch him getting out of the shower,” he said, still calm. “Now, if you don’t stop talking about him that way, I’m gonna’ make you eat dirt,” he said in all seriousness. Grimmjow didn’t seem to know how to respond to a threat when it wasn’t shouted, so he just let out a ‘che’ and told him to stuff it.

Renji rolled his eyes, coloring violently, muttering creative swears under his breath, but made no mood to rise to Grimmjow’s challenge. Ichigo just sighed, looking pitiful, stressed-out, and embarrassed, still shoving Grimmjow away from him, mad that he kept migrating to his side of the booth.

Grimmjow whipped out his phone and didn’t say anything, seeming to just be paying Renji back for spying on them yesterday, because he didn’t join in the conversation for a while, just letting them talk and eat. As Renji had expected, Grimmjow started running his mouth again after about ten minutes, stealing Ichigo’s attention. Renji just sat there, leaning his cheek onto his hand, hoping Ichigo would decide to leave with him soon.

“Wanna’ go to the bar tomorrow night, baby?”

“No,” Ichigo answered blandly, “Wanna’ know what we _should_ do?”

“What’s that?” Grimmjow asked, arm around Ichigo’s shoulders. Because it was up on the edge of the booth divider, Ichigo allowed it to stay there. Renji eyed them warily, not liking the idea of Ichigo alone and drunk with Grimmjow, and definitely not at night. He kept his mouth shut though, just in case Ichigo decided to spite him when he expressed his upset over it.

“We should to go a nightclub and dance.” Ichigo said it with that glint in his eyes, the one that told Renji that he still had feelings for Grimmjow. It made him feel sick. Grimmjow laughed a little, refusing flat out.

“No. I don’t dance.”

“Pfft,” Renji laughed, masking an insult with a cough. What, was Grimmjow a fan of that movie ‘Cats Don’t Dance’? “Loser.”

“Shut up, at least I know when I look like a freaking idiot. You obviously don’t, pineapple head.”

“Coming from someone who wears eyeliner!” Renji shouted back, finally getting heated. He and Ichigo were notorious for their hot tempers for a reason.

“Oh, for God’s sake, keep your voice down,” Ichigo snapped, sick of the stares of their peers being directed at them.

“They’re tattoos,” Grimmjow growled, crossing his arms. Renji rolled his eyes.

“Oh, yeah right. Who gets tattoos on their face?” Ichigo stared at Renji with a deadpan expression. Renji just stared back until Ichigo sighed, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. “Oh, me sure, but who else?”

“Hisagi,” Ichigo came out with immediately.

“But who-”

“Ikkaku… I suppose they don’t count?” Renji just pouted for awhile.

Eventually, they came upon the subject of how awkward it would be for the loser of their little contest. Grimmjow had obviously brought this topic up on purpose, because he immediately had a solution. “Here, how about this,” he said with a grin, spreading his hands on the table to help narrate his one-sentence plan. “The loser has ta’ leave.” He grinned, leaning back with his arms crossed, as if waiting for praise for his brilliance.

Ichigo actually looked like he thought it was a plausible idea, if not a risky one.

“What?” Renji asked incredulously.

“Yeah, If I lose ta’ firecrotch, I’ll transfer out of chem,” Grimmjow said with a grin, liking the way he got Renji all riled up with the redhead joke. Ichigo looked like he was considering it, eyes narrowed, fingers drumming against his mouth.

“And when firecrotch _loses_ ,” Grimmjow cackled, “He’ll move back in with his mama.” Renji’s hands clenched against the tabletop.

_‘Self control, self control, self control, you can’t hit him, you can’t hit him, you definitely can’t hit him.’_

“Shut your mouth,” he said, dead serious, glaring so hard that he swore his eyes were growing red.

Grimmjow frowned for a split second, before he starting grinning again. Ichigo was looking at him like he couldn’t understand how someone could make jokes in such poor taste. Renji didn’t know why Ichigo had ever thought that this guy deserved a chance. Grimmjow couldn’t take care of him. Grimmjow couldn’t even control his mouth or open his heart up, because there wasn’t any room for anyone else in Grimmjow’s world but himself. He saw Ichigo as his territory, or as some trophy.

“Oh? Is she dead? Fine, move back to the trash heap.”

‘ _YOU CAN’T HIT HIM, DON’T HIT HIM!’_

Ichigo started sputtering, so red in the face that Renji ducked out of instinct, because he knew that Ichigo was _so_ close to having a fucking conniption. Sure enough, Ichigo stood up where he was inside the booth, looming over Grimmjow threateningly. Grimmjow didn’t shrink back, merely tilting his head up with a bored expression.

“Shut your _mouth!”_ Ichigo shouted, attracting the attention of others in the cafe. The manager looked over to them with the usual expression of annoyance, but the guy never kicked them out because he and Renji always bought a ton of food to make up for their racket. They probably kept the place in business with their oversized appetites. Well, Ichigo’s hadn’t been so good as of late, but still, their history with the place kept the manager from escorting them out.

“No matter how pissed I am at him for not telling me all this, he’s still been my best friend for most of my life, so you _shut_ your mouth, you fucking asshole, before I beat some respect into you! Ya’ wanna’ make funna’ _my_ mom, huh? You think it’s funny to make fun of people’s moms?!” Ichigo screeched, sitting back down in a furious huff. Renji patted one of his hands with a sigh, just telling him to let it go already before he burst a capillary. Ichigo seemed to try to get it under control then.

“Well, I bet _your_ mom’s not-”

“Dead?” Ichigo raised his eyebrows with a sarcastic smile. “Tread carefully, my friend, for you are on the _thinnest_ of ice.” Grimmjow scowled, pouting and crossing his arms.

“Oh come on, I didn’t even mean it like that. You’re too damn sensitive, just learn to take a joke.”

Ichigo closed his eyes, seeming to be counting to ten. Renji just sighed, rolling his eyes, taking a sip of water as he wondered whether Ichigo would be at risk for premature strokes. Grimmjow tried to say something to him again, knowing that Ichigo was still upset, but not knowing when to just clam up.

“I-”

“Shut up,” Ichigo said in a calm tone, holding up his water, still with his eyes closed, “before I dump this in your lap, and don’t pretend that I can’t see that you need it, you motherfucking pervert. Do you get spontaneously turned on _all the time?_ ”

Renji face palmed. “Oh brother,” he grumbled, not able to see the bulge in Grimmjow’s pants from where he was sitting, but he was sure that his boner could be seen from space. Grimmjow probably got turned on by Ichigo challenging his authority or something.

“Heh’, you’re just sexy when you act like you could kick my ass,” Grimmjow grinned, leaning into Ichigo’s face. Renji started laughing a little.

“Pfft, your funeral, buddy,” he laughed, shaking his head. How many times was Grimmjow going to delude himself into thinking that Ichigo was a skinny weakling? Maybe it went along with his stupid prideful-male attitude about there needing to be a clear line distinguishing the ‘top and the ‘bottom’. Or maybe Grimmjow was just a conceited asshole who thought everyone to be beneath him. “Let’s see how many of those teeth you’re gonna’ lose.”

Grimmjow leaned back more, elbows up on the edge of the booth behind him. “Che’,” he grinned, still seeming to be fantasizing about punching Ichigo in his pretty little face. “Always pissed me off, you stringbean, thinkin’ you could take me. Bet you wouldn’t be so domineering in bed.”

Ichigo scowled, crossing his arms as he shook his head. Renji could see how disappointed he was, having hoped that Grimmjow would shape up. Sometimes the guy was just too over-the-top, and the forever-arguing nature that they shared suddenly seemed bleak and stressful to Ichigo. “I don’t know why the hell I was ever considering you. You’re the stupidest shit-talker I’ve ever fucking heard. I can’t remember why I forgot that I hate you.”

“Oh, trust me, you’ll remember.” Grimmjow leaned in, locking an arm behind Ichigo’s head to force him to move in for an invasive kiss. Renji watched for a couple seconds, seeing Ichigo slowly start to cave in, perhaps changing his mind again. He wanted to splash his water in Grimmjow’s face, but figured he shouldn’t get Ichigo wet too, so he got up and fisted a hand in Grimmjow’s hair, violently yanking his head back.

“Try a cold shower,” he said bitterly.

Ichigo hit Grimmjow in the throat again as soon as he had fully regained control of himself. Renji put his head in his hands for awhile until Ichigo apologized for letting that happen. Renji just sighed, wishing that Grimmjow would just _leave._ He was ruining everything. Things had been going so well.

“Aw hush, just get back ta’ what you were saying about the agreement,” Grimmjow griped, as if it had been one of them holding up the conversation instead of him assaulting Ichigo… _Again._

“What _you_ were saying, you mean!” Ichigo burst out, eye twitching, sick of having his personal space invaded by that guy. He was so tired of becoming a mushy puddle every time Grimmjow touched him. It was embarrassing and just _wrong._

“Oh, yeah,” Grimmjow said back, “Yeah, one of us can leave if we lose.” Renji sighed, not quite wanting to agree to that. Not only would he lose Ichigo, he would lose his friendship, his company, and his time.

“What if I don’t want either one of you?” Ichigo asked flatly. Renji didn’t bother trying to speak anymore, because Grimmjow just kept talking over him.

“Then what, nothing’s really happened, right?” Grimmjow asked sarcastically. “You still know that both of us want you, so you’re just gonna’ ignore it or something? You have ta’ pick one of us, or this is going to stay unresolved like this, with both of us fighting over you forever.” Ichigo looked extremely disturbed by that prospect.

As hesitant as Renji was to agree with Grimmjow, he spoke up before the blue-haired menace could cut him off again. “Yeah… He’s right. I don’t wanna’ back off now, and you know he’s not going to,” he said to Ichigo, which was true enough. “I’ve meant everything I’ve said, and there’s no point in taking it back now.” Something in Grimmjow’s eyes suddenly made chills go down Renji’s spine. It was a knowing murderous gaze, and it freaked him out.

After a while, they left the restaurant, finally getting rid of Grimmjow as they walked back to the dorm, where they lazed around miserably for awhile, moping that their time together had been ruined.

“Hey,” Ichigo eventually called from the lower bunk, which he had taken to lying on lately, as if in hope that Renji would come hold him like before, without him having to ask, of course. When Renji approached and sat near him, he became hesitant to speak his mind. “You… You love me… but… you don’t want… my body. That’s what you said,” Ichigo confirmed, looking up at Renji shyly, red in the face, but not looking angry for once. Maybe that whole thing with Grimmjow earlier had got him thinking about the real difference between his two pursuers.

“You said you’re not like Grimmjow, so you don’t want me, right? You don’t think I’m… ?” Ichigo asked a little pitifully. Renji shook his head wildly, creeping towards him.

“No, that’s not it, _god,_ do I want you… I’m just saying that I… None of that matters to me, as long as I have you… I just love you so much, babe,” he whispered wispily, “I just meant that if you’re not ready, that it doesn’t matter. It won’t matter if you’re _never_ ready.”

Ichigo seemed embarrassed then, shivering a little at the close proximity, letting Renji get even closer. “How… How would you… do it to me?” he asked quietly, looking up at him. Renji stared back at him in shock, but didn’t back out, eager to answer this question right. If Ichigo was asking it so plainly like this, then it was obvious that this question was some sort of test.

“I’d… I’d lay you down,” Renji swallowed, coming closer, “and kiss you… and… hold your hands, just like this,” he demonstrated, sneaking his hands into Ichigo’s, lacing their fingers as Ichigo lay down on the mattress, letting him hold his arms down and hover over him.  
  


“And… I’d look in your eyes right when I put it in… and I’d hold you so close to me under the blankets.” Ichigo looked up at him, stiffening up when Renji’s mouth got too close. The redhead was leaning down over him, their bodies touching, but he didn’t dare lean all the way down and kiss him.

“And then I’d let you have your sweet way with me,” Renji whispered, breath puffing over Ichigo’s lips. Ichigo blinked, sitting up, pushing Renji back as he realized that he was talking about _him_ being on the bottom instead of...

“You’d… Wow, you’re really let… you’d let me… um,” Ichigo stuttered, hardly able to look at him now, obviously thinking of how that would be like to make love with him. Renji nodded solemnly.

“Yes…” he said slowly, looking back into Ichigo’s beautiful brown eyes. As hard as it would be for him to let Ichigo do that - knowing all the times he’d had that forcefully taken from him as a child - he would willingly do it. He wanted to give Ichigo the world.

“Well, obviously not _all_ the time, but, even to let me do it one time… You mean, even… even though… I know what happened when you were a ki-” Renji didn’t want to hear about that, so he cut him off.

“ _Yes_ , okay, _yes_. I trust you, okay? _Okay?!_ ” he shouted in embarrassment and shame that Ichigo was referencing to him being hurt like that as a child. “Yes, I want you to do that to me… I want it to be you, and…” his voice trailed off to a near whisper, “And I’ll never have… nightmares again or… and I’ll be… I’ll be so happy…”

“Wow,” Ichigo looked back at him. “You really do mean that, don’t you… You really… love… Wow,” he said again, stunned.

“What, Grimmjow wouldn’t be willing ta’ switch?” Renji had assumed that a manwhore like Grimmjow would’ve done everything upside down and sideways. Grimmjow couldn’t take dick? Maybe he was one of those idiots who thought it was ‘weak’ or too ‘flamboyant’ or something.

“I…” Ichigo sighed then, ruffling his own hair, “I doubt it.” Then he smiled a little, “Heh’... Ya’ wanna’ take a nap with me?”

Renji nodded, “Yes.” He was pleasantly surprised when Ichigo let him snuggle right up onto him, even allowing him to put his face right on his chest. He gave a happy sigh, feeling Ichigo’s fingers combing through his hair, sending tingles through his sensitive scalp.

“You’re such a fucking sap,” Ichigo mumbled, but Renji just smiled. Ichigo was falling for him; he liked the idea of them being together long-term. He could hear it in his voice. Grimmjow really didn’t have a chance in hell.

Little did he know that Grimmjow knew it too, and that that would be the final straw.

* * *

  _I can’t walk in opposite directions any longer._


	13. Trinity

_For you, I'll make the same mistake over and over again._

* * *

On Friday, Ikkaku came over to Yumichika's house. It was a nice apartment complex that actually looked nice enough to be compared to a semi-expensive condo. The individual apartments were open to the air, and all the buildings were right next to each other, each only two stories high.

It suddenly occurred to Ikkaku that Kaa probably paid for their living arrangements, because Renji had said that Yumichika had quit his job. Maybe one of the reasons Yumichika was afraid to go behind Kaa's back was that if they were caught, he'd be on the street with no income. Surely, Yumichika knew that his friends would take him in if he wanted to leave?

Ikkaku held his backpack tight to his chest in anticipation as he went up the cream-colored stone steps, all the way up to the second floor of one of the nice buildings. All of the doors were a beautiful brown wood, each with a screen door with a window and a storm door behind it. The golden address numbers glittered at him as he looked for room '46'. He passed some of Yumichika's neighbor's apartments, looking appreciatively at some flower boxes, bags of fertilizer, and some nice golf clubs that someone had left outside their door.

Eventually, he came to the right apartment and noticed that it was extremely clean, like someone had religiously swept the ground in front of the door. Ikkaku stood out there, leaning against the wall for a few minutes, knowing that he was early, but also tearing himself up inside from guilt.

He, Madarame Ikkaku, who held rape as a crime above any other, who beat up pedophiles and switched drinks when he saw someone slip in the date-rape drug, had grabbed Yumichika, held down his struggling arms, ignored his crying, and had made him kiss him,  _made him_. Why on earth had he done that?

He would never forgive himself for that, and he swore right there that he would keep his hands to himself this weekend. He would spoil the hell out of Yumichika and treat him nicely, shower him with affection, but would only ever ask permission before doing something like that again. He couldn't bear to have Yumichika be scared of him.

He was going to be Yumichika's protector, and he would even protect him from himself if he had to.

Satisfied that he had gained his resolve, he swiftly knocked on the door, jittering in excitement.

He could faintly hear some kind of squeal from inside, a crash, and then some footsteps running towards the door. When it opened, Ikkaku stumbled back in surprise, half-covering his eyes as if to protect Yumichika's dignity. Yumichika wasn't exactly scantily clad, but… Well, Yumichika usually covered up everything that he could, and in  _black too_ , so it was a little shocking to see him in some airy loose pajamas and a flimsy powder-blue bathrobe that looked more like a dressing-gown than anything.

"Oh my goodness, you're so early," Yumichika said breathlessly, and Ikkaku startled, wondering if maybe Kaa hadn't left yet. "Um… I… Uh…" Yumichika got a little flustered and swallowed, but didn't tell him that he needed to leave. "I'd tell you to wait here, but it is rather cold out here, isn't it." Ikkaku could immediately see goosebumps rise on Yumichika's ivory skin. Wow… Seeing all of that skin at once, even though it was just a small bit, it made Ikkaku's mouth start watering. He'd never seen this much of Yumichika's neck or his collar bones, or his pale shoulders… His skin really glowed.

Yumichika let him in and asked him if he would wait in the front room, graciously apologizing that he needed to clean a little and change clothes. "Uh, I'm sorry I came so early," Ikkaku said sheepishly, watching Yumichika pick up clothes and books from off the ground, taking some underwear off the couch. Other than that, the house was very clean and beautiful to look at, so much so that it was comparable to one that you would see in a 'home and garden' magazine.

"I guess I was excited ta' see ya'…" Ikkaku scratched the back of his neck nervously. "And I just wanted a chance to apologize fer', uh… ya' know, grabbin' you… I promise I'll never do somethin' like that again. I dunno' what came over me… I'm really sorry."

Yumichika smiled at him, accepting the apology just by finally meeting his eyes.

"Oh, I see," he looked flattered that Ikkaku had missed him so much, skimming over Ikkaku's apology, as if by forgiving him he was going to wipe the incident from the record, tossing the memory out. He went back to the topic of Ikkaku being early. "I'm… I suppose I'm still a little nervous. Kaa just left a few hours ago, and I suppose I'm paranoid that he might come back for something, you know, if he's forgotten something… But he did take a plane, so…" Ikkaku made an understanding noise, looking guilty.

Yumichika shrugged, changing the subject. "Maybe if you'd like, you could change into some pajamas too, and then we can be comfortable all day," Yumichika said, beaming, and Ikkaku immediately began stuttering when he replied. Wow, what a beautiful smile. He almost looked like he did in the old days when he had been so full of life.

"Don't worry about it so much," Ikkaku mumbled, still worried about how afraid Yumichika seemed that Kaa might catch them. "He won't come back… and, yeah, I guess that sounds fine." Yumichika nodded, pointing him to the bathroom so he could change into his pajamas, which consisted of a white t-shirt and grey sweatpants that cut off halfway down his shin. When he came back, Yumichika was kneeling on the carpet, having laid out all the components of their project. He smiled sunnily, beckoning him over.

Ikkaku felt a passing whim to cuddle right up to him, or worse,  _ravish_  the hell out of this pretty little thing. For a moment he thought his self-control was slipping, but he found that resisting the temptation was easier than he'd thought it would be. He actually liked just basking in Yumichika's presence more than anything, lust dying down the longer they talked. God, did he love him.

"You know, I really missed you, Ikkaku," Yumichika said, having a much more free and happy attitude for some reason, and Ikkaku suspected it had to do with relaxing into their aloneness, finally not having to worry about Kaa popping up. He was almost acting like he did all those years ago, when his self-image had been bullet-proof.

"The last time we had a real friendship was when we were in middle school… still children," he said wistfully, "but we thought we were grown, didn't we." Ikkaku grinned, slipping right back into their old routine of teasing each other and laughing.

After they had worked for some time, they took a break, and Yumichika let Ikkaku hold his hand for a while as they sat there on the carpet. Further on into the day, they lazed around watching a nature documentary, Yumichika eating a bowl of pretzels, sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table, while Ikkaku was behind him on the couch.

"So, I heard some rumors that you were boring or something now," Ikkaku said from where he was sitting on the couch. "Oh, wait, that sounded bad, didn't it… I mean… That's just what I heard… I don't  _think_  that."

"Oh?" Yumichika looked up from the floor, muting the television so they could talk. "I suppose I am boring now by the standards that be. I don't go to parties anymore, or travel, really, but… I read books, and… sometimes watch the news… go jogging… or I do puzzles… and I like to bake," Yumichika finished, seeming to realize how pitiful that sounded and how hard he'd had to think to come up with what he did for fun.

"Oh yeah?" Ikkaku said. "Okay, let's bake a cake, then."

Yumichika shook his head wildly, bathrobe slipping from his shoulder. The shirt he had under was thin and large enough to easily follow the bathrobe down his arm, revealing that smooth white skin, some dark blotches just visible from that angle, maybe love bites. Ikkaku blanched, swallowing hard before he got himself under control again, looking back to Yumichika's face to view his response. "Oh, no, no, I couldn't. I'm on a diet," Yumichika said. Ikkaku frowned incredulously.

"What the heck, you skinny little twig? You put yourself on a _diet?_ "

"No," Yumichika answered, fixing his shirt when he followed Ikkaku's starved gaze. "No," he repeated, flustered.

"Then what?… I don't understand," Ikkaku said in confusion.

"It's not a diet. I just don't eat junk food. Eating healthy makes my skin glow."

"You're beautiful, c'mon. You can totally afford to take a break this once, right? You should be eating junk food like crazy." Yumichika blushed, head dropping so that his hair would cover his face, but Ikkaku could see the smile. "Okay, fine, whatever, you moron. I still say you should eat whatever you want. You'd be cute even if you were pudgy." Yumichika seemed grateful for the change in subject.

"Here, let's read a magazine. Come sit in my lap, sweetheart," Ikkaku beckoned him over, pleased when Yumichika hesitantly came to sit near him, letting him put his arm around him and all his softness when he asked. They really did read the magazine for awhile, but Yumichika eventually crept closer, head resting on his shoulder. Ikkaku leaned back, stroking his hair and tightening his arm around his body, cuddling him for a while. He was so soft, but so  _thin._

"Hm… you smell good," Ikkaku said dreamily, tightening his hold on Yumichika, who froze up when their faces got too close together. Ikkaku immediately halted, but didn't back up, breath ghosting over Yumichika's mouth, which was clamped shut tighter than a bear trap. "Can I kiss you?" Ikkaku whispered, "I'd love to kiss you."

Yumichika hesitated, but leaned in slightly when it was clear that Ikkaku was making it his choice, just calmly stroking his cheeks and hair as he waited for a response. Ikkaku moved to reciprocate when it seemed like Yumichika was considering giving in, worming closer, locking Yumichika in his arms.

He tried to kiss him, but Yumichika slid a hand up and covered his mouth before he could, becoming weak and weepy, shaking his head frantically. Ikkaku just gave a patient sigh and nodded, taking Yumichika's hand away and kissing his fingers gently. Yumichika seemed to break then, giving a bitter smile and a happy sigh. Eventually, even being held was too uncomfortable, and Yumichika fled to the kitchen, using the excuse that he should make them some lunch so they could work for a longer time.

"I'm sorry… I… I just…"

"It's okay, I'm not upset," Ikkaku answered. Yumichika went still and silent, just standing there with his back to Ikkaku. Ikkaku looked at him for a moment, wondering why he'd gone rigid like that, but Yumichika went back to cooking something before he could comment on it.

"Alright," Yumichika said tentatively, as if he thought there was more or as if Ikkaku were hiding his anger. "I just don't want you to feel that I'm leading you on… You don't know how much I want to be able to return your… care… but… I don't belong to you, do I," Yumichika said quietly. "I feel… I feel that I'm being dishonest to both of you."

Ikkaku didn't respond to that, but nodded, sending Yumichika good vibes. "Ugh. I need a glass of wine," Yumichika mumbled to himself, flitting around looking for the bottle. "Would you like some?" he offered courteously.

"Uh, do you have beer? If it's not any trouble? Don't go ta' trouble," Ikkaku said, pointing at Yumichika with a stern look.

"Oh no, no trouble," Yumichika said, humming as he looked inside the fridge. "Yes, here's some." He moved back to show Ikkaku, who was still over on the couch. Ikkaku peered over his shoulder to see two cases of beer, both the same brand. Yumichika was acting like it wasn't very much, but, what the hell, it probably took up half of their little fridge.

"Oh wait." Yumichika stopped himself. "It's not mine, so maybe we'd better not… I… Maybe he might notice if one's missing," he fretted, chickening out.

"Oh come on," Ikkaku said with a scoff. "How's he gonna' notice if one's missing out of all of those?"

"He just might," Yumichika said, twiddling his fingers in a mope, so Ikkaku sighed, getting up and walking to him, pecking his hair. He said that he'd go to the liquor store across the street for a Redbull or some vodka or something, trying to put Yumichika at ease.

"Want somethin'?"

"Oh no," Yumichika refused immediately.

"Sure you do. What'll I get for ya'?" Yumichika frowned at him a little, but settled on lemonade, which he had been notorious for liking back in middle school.

When Ikkaku got back from the corner store, Yumichika was perched on the counter with a box of bandaids open, fiddling around trying to peel one open and wrap it around his finger. Many failed attempts littered the linoleum kitchen tiles beneath his hanging feet. The reason he was having trouble was evident when Ikkaku saw that he had his ancient telephone squeezed between his shoulder and cheek.

"I'm glad you're doing well, sweetheart, I miss you too," Yumichika said sweetly with a smile, gesturing for Ikkaku to stay quiet. "How was your flight?… That's good… Yes, I've been good. I'm just finishing up my schoolwork and maybe I'll go grocery shopping… What? Yes, I'll be careful," he said with a tired laugh, rolling his eyes. "Ow, dang it," he mumbled as he dropped another bandaid after accidentally sticking the ends together. "Oh, nothing. I just hurt my finger on the window yesterday," he whined miserably, trying again.

After a pause, Ikkaku sat down on the couch, listening in. "No, I just didn't say anything so that I wouldn't be a bother while you were packing… Yes, I'm okay, it's just sore… Okay… Okay, I love you. Goodbye, darling. Have a good time." Then Yumichika made a kissing sound into the phone and closed it with a sigh. He didn't miss it when Yumichika double and triple checked that he'd ended the call.

"I'm sorry, Ikkaku. I hope you realize how hard this is for me… to choose," Yumichika said with another sigh, seeming guilty. "As much as I want to be near to you again, I have… a prior commitment…" Yumichika looked up at him through his eyelashes, twiddling his thumbs nervously. "Sometimes I feel like a widower who remarried and then found out his first wife is still alive… I hope I haven't made you angry."

"Don't worry, I know you have feelings for him. I'm not… upset. I knew what I was getting into. I'm just a little envious," Ikkaku said with a grimace, peeking in the freezer for an ice pack. Yumichika watched him warily, not understanding what he was doing, still worried that Ikkaku might be upset with him. "So what's wrong with your finger? You givin' the bird too hard?"

" _No_ ," Yumichika said with a laugh, kissing his own finger, rubbing it gently.

"Hm? Whatsa' matter with it?" Ikkaku prodded again, snuggling up to him where he was seated on the counter.

"I just hurt it, leave me alone," Yumichika mumbled, turning a little to guard his hand from being seen. Ikkaku peeked over his shoulder with interest, handing him the ice pack.

"Ooh, man. Yeah, definitely use that ice. What the hell happened? I didn't see that before…"

"I hurt it on the window," Yumichika explained, pointing to the one across the living room. "I was trying to close it, and I thought that it was sticking like the other windows do, so I was really wailing on it… and then I suddenly remembered that that's the window that needs to be propped open, so I took out the little wooden ruler, and the window fell down right on my hand," Yumichika whined miserably, "and it scraped all the skin off." Ikkaku kissed it, and Yumichika swatted him, trying not to smile as he clumsily put a bandaid on it, even though it was a bruised bone and not a cut.

"Poor thing, you're always gettin' into accidents, aren't you," Ikkaku muttered, "Always slipping on the ice, aren't ya'…"

"Yes," Yumichika answered, smiling. "I'm a magnet for trouble, I suppose. That's why we met."

"Oh, you're gonna' get it, you brat," Ikkaku tickled him a little, not noticing how smoothly Yumichika had changed the subject. He grinned when Yumichika squealed and wriggled away from him, protecting his armpits and neck, which were vulnerable to the tickle-torture.

Then Yumichika held out his finger again for Ikkaku to kiss, pulling him into a nice hug, enfolding his broad shoulders with his soft arms. Ikkaku picked him right up, carrying him back to the couch, with Yumichika only half-protesting.

Ikkaku was seriously in heaven. Being with Yumichika like this made it really easy for him to imagine living with him, loving him and holding him close all the time, deriving happiness even from mundane things like this. Sure, Yumichika seemed to still have the fearful hesitance of being touched by him, but he did let him hold his hand or do little things like touch his hair or sit close to him for longer amounts of time than before. Later on, he let Ikkaku hold him under a blanket on the couch as they watched movies into the night.

They'd ordered take-out, with Ikkaku insisting that Yumichika get some meat on his bones, and they'd had a little chopstick battle for the last cookie. Yumichika had won, of course, since he could use chopsticks with both hands. Then they read a book together for twenty minutes, and Yumichika let Ikkaku brush his hair for a long while, seeming to enjoy the simple exchange.

Ikkaku would see him grow quiet sometimes, eyes distant, lost in thought, and then Yumichika would lash out at him or grow snippy, as if Ikkaku had set him off in some way. Ikkaku just bore with it, since Yumichika always grew apologetic afterwards. He knew that this must be the first time Yumichika had seriously gone against Kaa's will, so of course he would be nervous about being touched.

Kissing or other things like that seemed to remind Yumichika that he was betraying his lover, so it was a little hard for Yumichika to let Ikkaku touch him for very long, but that was okay. Ikkaku just liked being here in his serene presence, and when Yumichika grew dark and gloomy, he was the one to blow the clouds away and tease him into smiling. The pretty little devil.

It seemed that Yumichika was no longer frightened of him or distrusting, which Ikkaku was thankful for, because he did truly feel bad for what he had done earlier in the week, and had made an effort to remedy it by letting go or ceasing immediately whenever Yumichika stiffened up or visibly grew uncomfortable with his touch or proximity. As much as Ikkaku wanted to kiss Yumichika all over and hold him until the cows came home, he knew that this was how things needed to be, with an area of space between them until Yumichika trusted him again.

To Ikkaku's surprise, Yumichika was okay with them sleeping next to each other, but seemed uncomfortable with them sleeping in the  _bed_ together, because of course, that was his and his boyfriend's bed. To remedy this, they took some blankets from the closet into the living room and slept next to each other on the floor, snuggling shamelessly like they were still those starry-eyed love-sick children from so long ago, back when things had always been sweet and simple. Perhaps they were moving things too quickly, but they had known each other for a long time after all, and they were rather lonely and desperate for attention.

It was the start of something beautiful, but the thing about beauty is that it's ethereal.

* * *

Grimmjow sat there in disbelief, mirror in his hands. The pounding of his heart was the only thing telling him that he was still alive. Something was getting under his skin, crawling deep inside his bones. He was losing, losing control, losing their  _game_. Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez was  _losing._ It was a complete paradox.

Well, so what? He didn't care. He didn't care about Ichigo; he just wanted to fuck him, right? He just wanted to hit him until he felt better, right? There had never been anything between them but anger, steam, and pent-up frustration. He didn't care if Ichigo picked that stupid idiot instead of him. He didn't care, because it wasn't like he was in love with him or something. He'd been  _lying_  when he'd told Ichigo that he felt like that. He didn't get heartsick; he was  _tough._ It was just attraction, not affection. That's  _all_  it was. He kept telling himself that over and over.

So why did it bother him so much?

As he looked back at his own reflection, he found that he was feeling pain, deep aching pain that was digging all the way to the core of his heart, and he could hardly bear it. The loss was something he couldn't take, as was the blow to his pride, but most of all, it was knowing that Ichigo was out there with someone else, still happy while he was so miserable.  _That_  was what bugged him. He felt sad and defeated, pathetic, like he'd already lost, and as was customary when he was sad, he quickly changed it to something he could deal with better.

Anger. Burning, bitter, vengeful, chaotic  _rage._

Suddenly, some impulsive dark part of him wanted to shatter their happiness, to ruin everything that those two would have that  _he_  should be having. It was childish, selfish, and brought on by bitterness and jealousy, but he didn't care. He was so angry that he didn't care at all, he didn't care if he spent the rest of his life in jail. All he could do was channel this heartbreak into blinding rage, so that he wouldn't have to look inside himself and see that he was broken. If he was angry, he couldn't be sad, he couldn't be alone or lost. If he was angry, he was strong.

Even though he knew that this anger would probably pass if he gave it time and that he would move on eventually, he didn't  _want_  to; all that mattered was that he act on this murderous feeling, that he destroy everything that was no longer his.

Grimmjow looked back at himself in the mirror, swallowed, and then left the room.

* * *

Ichigo sneezed into his elbow, before smiling, watching Renji shovel food into his mouth. The idiot looked so stupid using potato chips to eat macaroni like it was salsa, but Ichigo supposed it was cute. It was one of those things that only Renji did, and it was sort of endearing, just like his dorky headbands and the hair he left all over the bathroom.

It was becoming easier and easier to think of them together, and all those things he'd imagined doing together with Grimmjow were fading away. There were only a few things holding him back now, and his denial was wavering under the fact that  _Renji_  had sacrificed his pride completely to be honest and loving towards him. He had been so cold to the poor guy, so horribly mean out of defensiveness, and he hadn't been fair. After all, Renji had put himself on the line just to tell him how he felt. Ichigo felt that the least he could do would be to reciprocate.

It was seeming easier and easier the more he thought about it, so much so that he was actually thinking about doing so. It wasn't such a scary thing anymore. His heart was warm and light, and he could almost put his pride aside completely now and just let Renji and all his saccharine sweetness in. The dork.

"Mm, vif' iv' good," Renji mumbled in appreciation, taking another bite as if he couldn't eat fast enough. Ichigo berated him for his bad manners, but was secretly glad that Renji seemed to like it as much as he liked Yuzu's taiyaki.

"How do you fink' va' date went yefterday'?" Renji asked, clearing his mouth, shaking his head a little so that his bottlebrush of a ponytail fluttered behind him. Ichigo felt overcome for a moment with a surge of affection for the stupid red-pineapple, his dumb t-shirt, and his dumb hair, which made him so easy to find in a crowd; well, that and his noisiness.

"Hm?" Renji mumbled when Ichigo grew distracted. He blinked, coming back to reality, apologizing for having drifted off. "I mean, before bitchface showed up. I thought you looked like you were having a good time… Right?"

"Yeah, I was. It's not so hard now… to think of us being that way…" Ichigo's face reddened, but he didn't scowl this time. He merely frowned, dropping his head a little and compulsively scratching at the back of his neck even though he didn't have an itch.

"I can't believe he showed up and did that."

Ichigo frowned a little. "What's your problem with him anyways? I mean, I get it that you guys were coming to blows and stuff, fighting over me or some stupid caveman ridiculousness, but what about before? You've always been like this, even before you guys started fighting all the time."

"I hate that asshole," Renji said plainly, taking another bite, nearly giving himself a chelsea grin by trying to fit in a huge chip in one go.

"Oh," Ichigo answered with an eyeroll, knowing that he probably wouldn't get anything sensible out of him. He knew now anyways, that Renji's hatred of Grimmjow had probably been jealousy from the very beginning, and jealousy at its core was an irrational emotion.

"You don't wanna' know what I wanna' do to him."

"What?" Ichigo asked flatly, as this was  _not_  clarification that he particularly wanted to hear.

"Remember when I was young and crazy and I entered that demolition derby?"

"You mean-" Ichigo hadn't thought about that in a long while, but the memory was still clear. Renji had invited him to the event, but had appeared to show up late, forcing Ichigo to wander around a carnival until the derby. It was at that point he realized that he should have found a seat in the stands hours before, and had ended up watching from underneath through a wire fence, next to a bunch of kids. He had long given up trying to get a hold of Renji on the phone, and it wasn't until the end of the contest that he realized that Renji had been  _in_  the derby, and he'd won by literally crushing the competition. His car had ended up destroyed and on fire, but he had won, and had grinned for the rest of the night, no matter how pissed Ichigo had been.

"Yeah, I remember. So, what does that have to do with Grimmjow?" Renji gave him a significant look. Remembering what Renji had said about wanting to do something to him, suddenly it made sense. "Oh."

"Tch', yeah," Renji rolled his eyes as Ichigo laughed at his idiocy.

"I still can't believe you did that."

Renji just grinned, and Ichigo knew it was because as much as he'd berated Renji over the reckless danger of the dumb contests, he'd still come to every single one that Renji had been in. They were fun, and the two of them had been younger and crazier after all, even if it was only two or three years ago.

"Part of me just wishes," Ichigo said, a little upset, changing the topic back to the more serious one, "that he'd think before he speaks… I know that he doesn't mean badly  _all_  the time, he just… sometimes I think he doesn't see anyone's feelings but his own… I'm kinda' disappointed. I thought he could change, but… it's just not happening quick enough for me," Ichigo sighed, giving up. Renji didn't say anything.

"Hey."

Renji still didn't say anything, dark and brooding as he stabbed his macaroni viciously without eating it, turning it into a cheesy mess.

" _Hey."_ Ichigo shoved him a little when he didn't respond. Ichigo scowled, hating being purposefully ignored, even if it was embarrassing to have Renji looking at him when he was saying such serious things. He didn't want to lose his momentum and chicken out, however, so he wanted Renji to fucking  _listen._

"What?" Renji answered flatly, eyes wounded and bitter. Ichigo looked back at him with a guilty expression.

"I… I kinda' did the same thing to you, didn't I?… I lashed out at you and… I  _hurt_  you… just because, I was on the defense… I would let Grimmjow have his way, but I'd call  _you_  the pervert just because the love was more dangerous than…"

Renji just looked back at him, fork in his mouth.

Ichigo just continued on in his guilty rant, "And I was confused, and I couldn't decide what I wanted, so I just flitted around between you two, and only took out my anger on you, and not Grimmjow… I shouldn't have said those hurtful things, when you were just telling me that you loved me. I was upset, thinking that you'd see me as weak if I gave in, so… I countered that the wrong way."

Renji looked back at him, eyes searching for honesty in his own, listening quietly as Ichigo kept baring his feelings without any walls for once.

"It wasn't fair to you at all for me to be so angry… I kinda' acted like one of those frat-house jerks who thinks that being gay is the opposite of being a 'man's man'… I know you're my best friend, and I shoulda' trusted you more… Sorry for bein' a wet blanket," Ichigo mumbled, trying to bring some levity back into the conversation.

Renji just threw a napkin at him. "Mop up, then." Ichigo jokingly wiped his arm with it, half-smiling back at Renji, still a little guilty, even though he knew that was Renji's unspoken way of saying 'I forgive you, asshole'.

Ichigo continued on rambling miserably to himself. "If I think about it… Well, Grimmjow and me… There wouldn't be anything keeping the fire going except our fighting and hate sex… Once the passion died away, we'd just go back to having problems and arguing, right?… If the fire ever died down for us, we'd still have our friendship there, and we'd be able to keep getting along through the rough times…  _Our_  arguing's just different somehow… Maybe… friendlier or something…" Renji nodded, smiling a little.

"Well, good. I'm glad to see you've stopped being a flimsy meanie-head." Ichigo blew a raspberry at him, not able to keep a scowl on his face, even for that. "Oh, thanks for makin' this, babe. It's really good," Renji said, giving an appreciative eye-roll as he ate some more, "Mmm, wea'wee good."

"Oh shut up, you'll eat anything," Ichigo said, the smile on his face keeping Renji from taking him seriously.

"Pshh. Doesn't mean I _like_  just anything," Renji mumbled, reaching over and shoving Ichigo some to get him to eat too, complaining about how skinny he'd gotten. Ichigo, for once, let Renji boss him around instead of the reverse, and ate in silence with a dumb grin on his face. He didn't take shit from anyone, but Renji somehow was different. Renji could get away with the sappy names, the hair-pulling, and the whining over having to do their laundry.

Ichigo's jaw went slack with the sudden realization of what Renji meant when he said that he was 'special'… Maybe he'd finally realized that Renji was special to him too. There was a special place, a loophole, an exception that allowed Renji to be above the rest, golden instead of brass.

And for once, Ichigo found that he didn't feel like denying it or hiding it. He just let Renji nag him about his skinny arms, smiling right back in the red-head's face. He liked this feeling very much, and it was so much easier to like it now that he'd stopped being irrationally angry. Maybe he'd let his temper get the best of him before.

His walls hadn't been protecting him, keeping everyone else out, had they? Maybe along with keeping them out, they'd been keeping him inside.

Later, they worked on some homework and watched Animal Planet on TV for awhile. Renji was watching from the bottom bunk of the bed, already burrowed under the covers, and Ichigo was still at the table, working on the last little bit of his worksheets.

"Hey, uh…" Ichigo asked in slight humiliation when he finished up, trying out his new policy of not holding back with what he wanted. Part of him wanted to start all over and give Renji a chance for real. Maybe if he tried to return some of what Renji was offering, it would feel right, maybe it would feel  _good._

"Can… Can I come over there by you?... It's easier to see the TV from there," he made up an excuse, unable to stop himself, but Renji didn't call him out on it or tease him.

Renji just held up the blankets by way of invitation, happy that Ichigo was starting to reciprocate contact between them instead of just begrudgingly allowing it.

Ichigo came over there and snuggled in next to Renji, looking over at the TV screen as he yawned. "Jeesh, you're like a space heater," he mumbled to the warm man holding him, trying to not make a big deal out of this. Renji kissed his ear and muttered something back. Ichigo flinched at the contact, but relaxed himself just as quickly, finding that he was smiling and that the spot Renji had kissed was tingling.

"I think…" Ichigo whispered as he closed his eyes, part of him wanting so badly to live up to who Renji obviously saw. Lately, Renji had looked at him like he was made of gold, and perhaps Ichigo had felt intimidated before, not knowing if he could ever be who Renji was envisioning, who Renji loved so much, but damnit, Ichigo ate challenges for breakfast.

"I think I could fall in love with you… really soon. This isn't so bad… this really isn't as bad as I thought it would be… It's nice," he sighed, letting Renji hold him. The larger man had gone very still, as if he hardly dared believe what he was hearing.

"I kinda' like the idea of you liking me so much," Ichigo breathed, wrapping his hand around Renji's. "I mean… we've known each other for so long… and Grimmjow would probably just keep me angry and stressed out all the time… maybe even leave me right after he gets what he wanted… What kind of life would that be?" he said, rambling nervously.

Renji's fingers twitched between his, going still and stiff in his grasp. Ichigo plowed on, glad that he wasn't facing Renji so that he had an excuse to not look him in the eye. He didn't have to look at Renji's facial expression while he said this, which made him feel a little braver.

"I mean… if you're going to be with someone, you have to be able to talk to them and live with them, even when times are hard… I kinda' like how… how you look at me like I'm something special," Ichigo breathed out, cheeks dusting pink, his nerves finally getting to him. He was suddenly coming to realize how brave it had been of Renji to confess how he felt to him; this was really difficult, putting himself out on a limb here.

Renji was frozen against him, frame completely rigid. "I like how we yell at each other and… for you to still love listening to me talk, when half the time I'm shouting at you… and… for you to be able to hold my hand after I just punched you with it… I just…" Ichigo sighed, "I just… I can see how much you care about me and… I like it."

"You're… You're not joking, right?" Renji asked in breathless hope. "You're not punking me, are you?"

"No."

"I thought you wanted Grimmjow… You liked him better, right? I see how you look when he swears at you… You look like you wanna' throw your underwear across the room."

"Ugh," Ichigo mumbled, face going pink because he knew Renji was probably right. "You're fucking ruining the moment."

"You're  _lying_ ," Renji said in a whisper-shriek, in disbelief. "You even let him kiss you earlier. You're lying your ass off."

"No, I'm not," Ichigo said. Renji went quiet again, hardly daring to move for a full three minutes.

Ichigo broke the silence again tentatively, "I couldn't decide for a while, but… I'm  _tired_ … I'm so tired of being frustrated, and exhausted, and…  _fighting_  with him. I hate feeling so confused… and misled. It's just not the same anymore… I want someone who can really say what they mean…"

Renji stared at him, eyes round. "I think I could fall in love with you… I want this," he whispered bravely, turning around in Renji's arms to face him, sharing the pillow with him. Renji just looked back at him with wide eyes that were flickering with joy. Renji began to smile excitedly, hugging Ichigo tightly.

"I… heh'," Ichigo laughed, squeezing him back, letting Renji kiss his cheek tightly with a sappy sound effect. "I like how that sounds. I love you, Renji," he whispered again, trying out the words. They were very warm in his mouth, warm in his  _heart_.

"I… I love you too... you fucker," Renji said, biting his lips and squinting up his eyes, breathing irregular.

"If you cry, I'm gonna' punt you right out of bed," Ichigo threatened, scowling. "I mean it, I'll hit you if one fucking tear comes out!" Renji just laughed, hugging him tighter, eyes brimming with relieved moisture.

" _That's_  what I love," Renji whispered, kissing him on his forehead. "I couldn't have been able to stand being apart from you, you fucking jackass. I love you."

"I... love you too... you dorky asshole." Renji smiled, bringing Ichigo closer to him, settling his head down on his chest. Ichigo was slightly taken aback. Part of the reason he'd been so hesitant to give up the illusion of control to either of his date options, was that he'd thought that they were envisioning him as a submissive little 'wife', but here Renji was, snuggling up with his head on his chest instead of the other way around, even though Renji was bigger than him. Ichigo felt it then… Renji really and truly considered them equals in every way.

Ichigo's heart thumped wildly as he held the man's head tight to his chest, taking the tie out of his hair and rubbing his scalp a little. He smelled so nice, and he was so warm, such a nice comforting weight against his body as they settled down to sleep.

Renji gave a happy sigh, settling in further under the warm blankets, loving the fingers combing through his loose hair as he fell asleep. Ichigo's heart was pounding fast, bumping against Renji's ear no doubt.

This was perfect. It had been so long since Renji had last had a good dream. Usually there were nightmares, or just nights where he dreamed nothing, but now he was in a crystal palace, warm as could be even in the roughest of snowstorms. Ichigo was there, smiling bright enough to melt the winter away and bring back spring… and he was surrounded by Yuzu's taiyaki, which Renji could gorge himself on here and never get full. Yep, definitely a good dream.

Ichigo stroked Renji's face and hair; he looked so stupid with his hair so fucked up and with his mouth open. He smiled when Renji woke up a little and searched for him under the covers, moaning sleepily. Ichigo sighed when Renji fell back asleep, adjusting his head on his chest.

Yes, this was okay. This was perfect. Everything was as it should be, even though he hadn't expected it. Renji still saw him as his best friend, his everything, his equal, his  _partner_. To give in to this feeling wouldn't make him a 'twink', or prissy, or weaker in some way. It made him stronger to say 'I trust you', to say 'I love you.' It made him stronger, because now there was the two of them, instead of just him all alone.

Ichigo smiled, closed his eyes, and fell asleep too, feeling warm at night for the first time that winter.

* * *

_I wish for this night-time  
To last for a life time_


	14. Beauteous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING - CONTAINS EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT AND IMAGES

_I want a violating act of sin,  
_ _You can penetrate, let's begin_

* * *

"Hey, ya' know it's my birthday tomorrow," Ikkaku said, eating cereal across from Yumichika at the table, who was eating a bagel and reading the newspaper with some cute green reading glasses on.

"Oh?" Yumichika looked up. "You should come over for a little while then… Well… maybe… I'm not sure. Kaa comes back on Monday, but I'd still like to have you out by tomorrow, just to be on the safe side," Yumichika said with an indecipherable expression. Ikkaku nodded, saying that was okay.

"Here, I'll get you something," Yumichika said, getting up and rummaging around in the fridge, still looking so cute with messy sleep hair and loose soft clothes on, still covering nearly all of his skin, except a bit near his neck. Yumichika came back with a sliced peach and a squashed cupcake, a candle on top. "I'll sing to you," he said, searching for a match. Ikkaku just grinned, putting a hand on his chin and leaning on it, eyeing his pretty sweetheart blissfully.

He'd been waiting his whole life to live like this, and who cared if his lifestyle was unstable and violent; he could change all that at a moment's notice, if only Yumichika would ask. He didn't even care if this stuff was supposed to be boring or mundane or unexciting, or if he was just leeching off moments Yumichika should be having with his real boyfriend - he  _loved_  it. He supposed he had always had a soft heart, that the strongest of walls couldn't protect.

"I'll sing to you a day early," he mumbled, repeating himself as he fumbled around with the matchbox. Yumichika carefully leaned over the table, striking the match in one go, holding out an arm and lighting the candle. Then Yumichika came up behind him, snaking his hands over his shoulders and over his eyes, leaning onto him as he sang quietly.

"Happy birthday, happy birthday, we love you…" he sang with a whispery tone into Ikkaku's ear, rubbing his cheek up against Ikkaku's with a smile, "Happy birthday, and may all your dreams come true."

Ikkaku leaned his head back onto Yumichika's shoulder with a smile, kissing the side of his face with a grin. "When you blow out the candle, one light stays aglow," Yumichika sang with a smile, eyes closing, "It's the lovelight in your eyes, wherever… you… go," he ended with a whisper, seeming to shake himself as he gestured for Ikkaku to blow out the candle.

"Mm, thanks sugar," he said happily. Yumichika stopped him before he could eat it, and got some chocolate sauce from the fridge. Ikkaku looked at the bottle, which had its label peeled off, something else written on it in its place, but it was blocked by Yumichika's hand. He shrugged, starting to eat the cold cupcake with a grin, "You sing real nice."

"Thank you. Don't talk with your mouth full," Yumichika said, rolling his eyes as he sat back down, taking another bite of his bagel. He pilfered the peach slice, put some chocolate on it, and ate that too.

"Aren't you gonna' spank me?" Yumichika choked, coughing violently enough that he got up to get a drink out of the kitchen sink.

"What? What did you just say to me?" he asked in a threatening tone that told Ikkaku that he had heard perfectly fine, but was giving him a chance to change what he had said.

"It's for good luck," Ikkaku grinned, "So that I live to another birthday." Yumichika gave him a sly look, trying not to smile.

"I must look really gullible," he answered, a bit of that old wit and snarkiness returning.

After that, they lazed around for a few hours, playing board games and cuddling while watching television, wandering around the house while telling each other jokes and arguing like the old days.

At about four o'clock, Yumichika sat on the floor, cutting tags out of some clothes he'd bought from a thrift store, all soft, overlarge clothes with plain colors, but with a bit more flair than the ones he'd been wearing lately. Ikkaku lay there on his back next to him, listening to some music while he rubbed Yumichika's cute little feet.

The day went by much too quickly for Ikkaku's liking, and he felt that his time with Yumichika was slipping away. The time of opportunity is always golden, after all, but Ikkaku just enjoyed what he got and didn't ask for more. Eventually they made it into Yumichika's bedroom, laying on their backs looking up at the ceiling, taking a little rest.

"Didja' ever have dreams when you were a kid?" Ikkaku mumbled, gently stroking Yumichika's hair. Yumichika didn't answer for almost a full minute; Ikkaku had begun to think that he wouldn't answer at all.

"Yes. When I was young… I used to think I was so beautiful. I would call everything I didn't like 'ugly', and I hurt people's feelings without thinking or even  _caring_. I was happy with myself and… and I could've gotten anyone I wanted… I could act as well as the elites, pour my soul out on stage, and I could make the audiences love me and cry their eyes out… But… that dream is so far out of reach now. I don't feel what I felt then. I'm not kind or sweet… I was a bad person… selfish... and I was never pretty," he whispered shamefully with a breathy sigh.

Ikkaku listened silently. "I was so young, but I was already on my way to fame… so much opportunity ahead of me... And then I met Kaa and I gave up all my dreams to be with him," Yumichika whispered.

"What do you love so much about him, anyway?"

"I love the person he is… he's wonderful. Makes me feel like a princess, bla, bla, bla... He's smart, and funny, and handsome, and he tells  _wonderful_  stories... I love the look in his eyes when he plays with children, when he reads to me… He's one of a kind. Everybody loves him. Even you like him, don't you?" Ikkaku nodded. "I gave up everything to make him happy… But when I look at you… I dream… again..."

"I'm your dream?" Ikkaku asked sheepishly. Yumichika nodded a little, snuggling closer.

"My first and oldest dream. I can see… I can see us together like we were then… And we'd be happy… Well, I would be, at least," Yumichika sighed with closed eyes, half laying on Ikkaku. "It's just so hard to choose, knowing that I could lose so much with either decision."

Ikkaku adjusted himself a little, leg coming up between Yumichika's thighs, rubbing him as he sat up. "Aah," Yumichika hissed, jolting a little, moving back. Ikkaku blinked. Did Yumichika just…

"You're…" Ikkaku was breathless, immediately getting hard as he stared back into Yumichika's horrified eyes. Ikkaku could feel it against his leg as Yumichika's hips slid over his thigh again on accident; it was a growing heat.

Yumichika made an involuntary little noise, clapping a hand over his mouth as his face turned red. "I… Ah… That was an accident _,_ " he said in embarrassment. Ikkaku stared at him, eyes getting big and round. Yumichika was...

Ikkaku tried to nab him, but Yumichika scrambled back. Ikkaku grabbed his arm, and Yumichika begged him to just let him go to the bathroom to die of embarrassment and get rid of the problem. Ikkaku didn't let him go.

"You're…" Suddenly, Ikkaku felt impulsive again and just blurted his feelings out without forethought. "Would you ever…" Ikkaku whispered, "Let me… let me make love ta' you?"

Yumichika froze, and Ikkaku could feel the way he went dead silent, not even breathing as he stared wide-eyed back at him. "I know it's too soon, but I've loved you for so long, I've waited so long. Would you ever let me? Someday? It'll be okay… I'll be gentle, I'll be  _so_  gentle," he breathed, trying to bring Yumichika closer to him, trying to relax all that stiffness.

"What did you say?" Yumichika replied jerkily, sounding tearful.

"I said I wanna' make love to you, I  _love_  you," Ikkaku said, rolling them over so that Yumichika was under him. Yumichika immediately gave a little breathy sob when he grabbed his arms and pinned them down, struggling against him. Ikkaku let him go, feeling sick that he might be doing the same thing again.

He let Yumichika go, but stayed on top of him, hoping against hope that Yumichika wouldn't throw him out or really start to cry hard. He couldn't take those tears if he was the cause of it.

"I love you," he said again, punctuating it with kisses, "I love you, you're an angel. I love you, Yumichika. Don't ever say you're not pretty, you're so beautiful… Please… Please let me touch you." Yumichika hiccuped, nodding.

He slid his hands down to Yumichika's crotch, rubbing him awkwardly through the fabric, feeling him like a child touching a forbidden glass item for the first time. Yumichika whimpered, breaking down into shuddery weeping gasps, struggling weakly, making Ikkaku feel so bad, even though he wasn't holding him down. "He won't know, baby, he won't know. Let me make love to you, please, I've wanted this for so long," Ikkaku whispered, coming in to kiss him, giving Yumichika a chance to push him away.

"Okay," Yumichika whispered, sounding terrified. Yumichika's resistance stopped as Ikkaku kissed him clumsily, rubbing his body gently as he moved to his neck, kissing down the side of it. There were more hickeys here now, Ikkaku could see, and there was even a ring of scabs where teeth had obviously punctured skin.

"What's this?" Ikkaku asked in concern, half-sitting up in alarm. "… He… He  _bit_  you that hard? Are you guys into SM or something?" Yumichika began to struggle again, half-rolling over, trying to claw his way out from under him, to get away to keep his shame from being shown. "Stop, let me see!" Ikkaku grabbed him by the arm.

Yumichika began to cry louder in panic as Ikkaku held him down, peeling his t-shirt away. Ikkaku's heart was pounding in horror, surely this couldn't be what he thought. Yumichika couldn't be hurt, he just couldn't… Ikkaku gasped when he saw more skin at once than he'd ever seen on Yumichika before. This… This was… "Oh my…  _god_ , what  _happened_ to you?"

His horrified reaction seemed to upset Yumichika, perhaps thinking that Ikkaku was repulsed. "Nothing, I'm fine!" Yumichika said, closing his eyes in shame, neck being borne as he held his head back, unable to meet Ikkaku's gaze from pure embarrassment. He seemed ashamed of showing any skin, and it broke Ikkaku's heart, because he could feel how ugly he thought himself to be. "Don't…  _don't look at me!"_

"What," Ikkaku was crestfallen, ghosting over the scars, deep scars that were still pink, some fresher than others. There were healing bruises too, all over, leaving evidence of some bleeding under the skin. There were scabs and burns and scratches everywhere. The only places that were unscathed were his face, his hands and wrists, and his neck, which was littered with hickeys. "What happened… What did this? Were you in an accident?"

"Please," Yumichika begged, tears beginning to wet his face, "Please don't look at me, I can't stand it." Ikkaku could hear how ugly he felt in his voice, and he absolutely  _hated_  it. Most of it was healing, so it had happened a while ago, but still… This… This was  _damage_ , and it couldn't have simply been a few slip-and-falls on the ice.

Ikkaku let Yumichika sit up, and immediately Yumichika tried to cover himself with his arms, pulling his knees up to his chest to hide himself. "Were you in an accident?"

"I was bad," Yumichika whispered into his legs. "I… I met an ex-lover recently, and he…"

"What?... You were- … No… Your ex-boyfriend did this?" Yumichika swallowed, not meeting his gaze as he shook his head 'no'.

"He had to," Yumichika sniffled, wiping his eyes, "If I had listened to him, he wouldn't have to do this."

Ikkaku stared wide-eyed, devastated as he moved his hands over the wounds, over the horrible carnage. Suddenly, rage boiled up within him, quick and hot and uncontrollable, and he got up and tried so hard not to punch straight through the wall.

He knew fully well what Yumichika was talking about, what he had been hiding, and suddenly he realized why Renji hated Kaa so much. Renji had had a feeling that something like this was going on, and he'd been right.

"No… Kaa did this, didn't he," he said without a question in his voice. Part of him still didn't believe that Kaa, - that good-natured golden-boy - could've done this, but who else could it have been? If it had been someone else, Kaa surely would know, and would hurt them so badly for daring to harm his precious 'Princess'. Kaa had to have done it himself.

Yumichika immediately made excuses to justify his behavior, putting himself to blame, but Ikkaku just put his hands up to his face, the room spinning. He was seeing red he was so angry, and Yumichika just laid there pitifully, wet in the eyes, so broken.

It all made such horrible sense, why Yumichika had been so afraid to be with him, to talk to anyone, to give out his phone number. Kaa had probably disabled it to keep him from being in contact with anyone. He'd made Yumichika change and cut himself off from his friends, from the world. He regulated everything he did, where he went when he was alone, what kind of media he saw, what he did in his spare time. He had him eating less to keep him too weak and helpless to defend himself.

He had made Yumichika do all this, tricking him into thinking that it was Yumichika's own decision to do so. He  _beat_  Yumichika mercilessly when he stepped out of line, and made him believe that he was no longer beautiful, that he was some kind of sick slave whose only purpose in life was to devote everything to him.

"He had to," Yumichika said again in his defense. Ikkaku cut him off there, eerily calm, keeping his rage under in a split-second.

"No, I don't wanna' hear that. Don't tell me any excuse, because there aren't any in the entire universe, not for this-" Ikkaku didn't want to hear Yumichika's broken logic, the kind that abuse victims have about their attacker. He didn't want to hear Yumichika so low, so destroyed. "I don't wanna' hear what you did. Tell me what  _he_ did. Show me." Yumichika looked at him, before slowly uncurling, letting Ikkaku come back closer to him on the bed.

He lay back, letting Ikkaku touch him as he showed him what happened. There were burns on the insides of his wrists where Kaa had held his forearm over the stove. There was a mark on his back that had once been a huge welt where he'd hit him with an ashtray. There was a black mark under his skin and a healing scar where he'd stabbed Yumichika with a ballpoint pen. The bruises on his legs were from his boots. The cuts on his shoulders and neck were from where he'd broken a plate over him. Some scars that had once been deep slits were under his arm from when Kaa had broken a beer bottle for the purpose of brutalizing him with it as punishment. Fading bruises all over his gut were from Kaa's fists, and the stripes on his back were from his belt.

The bruise on his face was somehow more personal, more serious, and it had been from a time when Kaa had caught them talking.

Yumichika still tried to justify the abuse, explaining that Kaa never beat him for no reason, and not when he was drunk. Kaa was like a parent punishing their child, explaining their wrongdoing and why they had to spank them; he wasn't some violent wife beater who insulted their lover and burned them with cigarettes, treated them like an animal. Kaa was  _wonderful,_  loving, and caring nearly all the time, and he only had to hurt him when he was wrong, only when he was bad, which was hardly ever.

Ikkaku was nearly in tears, but held them in for Yumichika's sake to keep from frightening him. One of them had to be strong, and he knew it needed to be him; how else would Yumichika come to depend on him?

He held Yumichika to his chest and started rocking him as he spoke in a shuddery cracked tone. "No…  _no_ , you don't deserve this, don't you see? Don't you see, it doesn't  _matter_ if he's good to you ninety percent of the time if he does this the other ten. It doesn't matter if it's not out of anger, or if he's in control of himself when he does it. He's not your boss, he doesn't  _own_  you. _He has no right,"_ Ikkaku choked out.

"People like this compensate for how horrible they are inside by being so charming the rest of the time. That person you're in love with… That's not the real him. The real him is the one who hurts you." He held him closer in his lap, squeezing him tight and secure, hardly able to keep control of his emotions. Oh, but he had to, he had to stay strong, he had to be firm and make sure Yumichika understood him. He couldn't fall apart, no matter how much those injuries broke him inside.

"This isn't love, Yumichika... No, no, my sweet baby… Oh, my poor baby," he said, trying so hard not to weep as he held the broken body to his own, kissing him all over his face. "I'm so sorry this happened to you, I'm so sorry."

Yumichika had been beaten so badly, and for years too, left alone to deal with this all by himself. His friends had given up and abandoned him when he'd needed them to help him see that this was unhealthy. Yumichika had been deeply wounded, and obviously Kaa's mental games, the way he could make it seem like he knew what he was talking about, it had made Yumichika forget his own unbreakable image of himself, it had made him think that Kaa's ways made sense, that they were okay.

Ikkaku had failed him.

"I'm gonna' help you leave him, okay? I'm gonna' protect you and take care of you, I'm not gonna' let him hurt you any more, never again, okay?" Yumichika didn't seem to believe him, or perhaps didn't even  _want_  to leave Kaa.

"I can't just leave. I have no job, no money that's available… no family that would take me in, and my friends have forgotten me. My phone plan is shared with him, my savings are jointed with his, I can't afford to move my storage, and I don't want to go to the police. I don't want him in trouble, I just… I don't want to leave him," Yumichika said miserably, with the tone of a child who knew they had to do something, but was complaining anyways. "I love him," he said quietly.

"If you love him, then you have to get away from him. Something's wrong in his head, don't you want him to get better?"

"Of course I do,"

"If you stay and let things continue on as they have, what motivation will he have to make a change?"

Yumichika stayed silent.

"How is he going to change if he kills you one of these times? Yumichika, this is  _dangerous._ If he loved you, he wouldn't hurt you like this, he wouldn't so much as  _pinch_  you. _"_

Yumichika didn't say anything, tears coming from his eyes. "Please… Please let me help you," Ikkaku begged. "I can't bear ta' see you like this... It's not right."

"Okay… As long as he doesn't get in trouble."

"Alright, we'll think of something later, but not now…" Ikkaku said, taking a shuddery breath, seeing that Yumichika was exhausted by this conversation, even though it had only gone on for a little while. "I… You're not mad, right?... I'm not doing this to be mean; I'm doing this because I love you," he said lowly, realizing that Kaa probably said the same things.

"I'm doing this because I want to keep you safe. I  _love_  you, and not like he does.  _Real_  love. I'm so sorry this happened. I'm so sorry, sweetheart." He rocked Yumichika a little, blinking back tears of his own. "I'm gonna' keep you safe, darlin'. I'll never let you get hurt, never, I'm not gonna' let anyone hurt you," he repeated, promising it to Yumichika, to himself, to high heaven.

"I'll strangle anyone who even gives you a hangnail, I promise. No one's gonna' hurt you, not even me. I'll always, always,  _always_  keep you safe... I _love_ you."

Yumichika lay there, eyes wet and distant. "You love me," he repeated, hardly moving. Ikkaku nodded, kissing his eyes to get rid of the tears. "With real love… Really?"

"Yes, I love you," he said simply. "Very, very much. You're so special to me."

"I… wow, even after all these years, and with me belonging to someone else… you still hold your resolve… beautiful," Yumichika whispered, a sad little smile quirking his lip, "I… I haven't felt like this in so long... please… Please, make love to me… Ikkaku," he whispered softly, eyes fluttering closed. "I don't… I know I'm no longer beautiful like I was then, but… I want to feel it… Please."

Ikkaku growled to himself, erection coming back in a split second. He got on top of Yumichika and kissed his mouth, pleased when Yumichika's arms came up around him, allowing him and accepting the touch for the first time. He was responding instead of just tolerating his kiss now as Ikkaku whispered onto his mouth that he was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen. Suddenly, guilt gripped him by the shoulders and shook him violently, telling him  _no_ , forcing him to pull away.

"Wait… wait, wait," Ikkaku pulled back to Yumichika's dismay. "Don't just… Just because you want to feel… cared about… Don't just…" Ikkaku sighed, pulling back further. "I feel like I'm taking advantage… like… just because I'm here, you..."

"No," Yumichika whispered, eyes sparkling like diamonds, just waiting to fall. "I feel that way for you too, you idiot. I always have, couldn't you tell? When I called you a dirty ugly moron, couldn't you tell that I wanted you to take me to a castle somewhere and write a dumb story about us?..."

As much as Ikkaku wanted to hear the words plain and simple, he didn't push Yumichika to say them, knowing that it was a lot to ask of him now.

"I just want to kiss you... just this once... and not feel guilt... Don't let me feel regret," Yumichika half-laughed, head rolling back, eyes closing. Ikkaku kissed his bared neck, humming a little. "My dream… is so close, finally... I can be selfish, just for this one moment."

Ikkaku looked down on him and his ethereal glow, he who could make the sheets silver, he who could make him question reality,  _He_ ,  _Yumichika_ , who was an angel sent to save him, and watch over him, and keep him from doing dumb shit. He was beautiful.

"Okay, but… only if you really want to do it with me," he said cautiously.

"Yes," Yumichika whispered. Ikkaku looked into his eyes for a minute, trying to find a flicker of doubt, but there was none.

Yumichika sniffled and cried as they kissed, letting Ikkaku further undress him on his boyfriend's bed. Yumichika covered himself up in the blankets, not liking being so vulnerable. Ikkaku closed the curtains and unbelted his own pants, coming back over to him, getting on top of him and kissing him some more. God, even with all those wounds, Yumichika was so beautiful with all that creamy skin. He was perfectly proportioned, so beautiful that Ikkaku could hardly stand it.

Soft lips were against his chapped ones, and that gorgeous smooth skin was under his tan scarred hands; Yumichika smelled of perfume, while he smelled of sweat. Ikkaku didn't feel deserving of this chance to touch him, but he took it gratefully, vowing to treat him like an angel, like a fragile butterfly.

"I love you, Yumichika, I love you," he whispered, holding him close as he pulled the blankets down, hovering over him. Yumichika whimpered and squirmed as he kissed his way over his body, rather clumsily and unpracticed, not knowing how to go about with foreplay. He just lost himself in peppering Yumichika's blemished skin with kisses, running his warm hands over him gently. Yumichika started relaxing, responding to his touch with those little sounds that Ikkaku loved.

Ikkaku kicked off his jeans and then pulled his boxers down, and Yumichika stared at him for quite a while, looking shocked. It unsettled Ikkaku a little, who, as a virgin, was still rather uncomfortable being naked in front of someone, but he tried to get past it, knowing that Yumichika was supposed to be his lover now, and that he shouldn't be embarrassed. Yumichika didn't look disappointed, after all.

"Wow," Yumichika whispered wistfully, reaching out for him a little, running his fingers down his arm. "I… I don't have a condom," he said shamefully, biting his lip. "I don't know where Kaa keeps them."

"Oh, I don't have one either…" Ikkaku frowned. Yumichika hesitantly asked if it would still be okay, and if Ikkaku was clean. "Oh, yeah, definitely," he said eagerly, stroking himself a little as he got closer. Yumichika was so soft and sweet-smelling, so beautiful with all of his ivory skin showing, even with all those bruises. He couldn't help but touch him with reverence, amazed that he could kiss something so beautiful, amazed that he was being entrusted with his body. "Wow… you're so beautiful," he whispered, trailing his fingers down Yumichika's cheek.

Yumichika smiled, eyes flicking down as he ran his hand over Ikkaku's chest muscles, squeezing his bicep with a little laugh, eyes still wet. Ikkaku pecked him on the mouth, smiling back, hoping that his performance would prove satisfactory when they got started.

Yumichika wormed his way onto his stomach, sticking his rear in the air. Ikkaku didn't get why he was doing that, so he gently turned him over onto his back, opening his legs up, "Like this… Can we do it like this?" he asked. "So I can see you better." Yumichika nodded with a blush, seeming excited even though he looked afraid, like a little kid knowingly doing something bad.

Ikkaku licked his palm, stroking himself to full-hardness, getting closer, peering down at Yumichika, who was covering his face in embarrassment that Ikkaku was looking so close. "Is it gonna' hurt?" he asked in concern, withdrawing a little. It didn't appear that he would fit, and that bothered him. What if he didn't fit inside the right way? "I'll… I'll break ya', won't I?"

"No, I'll be fine," Yumichika whispered breathlessly. Ikkaku nodded, hesitantly getting ready to start. He was shivering all over. How would it feel? So warm and tight and close; that would probably feel so good.

"Oh… Oh wait," he stopped himself, frowning. Wasn't there supposed to be something else before? Oh. "I should probably get you ready first, huh," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "Maybe then it'll be okay." Yumichika yelped when he grabbed him around the middle, pulling him up to his face, legs on either shoulder.

"Ahh, ahn,  _Nn,"_ Yumichika panted and gasped in pleasure, blood rushing to his upside down head as Ikkaku's tongue ravished him, fingers relaxing him with little skill, but enough to do the job. Ikkaku got some lube from the bathroom after Yumichika asked for him to get it. It was opened already, which was good, because there was less of a chance of them being caught - what bothered Ikkaku was that it had hardly been used. Hopefully no one would notice.

After a quick unskilled bout of trying to prepare Yumichika, Yumichika just laughed at him and did it himself. Ikkaku watched with fascination, trying to remember how Yumichika did it in case he ever got this chance again. "Okay, are you ready now?" Ikkaku laid him back down. "Are you? Don't say yes if you're not…" Yumichika assured him that he could take it.

He started kissing down his neck, pressing their bodies together. Yumichika was so soft, so fragile, so small and delicate beneath his broad chest and warm muscles. Ikkaku took care not to lay on him with his full weight, to keep from crushing him into the mattress. "Wow… You're so… I love you," he grinned. Yumichika smiled a little, swallowing hard as he felt Ikkaku's fat needy erection pressed between them, pulsating with warmth.

He noticed that Ikkaku's ability wasn't quite up to par, as if he had had absolutely no practice and was just winging it to the best of his limited knowledge. Or perhaps he was that eager to be so close to him, willing to screw up just for this chance. "Is this your first time?"

Ikkaku kissed his ear. "Yeah," he said simply, kissing all over him, rubbing his hands over his smooth skin, being gentle on the sore parts.

"Wow…"

"What?" Ikkaku said defensively.

"You admitted that so easy?" Yumichika smiled a little. "I feel honored."

"Oh hush," Ikkaku mumbled, kissing him on the mouth for a few minutes, getting into position. He felt that he'd gotten better at kissing now, and he enjoyed the soft feeling of their lips meeting, of Yumichika's eyelashes on his cheeks.

Ikkaku realized that they weren't lined up quite right, so he stuck a pillow under Yumichika's back and rubbed some more lubricant on himself, enough that he was nearly dripping. He  _really_  didn't want to hurt Yumichika at all. He couldn't bear to see him even wince in pain.

He backed up a little to reach down and line himself up, holding himself straight as he looked into Yumichika's eyes. He started to press in. Yumichika held his legs open, gritting his teeth, waiting for Ikkaku to just shove in to the hilt in one go. Ikkaku immediately stiffened up, mouth open, eyes wide as he started going inside, amazed by the heat and the heartbeat and the smoothness.

"Oh… Oh wow," he moaned in surprise, leaning over Yumichika, pressing in slowly, pausing when he met resistance. Apparently, even overwhelmed by pleasure he'd never felt before, he still knew well enough not to slam in so fast as to rip Yumichika open. "Oh, this feels good," he gasped out, pressing in further in one steady smooth stroke, gluing their hips together.

He put one arm on either side of Yumichika's face, holding himself up, shuddering in pleasure. It was so warm and smooth inside; it felt like Yumichika's body was pulling him in, and he could feel their heartbeats. He looked back into Yumichika's eyes, letting out a long moan. It was so close, so intimate that Ikkaku felt shivers all over as he met Yumichika's gaze. He was  _inside_  him… He finally had his angel here in his arms, merging their auras. Wow, he couldn't believe he was doing this. Surely someone like Yumichika wouldn't privilege him with something like this.

Yumichika was panting and sweating beneath him, squirming uncomfortably, trying to move to a different angle. Ikkaku looked down at him, kissing him a few times, feverish heat having swept through his whole body. "Wow, this is… this… this feels so good," he breathed with difficulty, trying very hard to stay still. Just the thought of what they were doing made him twitch within Yumichika, wanting so much to make love to him all night long. He clenched up his gut to stave off from orgasming. It just felt so perfect, so warm, and tight, and slippery from the lubricant.

"Does it hurt? Am I hurting you?" Yumichika shook his head a few times, cheeks red, a sheen of sweat sticking his hair to his face. "Ohh…" Ikkaku moaned breathily, holding Yumichika close, locking Yumichika's legs around his back as he moved onto his knees, thrusting cautiously, not wanting to go too hard and break Yumichika open.

Oh god, the friction and the lightning bolts of pleasure were almost too much, causing him to shake all over. He'd had no idea that it could feel this good. He kissed a few more of Yumichika's bruises, getting close to his face so he could press their foreheads together and lock eyes. He laced his fingers through Yumichika's, pressing their hands to the bed, rolling his hips deep and slow.

"Am I doing it right?" he asked in a raspy tone, swallowing, making an effort to move his hips the right way to reach that spot that was supposed to feel good. "Is it okay?" Yumichika nodded, but grew tearful. "Oh no, why are you crying?" he asked, slowing down. "I'm hurting you… I  _hurt_ you!" he said, aghast, backing out a little.

"No…" Yumichika wept bitterly, lip wobbling as he clung to Ikkaku. "I just shouldn't be doing this." He started to cry into Ikkaku's shoulder.

"Oh baby, I promise he won't know… He won't know, he won't find out. I'm gonna' help you get away. I won't let anyone hurt you ever again, I promise," Ikkaku whispered comfortingly, rolling them over so that he was on his back with Yumichika sitting up. "Don't think about that now, just think about us, right here, right now."

Yumichika nodded, leaning down to kiss him, rocking a little on top of Ikkaku to keep the friction going. He made breathy little noises as he bounced away in his lap, hands on Ikkaku's sweaty chest.

Ikkaku moaned, shaking all over as he gripped Yumichika's hips, holding him still. "Hhnn, Yumichika," he whispered in awe, thrusting upwards gently, moaning almost helplessly. This angle was even better, having Yumichika's weight pressing him down even deeper. Oh, it just felt so good. He never thought he'd ever have sex. He loved how close he felt to Yumichika, being inside him... it was so warm and so tight, so very close and connected. He just loved it.

Yumichika seemed uncomfortable being on top of him like that, being so exposed for Ikkaku to see, so he crawled off of him and crept to the edge of the bed, telling Ikkaku to stand behind him. Ikkaku put a pillow under Yumichika in case he grew tired of kneeling, and moved close again, entering him slowly with a load moan, "Oh my god… Ahhh…" He smiled a little bit, kissing down Yumichika's back, "Oh God, I love you… This feels great."

He thrust a little harder, holding Yumichika's hips carefully as he looked down to watch himself move in and out of that perfect little butt. There were dark bruises there where his hands were holding, so he let go in surprise, hoping they hadn't been from him. Oh, but that couldn't be possible, because bruises didn't form that quickly usually, but Ikkaku still tried to be more gentle, moving his hands up to hold him around the chest instead.

Now that Ikkaku could see Yumichika better, he saw that there was bruising around his opening too, which made him want to throw up, having an idea of why it was there. He made a conscious effort to be gentle, moving back so he could coat himself with the slippery lube again, easing the thrusts further, making it easier to go deeper.

Ikkaku wondered if it felt okay for Yumichika, who wasn't making much noise while he couldn't restrain his pleasured groans. He supposed that Yumichika was the quiet sort of lover, but he still loved the little breathy sounds coming from deep in Yumichika's throat. He kissed up Yumichika's spine, eventually moving them back to their original position, liking how close it put their faces,  _loving_  the eye contact.

Ikkaku was surprised that he had lasted this long already, knowing that his stamina wasn't going to be great his first time. He hoped Yumichika wouldn't be disappointed - of course, he wouldn't just roll over and fall asleep or something, he'd make sure that Yumichika was satisfied too.

He began to grunt as he thrusted deeper, gritting his teeth as his hips started making a smacking sound against Yumichika's, sweat making their skin stick. He kissed Yumichika a little, slipping his tongue into his mouth hesitantly, not really knowing how to kiss like this, so he was sure to be gentle. He'd always thought tongue kisses would be hot and too wet, but Yumichika's tongue was cool against his, tasting of wine and mint gum. Ikkaku's eyes were filling with moisture that he didn't understand as he whispered against Yumichika's lips, holding him close as the pleasure began to mount. Suddenly he seized up, moaning in surprise, thrusting faster. He staggered, gasping in pleasure, holding Yumichika's hips tightly to his own as he came deep inside of him.

Yumichika gave a low moan at the warm sensation, letting Ikkaku release into him for a full five seconds before he thrust a few more times, fascinated with watching himself disappear inside Yumichika's body as he convulsed with pleasure. He moaned, pushing all the way back in a few times, shaking all over from the intense aftershocks as Yumichika clenched around him. "Oh… Oh wow," Ikkaku gasped, pulling out gently with a  _pop_. He laid down next to Yumichika, eyes a little wet, stunned at what they had just done. Affection was swirling through him in thick waves, making him nearly delirious. His watery eyes leaked a little, melting right onto his sweaty cheeks as he smiled lazily. Wow, that had been just amazing.

He swallowed, staring up at the ceiling in awe as he breathed heavily for a few minutes, holding Yumichika's hand. He'd never thought that it would feel so special and connected like that, so very close. He had been able to feel  _everything_ : Yumichika's breath against his face, his erratic heartbeat against his chest, and the one pulsating through his passage, which hugged around him every time Yumichika got a shock of pleasure.

"I love you," he said, a little dazed, hips tingling with euphoria, endorphins rushing through him. He felt like he was floating, like nothing could go wrong, like reality didn't matter. He wiped at the wet trail on his stomach, rubbing his leaking eyes with his knuckles as he rolled back over to Yumichika and kissed him, making sure to be gentle in case he was still recovering from having him inside there. The poor thing was laying there so limp, panting and sweaty. Ikkaku kissed him again, holding him a little, being careful with his bashed-up sweetheart. Now that he was looking, it occurred to him that all of Yumichika's ribs were sticking out, along with all the bumps and bruises. All Ikkaku wanted to do was erase his pain and make him feel good. He wanted to spread that pleasured flush all over Yumichika's body.

He sucked down the side of Yumichika's neck, ignoring his inquiries as to what he was doing. Working his way down, he rolled one of Yumichika's nipples gently between his fingers, mouth kissing past his belly button, being gentle on his sore-spots and the bones that were sticking out. Yumichika jolted in shock as Ikkaku hesitantly licked up his shaft. It tasted salty like sweat, and the little drip of precum was extremely bitter in certain spots, but Ikkaku found it bearable. "Um… I'll probably be no good… but… Is it okay if I try?" Yumichika nodded breathlessly, hand going to the back of Ikkaku's head.

Ikkaku breathed onto him, blowing air on the wet spot his tongue had left, loving the shivers that went through Yumichika's body. He got closer, letting Yumichika put his legs over his shoulders, brushing against his cheeks. He took the head into his mouth, trying not to bite as he swirled his tongue in an awkward circle. Yumichika twitched, moaning, letting Ikkaku stroke him with his other hand as he carefully moved his mouth over him, trying to get into some sort of rhythm.

When it became clear that Ikkaku was having trouble getting Yumichika to cum, he used his right hand and some saliva to give Yumichika a handjob, emulating what he did to himself, jerking tight and quick. By that point, Yumichika's legs were shaking, his back arching as he came all over his stomach. The poor thing dropped back down, sweating and panting, completely drained of energy after that.

Ikkaku lay down next to him, pulling him into his arms, not caring about the too-hot skin or the sweat, or the mess down below. He just wanted to cuddle him for a little while and kiss him, wishing that this never had to end.

"Well, was your first time good?" Yumichika asked, eyes a little watery, hair disheveled where he was laying his head in the crook of Ikkaku's neck.

"Yeah," Ikkaku sighed dreamily, still getting tingles all over, extremely sensitive down there. "I love you, Yumichika."

"I… I love you too," Yumichika whispered back, a bit of a mess. Ikkaku blinked, looking back at him, faces close. He noticed that there was no longer light coming from beneath the curtains, even though it couldn't be later than seven thirty. It seemed that the early winter moon had already risen. "No matter what I say… I love you." Ikkaku leaned forward and kissed him, movements now a lot more practiced and sure, sharing the passion that he felt.

Yumichika asked Ikkaku to help him to the bathroom, boneless and shaky from the earlier invasion and the pleasure. He watched as Yumichika brushed his teeth and his hair. Eventually a little trickle of white began rolling down his leg, and Ikkaku moved behind him, watching in near-fascination, getting a sharp aftershock through him, groin twitching and telling him he was ready for another go. His tired muscles and still ragged breath said otherwise. Yumichika blushed and told him to turn around so he could clean himself out with his fingers and some toilet paper.

"Um… I'm sorry… I didn't think to ask if I should have… pulled out," Ikkaku said, a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean ta'... do that."

"It's alright," Yumichika sighed, spending a few more minutes trying to get it all out, berating him for cumming so much. Ikkaku blushed, a little ashamed that it was causing so much trouble. It hadn't occurred to him that Yumichika would have to clean it out so that it wouldn't ruin the bed sheets. Eventually, Yumichika was satisfied when it appeared that he was all cleaned and emptied out. He washed his hands and his messy front, and let Ikkaku come up behind him and press up against him naked, kissing his shoulders.

"You're so beautiful… Look at you," He pointed upwards, and Yumichika looked in the mirror, seeing Ikkaku behind him, holding him. "Just perfect." Ikkaku kissed the side of his cheek. Yumichika didn't turn around, head bowing down, hair covering his face, but Ikkaku could see the little smile in the mirror.

Ikkaku turned Yumichika around and picked him up, pressing their naked bodies together. The love in his pounding heart couldn't possibly be contained inside of him as he smiled at Yumichika, who had his hair disheveled in  _just_  the right way. Ikkaku gave him the bird lips, beckoning him to peck him on the lips, spinning him around once in happiness before setting him down again on wobbly legs.

"Hey, I'm sorry if… um… I was no good. I tried really hard, but… I know it probably wasn't so great."

"That's alright, I enjoyed it very much. At least you didn't rip me open or something. You're well endowed. I was worried for a moment." Yumichika gave a sly wink. Ikkaku shoved him a little. Yumichika just wiggled his butt, causing Ikkaku to throw him over his shoulder and drag him back to the bed. They cuddled and lazed around for hours, making love a few more times, late into the night.

Ikkaku hoped against hope that the sun would never come up tomorrow.

* * *

"Okay. He already said he loves you… and you kind of said it back too… So this should be easy," Ichigo talked to himself a little in paranoia as he walked down the icy sidewalk, eager to get home and back into Renji's arms. He shouldn't be worried about this; he should be more worried about telling Grimmjow that he'd lost. Hopefully the guy wouldn't take it too hard.

Part of him was really excited that Renji felt this way for him, now that he had broken through his disgust and denial. He really sort of liked this dynamic they had going where their special friendship hadn't changed, but had instead grown another deeper layer. Ichigo felt quite guilty for all the hell he'd put Renji through, and had decided that he was going to try to kiss Renji tonight, and boy was he chicken. That would be their first kiss.

He'd tell Renji that he'd like to be his boyfriend, and that he'd decided to pick him over Grimmjow. He grinned, already knowing how happy the moron would be. Renji had always been tough, gruff, and blunt, always a paradigm of masculinity, but lately he'd been docile and attentive, and Ichigo rather liked the change, the way Renji could switch seamlessly between the two, calling him fucker and baby in the same sentence.

He couldn't wait to see how excited Renji would be that he'd decided to accept his tokens of affection. It would be like having the sun smile at him, to make Renji so happy.

Ichigo liked Grimmjow, he really did, and he was kind of disappointed that things hadn't worked out like he'd wanted. He loved the passion between them and the mystery and the adventure, the constant fighting, the constant  _fire,_  but… Renji… Renji  _glowed_. Renji was special. He was a star, a diamond, a fucking strawberry milkshake, and Ichigo was falling in love with him.

He knew that with Renji he'd have a happy life. With Renji, he had everything he had ever looked for: a companion, a friend, a lover, somebody he could depend on to take care of his problems when he was too weak, somebody who could be responsible and carry on if he couldn't handle it, somebody who could take care of him, somebody who understood and who could baby him without their pride getting in the way, somebody who could tell him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Most of all, he loved that Renji loved him, no holds barred, straight-forward and powerful. Ichigo could see that Renji loved him outright, openly, with passion, sweetness, and honesty, and he wouldn't deny it like Grimmjow would. Renji looked at him like he was the best, the only, the  _one_ , as if the world would stop spinning without him _._

He really did understand what Renji wanted now. He wanted to throw sand at each other at the beach, and hold his hand as he balanced on the rail-road tracks. He wanted to keep getting into bar-fights together, but be able to walk home with their arms around each other's beaten shoulders. He wanted to keep calling each other fucker and moron, he still wanted to argue, but he wanted to be able to kiss him right afterwards. Renji wanted what they had, their close friendship, but deeper, more passionate, more  _everything._

Ichigo would try. He'd try to kiss him today. Before, he'd just been letting Grimmjow kiss him, without kissing back very much, but this time, he would try to return the kiss, even initiate it. It was rather exciting to think about kissing Renji for the first time. It wasn't as if Renji would reject him or something, so there was no pressure at all. Besides that, Renji would give that special gorgeous smile that had been absent lately. Renji would be so happy to hear that he'd chosen him.

It felt so good. It felt so good to be cared about, to see someone enjoy his time and company so much, and he was glad he'd decided to give it a try instead of staying hard-headed and entrenched in persistent denial. Now that he was letting himself like it, he found that he actually enjoyed this heartsick, sappy, sweet feeling, and he wanted things to continue like this forever. He wanted the butterflies, the pounding heartbeats, and the light airy feeling he got when Renji looked at him like that. He could feel the love without a shadow of a doubt, and that was what Grimmjow couldn't give him. With Grimmjow there would be suspense, mystery, and adventure, all that fire and tension that he had loved so much, but there would always be that lingering doubt, and Ichigo didn't want that.

He'd tell Renji that. He'd tell him that he'd decided that he'd like to try being his boyfriend for real, and that Grimmjow wouldn't come between them anymore.

As he entered their dorm, he was disappointed when a bouncy red-head didn't come to the door to welcome him home.

"Ren-shinku?" he called, using Renji's old nickname. "Hey, are ya' here?" He looked all over, wondering where he was. Renji had been a huge dope lately, super happy that Ichigo was giving him a chance to treat him like he was his sweetheart, extremely different from his previous gruff 'muscle' attitude. It was kind of funny to see such a large, strong, macho guy acting so stupidly sweet and excited to see him, but Ichigo knew better than to poke fun given how often he'd been blushing lately.

Ichigo would pretend like his 'puppy' demeanor was stupid, but he really did love it when Renji kissed his cheek and gave him candy. He loved the look in Renji's eyes when he looked at him. Renji was being genuine, and Ichigo could feel it.

He searched through the small dorm, even under some piles of dirty clothes just in case Renji was throwing a fit again about not wanting to wash them. He was disappointed when he realized that Renji was nowhere to be found; the thing that disturbed Ichigo was that there was no sign that he'd left. His coat and shoes were still in the hall, and Renji wasn't in the bathroom or something, because Ichigo had checked there to see if he'd fallen asleep on the seat. It had happened before, last year during finals week, the idiot.

He tried to call Renji's cellphone, concerned, but he heard the ring a moment later. There it was in the bed, where it had been last night. Ichigo looked in the closet again, bewildered. Renji  _obviously_  hadn't left, so where the hell was he? He was concerned, but he knew that Renji could handle himself if he was off by himself somewhere, barefoot and without a coat or telephone. Maybe he needed some space or time to think now that Ichigo had tried to reciprocate his feelings. Maybe he was at a friend's house. Maybe he was out buying fruit-gushers. Still, it was strange that Renji hadn't told him where he was going.

It wasn't as if Ichigo was his mom or something, or his boss, or as if he needed to spend every moment with the guy, but Renji had done that for years during their friendship, at least chattering about his day or something, telling him what was up and where he'd be. Maybe it had been too urgent, or maybe Renji had been particularly scatter-brained today and had forgotten to tell him, and forgotten his coat and phone and his shoes.  _It could happen._

A little disappointed, but equally relieved that his kiss attempt would be put off, Ichigo put on his pajamas and went to bed, laying awake for an hour on the lower bunk, hoping that Renji would come back.

He didn't.

* * *

 _Baby, are you lost? I'm searching, little birdie,  
_ _It's not like I'm your mother, but it's after twelve thirty,_

 _I'm worrying, alone; all our dreams are scattered,  
_ _I don't wanna see your pretty face get shattered._

 _The news is always bad, I don't wanna see the cops,  
_ _knocking on our door and saying that you dropped,_

 _Baby are you safe, are you lost, are you living,  
_ _Cause your love is the only gift of mine that keeps giving_

 _So I sit here and tell myself that coveting's a sin,  
_ _I hope you're alive, because the only life I want to live_ _, is one that you're in._


	15. Troika

_Do you feel like a man when you push her around?_   
_Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?_

* * *

 "Mmmng," Ikkaku grunted, feeling around through the insanely comfortable bed, half-asleep as he looked for that really warm thing that he'd been holding. Eventually, he nearly fell right off the mattress, and was jolted awake with the horrifying realization that he was ass-naked in someone else's bed.

And he couldn't feel his hips. Oh crap. It had finally happened.

He looked up, hoping that he hadn't had his first time in some brothel or love-hotel, hoping that his bedmate hadn't been drunk or underage or HIV positive or some-  _'Oh wait… It's coming back to me... Oh yeah, we… wow, that was great. That woulda' been a huge loss if I'd forgotten that, I'm glad he didn't let me drink. Wow, that was so great, I think he's finally gonna' let me be his lover.'_

Ikkaku started smiling, completely lovesick, flopping back on the bed with a happy sigh, hands behind his head. His smile snapped off in a split-second when he heard something awful: sobs mixed with retching and the occasional choking sound.

' _Uh oh.'_

"Babe? Are you…" Ikkaku got out of bed, looking around for something to put on, settling for his boxer shorts, yanking them on as he jogged towards the bathroom. Yumichika was there, kneeling on the floor, shaking all over as he cried pitifully, puking up his guts. "Oh, sweetheart," Ikkaku said in sympathy, trying to come towards him to move his hair back from his face, as much as the sight of him vomiting twisted his stomach. Yuck. The poor thing. He rubbed his back a little, getting him a dixie cup of water when he started choking on phlegm.

Yumichika coughed like he was trying to hack up a lung, spitting weakly, begging him to go out and not look at him while he was throwing up. He sounded so pitiful that Ikkaku obeyed, sitting outside the door and listening to him retching even after his stomach was long empty. He started digging around through the kitchen, looking for some pepto bismol or something that might help Yumichika feel better. He got some mints, which were supposed to help settle stomachs. Yumichika should be able to eat them when he was finished hurling.

After a few minutes of silence, Ikkaku peeked back in the bathroom to see his lover's wet face, which was covered in tears, snot, and saliva. That was when Ikkaku knew that there was no hope for him, because even like this Yumichika was beautiful. He really must be in love.

Yumichika lay there pitifully, crying a little as Ikkaku hefted him up into his lap and wiped his face with some tissues, helping him blow his nose. "Didja' eat something bad last night?" Yumichika was shaking like he was cold, but Ikkaku knew better, because Yumichika never shivered. The look of dread on Yumichika's face and the way he was clutching his tummy made Ikkaku's heart twist.

"Why are you crying? Shhh, it's okay, baby. What's the matter?" he asked, holding Yumichika tightly, rocking him a little as he carried him out to the living room. He wrapped him up in a blanket, squeezing his trembling hands tightly.

Suddenly, something horrible dawned on him. He must have hurt Yumichika last night. Maybe Yumichika hadn't been well enough to do that after the damage his boyfriend had done, and now Ikkaku had just made everything worse. Something was probably broken inside him and Yumichika had lied to him about being fine. Something was wrong with him; maybe Ikkaku had to take him to the doctor. "Oh no," he said in dismay, face falling. "I did it wrong and I broke you," he whispered, forehead in Yumichika's lap. He kissed Yumichika's lower stomach, where the damage surely was. "I knew I would, I never should've... shit," he growled, trying to pick Yumichika up. "I'm taking you to the hospital."

"No, it's okay. I'm not hurt," Yumichika said, hand on the back of Ikkaku's head, shaking fingers stroking his smooth skin. Ikkaku almost believed that, because Yumichika's voice was so steady and honest, but the look on his face was one of gut-wrenching fear. "You have never hurt me, Ikkaku." Yumichika starting rocking himself, holding his stomach, biting his trembling lips as tears rolled down his face.

"Oh... okay," Ikkaku said, taking Yumichika's shaking hands in his, squeezing them to get them to stop trembling quite so violently. "What's the matter, then, sweetheart? Are you sick? Why are you crying?" He brushed at Yumichika's face with part of the blanket, looking at him in concern.

"He'll know… Somehow he'll know, he always does. I shouldn't have done that. I'm in so much trouble," Yumichika whimpered. Oh, Yumichika was so scared, and Ikkaku wanted nothing more than to make him feel safe and protected. "I've been bad, I did a really bad thing," he said pitifully, nails clamping into his own face as he began to panic, rocking back and forth as if he wasn't all there. Renji had mentioned something about Yumichika having anxiety attacks as a kid and that they came back sometimes when he was really worked up. This was not good.

"He won't know, baby, I promise," Ikkaku said comfortingly. "Look, I'm gonna' leave early, I'll take all my things so he won't know, just like you wanted, alright? Everything will be fine, listen to me, okay?" Yumichika nodded a few times, letting Ikkaku hold his hands, desperately gripping onto him lest he lose all sanity. "Just keep your head and stay calm and everything will be fine, okay? Your plan  _will work_. You can do this."

"I can… I can do this," Yumichika whispered back. "Okay, I can be brave. I'll be brave," he said a little louder, lip wobbling as tears spilled over from his eyes again. There were a few moments of silence, and then Yumichika broke, his act failing.

"I never should have even talked to you," he said pitifully, putting his face in his hands, beginning to weep with shuddery breaths.

Ikkaku became very hesitant to leave and carry out their plan. They had decided that Yumichika would continue as normal with Kaa until he could discreetly unwrap his assets and bank accounts and other such legal things - Yumichika said that there were some complicated matters and loose ends he needed to tie up. Then, after that, Ikkaku would help him file a police report if he changed his mind - which Yumichika still didn't want to do. Ikkaku would try to convince him of that later. After that, Ikkaku would help Yumichika get away from that man, making sure that he didn't come back for revenge or something ridiculous.

But with Yumichika falling apart like this, so scared, Ikkaku didn't feel right leaving him here alone. He didn't want to leave Yumichika alone with Kaa for one more  _second_ , but he knew that it would be less of a mess if he did things Yumichika's way instead of getting himself arrested from beating the shit out of Kaa.

Yumichika insisted that he would be fine, so Ikkaku reluctantly packed his things together and helped Yumichika clean and straighten the house of all evidence. With a parting kiss and one last inquiry as to whether he'd be okay dealing with Kaa on his own, Ikkaku left, and it was lucky that he did instead of staying an extra night.

Kaa's connecting flight had been moved a day early, so he came home just a few hours after Ikkaku had left.

Yumichika was surprised to see him so early, and greeted him with the customary kiss and welcome, expertly hiding his relief that Ikkaku had left when he had. Things would've gotten ugly really fast.

Kaa grinned at him, seeming to have missed him greatly; In fact, he was more affectionate than normal. Yumichika smiled, heart aching a little bit. He did so love this man, and he had for a long time. He loved how Kaa treated him, he loved how Kaa  _looked_  at him and held him and talked to him. The peace of their relationship more than made up for the small percentage of suffering he went through. Things had been good between them for so long, and how he wished that he could be good enough for Kaa again and that all this violence would cease.

But part of him knew that he'd given so much to this man that he hardly had anything left for himself. Part of him was starting to dream of another life.

* * *

 

When Ichigo woke up the next morning, Renji was still gone, and Ichigo, in a panic, tore apart their room looking for something that could help him figure out where he'd gone. If he couldn't come up with something, he was going to call their friends, and then go to the police as a last resort.

That was when he found the note stuffed in Renji's pillowcase.

It was an address for a hotel. Renji must've been tired when he wrote the address down, because his handwriting was deplorable. Ichigo frowned. Maybe Renji had just been working late last night and had fallen asleep at his job. Maybe he'd forgotten his phone or something before leaving to work, but what did that have to do with a hotel address number?

He fretted nearly all day, hoping Renji would come home by himself with some crazy story explaining his absence. By six o'clock, he was desperate for a lead, so he decided to go to the address, hoping that was where Renji had disappeared to.

Maybe this was the dork's attempt at propositioning him or something; he had no idea. Or maybe it was a party. He'd have to see.

And boy, did he ever.

* * *

 Ikkaku shut the door behind him quietly. It was about two in the afternoon. Yumichika had invited him to come back today to celebrate his birthday, so it would be no big deal, right? Everything would be fine.

He wanted to check up on him too, to make sure he was okay before Kaa came home tomorrow. Yumichika had been a mess. It hurt Ikkaku's soul to see him so afraid like that. Maybe Yumichika needed him to encourage him some more, to give him more faith in himself and his flawless acting.

Ikkaku walked down the hall, noticing a pair of dirty work boots that didn't seem to be Yumichika's… They weren't as big as his own feet, but they were definitely too big for  _Yumichika's,_  and besides, Yumichika would never wear something like that... Wait. There was a suitcase, and there was an extra coat hanging on the coat rack.

Suddenly his head shot up, and he froze as he heard a familiar voice. Before he knew what he was doing, he had silently ducked into the hall closet, leaving the door slightly open as he looked out at Kaa and Yumichika talking together. Had Kaa come home early?

He thanked his lucky stars that he hadn't come home and caught them earlier with their clothes flung all over the place. Getting caught in the act really would've been the worst thing that could've happened.

Even now after seeing all the horrible evidence staining Yumichika's body, Ikkaku found it hard to believe that Kaa was such a monster like that. It wasn't anger that stirred in Ikkaku's gut, but sickness, because he knew that this had to be how Kaa fooled everyone, how he compensated for the wretchedness he felt inside, by being so kind and outgoing ninety percent of the time.

As they talked, Kaa spoke to Yumichika kindly with a warm adoring gaze, and he seemed to treat him quite well. He'd even brought Yumichika a little cookie souvenir from the airport. Ikkaku understood then, how easy it would be for Yumichika to be deluded into thinking that this was all his fault, that it was he who was turning such a nice man into a monster. Kaa's mask was flawless. In fact, as much as Ikkaku believed that Yumichika was telling the truth, he was starting to think that maybe Yumichika was just confused or something, that Kaa really hadn't done anything to him.

He shook himself out of that. He had  _seen_  the carnage and the damage against Yumichika's body. Kaa  _had_  done this, and as Ikkaku reminded himself of this, rage began to bubble in the pit of his stomach as he saw Kaa lean in and tenderly kiss Yumichika's cheek, smiling with so much love.

He knew that Kaa must love Yumichika, there was no doubt about that. That loving warm gaze was  _real;_  Kaa  _definitely_  loved Yumichika, and who wouldn't? But that didn't give him an inch of space. That didn't give him an excuse. Kaa was messed up inside, crooked, disturbed, and broken somehow, and that wasn't bad in itself, but the fact that it made him hurt Yumichika whenever Yumichika did something to 'set him off' wasn't okay at all. Despite how much Kaa might love him and take care of him, Yumichika needed to be taken far far away from that man, where he could never harm him again. Ikkaku would protect him now, because the one thing that Kaa couldn't protect Yumichika from, was himself.

Ikkaku would do that now; he'd protect Yumichika for both of them, for Kaa's sake and his own, because he believed that if Kaa was in the right frame of mind, he would feel guilty and sorry for hurting his loved one so badly. Yes, part of Ikkaku felt sorry for the twisted fiend, but the other part wanted to snap his neck and skin him alive, to make him suffer for what he'd done to warp Yumichika beyond recognition.

As much as he wanted to bust out there and carry Yumichika away with a 'fuck you, goodbye' to the guy, he knew that he had to respect Yumichika's wishes of how to cut things off. If Yumichika didn't do things his way, he would forever feel guilty when Kaa was taken to the police, when Kaa was put in jail because of him. He would never be able to let go of that, and Ikkaku didn't want these memories to haunt Yumichika. He couldn't save Yumichika yet, not until Yumichika saved himself.

Besides that, Kaa was obviously happy to see Yumichika, so Yumichika wasn't in danger or something. Ikkaku didn't need to go out there unless he was forced to, to protect him.

So he watched silently, praying that he wouldn't be caught there, praying that Yumichika's flawless acting would hold up.

Yumichika was starting to believe that he'd gotten away with it, that Kaa wouldn't find out. He smiled in relief, offering to make Kaa something to eat or to rub his back, because he was surely tense after being at the busy airport.

"I missed you," he said honestly, sitting next to Kaa on the couch when he beckoned for him to come closer. Kaa was looking at him with a wistful smile, taking hold of his chin as he leaned in to kiss him. Oh, how he loved when Kaa was so sweet and gentle like this; he loved how Kaa would treat him so nicely like how he had when they'd gotten together so long ago. It was like this almost all the time, because he'd been good lately, very good.

"Did you behave while I was away?" Kaa asked teasingly, kissing him all over his face. Yumichika smiled, heart swelling, the familiar smell of peppermint chapstick wafting over his face. He just _loved_  it when Kaa acted this way.

"Of course I did," Yumichika said with a soft smile, leaning his head onto Kaa's shoulder. He didn't let the guilt or the fear of lying get in his way, and he performed flawlessly. Not all of it was an act; Yumichika really did love him. He loved him so much.

"Don't lie to me, now," Kaa said with a light playful tone, still just joking. "Anythin' ya' wanna' tell me?"

"I'm not lying, darling," Yumichika smiled seamlessly. "There's nothing. I'm so glad you're home early, I missed you."

"Why the long face, Gloomy-chika?" Yumichika smiled wearily, adjusting his head on Kaa's shoulder, repeating that he'd just missed him.

"Hey," Kaa nudged him, looking at him for a long time, right in his eyes with an indecipherable expression on his face. Kaa stroked the side of his hair a little, growing serious, gazing at him. The eye-contact made Yumichika shiver, getting him worked up and excited.

"You know that I love you, right?"

Yumichika blinked, face falling a little in confusion as he began to feel alarmed. Kaa had only told him he loved him one time, long ago, in a very serious moment. Kaa was the type to show his love rather than say it, as if he was afraid to wear out the meaning. It was unnerving to hear him say it now, to say the least. Was this some significant moment that he was unaware of?

"Yes, I know," Yumichika whispered back nervously, looking back into his love's eyes. He knew that no matter how Kaa had to hurt him, Kaa truly did love him, and Yumichika never forgot that. "I know that you do," he breathed, curling his fingers around Kaa's wrists.

"Good," Kaa answered, standing up, leading him by the hand into the bedroom for what Yumichika assumed would be a nice quick roll-around. Suddenly, chills went down his spine, and he began to shake badly. Something was very wrong, and his gut was telling him of it. He had come out a little too clean, and Kaa was acting strangely somehow, but he didn't see why. Nothing was different, nothing was out of place. This must just be the guilt getting to him.

Kaa lingered by the door as he came into the bedroom, and Yumichika obediently went over to the bed, starting to undress. With an ominous click, the telltale sound of the steel bolt locking their door rang in Yumichika's ears, and suddenly, everything began to crumble.

Ikkaku heard the locking sound, that of a huge steel bolt that was normally only on storm doors, and following that came a noise of pain that left him aghast and horrified.

At first he thought that Yumichika had just tripped or something, but his gut told him that Kaa knew, just as Yumichika had said he would. Had he found out about them somehow? Yumichika had said that Kaa  _never_ hurt him for no reason at all. He'd found out somehow, he  _must_  have, but how? They'd been so careful!

"Ah!... N-... No!"

When Yumichika began to wail in pain, showing that it hadn't been an accident or something, Ikkaku raced out and started pounding at the locked door. If he hadn't been so panicked, he would've stayed quiet and tried to call the police, but in revealing his presence, he had surely confirmed Kaa's suspicions. "No, stop! Please, don't hurt him, take me instead! It's not his fault!... Let him go...  _Please!"_

He shouldn't have listened to Yumichika when he had told him to leave earlier, and he should've listened closer when he said that Kaa would find out someway somehow. Maybe the guy had an informant in the building, or even a camera in the room. Worst of all, he shouldn't have left Yumichika alone, he shouldn't have listened when he had said that he could handle it. Oh, what had he been thinking?

He should've done anything and everything to get Yumichika away from here, even if it meant kidnapping him and dragging him to safety. It wouldn't have mattered if Yumichika became angry or never forgave him, because at least he would've been safe.

But it was too late now, and that was what terrified him.

* * *

  _Face down in the dirt,_

_She said, "This doesn't hurt."_


	16. Trichotomy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING - This chapter contains EXPLICIT Violence, extremely graphic nonconsensual activity, dubious oral consent, and detailed domestic abuse/aftermath, along with explicit images. Approach with caution.

 

 _And though I can't understand why this happened_  
_I know that I will when I look back someday_

 _And see how you've brought beauty from ashes_  
_And made me as gold purified through these flames_

* * *

Ichigo panted as he skidded to a stop, having just run up ten flights of steps due to an out-of-order elevator. He raced down the hallway of the fifth floor, practically tripping over himself when he didn't slow down in time for the room which matched the address. He ignored his carpet burns and scrambled back to it, beginning to pound on the door. It was fair to say that he was still a little crazed and panicked that something really bad had happened to Renji. He was gonna' wring his stupid neck for making him worry.

After a few knocks, he tried the handle and found that it was unlocked, so he burst into the hotel room, looking around quickly. Nothing looking like a murder scene so far, just a crappy hotel room with two beds with nicely made sheets, a couch in the corner, a table and chairs, tacky decorations, and a stand with a TV on it.

"Renji?... Oh," he said in relief, seeing Renji sitting over by the far wall, staring out the window. "There you are." He walked forward, fully intent on slapping the shit out of the idiot for just disappearing like that. Suddenly, he stopped dead, freezing up as he heard a voice from behind him.

"Look what the cat dragged in." That pun alerted him that something was very wrong. The door closed, and he immediately got goosebumps all over, causing him to stand stock still.

Then came the ominous clicking sound.

He'd heard it in countless movies and video games, but it had never scared him so badly as it did now. It was the sound of a gun being cocked.

The hairs rose on the back of his neck, and as tough as Ichigo was, it was still really fucking  _terrifying_  to have a loaded gun pointed at him. He could feel the gun's path glaring right in the middle of his back, like a laser, so he turned around extremely slowly. His eyes widened, realizing that the person had been behind the door, waiting for him to come in. The voice was familiar, and as he turned to meet his attacker, he found that it indeed belonged to who had suspected the gunman to be. He was really intent on killing them... This… This was...

Grimmjow shut the door, holding the gun up so that it was aimed right between his eyes.

"Woah, woah, what are you doing?!" Ichigo ducked out of the way in panic, and was surprised when the gun didn't move from where it was pointed. It hadn't been aimed at him at all, but straight at the back of Renji's head.

Grimmjow walked towards Ichigo, who backed up just as quickly, hesitantly wincing away from Grimmjow, still eyeing the gun warily. Grimmjow grabbed his arm without a word, towing him towards the redhead, who Ichigo could now see was tied up and even more beaten up than before. He looked as if he had been hit repeatedly with a crowbar, or an aluminum baseball bat, or something else that was equally hard and unyielding.

He was gagged, hair down and messy, some of it sticking to his face where blood and grime had dried. One of his eyes was closed, black and bloody, and the other was blinking dazedly. He seemed delirious or perhaps not fully awake, and was breathing very slowly, as if it was difficult to find the strength.

Ichigo was aghast, looking at him in disbelief. Was this Renji, the man who would still hit you if he'd broken his fingers? Renji, who never backed down, who never yielded, who never showed when he was at a disadvantage? Renji, who was tough as nails, who never broke down, who could hold up the world better than Atlas? Surely, this couldn't be right.

Ichigo was beginning to shake, adrenaline rushing through him. This couldn't be happening, this just couldn't be happening. This was some awful joke, that's all it was. Maybe a bad dream, a  _really_  bad dream. This just couldn't be happening. Renji couldn't be hurt so badly, Grimmjow just couldn't really be threatening them.

He swallowed, feeling sick, trying to keep his cool. He wanted so badly to untie Renji and ask him what had happened, to help him lie down in bed and put a washcloth on his forehead. Renji hadn't even had time to recover from his fight; he had to be hurting so badly, and Ichigo's stomach was in knots just looking at him. Usually when Renji was hurt, he didn't give it much thought because he knew that Renji could handle it, but  _this_ , he somehow knew, hadn't been a fair fight. Grimmjow had really hurt him.

Ichigo froze as the barrel of the handgun moved towards the back of Renji's neck; his breathing quickened, and he was overcome with an urge to knock the gun out of Grimmjow's hands, but no, he couldn't risk that. What if Grimmjow got spooked and shot Renji out of reflex?

Ichigo's eyes flitted around desperately, looking towards the door, the phone,  _something_  that could help him. He could probably run back out of the room without Grimmjow shooting him down, but leaving Renji here by himself wasn't an option. He couldn't risk fighting Grimmjow either, if he had that gun in hand. What should he do?

Renji gave a moan through his gag as Grimmjow pressed the gun to his head, dragging him up, closer to the door so that he and Renji were between the door and Ichigo. His chance to run had passed, and Ichigo immediately began to feel trapped in a corner.

Renji could hardly stand up, knees visibly wobbling. He half-stood there, relying on Grimmjow to support him where he was holding his upper-arm. Ichigo's eyes flicked away from Renji, back to the door, to the phone again. He just breathed heavily for a few seconds, waiting for Grimmjow to say something, to explain whatever the hell he was thinking. As much as he wanted to scream his head off and chew Grimmjow out for this ridiculousness, he knew that he had to keep his cool, at least until he got that gun somewhere else.

"What… what do you want from us?" Ichigo asked breathlessly, jolting a little when Grimmjow fisted a hand in Renji's loose hair, shaking him roughly, waking the bruised man up all the way. Renji's eyes blinked a few times, then focused on Ichigo. They went wide and still when Renji felt Grimmjow pressing the gun to the back of his head.

Ichigo held out a hand, letting it fall as he listened to Renji's panicked raspy breaths, making some noise into the dirty socks that had been stuffed in his mouth. Renji's own bandanna was tied around his face to keep the gag in, and Ichigo realized this with a jolt of horror.

"To negotiate," he answered with a growl. Then he grimaced, eyes flashing with anger. "A little birdie told me that I'm no longer part of our game, and I'm not gonna' be cheated outta' my fair chance. I guess he doesn't get how these things work."

He shook Renji by the hair again, making him grunt in pain. "Huh? You don't just steal someone's prey away." He looked back up to Ichigo, "So, if I'm getting tricked outta' ya', I decided we're gonna' share you." Ichigo suddenly got an image of himself, Grimmjow pinning him down on the bed, forcefully struggling with him as his legs were slowly pried apart.

Was… Was Grimmjow going to make him have sex with both of them at once? Surely, that wasn't what he meant. No, no, he didn't want to even  _think_  about that. Part of him roiled in disgust and fear, knowing that he didn't have any choice if things continued on this way. He didn't want his first time to be painful or forced, he didn't want the first time he touched Renji to be under these circumstances. It wasn't fair, no, no, no.

"What? What, no way!... _No way!_ " Ichigo shouted, scared out of his wits, still maintaining a mask of anger, because if he was angry, he couldn't be panicked or afraid. If he was angry, he could be strong. He needed to stay calm, stay rational, and he could get himself and Renji out of this alive, and maybe with all their orifices intact. Grimmjow was just worked up and upset, that was all. He was just feeling cheated. They could work something out.

For a moment, Ichigo had himself convinced that there was still hope, but then Grimmjow made everything plain and simple for him.

"Okay, how about this: you blow my brains out, or I'll blow  _his_  brains out," Grimmjow threatened, and Ichigo could see that he meant it. Any wrong move could kill Renji, and he knew that Grimmjow had no qualms about pulling that trigger and doing some jail time, because in a few years he'd be out, but Renji would still be dead.

"I… I have to…" Ichigo swallowed, feeling sick, but he saw Renji looking at him in shame. Part of him wanted Renji to tell him not to do it, but he knew that this was their only option. Grimmjow was insane, out of control, and he was seriously putting their safety at risk. He didn't have the option of trying to steal the gun from Grimmjow or trying to run, because he knew Grimmjow would have no problem with shooting one of them. Grimmjow wasn't chicken, he wasn't bluffing, and Ichigo knew it. He had to do what he said.

He nodded in defeat, despite his pride's best efforts, and he could only hope that Grimmjow wouldn't give him that smug grin and try to humiliate him. Feeling nauseous, Ichigo clenched his fists to get his hands to stop shaking. He tried to stay tough, to stay strong and unaffected, but he was feeling light-headed and anxious inside, scared out of his mind that Grimmjow might still decide to kill them after he was done with this. Grimmjow surely wouldn't believe that they wouldn't go to the police if he let them go. What would he do to them?

Ichigo nodded again, breathing shakily, "O… Okay… Okay," he nodded, wiping his face, consenting even though it was all rather dubious and coerced. He hoped Grimmjow would have mercy on his inexperienced mouth. He knew just how large the guy was; his arrogant attitude wasn't in compensation for  _anything._

Grimmjow grimaced, and that was the one thing that seemed off to Ichigo. Grimmjow wasn't being a cocky jerk; he wasn't smug, victorious, or happy about what he was doing. There wasn't that sadistic manic grin that he usually got when he was relishing in violence. There wasn't the crazed laughter or the enthusiasm that came with committing petty crimes. There was a slump to his shoulders, a quiet air of defeat, a slow-burning rage, and a thirst for vengeance. Grimmjow was not happy, arrogant, or prideful. He knew that what he was doing was wrong, that he had sunk extremely low, but Ichigo could feel that Grimmjow was so bitter that he didn't care.

He dragged Renji to lay tied up on the couch, to have a perfect view of what would take place. Renji moaned weakly under the gag, squirming a little to readjust his arms underneath him. His arms were tied behind him with each wrist tied to the opposite elbow. He tried to get up, but flopped back down when the pain in his legs was too much. 

Ichigo muttered at him to just lie still and that everything would be fine. He tried to be brave, strong, and unafraid like Renji always was. He couldn't be weak. He couldn't let Grimmjow know that he had the upper hand. He could make it through this. He could save Renji; he could save  _both_  of them.

Ichigo stood there as Grimmjow beckoned him over, unbelting his pants.

Not comfortable with walking  _towards_  the man threatening him with a gun, he shuffled over, sick to his stomach. He jolted back in alarm when it appeared Grimmjow was making a grab for his crotch. To his relief, Grimmjow had just taken his phone out of his pants pocket. "I'll take that," Grimmjow tossed it on the ground, slamming his heel down onto it, breaking the screen.

Ichigo took a few breaths, standing there awkwardly, not able to stop looking down at Grimmjow's crotch. Did he really have to… Oh, yuck.

When Ichigo didn't start in a timely manner, Grimmjow grew antsy and pissed off, taking something out of his pocket, removing the cap from a syringe. "Don't make me use this," he said, voice a little unsteady, but forceful. "I don't give a fuck whether or not you're conscious, so you'd better get started." Ichigo nodded, jerkily kneeling down in front of the standing man, hands on his denim-covered thighs.

"Renji?" he called a little uncertainly, mouth having gone completely dry. Renji answered with a noise through his gag. "Please… don't watch," he begged in shame, putting a hand over his eyes as he hesitantly snaked the other one up to the bulge in Grimmjow's boxers. It was warm, and harder than he'd anticipated. "Please, just don't watch."

Grimmjow gave a bitter snort, moving a hand to the back of Ichigo's head, half-petting his hair. It wasn't the same now, the same tension he and Grimmjow had had together before. Now it was dark, hopeless, and frightening. He was afraid, no longer curious to see just what they could do. He didn't want to do it like this with Grimmjow threatening their lives.

Ichigo screwed up his eyes, gritting his teeth as he pulled the top of Grimmjow's underwear down, cringing when Grimmjow took his hand and made him touch his pulsating arousal. Ichigo put a hand over his eyes, not wanting to look at the little trail of blue hair or the thing he was going to have to put in his  _mouth._  As far as he was concerned, and from a medical perspective, penises were never meant to go inside of mouths. Ugh, it turned his stomach just thinking about it. Renji was silent in the corner other than his raspy breathing through his plugged-up nose.

"You're gonna' break my jaw," Ichigo said aghast, peeking through his fingers at Grimmjow's hard on. His hand hardly went all the way around it. He didn't want his first time to go this way, with the pressure on him, with the fear of being hurt if he didn't do a good job.

He didn't want to be forced, he didn't  _want_  to, and it was scaring him how helpless he felt. He felt like a little kid throwing a tantrum, knowing that it was futile and that he'd have to eat his asparagus anyway, even if he screamed about it. It was fucking scary to feel so out-of-control, but he kept his trap shut and didn't bother with trying to bargain with Grimmjow further. Maybe he'd get off with just a blowjob; getting away without being raped or shot was a good deal, if you asked him.

"Can't have anythin' breaking your pretty little face," Grimmjow said softly in contrast to his firm grip as he grabbed him by the hair, making him press his face up against his crotch. Ichigo whined in disgust at the musty smell and the moist skin. Oh, he was so embarrassed, but he squinted his face up as he hesitantly started to use his mouth, humiliated that Grimmjow was watching him so closely. It wasn't so bad initially, and he probably wouldn't mind it if it had been his choice - it just tasted salty from sweat, but he had a hard time fitting it in his mouth without scraping it along his teeth. He stuck his fingers down his throat in an attempt to fill his mouth with saliva, trying to quell the nervous sick feeling in his stomach.

He didn't know how to do this, so he had to use mostly guesswork, all the while shaking and cringing away at the taste and the feeling. He didn't like it, not at all, not now that he was being made to do it. 

Apparently, his performance was unsatisfactory, because Grimmjow eventually just grabbed him by the hair, shocking him when he shoved all the way into his mouth. He ignored his struggling and just started fucking his face, sliding much too far down his throat. No matter how much Ichigo gagged and beat against his legs for a chance to breathe, Grimmjow did not let up, holding his head in an iron grip as he thrust his hips against his mouth.

Ichigo, in another situation, would have bitten down to get Grimmjow to withdraw, but he was choking so much that it caused him to panic like a drowning child, so that all logic fled his brain as he desperately tried to pull back or breathe through his nose. He couldn't breathe, and he helplessly clawed at Grimmjow's hips, trying to pry him off his face, but all he could hear were masculine grunts of pleasure and his own gagging, and a bit of Renji's muffled yelling in the corner. He couldn't breathe!

Oh, it was awful. Ichigo was so disgusted that he couldn't think straight, and his mouth was so dry that he wouldn't have been able to talk if he'd tried. Besides that, Grimmjow was rough, fisting his hands in his hair, holding his head still as he choked him by thrusting into his mouth without any regard for his safety.

He nearly threw up, and the saliva that comes before vomiting was filling his mouth, finally lubricating the slide of Grimmjow's dick going down his throat. Finally, Grimmjow let up for a moment, leaving Ichigo sputtering and coughing, gasping like a beached fish. He clutched at his throat, eyes were watering and running down his cheeks. Grimmjow had his hand fisted in his hair, but he just continued to cough, hacking and spitting onto the floor as he gasped for air, gagging every once in a while.

Grimmjow was jerking off then, making him sit there in front of him with his mouth open. Ichigo was so embarrassed, not wanting to have to go through the humiliation of Grimmjow coming onto his face. He flinched when Grimmjow moaned, screwing his eyes shut so he wouldn't get anything in there. Thankfully, Grimmjow didn't do what he had anticipated; he just snarled with bitterness, making Ichigo suck him off for about thirty more seconds, before pulling out and pointing the gun at him again.

He made the breathless man get up and stand against the wall with his arms behind his back. He tied him up, and Ichigo began to shake a little, still woozy from the long period of having no air. He was starting to break down and get extremely frightened, knowing that Grimmjow would rape him now, forcefully and without mercy.

But to his surprise, it was Renji that Grimmjow went for.

"What? Why are you doing this, Grimmjow?! Let us go, let me go!" Ichigo begged, in a raspy voice that burned in his throat.

Oh, as humiliating as this was, he hoped to God that someone would hear, that someone would call the police or send a manager up here. How he hoped a maid would walk in, or that Grimmjow would chicken out, or that some deus ex machina would occur and save them from this. He didn't want to be raped. His hero's attitude of being able to handle everything was breaking, and he couldn't take it. Ichigo never got scared, Ichigo always had a way out,  _Kurosaki Ichigo could always make it_ , but not this time, and it was scaring the shit out of him.

"We can share, I promise, just let me go, please!"

"Sorry. It's too late for that, since cherry-cola over here cheated. He got yer' heart, didn't he," Grimmjow said darkly, with a knowing tone.

"Who the hell cares?! It's not like you ever had feelings for me anyways!" Ichigo screamed, voice cracking as he strained against the ropes tying his arms and legs, flopping down in a chair to keep from falling over.

"Shut up!" Grimmjow shouted then, and Ichigo did, knowing that the worst thing he could do would be to anger the man wielding a gun at them. This wasn't some street fight that he could win by hitting the hardest. This wasn't some bruise or stab that he could let heal; this was a  _gunshot_  they were talking about, and Ichigo was aghast to fully admit that they were truly helpless against this violent maniac- if they valued their lives that is, and Ichigo did.

"It started out as wanting you for a booty call, but it's more," Grimmjow said lowly, shoulders shaking in rage as he approached him and swatted his face a little, making him look him in the eye. "I want… I want you, for me…  _only_  me… I even told you how I felt. Did you think I was lying that day when I said that?"

For a moment, just a short moment, he turned gentle, as if he was considering stopping all this if Ichigo gave in to him, if Ichigo would kiss him and say that he loved him too, but it was plain to see that Grimmjow wasn't that naïve. He turned angry and bitter again in a split second, standing back up and going back towards Renji.

"Please then, let us go!" Grimmjow halted, not turning around, shoulders hunched up around his ears, black leather jacket making him look particularly ominous in the low light. "I'll be with you, and everything will be fine. You don't have to get crazy like this, it'll be okay," he tried to bargain. Grimmjow whipped around with a wild glint in his eyes, and Ichigo clammed up, thinking that maybe he'd finally pushed Grimmjow completely over the edge.

" _You're_  what's makin' me crazy, you fucker! I never feel this way for people, but you're fuckin'  _in my head and it's torturing me!"_ he screamed, "You're making me crazy, crazy in love with you! This is your your fault!..." Grimmjow panted, shoulders shaking. "It's  _your fault!_ "

"Look, Grimmjow, just calm down, this doesn't need to happen. We can handle this like adults," he begged, hoping to spare Renji of death, to spare himself from being violently raped, but Grimmjow just ignored him, moving on, leaving Ichigo hanging.

"I'll show you what happens when you mess with someone's prey," he growled, yanking on Renji's hair, no longer paying Ichigo any attention. He dragged Renji off the couch, letting him slump to the floor as he kicked him a few times to get out some of his excess rage. Then Grimmjow hefted him up and threw him down on the bed.

Ichigo was shaking all over by now. He kept praying that this was a dream, that someone would come help them, but it seemed that this nightmare was going to take its course.

Grimmjow grabbed Renji's knees, causing the red-head's eyes to go wide. He started fighting with the now-struggling Renji, who was straining against Grimmjow's hands, which were trying to force his legs apart.

"What, what are you doing?" Ichigo asked, chills going down his spine. Was he going to… No, surely not Renji…

Grimmjow growled deep in his throat, muscles tightening as he struggled with Renji, slowly prying his legs apart in the same manner that Ichigo had imagined would happen to himself. Ichigo watched with dismay as Renji's strength began to fail, and Grimmjow gained a few inches. Renji's legs tensed, snapping shut again, but then Grimmjow only had to try one more time to pry his legs apart, only mildly struggling now, as Renji was weakening.

Ichigo let out a horrified breath, his voice failing him. Surely, it couldn't be. No… no, not Renji.

Ichigo couldn't see from the angle Grimmjow had Renji pinned to the bed, but from the way Renji was suddenly thrashing around violently, breathing hard through his nose, he could tell that Grimmjow was groping him roughly through his pants.

No, no… Not Renji… It was supposed to be  _him_ , not Renji… No,  _he couldn't!_

"Wait, wait,  _stop!_ " Grimmjow did not stop, leaving Ichigo there to watch as he ungagged the beaten Renji and yanked his clothes off, pinning the weakened man down to the bed on his front.

"Nng," Renji grunted, face in the mattress, feeling Grimmjow on top of him. This new angle allowed blood to rush back into his bound arms, which had both been dead-asleep for hours. He was so stiff that he could hardly move, and the pain of being beaten so badly made it impossible for him to throw Grimmjow off. Besides that, he hadn't eaten anything for almost two days now.

"Stop," he said much too weakly, hardly able to move through the stiffness and pain of being tied up for an extended amount of time, not to mention the beating Grimmjow had put him through with that tire-iron. "Stop, don't… Stop it," he coughed, even lowering himself to begging and saying please.

Ichigo's eyes were big and round, still in disbelief that this was happening. Renji was there on his knees with his chest to the bed, undressed, and beaten all over, and Grimmjow was still hard as a rock… No, no, he wasn't going to, surely not. Grimmjow wouldn't. He'd never do that.

Grimmjow just snarled at Renji's weak pleas, pinning him down by the neck, using Ichigo's still-wet saliva as the only lubricant as he shoved his way inside of Renji with one big smacking sound. Ichigo watched with wide horrified eyes as Renji's body jolted and went rigid, shocked with such sudden intense pain as his muscles split and ripped apart. He immediately screamed at the top of his lungs, eyes wide and pained as he stifled himself by gritting his teeth as Grimmjow began forcefully raping him. He breathed through his teeth, letting out tearful groans, practically frothing at the mouth.

"Stop!  _Stop! Please_ , take me instead!" Ichigo begged, disheartened as he watched blood almost immediately begin to drip down and coat Renji's shaking legs as he was forced to kneel there and take it. Renji was trembling and crying out, all stiffened up and struggling in absolute pain. His muscles were still tight, being torn apart by Grimmjow's merciless thrusts, forcing his hips to meet his even though he was much too big to fit in there without preparation. His insides were breaking and bleeding, turning the thrusts wet and warm. "Please, stop it, take me, I'll do it instead!" Ichigo shouted, absolutely horrified. This had to be a nightmare, it just had to be.

"Che'. Too late now. Much too late," Grimmjow muttered, turning them a little so he could watch their motions more closely. Ichigo almost threw up right there, seeing the blood beginning to soak the bed as Renji began to get louder, wailing in pain, trying to shut himself up by shoving his face into the bed. Renji eventually got himself under control and just endured the pain for a little while until he broke again, beginning to cry and beg for him to take it out.

"No… No,  _no_ ," he begged, "Stop, please stop, it hurts…  _It hurts!"_  he howled, face screwed up in pain. Ichigo could hardly take listening to it. He was going to throw up, right here, right onto the carpet. Oh, this was just sickening.

Grimmjow bit his lips, hips making a loud smacking sound every time he thrust hard into Renji, slapping his ass mercilessly. Renji let out a long low whine, going completely boneless as Grimmjow's strength overtook him, unable to fight anymore against the rough treatment.

Now that he had gotten control of himself, Renji just lay there limp, eyes dazed and almost unresponsive as they stared across the room. Ichigo was in tears then, watching Renji be hurt so badly, knowing that this would break him completely. He'd been raped and molested as a child, and he _still_  had nightmares about it all these years later. What would  _this_ do to him? What would the aftermath do to his mental state? What if there  _wasn't_  an aftermath? What if Grimmjow just killed him after he was done, despite having suggested otherwise?

"Oh my god, please let him go," he pleaded, squirming around in his chair, listening to the sickening squelches of the blood and Grimmjow's low masculine grunts. It was just revolting. The blood on Renji's legs almost looked fake because of how many drips there were, how much skin it was coating, how much it was getting the bed wet.

Grimmjow turned Renji over onto his back, and he just lay there, limp and floppy, chest slightly in the air because of the tied arms under his back. He slapped Renji's face and grabbed him by the throat, making him look up at him as he opened his legs up wide and thrust hard and deep, bringing him back to earth, forcing him to cry out in pain again.

"Huh? You won, huh? You're gonna' fuck him? You're takin' my territory? Well fine, but if you're gonna' take him away from me," Grimmjow growled, "I'm gonna' make sure that  _he'll never want you again_ ." Renji's eyes began to leak profusely, but he no longer made any noise, not satisfied with letting Grimmjow know that he was hurting him, that he was breaking him.

Ichigo could see that Renji was gritting his teeth together, throat convulsing as he struggled not to break down and start blubbering and begging for him to take it out. Even now, Renji was strong, Renji had his pride and his heart, but oh, Ichigo  _didn't_ . Ichigo who could fix anything, Ichigo who put effort into impossible things, Ichigo who could handle everything and who was always in control, he was  _crying_ , crying like a baby. He struggled against the rope binding him, still trying to get Grimmjow to stop and hurt him in Renji's place. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, this was all his fault,  _he_  should be the one being hurt.

Renji just lay there, not numb like the stories made it seem. He felt every inch of the terror, the pain, the humiliation, the same he'd had when he had been a little boy. He wasn't stronger. He was still the same weak useless fuck-doll that he'd been brought up to be. Who would want him now, who would want  _him_ who had been ruined, he who wasn't strong enough to fight against this? He was filthy, just  _filthy_.

Oh how it hurt, oh how much it  _hurt_ , he didn't think he could even  _stand_  this pain. Grimmjow seemed to go on for hours, contorting his body this way and that, never satisfied with having hurt him enough, with having drained every single drop of potential happiness that he could've had. Grimmjow was destroying the rosy future he had dreamed of, and the man knew it.

Ichigo was weeping now, eyes wide, teeth gritted as he watched in never-dulling horror, not able to do anything but watch helplessly. Grimmjow thrust a few more times, starting to orgasm inside of Renji's bleeding body, making a disgusting mixture of blood and cum. He quickly pulled out, forcing Renji onto his back. He stroked himself quick and hard, hand coating itself in blood as he came on Renji's face to further humiliate him.

Then he got up and washed off, leaving Renji's limp ruined body there. He untied them, threw a sheet over Renji, and purposefully put the gun on the other side of the room, like there was no problem anymore, as if he had won and that no beating they could give him would make him any less proud of what he had just done.

He sat on the couch, foot propped up on his knee as he smoked a cigarette with a strange expression on his face. No. Nothing they could do, even killing him with his own gun, could erase what he'd done.

He had taken away their dreams, and he knew it.

* * *

 Ikkaku pounded on the door with all his strength, shaking violently as he listened to Yumichika's soul-wrenching screaming and the  _blows._  Kaa was beating him  _mercilessly_.

At first, he listened to Yumichika plead with Kaa as he ran around the room frantically, trying to escape and reason with him, but Kaa eventually nabbed him and started kicking him around on the floor from the sounds of it. After a quick yelp, there was silence, and Ikkaku judged that Kaa had grabbed Yumichika by the hair and had dragged him off the carpet to look him in the eye.

Ikkaku was silent then, listening with wide eyes as Kaa spoke.

"Now, you and I both know, darling… That you're lying to me." Kaa's voice was still so sweet, so stable. He didn't sound angry at all, and it chilled Ikkaku to the bone. "I know what you've done. I have my methods, and I  _know_  what you did. Don't you remember what has to be done when you lie to me?... Now, why don't you just tell me the truth, hm?" he said sweetly, almost as if he were comforting Yumichika or something. Yumichika began sniffling, and Ikkaku's heart broke completely.

"Yes…" came the wobbly timid answer. "I did it… I slept with another man, Kaa. I was bad, and I've betrayed you."

"And what else?"

"-And I'm sorry," Yumichika said solemnly, as if he had gone through this many times before.

Then there was another sharp cry of pain, and Ikkaku could envision Yumichika being dragged by the hair and thrown down on the bed. Kaa didn't speak or explain himself further at all as if this were routine, as if he and Yumichika both knew what must be done before he could forgive him for his infidelity.

All Ikkaku could hear now was Yumichika's pained cries and frantic attempts to get to the other side of the room, still trying to save himself from Kaa's disturbingly calm violent streak, still trying to get away even though he had just told Kaa that he knew he needed to be punished.

That line Kaa had said earlier was burning itself into his mind. He had reminded Yumichika that he loved him right before doing this, as if he was a parent who didn't want their child to hate them because of the spanking that was coming, as if he was doing this for Yumichika's own good, as if he was telling Yumichika that this hurt him more that it hurt Yumichika, as if this was a thing that Yumichika had  _forced_  him to do. It made Ikkaku want to throw up.

Oh, why hadn't he listened to Renji? Why hadn't he seen the horrible truth when Yumichika had been late to class that day after they'd been caught talking? Why hadn't he known? Was he really that naive as to think that it had all been one huge coincidence or streak of luck? Why on earth had he left Yumichika alone for one single second with this crazed lunatic? This was all his fault, and now Kaa was gonna' kill him.

He was glad at least that Kaa had stopped talking with that chillingly docile tone of his, because it kept giving him images that had nothing to do with what was happening to Yumichika then. If it weren't for Yumichika screaming, he could almost imagine that Kaa was talking about a weather forecast.

"Aaa _aaah!_ " Yumichika's scream pierced the early evening, and Ikkaku could hear how raw it was in his throat, how much pain was in that voice.

"Yumichika!" he screamed, pounding helplessly on the door, hearing the unmistakable sound of a belt hitting skin and the tell-tale cry of pain as the buckle left a huge welt. Yumichika was forced to count all the way up to thirty before Kaa let up, and by then Yumichika was sobbing, hardly able to breathe.

Ikkaku was crumpled against the door, punching it pitifully, and for the first time in years, he was  _crying_ , crying so hard that he could hardly breathe.

Inside the room, Yumichika was being forcefully raped, rougher than he'd ever been before. Kaa had already broken a few of his bones from hitting him so hard, beating him with any and everything in a violent but calm tantrum. All he could do was scream and cry for help, hearing Ikkaku out there trying to get in.

Ikkaku could hear Kaa's grunts, and he could hear the skin and the sticky sound of blood and the slapping of the thrusts, and he could hear the  _blows._

Oh, the screaming, the sound of glass shattering over a hard wooden corner, the 'kssh' sound of Yumichika being stabbed over and over, it was  _torture_. He'd never be able to watch gory movies again, never, never again. Oh god, it was awful, having to hear Kaa hurting him, having to hear him  _raping_  him so badly, beating him to certain death.

"Oh, Yumichika," Ikkaku was crying his eyes out by then, his ears filled with Yumichika's screaming. Those cries of Yumichika begging for someone to come save him were going to haunt his nightmares for a long time. He stopped trying to kick the door down, because it wasn't budging; even he couldn't kick through a steel bolt and reinforced molding. He was forced to slump against it, listening to Yumichika be hurt as he cried and cried into his shaking hand, horrified.

"Oh please, let him go," he begged miserably, still hitting the door as he wept. Oh, his poor angel, his poor, beautiful, little angel was having its wings ripped off, and he wasn't saving him. He was letting him die. "I'll do anything, just take me instead. Have mercy," he pleaded.

It went on for nearly ten more minutes, Kaa beating him almost routinely in a variety of ways. Ikkaku was beginning to realize that it was likely that Kaa never beat Yumichika this severely, and might even be planning on killing him this time due to the seriousness of his infidelity. Oh, if only something had come up, if only he hadn't put Yumichika in danger by bugging him so much. If only he'd left him alone.

Yumichika's cries and struggling grew quieter and quieter as Ikkaku heard a litany of whipping sounds, crackles of metal, and suddenly a huge  _snap_  as something broke.

Then Ikkaku heard the most horrible thing of all: Complete silence.

He listened in panic, heart having stopped dead for a few beats. When there was no other sound but his own breath, he began to cry hard, sobbing into his hand, leaning his forehead on the door. Yumichika was dead, his poor sweet angel was dead. Kaa had killed him, and it was all his fault.

Oh god, if only he'd taken him away with him, if only he'd called the police against Yumichika's wishes before Kaa had come home. Maybe Yumichika's plan would have worked just fine, if Ikkaku had never come over for the weekend and slept with him, but it was too late now, and the mistake had cost him his life.

Then he heard a regretful sigh from Kaa as he called an ambulance to report the injuries and then the police to report the crime, stating everything so plainly that Ikkaku had to wonder what on earth was wrong with this man exactly and how he had fooled everyone so well into believing he was a good person. The man's voice was chilling, and had been silent for most of the beating, as if he wanted Yumichika to feel guilty and stew in his own wrongdoings.

Suddenly, the bolt unlocked in the door, and Ikkaku immediately got up to open it, apprehensive about what he would find.

He gasped, stumbling back, clutching his stomach as he threw up onto the floor of the hallway despite his strong stomach. He coughed and spat in disgust, shaking all over from how horrifying the image of Yumichika laying there was. He lifted his head up to look again, cringing, screwing up his eyes, hardly able to look at him directly.

There was so much blood it was unbelievable. Yumichika was completely naked, spread open wide, and he was so beaten up that he looked like a dismembered corpse. His face hardly resembled a face at all anymore. The upper half of it was a mass of crushed red, and his limbs were at odd angles where they'd been twisted or broken. His backside was completely desecrated, and he'd been whipped so badly with that belt, that there were lacerations all over his upper thighs, no doubt extending up his back. Blood was seeping from beneath his hair-line, and there were stab wounds all over his arms.

Ikkaku's trembling fingers were clamped over his face, breath coming through them shakily. The taste of vomit was still burning in the back of his throat, and his eyes were watering, tears dripping down as he looked at the state Yumichika had been left in. Suddenly, an image of a closed-casket interrupted his tortured thoughts, making him nearly scream into his hands.

Blood was bubbling from Yumichika's lips as a raspy drowned breath drew through his red teeth. He kept jolting and going still every time he took a quick shuddery gasp, sounding as though he had apnea. The twitches were becoming less frequent even as Ikkaku watched.

"Oh my god… Look at… look at you," he cried, approaching Yumichika, but unable to touch him or even  _look_  at him straight. Yumichika's face was hardly even recognizable anymore. His poor, his precious, his  _beautiful angel_ ,  _what had he done?!_

His knees buckled, and he simply collapsed there on the blood-soaked bed, unable to touch Yumichika or even  _breathe_  right. "You sick… you sick… you  _monster!"_ he screamed in despair, hands on the sides of his own face in complete shock that any human being could do this to someone else, and to someone they professed to love. He had no trouble believing that Kaa did indeed love Yumichika; he had seen how he was treating him earlier. What was it that made him snap like this? How could he not feel sick and guilty about hurting Yumichika?

This was  _horrifying_ , almost dream-like. This just couldn't be happening. How he wished the anger would come, the flames of hell that could come like a tidal wave and take away his grief.

' _Oh Yumichika, don't go, don't leave me yet. Please stay here,_ _please_ _.'_

"What? You want him now?" came a flat emotionless voice. "I'd rather you not take sloppy seconds from him. Just leave him there so he can think about what he's done." He sounded so rational that Ikkaku almost felt that this was as normal as Kaa seemed to think. The anger finally came, but not as he wanted it to.

Oh god, the room was completely red, and by now Ikkaku could see nothing but blood. Yumichika's beauty was gone, and now there was nothing to melt the ice from Ikkaku's heart. The anger wasn't hot like flames this time, it was  _chilling_ , infusing his spine with ice, leaving him so cold and desolate that he could hardly stand it. He wanted to leave Kaa with  _nothing._

He had no qualms about beating the living shit out of him, hitting him so hard, over and over, that he was breaking the skin on his own knuckles. He cracked Kaa's ribs and nearly set his jaw out of place, beating him to a bloody pulp, trying to get some of this rage and despair out.

What had he done to his sweetheart? He'd killed him, he'd  _brutalized_  him and tortured him for years. He'd destroyed his precious beauty and his unbreakable pride, he'd taken away Yumichika's fire, his passion, and his  _dreams_. He'd stifled him and forced him to become a ghost, a pale shadow of who he once was. He'd broken a metal golf club over his face, stabbed him with a broken bottle, and had raped him so brutally that he'd probably never be the same again.

Yumichika was going to die because of this piece of shit, and Kaa didn't deserve to have that, he didn't deserve the satisfaction of having someone else pay the consequences of his deed.

Kaa didn't fight back and never made a sound of pain, which just made Ikkaku more furious. "Did you like it when he screamed?!" he shouted at the top of his lungs, digging his fingers into Kaa's arms.

He had to be angry, because if he was angry he couldn't be sad, he couldn't feel the pain quite so keenly if he was enraged. He could focus on revenge, he could deny what was going to happen as a result of Kaa's actions.

"Did you love to make him hurt?!... Did you? Did you like the screaming? How did it feel to rape him like that, huh?! Did it feel good? Did it feel good to fucking  _destroy his face?!_ "

He spat on him, still overcome by furious devastated tears, still feeling so cold inside, slipping back down into a frozen lake of despair. "All he wanted was to feel beautiful, you sick… you sick  _dirtbag  son of a bitch!_"

The police were arriving then, along with the paramedics. A few of the cops stumbled back from the crime scene in shock, unprepared to come upon something so violent. Yumichika's appearance would've been shocking even in the goriest of horror movies, and Ikkaku wasn't surprised when one of the younger police officers had to excuse himself so he could go throw up in the kitchen sink.

"And I've taken that away. I won." Kaa was looking at him with an expressionless face, perfectly calm and composed, even with a bloodied eye and broken ribs. "He'll never be beautiful for anyone else ever again. I'll always have that now…"

Ikkaku just stared at him, rage making him cutthroat, but he kept it in, fists clenching and unclenching.

"Besides, I'm not mad at him for sleeping with you anymore. I bear no ill will or resentment towards him, or even towards you. Now that I've punished him, it's wiped from the record. Things'll be good between us again as soon as he gets patched up, just like always."

Was that supposed to be fine or normal like Kaa was making it sound? If there hadn't been Yumichika's blood on his hands, Ikkaku might have second guessed himself. Ikkaku looked at him in horror, gut twisting. "No… Not this time… You sick… you sick bastard."

"Don't worry, he'll live," Kaa said blandly.

Ikkaku was incredulous, tears running down his cheeks. "You  _beat_  him to death, you idiot, don't you get it?"

"He'll live," Kaa repeated, looking and sounding so sure of it that Ikkaku believed him, as if Kaa had made an art out of learning just how much Yumichika could handle. What Ikkaku didn't understand was that Kaa wasn't angry-sounding, just as Kaa had said. He wasn't upset that Yumichika had slept with him, as if…

Ikkaku suddenly realized why Yumichika didn't mind the punishments. The beating was all the punishment that Yumichika needed from Kaa. Kaa took his tears and his pain as an apology, and the beatings were forgiveness embodied. Kaa never treated him badly or held ill feelings after he was done hurting him, because he forgave Yumichika completely, erased whatever fickle wrongdoing the man had done.

Ikkaku was overcome with an urge to strangle him then, having to be restrained by policemen. "I'll get you!  _I'll fucking get you if you ever come near him or even his fucking grave!_ I swear I'll kill you! I hope you never sleep peacefully again _, you god-awful, pathetic, cowardly fucker!"_

Kaa was put in cuffs and Ikkaku had to run to keep up with the paramedics. One of them had brought a body bag, and Ikkaku started to hyperventilate, nearly losing it  when they wrapped Yumichika's limp body up in a blood-wettened sheet, using it to lift him onto the stretcher. Thankfully, they hadn't already considered Yumichika to be a lost cause.

They had better not take him away, they had better not take him to the morgue, they needed to  _hurry!_ His baby was dying, he could feel it, like air was being sucked from the room as it left Yumichika's lungs. Luckily, the paramedics worked swiftly, and hustled Yumichika away, already getting out shock pads and packets of donor blood.

Ikkaku was always one who lived by the code 'never say die', but he was sure that his luck had run out and that Yumichika wasn't going to make it. He knew deep down that those injuries would be too much and that he wouldn't make it, but he didn't  _want_  it to be over. It just couldn't end like this. So he prayed as hard as he could, begging and shaking all over, pleading for mercy upon Yumichika, his poor, abandoned, lost, little angel.

' _Anything… I'll do anything. Just say the word and I'll do it… Please… Just please don't take him away.'_

As he listened to Yumichika's heartbeat slowly begin to flatline, Ikkaku broke down in the back of the ambulance near the wheels of the stretcher that the medics were crowding around, and cried, cried like he'd lost everything.

' _Happy birthday to me.'_

* * *

  _The worst thing you have ever been is a sore winner._


	17. Trilogy

_I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff, I gave you all that you can drink and it has never been enough._

* * *

Renji lay there for what seemed like an hour, feeling Ichigo shaking him and telling him to get up, telling him he  _had_  to get up and get his clothes on. With help, he sat up, blood drying and crackling all over his legs as he finally peeled himself off the ruined hotel sheets, blood still sticky and warm in some places.

The feeling was finally returning to his released arms, but he still had trouble moving them with precision. Ichigo helped him get his clothes on, and he kept a blank expression as the pain coursed through him, not looking at the man who was sitting over in the corner, smoking a cigarette like all this was no big deal, like he hadn't just desecrated another human being's life. The regret on Grimmjow's face was going to destroy Renji, it would turn him into a wrathful murderous beast, and that couldn't happen. He couldn't let that man take his heart.

Salt water was drying on Ichigo's face, and Renji could see the little dewdrops there on his eyelashes as Ichigo held him, choking back tears. "I can hardly look at you," Ichigo whispered in a cracked voice, mouth screwed up, lips trembling. Renji let Ichigo hold him, numbly feeling the fingers that were digging into his arms as he lay there lifeless still, having no strength after being fucked so forcefully.

He just let Ichigo plaster him to his body, a little comforted by the tight hold of Ichigo's arm, which was holding his head secure to his chest. That was always what calmed him down the most: the heartbeat and the security. Ichigo pet his face clumsily, and Renji could see his lip wobbling. Ichigo never cried, not even over his mother's grave, and it was scaring Renji. Maybe he was dying, maybe he was dying and Ichigo was starting to mourn him now.

Ichigo bit his knuckles, blinking rapidly, backing up a little to see him better. He was just so beaten up and helpless and  _dead_  in the eyes. Renji had been left cold and desolate, left to drown in the consequence of another's wrongful act. It wasn't fair that such a good, strong, loyal person should fall so far, that something like this should happen to him. He hadn't deserved this.

" _Look_  at you,"Ichigoe choked out. "Just look at what he did… I…  _I can't believe you did that, you sick bastard!_ " Grimmjow flinched, turning his face away, perhaps regretting his impulsive course of action. Ichigo didn't care though, because regardless of whether or not Grimmjow was sorry, Renji didn't have that option. Renji would have to deal with this for the rest of his life just because of Grimmjow's loss of control. The only thing that kept Ichigo from shooting Grimmjow through the head was that the man wasn't cocky or proud of this. He wasn't smug or gloating. He looked like he felt  _horrible,_ and that was the only mercy Ichigo would allow him. What was more was that he wouldn't be able to take care of Renji if he went to jail for murder. Renji needed him.

Renji lay there, pain thudding through him with every heartbeat, starting at the core of his injuries and spreading outward in quick sharp lightning bolts of horrible  _horrible_ agony. Oh, it hurt, it hurt so badly that he could hardly take it. He thought he would black out, that he would die, but the darkness just wouldn't come.

Suddenly, all the tears he'd just cried turned to kerosene and Grimmjow's cigarette lit the match and set Renji ablaze. The ice was gone in a split second, and he was left hot and angry, burning all over, particularly intense in his throat. He'd burn him with this fire, he'd send him to hell for this. How dare he do this to him, how dare he bring back his pain?!

He found his strength and slowly sat up, core hurting so bad that he felt like he'd been run through with a cheese grater. His hair dirty and matted, covering half his face, sticking to his teary eyes and the blood on his cheeks. He was seeing red and was hearing angry screaming, and suddenly he realized it was coming from his own mouth and that his hands were strangling Grimmjow, the man who had raped him, the man who had turned him into nothing, into the helpless child he was so long ago, the man who he had suffered endlessly because of. This man had ruined every chance he'd had for happiness.

He fisted his hands in Grimmjow's hair and screamed until his throat bled, shaking him as he choked him slowly. Ichigo was back there somewhere, disturbed at what he was watching - this was a rather violent tantrum, and he didn't know if he should stop Renji, even though he was in the right to want to hurt Grimmjow for doing that to him. He didn't know, he didn't know if he should let Renji snap Grimmjow's neck, if he should let Grimmjow die. After Renji had exhausted himself beating the shit out of his attacker, he was holding him there with muscles shaking from exertion, ready to hurl him off the five-story balcony.

Something stopped him as he looked back at Grimmjow, who hadn't made any move to defend himself thus far. He looked back into those cold blue eyes that had seemed evil not a moment ago; he looked back at the crazed maniac who had brutalized him, and suddenly he saw remorse there in Grimmjow's eyes.

"I'm so sorry." The truth in those words tore Renji apart, it made him  _furious,_  but somehow he was hesitating in killing the broke-down shame he saw in front of him.

Grimmjow had broken him with all of his strength, made him feel so weak, so low, like  _nothing_ , but Renji knew that true strength lies in mercy.

He wasn't like Grimmjow, no. He wasn't going to do something out of anger only to realize his mistake a moment after the sick pleasure of vengeance had faded. No, Renji wasn't like him. After all, what could Grimmjow learn from this if Renji did exactly the same thing as him? Renji had a heart.

He began to shake. The temptation was nearly overpowering, to kill him, to hurl him over the railing, to feel that the crime against him had been avenged. His fist clenched in Grimmjow's shirt, but it was trembling now, and suddenly he changed his mind as much, as he wanted to watch Grimmjow break his back, crack open his skull, and die on the street below.

He couldn't do it.

"Call the police," he choked out, the first words he'd said to Ichigo after the attack. His voice was cracked and tortured, so much weaker than the person he knew himself to be. With a heavy limp, he moved backwards and picked up the gun, pointing it in Grimmjow's direction until Ichigo was done making the call. The gun must've been loaded all along, because Grimmjow stiffened up.

By that point, he was a complete shaking mess as he took Ichigo's hand and got them out of the room, leaving Grimmjow there to stare after them in shock, confusion, and a brutal sense of devastation as the fact of what he'd done fully sunk in. Renji was only able to stand because of the adrenaline pounding through him, struggling to continue as it died down.

There was a maid in the empty neighbor-less hallway who had heard the ruckus, not knowing whether she should enter - she was young and frightened-looking, so they could hardly blame her. She gasped when she saw them, immediately moving to close the door with Grimmjow inside, locking it with a master-key.

Ichigo had stopped acting under the pretense of his denial-ridden mindset that told him that he could always be in control of everything. Ichigo had admitted defeat and was suffering from it, but Renji was still playing so tough, so strong, like he always knew what to do and how to take care of them, even now after he'd just been brutalized. But like Ichigo, Renji was beginning to break and he knew it.

They ditched the gun in the broken elevator, and by then Ichigo was trying to help him walk as his strength failed. The girl following them helped them along, because there were ten staircases to go down due to them being five floors up. The stairs were  _murder_  on Renji's insides. She held Renji under the arm on his other side, helping with holding him up even though she was very small compared to him.

Ichigo ran ahead of them, yelling to the woman behind the desk in the lobby to call an ambulance to take them to the hospital. By the time he got back, Renji was laid out on the landing of the third floor, blood spots appearing on his pants, sweating and shaking all over as the girl wiped his forehead. He was holding her hand tightly as if it was the last thing keeping him on earth.

"They're coming," Ichigo gasped out, approaching, trying to heft Renji back to his feet. "Get up, Renji. You've gotta' get up," Ichigo said in a cracked voice, shaking Renji when he failed to lift him. He tried again, staggering as he pushed Renji up to his feet.

Renji's legs gave out, knees buckling, but after urging from Ichigo, he stood up again, continuing on bravely, even though he hated hospitals and the thought of living with this.

* * *

 

In the end, Yumichika had made it, at least for the moment. His medical report could've been a contender for the record for most injuries survived at one time. It seemed like Kaa had been able to sense _just_ when Yumichika was injured to the absolute most he'd be able to live through, as if he had practiced enough that he could be completely confident when he said 'he'll live'. It was just sick, really. Ikkaku had already thrown up twice in the hospital bathroom, going out of his mind as he sat there in that waiting room.

They had told him that Yumichika was stable at the moment and that he was going to be fine. Well, he would  _live_ that is. He most certainly was not  _fine_ , and would never be the same again. He likely had brain damage given the head trauma from that wedge golf club, not to mention the brutal assault that would probably haunt him for the rest of his life.

Ikkaku had been pacing the waiting room for hours, continually changing his mind between wanting to fill his aching stomach with hostess from the snack machine but not having any appetite for it. He drove the other patients nuts with his endless circling around the coffee table filled with magazines, waiting for them to get done working on Yumichika. That haunting image of him, torn apart like some horror movie extra, was burned inside Ikkaku's eyelids.

Fractured skull, eleven stab wounds, completely shattered cheekbone and eye orbit, three broken ribs, ruptured spleen, internal bleeding, broken fingers, snapped tendons, hypovolemic shock, it just went on and on and on. Ikkaku's stomach turned as he remembered the mess of gore that Yumichika's beautiful face had been reduced to. He'd been told by doctors that Yumichika would need some serious plastic surgery to go back to how he'd been.

Ikkaku had seen tons of soap operas and movies where someone would get hurt and everyone would wait in the hospital for hours, waiting for news on their condition, but he'd never realized what torture it really was to not know, to not be able to  _see_  them. They'd kept him out here in the waiting room of the ER, not letting him see Yumichika or anything. It was really fucking him up.

They had been working on him for hours, which Ikkaku tried to think was a good sign. That meant that Yumichika was hanging on, right? They said that he was stable and that he'd live. Everything would be alright, as long as Yumichika lived.

Ikkaku put his head in his hands, wondering just how broken down Yumichika would be when he was lucid enough to realize what had become of his beautiful face, his perfect body that had once been his pride and joy. Oh, his baby, his poor sweet baby. What if he never walked again? What if he never  _talked_  again? Or slept peacefully or functioned right without a machine attached to him?

Suddenly, his phone rang, bringing him out of his depressed worried stupor. He dragged it out of his pocket, seeing all the bloodstains on his pants, which nearly made him get up to go down to the police station to strangle that crooked monster, to put an end to his sad, miserable, pathetic life. But no, no, Kaa couldn't die, Kaa should have to live the rest of his life knowing what he'd done, knowing that Yumichika would never be his again. Kaa should have to suffer, suffer in a special place in hell. Kaa should  _know_ , he should  _realize what he'd done, and be guilty for it._

"Hello?" he answered into the phone, voice raspy from his sore throat. He was exhausted, but he couldn't sleep. No, he couldn't sleep, it was only six at night so far, and it was  _just_  beginning to get dark. He'd been here for nearly four hours.

"Ikkaku? Are you there?"

"Ichigo? What's the matter?" he asked in concern, hearing the panic coloring Ichigo's voice.

"I need you to drive to the emergency room and meet us there, please. There's been… a horrible thing," Ichigo choked out. "Renji was missing… for a whole day," Ichigo tried to explain through his cracking constricted voice, "And I found an address for a hotel, so I went there looking for him, and… Renji's… he's hurt really badly, and… I think he needs you to be here… to comfort him… because I don't think I can do it like you can."

"What happened?"

"I'll tell you when we get there."

"I'm already here… I've been here for a few hours…"

"What? Why?"

"Yumichika," he choked out, not even caring if he was disturbing the other people waiting in the room with him. He clutched at the phone, covering his eyes as they grew wet again. "His…  _boyfriend_ ," he spat, "did… a bad thing to him. I don't know if he's going to make it." His throat was starting to go tight. "They've been working on him for a long time, and they say that he'll pull through, but… it's bad… It's really bad. His face is… He's not gonna' look right after this."

"Oh my god, Renji was always talking about… Kaa being… Oh my god, I can't believe-"

"Believe it!" Ikkaku shouted, ignoring the nurse at the front desk who was telling him to quiet down. "You'd better believe it, because the injuries didn't just happen by themselves! Kaa wanted him  _dead_ for being with me!"

"Oh my god, this is just awful… No, Renji, Yumichika's been hurt… yes, bu-… No, no, Ikkaku's already at the hospital… Kaa did it… No, lay down, lay down. Okay, Ikkaku we're pulling into the drive right now… He's… he's been beat up real bad."

"By who?"

"Jaegerjaquez." Ikkaku slammed the phone shut, gut clenching in absolute fury, knowing all about how he liked to tease Renji by fooling around with Ichigo.

The wing to the ER opened, and Renji was being wheeled in on a stretcher. The paramedics kept trying to push on his chest to make him lay down, but Renji was gripping the sides of the stretcher, eyes stricken as he kept trying to pry himself up into a sitting position. Ichigo came after, looking harassed and very pale in the face. Ichigo stayed behind as Renji was taken away, having to sign them in and wait for some news.

Ikkaku and Ichigo had just begun to exchange horror stories, when they heard some commotion coming from outside the room. After listening to some shouting and crashes, Ichigo's eyes got really wide. He grabbed Ikkaku's wrist, yanking him through the double doors and down the hall before security could nab them.

Renji's strength had returned along with his panic. He was freaking out and throwing a fit, screaming 'no, get away' over and over at the top of his lungs as he ran around in the hallway, not wanting the paramedics to get him and strap him down to the bed. Ikkaku nabbed the poor guy by the arms before he could hit a hospital employee in his panic. He wrapped his own arms around Renji tightly, not letting him move. Ichigo grabbed him from the back, telling him to calm down and that they were trying to help.

Even though they were his friends, Renji had been tied up earlier, so this wasn't the best thing for him at the moment, even if it was necessary. Renji was shaking and breathing choppily, and Ikkaku knew all about his fear of needles and doctors, having been living in a hell hole with drug addicts and crooked cops when he was a child. Renji didn't trust any type of authority, and definitely not ones that were meant to be in charge of his health.

Ikkaku pressed Renji's head flat to his chest and held him there, not letting him move. He almost caved in when he heard his scared begging. Renji never broke down and sounded like this,  _never._ Renji was  _strong._

"Please, Senpai, please don't let 'em get me," he pleaded, and Ikkaku just patted his back, not able to look back into the eyes, the eyes that suddenly looked so young, so much like the ones he'd seen back in middle school. "You've gotta' help me, Senpai, I don't wanna' be here. Don't let 'em take me,"

"Shh," Ikkaku answered back, glaring at the paramedics so fiercely that they staved off from just snatching Renji and dragging him back to his room just yet.

"This is why I wanted you here," Ichigo said, holding Renji tighter as he struggled loudly. Renji was getting upset and frantic now, realizing that his friends were going to hand him over to the doctors. "He can't be by himself." The paramedics ushered all three of them into the room, and Ikkaku had to fight with Renji, who was clinging onto the door frame, kicking his legs as Ichigo tried to drag him in.

After Renji's grip broke, they carried him to the bed and pinned him down. They used the wrist-straps to Ichigo's dismay, but he knew there really wasn't any other way with Renji practically breaking people's noses trying to get away. Renji strained against the straps, growing even more panicked, getting Ichigo a little choked up. Ikkaku turned around, head in his hands as he took a breath.

A nurse approached cautiously with a syringe filled with sedative, no doubt, and Renji just about had a heart attack, thrashing around and swearing at the top of his lungs, blood starting to soak the crotch of his pants again.

Ikkaku told her to hold off on it for a moment, and she retreated, leaving Renji panting and shaking all over, the poor guy. Ikkaku understood then, when he saw the dark stains on Renji's pants. Renji needed to take a rape kit, and he didn't want to. Ichigo had thought that he might do better comforting Renji, being his senpai, and might do a better job persuading him than Ichigo could.

At Ichigo's request, the medics backed off a little, letting Ikkaku talk to him for a little while, calming him down, rubbing Renji's feverish forehead. Renji's energy seemed to have drained then, as he whimpered at the slightest movement of his legs, elevated heartbeat probably making the pain return full force. Renji panted, forehead sweating under Ikkaku's palm. Ichigo squeezed Renji's hand tight where it was pinned down, leaning down and kissing it, rubbing it with his thumb as Ikkaku tried to talk sense into him.

He told Renji that they needed the hard evidence or his attacker was just going to get off scott free. "We need to take care of this, Renji," he said firmly. "If you're broken, we gotta' fix ya'. They're gonna' make ya' all better," he said, as if he were talking to a crying child. "If you're bleeding this much, it's bad. They need ta' take a look at least."

"I don't want to do it, Senpai, I don't want them to look," Renji begged miserably, telling them that he didn't want anybody touching him anymore, or for them to know what happened, "I can't stand it, I just wanna' go home, Senpai. Please don't let them do it, I don't want to," he pleaded, getting stuck on his words, repeating them over and over even as they assured him that everything would be fine.

"You've got to, Little Red. You know I'm right. How else are we gonna' take care of Yumichika? Let them fix you up, tough guy," Ikkaku said comfortingly, rubbing his arm and his sweaty forehead. Poor guy. He'd seen Renji like this before, and it made him sick to think that he'd fallen this far again. "You're gonna' make it, ya' hear me? You're gonna' get through this. Ichigo's gonna' stay here with ya' and watch ya', okay? He'll keep ya' safe from these guys. That'll make ya' feel better, right?" Renji nodded, a little comforted as he eyed the nurses distrustfully. Ikkaku ruffled his hair a little, moving it out of his eyes.

"There, ya'll be just fine. Good luck, man." Ikkaku patted his head.

"Please, can Ichigo stay?" Renji asked the nurses pitifully as he finally gave in and let them take off his clothes and put him in a hospital gown. They had to take his clothes as evidence to the crime, putting them in a sealed plastic bag.

"As long as you can control yourself," the hospital personnel said wearily - whether it was to Ichigo or Renji, it wasn't clear - telling Ikkaku to go back to the waiting room. Since Renji had lost all energy, shaking and panting from exhaustion and stiffness, they deemed it was now safe to stick him with a needle to put him on some morphine. Renji had been so tired and scared that he'd gotten completely pitiful, sweating all over and on the verge of tears as Ichigo held his hand and told him to pretend it was a bee sting.

That seemed to help him get through his fear, but Renji still didn't even dare to breathe until the needle was out of his arm. Then, they attacked some braces on the bed and put Renji's legs up on them since he could no longer hold them up by himself. Renji sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, glad for the break as they prepared the rape kit.

Ichigo just held Renji's hand, feeling that it was better to keep silent for a while than to keep reassuring him. Renji was still bleeding a little, getting the bleached sheets wet, but the nurses didn't move to help him yet, first collecting the evidence. After all, a rape kit wasn't about healing the rape, but about proving that a rape had occurred.

Renji squeezed Ichigo's hand so tightly that he was grinding his knuckles together as they finally approached, using cotton swabs to collect blood samples, tweezers to collect hair samples, and glass slides for any other bodily fluids. Renji lay there bravely, no longer shaking as he gave a graphic description of the crime for them to take down. It would help his case if he could retell the same story again in court.

Then they came with a needle and a speculum, which caused Renji to visibly cringe, making him squirm and itch all over. Ichigo patted his hand where he was still pinned down, telling him that it'd be okay, that this would all be over soon. Renji seemed to take comfort in his presence, asking Ichigo to come sit closer to him, to wipe his forehead since he couldn't with his hands strapped down.

Then a doctor came in, and Renji flopped back in exhaustion and humiliation, listening to the guy try to reassure him that this would all be over and done with very quickly, and that he just needed a few stitches to minimize infection. After that, the man told him that he'd be able to leave afterwards and not stay overnight. Renji swallowed and nodded bravely, knowing that if he got through this, he would be all done. Ichigo told him to close his eyes, but he didn't, saying that he'd rather watch to know when the pain was coming.

Renji stiffened up and groaned in pain when they injected the speculum to pry him apart, so they could see how far back the tear went. "Ow... Ow-ow, ow, ow, ow," he hissed, eyes getting wet again as he gripped Ichigo's hand. He started bleeding more profusely, the rip being stretched further, and he nearly started to cry as they injected a painkiller directly into the wound so that he wouldn't feel it when they sewed him back together.

Renji was breathing hard now, gut tensing up as the numbing agent started to take effect almost immediately, and then he relaxed back, sweating all over. The poor guy had had his arms tied down now for the better part of the last day and a half. Ichigo leaned in and started petting his hair, stroking his beat-up face gently as they made quick work of stitching up the rip, only needing three little knots. They snipped the ends close and put little plastic caps on them so that the metal wouldn't stab him when he clenched up.

Renji let Ichigo stroke his knuckles, and after they were done, the nurses gave him a few stitches for his broken nose where the skin had split, some medicine for the pain, and some bandages on his other wounds. Then they let him leave, as there was nothing more that they could do for him but tell him to see a doctor to prescribe some antibiotics, and also to tell him to clean thoroughly and put ice on his bruises when he got home. Ichigo fended them off, because being a med student, he would do just fine keeping Renji from getting infected. Renji had been traumatized enough by this whole ordeal. He wasn't going to make him be looked at by strangers anymore.

Finally, Renji was left alone, given some generic clothes to put on: a white t-shirt and sports pants. Ichigo had to practically wrestle them on, given how difficult it was to dress an adult who was a dead-weight at the moment. It was torture to see Renji's horribly marred skin, especially his back.

Renji then pried himself off the table on stiff wobbly legs, walking very gingerly. Everything hurt, and Ichigo didn't even ask if he needed help, not wanting to wound his pride anymore. He just put one of Renji's arms over his shoulders, using his own arm to hold Renji around the back of his torso, helping him walk out on bare feet.

Renji had acted as though he felt fine enough to get up and go home, but Ichigo knew better, knowing that Renji was only putting on a tough act so that he could go find out what happened to Ikkaku and his poor senpai. Ichigo had told him the small bit that Ikkaku had told him earlier, and Renji was extremely upset over it, so much so that he was putting his own pain aside.

When they came back into the lobby of the ER, they immediately saw Ikkaku with a vicious scowl on his face, arms crossed, foot tapping erratically on the floor. Ichigo halted and got in front of Renji when he saw Grimmjow waiting there with a tissue on his bleeding nose, being held in a chair by a cop as he waited to be seen by non-urgent care. The other patients were staring, and a little boy was chirping away to the police officer, who was talking back, not relinquishing his grip on his detainee.

Renji steadied himself by putting his hands on the backs of Ichigo's shoulders, swaying where he stood. Grimmjow was bashed up and bleeding all over, staining the white linoleum tiles, and Ikkaku looked like he wanted to rip him a new asshole.

Ichigo stood between them, just in case Renji would start freaking out at the sight of his attacker or something, but Renji didn't, just staring at Grimmjow without blinking. Grimmjow grew visibly uncomfortable, dropping his gaze almost immediately, scratching at the back of his neck, and then at his nose, and then his cheek, changing position. Renji just stared at him solemnly whenever Grimmjow looked up to check if he was still looking.

The guy seemed to be stewing in his own guilt, nearly crawling out of his skin, and it made Renji feel just a little better to see him squirm. He knew that Grimmjow was sorry at least, and that made him feel a little better too - at least he wasn't being a cocky asshole about all this.

Ichigo quickly nabbed Renji by the upper arm again when he started to sway a little, letting him lean onto him heavily as he helped him move over to sit by Ikkaku. Renji eventually batted Ichigo's hands away, walking with a heavy limp, visibly trying to battle against the pain, as if he wanted to prove to Grimmjow, or perhaps to himself, that he was still strong and that he hadn't been destroyed by this.

He lowered himself down very gingerly, letting out a soft groan as he let his full weight rest on the chair. Ichigo tried to hold his hand for comfort, but he slipped it out, leaning forward, letting his hair fall over his face. Ichigo suddenly realized that his hair tie was gone, and became bothered by it, knowing that Renji was really self-conscious about being seen in public with his hair down. He'd ask a nurse for one the next chance he got, because he didn't want to leave Renji alone here with Grimmjow in the room.

Ichigo wasn't hurt when Renji brushed off his attempts at comfort, understanding that Renji didn't want to be touched and that he was jumpy and skittish. The poor guy just wanted to go home. Ichigo would tuck him in bed, put on one of those car-fixing shows that Renji liked, order him some chinese food, and maybe rub his feet - which were probably one of the only undamaged parts of his body.

For then though, right then, Ichigo just glared back at Grimmjow as if he could set his head on fire if he projected his anger strongly enough. Grimmjow just put his elbow on his knee, hand up to block the gaze, unable to look back at them. Ichigo could see him fidgeting and biting his lips, but he felt no sympathy. Renji was a big enough person to forgive Grimmjow, but Ichigo wasn't.

"I hope you two are cellmates in hell," Ikkaku growled across the room at Grimmjow, who just cringed, eyes on the floor. Ikkaku shut up when the cop asked him not to talk to his suspect. Ichigo looked like he agreed completely, but left him alone, seeing that Grimmjow's own shame would be enough to eat him alive for years to come. It had been an accident, a stupid impulsive mistake, and Ichigo understood that, but what made him angry was that 'sorry' didn't erase the consequences that Renji was going to have to live with.

"You're gonna' be okay," Ikkaku said lowly to Renji, putting an arm around his shoulders, patting his back. Renji let Ikkaku touch him, even going so far as to flop onto his side, letting him hold him for a while, but he still didn't let Ichigo even look at his face. He seemed to be ashamed, not wanting to be touched by him.

"Yeah, we'll be okay… Yumichika too… We'll all be okay," Ichigo said. "We have a lucky star." Renji suddenly got up, limping to the double doors again, holding his stomach as he looked for the bathroom.

* * *

 

_When life before is only a memory  
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place_


	18. Gorgeous

_I’ll stay with you but remember, be careful what you do, cause’ I’m not bulletproof._

* * *

Renji sat there on the toilet seat, pants around his ankles, breath shaky as he wiped himself over and over. The toilet paper was always wet with blood and showed no sign of drying. He could feel it starting to drip down, to collect in there where Grimmjow had split his muscles. His upper legs were sticky and looked like they were coated in dried ketchup, which the nurses hadn’t cleaned off. Renji couldn’t feel the pain of the actual tears, but he could feel the ache in his passage, and the burn of the rough entry, and the warmth and wetness of the blood.

He bit his lips, trying to clench up despite the stabbing pains that shot up his lower back and stomach when he did so. At least he could still tighten up if he chose too, which was a good sign. He wasn’t completely broken down there, then.

His throat began to tighten up again as he thought about what future problems he might have. Harassment from Grimmjow’s loyal cohorts, horrible nightmares with renewed material, little appetite, incontinence, dropping out of school, being unable to work, Ichigo… Ichigo being unable to look at him straight ever again.

How would Ichigo ever be able to look at him and see strength?

He got up, rolling up some toilet paper and put it in his underwear to catch any blood that might spill out when he coughed or sat down too hard. He flushed the toilet and limped out towards the sink, holding the edges of it as he looked at his bashed up face in the mirror.

Ichigo… Ichigo would never look at him and see strength again. He would never see him as reliable, tough, or brave, or able to take care of him. He couldn’t even defend or take care of _himself_ , and Ichigo had seen him so helpless and weak, so pitiful and… broken. Ichigo would no longer respect him, Ichigo would no longer depend on him, Ichigo would _leave._

Renji put a hand up to his eyes, biting his wobbling lips as his throat tightened up. He heard the door open, but did not move, hoping that the stranger would just use the toilet and leave him alone before he started bawling. The grief and the shame was coming now, and he had to let it out; he had to mourn, or it would stay in and torture him.

“Renji… I… You’ve been in here awhile, so…” came Ichigo’s gentle cautious voice. Renji winced; he loved it when Ichigo was so sweet and concerned like that, but not now, not now that Ichigo thought he was some broke-down shame who had been defiled and covered in filth. Ichigo would always think of him as a baby now, as someone who he needed to tread on eggshells around, someone who had let themselves be soiled.

“I’m no different, am I,” he choked out, and he was upset that the tears were finally coming now, that the hurt, humiliation, and trauma of the assault was finally coming back to him now that Ichigo could see him. He was trying so hard not to break down, but he knew that it was futile. Ichigo was going to see him right now, at the moment he lost it and fell apart. “I used to think that I was better than before… that I’d moved on and gotten stronger, but I’m still just a fucking kid who can’t defend himself.”

Ichigo didn’t say anything, and the only sound in the bathroom was Renji’s wavering voice. “I’m nothing… I’m not brave or strong like I pretend. I‘m no different than I was then, when they were sellin’ me and lettin’ me get raped for money. I shouldn’t even be alive, I’m a _parasite_ ,” he rasped, knuckles tightening on the porcelain of the sink as his shoulders began to shake.

“It’s not fair.” It wasn’t fair that Grimmjow could do that and turn him into this weak mess, into this person who had nothing, no resilience or fight left. It wasn’t fair for Grimmjow to destroy him and send him back to the hell he’d lived in for so long. It just wasn’t fair that he had to go through this pain, he wasn’t a bad person, right? What had he done to deserve this? His chest and gut clenched in grief and pain as he clutched at his own body, aching all over, even in his heart, in his mind, his soul, his _bones._

He started to weep, hearing it echoing off the bathroom walls as tears rolled down his cheeks. His face scrunched up in an ugly crying expression, and he fisted a hand, leaning against the wall as he lost control of himself. He moved a hand to cover his mouth as he shook, breathing in shuddery gasps as he sobbed quietly. Ichigo hesitated behind him, knowing that big strong men usually don’t want to be touched when they cry, but he saw Renji’s knees start to buckle and he didn’t hesitate to grab him.

Renji needed to be held then as he collapsed on the bathroom floor, crying and repeating over and over that it wasn’t fair, that it just wasn’t fair. Ichigo, with those strong shoulders that could hold up the entire universe, sat down near him and hefted him into his comparably smaller lap, rocking and hushing him, holding his head tight to his chest like someone comforting a crying child, knowing that it was really soothing for Renji.

Renji just lost it then, crying into Ichigo’s chest, throat burning as his eyes watered. His quiet sobs echoed in the bathroom as he whined and sniffled, getting Ichigo’s shirt wet with tears and snot. “Sh, sh, sh, shhh,” Ichigo hushed him, holding him securely and rocking him, moving back to block the door with his back. “Shhh, Listen to me… Are you listening?”

“Yes,” Renji cried pitifully, trying to get a hold of himself, eyes leaking like little rivulets, turning his cheeks moist, raw, and red.

“I was going to pick you. That’s why this happened… He knew that he’d lost, and he couldn’t handle it… I picked you.” Ichigo was silent for awhile, listening to Renji’s cries. He’d never heard him cry like this, never so broken, helpless, and needy, and… _devastated._ Renji never shook like this, and it was scaring him.

“That night I came back to find you gone… I… I had been planning to tell you that I wanted to be your boyfriend… I still want to.” Ichigo patted Renji’s back, still clutching his soggy head to his chest. “Hm? How does that sound?...” Renji started sobbing, getting his t-shirt wet as he clung to him, needing to be rocked a little. Ichigo could hear him through his blubber-talk, deciphering that Renji couldn’t believe he still wanted to date someone who was crying like this, somebody who’d been defiled and cast into the pits of hell and permanent shame. Ichigo knew that this was one situation that it would be inappropriate to ever call Renji a drama queen. “You don’t really think that, you’re just upset… It’s okay to cry, get it all out… I also wanted to tell you that… I wasn’t bullshitting you last night… I really think I’m falling in love with you…”

Hearing himself say it aloud again, hearing it echo off the bathroom walls, that somehow made it real to Ichigo, and it gave him the confidence to say it again without any uncertainty. “I _love_ you... I love you, Renji… I love you, and nothing’s gonna’ change that, not even this. You don’t have to be ashamed or alone… Cause’ I love you... Did you hear me, stupid?” Ichigo asked, stroking Renji’s hair. “Do you know why?”

“No,” Renji choked out miserably, tears seeping from his red eyes onto his already raw cheeks. He lay there pitifully, wet face plastered against Ichigo’s chest, held there by a tight comforting arm.

“Because you’re strong,” Ichigo answered, tipping Renji’s chin up, looking into his pitiful wet face. “And brave… and loyal… You’re perfect to me,” he whispered, leaning in a little. “I love how you love me… The way you look at me makes me feel like I’m special… and I feel like I can be brave and strong so that I can deserve to stand next to you… and fight next to you,” Ichigo whispered, still holding his head tight to his chest, bringing his shaking fingers up to kiss them lightly.

“I love how strong you are, all the time. You always know. You always handle everything when I can’t, you’re always there, and you always take care of me. You’re strong. That’s why I love you.”

Renji was choking pitifully, weeping, still needing to be held and stroked, still needing comfort now that he had gotten himself going. Ichigo patted his back and rubbed him soothingly like he was petting a cat. “I was gonna’ tell you that I love you that night, and I was gonna’ try ta’ kiss you… I couldn’t wait to see how happy you would be… I thought about it all day. It’s not fair for us to have moments of happiness stolen away, because of him, right? Things should still be peaches and crime.”

“Cream,” Renji gasped, still sobbing quietly to himself, hardly able to breathe or talk normally anymore.

“That’s right,” Ichigo rocked him a little, humming to comfort him. ”Can I kiss you?... Like I was going to then? It’s hardly a confession without a kiss, right?”

Renji looked up at him, still crying and shaking all over as Ichigo inched forward, trying to divine whether it was okay to touch him while he was like this. Ichigo leaned that last little bit forward and kissed him on his bruised mouth, holding his face gently. Renji could hardly take it that Ichigo was initiating a kiss now, that he still thought of him that way, that he still wanted to be his boyfriend and take care of him even though he was ruined. He was trying so hard to keep himself from starting to bawl like a child.

“No, no, sh, sh, shhhh, it’s okay,” he whispered onto Renji’s lips, which were wet with tears, quivering as Renji tried so hard to keep his sobs in, not wanting to cry right in Ichigo’s face. It was breaking Ichigo’s heart that Renji was so hurt and defeated, so vulnerable. “It’s all gonna’ be okay,” Ichigo said as he kissed him again, stroking his hair in a soothing rhythm.

“I don’t hate you, I’m not angry with you. I don’t think you’re disgusting, or ruined, or weak in some way. None of this is your fault… We’re gonna’ be okay, it’s okay to cry,” he held Renji tight again, hefting him up into a standing position, helping his trembling boyfriend over to the sink.

He leaned him against one, letting him half-sit on it as he wet some paper towels. “Stay right there, Ren-chu,” he said affectionately, feeling horrible that Renji was so weepy and broken, wanting to take care of him like Renji always had for him. Renji had helped him through illnesses and wisdom-tooth surgeries and broken limbs, and Ichigo suddenly felt his heart expand, filled with so much love and care, wanting to give that poor crying man the world, to make him smile and do stupid things again, like wear tacky bandanas and pick fights and call him blossom and rosebud and other idiotic shit.

Ichigo knew that they could get through this if they could just take care of each other, and Yumichika as well, of course. They could look after him now that he had nothing, no house, no money, no provider, and of course, Ikkaku would be willing too.

He wiped Renji’s eyes with a slightly damp towel, to keep from rubbing his skin raw. Renji had by then started to pull himself together, taking those involuntary shuddery breaths that follow a crying fit. Renji was looking at him with those reddened eyes, so miserable and pathetic that Ichigo wanted to hold him some more. The redder-head looked at him, still shuddering from the quick intakes of breath racking his form, watching Ichigo in wonder at how kindly he was treating him, trying to help him feel better.

Ichigo helped Renji blow his nose and wiped his yucky cheeks with the wetter paper towels.“There, all fixed, Red,” Ichigo said kindly, kissing him on the bruised temple, letting him move in front of one of the sinks. Renji bent over awkwardly in pain as he filled his hands with cold water, washing his face a little. Ichigo patted him dry with another paper towel, and then stood behind him, only having to reach up a little bit to comb his fingers through his tangly unwashed hair.

Renji seemed to calm down then, growing almost tired as he let Ichigo slowly work out the snarls like he always would on lazy Saturday nights. Renji loved having his hair played with, having a sensitive and easily-relaxed scalp, and soon he was practically purring under Ichigo’s hands as he helped him tie his hair up with a borrowed ponytail holder, even though he didn’t know how to make a ponytail. After it was up and out of the way, Ichigo dabbed at a few of Renji’s wounds, wiping the blood off so gently that Renji could hardly feel it.

“We’ll fix ya’ up at home, but… just a little bit, here,” Ichigo said absently, tongue sticking out of his mouth as he worked on Renji’s face, washing dried blood away from his eyes.

Oh, how he loved it when Ichigo took care of him. When he had been younger, he’d actually _tried_ to get sick so that Ichigo would become docile and caring towards him. The way Ichigo was looking at him as if he was still some unbreakable warrior, patching him up so nonchalantly and sweetly, it actually made Renji feel a little better.

And then, the light from the angel’s heaven started shining on him, as he let the fact hit him full force. Ichigo wasn’t joking, or doing this out of guilt or duty. Ichigo had been planning to choose him, Ichigo _loved_ him and was going to live with him, sleep next to him, and let him kiss him for the foreseeable future. Ichigo was his _sweetheart_.

“Isn’t that better?” Ichigo murmured, holding him loosely from behind. Renji nodded, sniffling. Ichigo helped him blow his nose again and threw the paper towel away, taking one of Renji’s hands in his own. Renji curled his hand around Ichigo’s, relishing the feeling of warm and _willing_ fingers between his.

“Now, gimme’ a kiss… babycakes,” Ichigo teased, using the same sappy name that Renji had teased him with the other day. He smiled a little bit as Renji cautiously put his arms around him, burying his face in his neck as he replied with ‘shut up, sugarplum’.

“There, we’ll be just fine,” Ichigo mumbled, rubbing his back, letting Renji plant a hesitant kiss on his mouth, as if he didn’t really believe that Ichigo still wanted him now after this had happened. “We’ll be okay. You have me now, everything’s fine. I’ll take care of you,” he smiled.

“You fuckhead…. Aishiteru,” Renji said with a straight-face, eyes still red and raw, voice still raspy and cracked. Ichigo just smiled, and Renji smiled back a little too for the first and last time that night.

* * *

 

Of course, Renji was heartbroken when he heard what had befallen his beloved senpai, realizing what he had let happen. After all, he had pretty much _known_ what was going on, and hadn’t taken any real action, and here Yumichika was, nearly dead.

“I knew that guy was doing something, but Yumichika would always defend him like that, sayin’ he was the best boyfriend ever,” Renji said, wiping his nose with an upset expression. “I shouldn’t have listened, I never should have listened… He’s like my older brother…. like my parent, or like my best friend from childhood now that Rukia’s gone. I shoulda’ clobbered that bastard or made him break up with Yumi’. I shoulda’ _done_ somethin’,” he kept repeating.

“How bad was it?” Ichigo asked with a hint of dread. Ikkaku looked up at him morbidly.

“He looked dead… I thought he was dead… Worse than some horror movie… He’s…. His whole face…. he got beaten so bad, that Kaa broke a fucking golf club over his face, that’s how _bad_ it was,” Ikkaku said in upset. Ichigo put a hand over his mouth.

“Oh my god, that’s awful.”

“They say he’s gonna’ make it?” Renji asked solemnly. Ikkaku nodded. “That means you’re meant to be together.”

“Why?”

“Your luck’s rubbing off on him, that’s why.”

“The fuck, you call this _luck?_ ”

“He’s alive, isn’t he?” Renji said with a dreary tone. “Same with me. I’da’ rather been shot,” he whispered raspily, glad for the support when Ichigo squeezed his hand, keeping him from collapsing in the hallway again. He was in a lot of pain, but he was pounding through it to prove to himself that he could make it. “I hope he’s gonna’ pull through.”

“You all can see him now. Please keep your voices down in the patient’s room.”

* * *

 

They stood there huddled around the bedside as the doctor explained what had happened. Ikkaku didn’t really need the explanation or the horrifying depiction of what he’d already basically witnessed, and he hated the descriptions of the brutal injuries.

Yumichika’s left cheek and eye orbit had been so broken that it would’ve been more accurate to describe them as shattered, and a plate had been put in, as there was no way to reset the bones. That had been closed up with a few stitches. His face, even bandaged up like that, was horribly bruised, and still a little blood-stained. To keep it from looking like there was a crater in it, or that it was caved in, they had restructured his cheek and part of his skull, laying skin on top of it that had been grown in a lab. Ikkaku wished they had bothered to wipe off more of the blood. The doctor’s hadn’t really cleaned Yumichika off at all, - the same with Renji - just doing what was needed and nothing more.

Yumichika’s skull had a hairline fracture, so the back of his head was wrapped up, the bandages melding with the ones over his left eye and broken chek. His ribs had been wrapped, and the stab wounds all over his chest and arms had been sewed up and covered with gauze. His broken fingers were in a soft cast, and there were IVs all over his stick-like arms, leading to drip nutrients and blood bags. Yumichika had lost so much blood for so long that he’d gone into hypovolemic shock, not to mention months of malnourishment.

Ikkaku glared at the hospital personnel when they suggested that Yumichika go see a plastic surgeon in the future to ‘fix’ his face. Yumichika’s appearance wasn’t something to be ashamed of; it wasn’t like it was Yumichika’s fault that he was this way. He hadn’t _asked_ for this, and he wasn’t disgusting to look at or something; He wasn’t a freak. At least they’d had enough sense not to say it straight to Yumichika. It would’ve broken the poor thing’s heart to hear that somebody thought he was ugly or deformed.

Yumichika woke up after about twenty minutes of them sitting at his bedside. Security had thankfully decided not to kick them out, and the nurses had left them alone for awhile. Yumichika’s visible eye fluttered, his cheek twitched, and then his face immediately scrunched up in pain as his limbs jerked, one hand rising to feel over his face.

He was confused and weepy, eye prying its way open, realizing that he was no longer at home. Ikkaku leaned forward to wipe the mucus from the corner of his eye with a napkin, holding his uninjured hand as the doctor came in and retold Yumichika what had happened and what they had done to fix him.

Yumichika took it all rather well, staying silent and nodding at appropriate intervals, looking sleepy and sad. This must have all happened before: waking up in the hospital after being beaten to unconsciousness, Kaa at his bedside taking care of him. Yumichika was looking around, seeming to be looking for someone, but unable to find them.

That was when they all found out that Yumichika had lost an eye. The horror that flashed over Yumichika’s face stayed stuck there in Ikkaku’s mind for years, breaking his heart.

Ichigo and Renji were speechless as well. They’d all thought that he’d just been beaten up, not that they’d been unable to save the eye at all.

“No,” Yumichika rasped, shaking his head weakly despite the crack in his skull, “No, no, you’re wrong,” he grew weepy, curling inwards and putting his hand over his face in despair as if he were trying to prove to himself that this was a nightmare, that his other eye was still there under the bandages. The doctor was obviously not one for emotional displays, because he patted Yumichika’s foot in guilt and excused himself.

“No, this can’t be, it just can’t be,” he blubbered, shaking, not feeling any movement or sensation under the bandages other than the intense ache and pain of his damaged cheek. “He’s lying… H- No, it’s not true.” Ikkaku held him, feeling a little choked up himself. Renji had been quiet since they’d been informed of this, kneeling by the bed with his face pressed into Yumichika’s middle, holding him and crying silently into his stomach. Ichigo just stood there, biting his lip and patting Yumichika’s feet.

Yumichika began begging for a mirror, picking at his bandages, wanting proof that this wasn’t real. They gave him one as a nurse came in to change the gauze, peeling the surgical tape off of Yumichika’s face so she could unwrap some of the cotton, leaving his head-bandages on, which were protecting the part of his skull that needed healing.

Ikkaku held it there in front of his poor bashed up face, and Yumichika’s immediately looked horrified, putting a hand over his mouth as he looked at the change in his facial structure where the plate had been put in. “Oh no,” he whispered, hardly able to speak through his tight burning throat, shaking his head as tears rolled down one side of his face. “Just look at me,” he wept, hand coming up to ghost over the stitches and discolored skin, the bashes and the dips in his brow bone where the steel rod had slammed into his face. Ikkaku kissed him whenever the nurse’s fingers moved away from undoing the bandages.

Yumichika began crying loudly, kicking his legs in a tantrum when the last of the gauze was peeled away, as he saw that the doctor was right. He immediately covered up his eye and the blood-stained skin with his hand, not able to bear looking at himself already. “No, no, no, it’s not true, it just can’t be,” he sobbed pitifully as the nurse pried his arm away so she could wrap him up again, leaving them alone when she was done.

Ikkaku took Yumichika’s shaking hands and kissed them, looking him in his uncovered eye. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered, stroking Yumichika’s hair where it was poking out. “Even like this, you’re beautiful.”

Yumichika’s lip trembled as tears rolled from eye, blinking rapidly. “We’re going to have a better life now. We’re gonna’ take care of you. We _love_ you, don’t cry, sweetheart,” he begged, kissing him face.

“He should be here,” he whispered miserably, laying back, looking up at the ceiling as he went still. “He loves me, I know he loves me, so why isn’t he here… Why… He always comes and takes care of me."

“He’s not gonna’ hurt you anymore, darlin’. Just go to sleep, we’re here,” Ikkaku kissed his nose, crying again himself just looking at how hopeless Yumichika appeared. He tried to skirt around the Kaa issue, not wanting to upset Yumichika further. “Take a rest, sleeping beauty. I’m never gonna’ leave you alone again, I love you.”

“Yes,” Yumichika whispered, raising fingers to Ikkaku’s cheeks. “If you love me… it’s all… it’ll all...” he trailed off, sniffling, drifting off into sleep, still crying even in his dreams.

Ichigo knelt down and held Renji, who was still face-down in the sheets where he was holding Yumichika, shoulders shaking with silent sobs. “He’s okay, he’s alive. Don’t feel bad, Renji, don’t be guilty, please. You’re not to blame, it’s not your fault. The perpetrator, think of that, think of him, _not you._ ”

Ikkaku nodded. “Yeah. All we can do now is make sure that fucker never gets out of jail.” Renji lifted his soggy head, nodding with a sniff.

“If this was some huge karmic payback to tell me to stop hesitating, then I’m finally gonna’ fucking listen,” Renji choked out, wiping his eyes.

“Certainly makes me appreciate the little things in life.” Ikkaku leaned in and kissed the bandages covering Yumichika’s eye socket.

* * *

 

 _Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in the mirror._  
_And I love that you’re immortal, can I see you any clearer?_


	19. Triangle

_After all this has passed, I still will remain,  
_ _After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain._

* * *

Renji sat there in the bathtub, hissing in pain as Ichigo helped lower his stiff body down into the hot water. His new boyfriend rolled up his sleeves with a flourish, acting nonchalant about his nakedness to put him at ease as he handed him a soft washcloth to dab at the damage with. He would clean Renji off, but he would not presume the right to clean that place that had been hurt so badly. Renji took the cloth and wiped himself lightly, not wanting to begin bleeding again. That was inevitable though, as swirls of red were already suspended in the water, looking as bright as food coloring.

Renji had dried blood all over him, and not just from the assault. There were leftovers from the fight a few days ago, and from the beating Grimmjow had put him through with that tire-iron, trying to knock him out so he could be tied up easier. He had big knots all over his back, welts and scrapes and bruises so severe that they were greenish in some areas. He definitely wouldn't be able to get up tomorrow.

Ichigo was nearly soaked from helping him sit up so he could reach his back and hair. He was limp and floppy now, and  _heavy_  too from his dead weight. He'd lost nearly all his energy and was finally letting himself relax and succumb to the urge telling him to rest, knowing that he was finally safe now. Renji could no longer lean forward without drowning himself, the pain having become too much, so Ichigo had to help him wash his hair, letting him rest the back of his head on his arm to keep him above the water.

Renji soon realized how pathetic Ichigo's hair-washing skills were, when he was half-drowned and left with a hurting scalp from how many times Ichigo's fingers snagged in his tangles. "Okay, done."

"Done?! What the fuck, you didn't even comb it! You have to frickin'  _condition it,_  you moron!" Ichigo muttered 'yare, yare' under his breath, helping Renji lean up on the rim of the tub. "No wonder your hair's like a porcupine," Renji griped when Ichigo looked through Renji's hair-care bottles, clueless as he looked for the right one. He picked one that read '2 in 1 conditioner', popping it open.

"You're lucky you're cute, honest to God," Ichigo teased, tugging on Renji's ear as he leaned in and kissed the side of Renji's neck, sucking up a bead of water. Renji just splashed him a little, getting red water all over the place as he tried to stretch out to soothe his muscle cramps. The tub was much too small for him and his long legs.

"Here," Ichigo said, hefting Renji up to half-sit, half-lean onto the front of his torso, soaking his shirt as he came up behind him to wash his hair. He rubbed some conditioner through his fingers, rolling his eyes when Renji pointed out that he needed a lot more than that to get all his hair. He rubbed the ridiculous amount of hair product into a lather close to Renji's scalp, being careful of any bumps as he massaged his head, combing out his hair a little with his fingers.

"Mmmm," Renji flopped a little, soaking Ichigo's shirt even further as his head rolled back onto him. "That's real nice."

"C'mon, quit fooling around and get clean. Before I can put you ta' bed, I gotta' patch you up."

"No," Renji said a bit too loud, making a huge wave with the force of his panicked scramble to get away. He nearly drowned himself with his big jerking motion, only having enough strength to drive the initial jolt of shock, the rest just being flailing around as he tried not to slip under the red water. Ichigo grabbed him under the armpits with one arm, using the other to pull the drain and turn on the faucet for new water. "I don't want you looking- No, no way, you're not touching it!" Renji shouted, wet hair over his eyes as he clutched at Ichigo's wrist, which was around his chest.

"Aw, c'mon, I'll be soft on it," Ichigo said soothingly, feeling really fucking bad, bad enough that he wanted to start crying again. So much had happened in the past week that Ichigo could hardly believe it. His close friendship had transcended into a deeper more meaningful love, but along with it, Renji had been  _raped_. Really _raped_.

"I'll be slow, and I'll stop when it hurts. Please, It'll hurt twice as much if it gets infected. Those doctor's didn't do much…"

"It's cause' I'm a guy," Renji gasped out as Ichigo helped him lean back in the water to wash the soap out of his hair. Ichigo was careful this time to block Renji's face and ears from getting wet as he rinsed the soap out of his sea of red hair.

"That doesn't mean you weren't hurt. Now c'mon, finish up. I'm taking a look at it, whether you like it or not. Ya' can do this the easy way or the hard way."

Renji just sat there pitifully, hair hanging down and dripping. His mouth contorted for a while, angry and frustrated. "I shouldn't even have ta'... be making a decision like this, this shouldn't  _happen!"_  he shouted. "Guh! This isn't fair!" He kicked his feet and screamed into his hands to let out some tension, getting the bathroom walls wet. Ichigo watched as he went floppy on purpose, half-slipping under the water, curling up in a ball.

"Aw, Renji," he said miserably, petting him a little. "C'mon… c'mon, get up," he said with effort, hefting his heavy boyfriend out of the water, under the armpits. He wrapped him up in towels, completely flooding the bathroom in the process; luckily, there was a drain on the floor, like a traditional japanese bathroom. Renji was shuddering violently in the cold winter air, and Ichigo had enough sense of mind to help Renji wring out his hair and put it up out of the way. He'd get sick for sure with it down like that.

After getting Renji in his pajamas and under some warm electric blankets with hot packs all over his body, Ichigo approached. "Alright. C'mon… open up," he said awkwardly, holding the first aid kit and some cotton swabs. He could  _see_  Renji's throat get tight as he forced himself to work through the humiliation and the emasculating thing he would have to do.

But Renji did it anyway, as all brave souls do when faced with scary obstacles.

Ichigo untucked the blankets at the bottom of the bed, moving them up Renji's legs, helping him pull his pajama pants down. Renji grunted in pain as his bruised abdomen curled up, but he didn't back out.

Ichigo stacked up some pillows so that Renji didn't have to hold his legs up or stress his insides too much. He didn't bother with gloves, not squeamish about touching a naked person if it was a medical atmosphere instead of a sexual one. Renji had just taken a bath, besides. After wiping him extremely carefully with a napkin to catch the little trickle of fresh blood, he rubbed on some salve to soothe the soreness so that if he tensed up in his sleep, at least it would ease the aching.

Then came the part Ichigo had dreaded, almost more than Renji. He told him to brace himself, and then slowly approached with an antiseptic-soaked cotton ball.

Renji had needed to bite a belt to get through the intense burning. Tears were running from his eyes, and he was hissing like mad as the alcohol traveled through his cuts like fire, but Ichigo didn't say anything, not wanting to humiliate him any further.

"Done, done, we're done, that's all," Ichigo said quickly, a little panicked, seeing that it had hurt Renji a lot. Renji just lay there pitifully, going lax and limp, breathing slowing down again as he tried to wipe his wet cheeks.

Ichigo rubbed his thigh with his thumb, leaning in to kiss his leg as he let him be finished, helping him pull up his pajama bottoms, putting some toilet paper in his underpants to catch any more blood that might leak out. He got up, tucked Renji in again, rubbed his sweaty forehead, and turned on the television, putting on an animal documentary. Then he brought Renji a glass of water, and called the chinese place that was still open this late, asking them to deliver, not wanting to leave Renji by himself even for a few minutes. After that, he called Renji's job, his own job, and the school, notifying them that they were taking a week off  _at least_. Renji wouldn't be able to get out of bed by tomorrow, and Ichigo was going to stay home so he could watch him and take care of him for a few days, at least until he was sure that he'd be alright by himself.

"Okay. Ya'… Ya' wanna' go to sleep? Or… Or what?" After all that adrenaline-driving trauma - being held at gunpoint, watching the horrific act of Renji being raped, and seeing Yumichika nearly dead - Ichigo didn't know how to feel. He didn't know what to do, and he  _hated_  feeling helpless. He was always the one with the plan, the one who could keep everyone safe and okay.

"No… Can… Can we just lay here for a while?" Renji asked, damp hair getting their pillowcases wet. Ichigo nodded, getting a towel to put under Renji's head and hair, to keep him from giving himself a cold. He sat down on the mattress next to his sick pitiful boyfriend, rubbing his leg through the blankets for a moment, just watching him.

Then he crawled in next to him, laying there, afraid to even touch him. He'd seen how hard it was for Renji just to lay down; he was so bashed up,  _everywhere_ , and Ichigo was getting worked up again, not able to stand the shame and pain he had caused Renji by being unable to help him. He suddenly realized that he was trembling all over, and that he didn't know how to comfort Renji at all. He just felt so guilty, so awful that he wanted to  _die_.

"What can I do?" Ichigo asked, choked up  _again_. "I have to… do  _something_ … I can't stand knowing that… that I let that happen to you…" He put a hand over his eyes. "Please, tell me what to do. I don't know what to do."

"Gimme' a kiss… Now that I'm not a crying mess," Renji whispered, tightening his grip on Ichigo's hands. "I've waited so long to kiss you… I was… heh'… real happy… I thought that I was making progress and that maybe I had a chance… when you started to open up… and then, I thought that all my dreams had been taken away and that… I thought you wouldn't even look at me anymore because a' what he did-"

" _No._  Don't think stuff like that." Ichigo was pissed off, more at himself than anything. He hated how blurry his vision was becoming and how hard it was to speak with this tightening throat. He shouldn't be the one crying. _He_  hadn't been brutalized. He shouldn't need comforting or reassurance. He had been  _spared._  This was all wrong.

Ichigo swallowed, eyes burning as he gently moved over Renji, holding himself up with one arm as he got in close, kissing him softly on his bruised mouth. He felt Renji's arms come up and skim along his sides with those big hands, bringing him in. Renji sighed sweetly in near-relief, kissing him back like he'd been waiting years, and he had. After a few moments of peace and soft kissing, just as Ichigo had thought he'd gotten himself under control, Renji began to shake beneath him.

"I am not weak," Renji whispered, lip contorting, trying so hard not to start with the waterworks again. As sick as he was of crying, he was even sicker of  _not_  crying, of  _not_  mourning, of pretending that nothing was wrong. "I am not  _weak,"_  he choked out, biting his lip as he grabbed Ichigo's face, trying to pull him down and meld their mouths together. He needed to be closer, he needed to share Ichigo's air, his body heat, his feelings.

"I could've fought him," he said, voice cracking every few words as he clutched at Ichigo's upper arms, trying to tell him that he was still the strong courageous anchor that he could depend on and look to for security and a steady life. "This doesn't hurt… I'm brave… I'm not  _weak._ I'm not."

Was he saying that to make sure Ichigo knew it… or was he trying to make himself believe it?

"I know…" Ichigo said with a twisted smile, eyes dripping tears onto Renji's cheeks as he clumsily pet his hair. Renji flinched as a droplet landed near his eye and rolled down the side of his face. Ichigo shook his head, still seeing the beaten tortured Renji with eyes so filled with agony. "I know you aren't," he said, voice wrenched and raspy.

"I've never seen you be weak, not even for one instant… Don't worry… I'm not gonna' stop loving you… I still love you… You're still good enough. You're still special," he swore, his own lips trembling as Renji began to cry pitifully, nodding and clinging to Ichigo's promise as he brought a hand up to cover his mouth, face screwing up.

Ichigo wiped at Renji's tear-dampened cheeks, unknowingly mixing his own tears in all over his face. "Shh, stop _crying_ ," he said, voice trembling with a sob at the same moment. " _Stop it,_ " Ichigo's voice cracked. "We'll be okay. I'll take care of you… I can take care of us." Ichigo withdrew then, putting a hand over his mouth, screwing his eyes shut. "Who am I fooling… I can't, can I…"

Renji looked at him, wiping his eyes, physically unable to stop crying now that he'd gotten himself going.

"I can't believe I let him do that," Ichigo cried, face scrunching up as he buried it in his own knees. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry," he wept, flopping onto Renji's legs, speech hardly coherent. "I always act like I can save everybody, but I never can. I couldn't help my mom, and I couldn't even help you when you were  _right there_ in front of me… I let you get hurt."

Ichigo was shaking all over, voice turning into a pitiful wail, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Renji." He began to cry almost hysterically, and couldn't stop now that he'd started. Renji was startled, hiccuping a little, having never seen anything  _close_  to a breakdown like this from Ichigo.

"He hurt you so badly, I shouldn't have let him hurt you," he blubbered, red in the face, shaking all over as he cried pitifully, clinging to Renji's legs. "I should've taken care of you, I'm sorry I let him hurt you, I should've made him take me instead," he bawled, sobbing heavily like a child. "I shoulda' saved you."

Renji, with the last of his strength, and with much pain, shushed Ichigo and grabbed him under the armpits, dragging him up under his arm and held him close, letting him stay curled up in a ball next to him.

"Don't worry," Renji whispered, sniffling, patting his back to comfort both of them. "You're still superman."

* * *

Ikkaku sat there all night, holding Yumichika's hand, trying not to sleep even a wink. He kept having to slap himself awake, because his eyes wouldn't stay open anymore, and eventually a nurse caught him flopped over, sleeping with Yumichika's midsection as a pillow.

Ikkaku could hear gurgling coming from Yumichika's chest, as if his lungs were full of mucus like a cystic fibrosis patient. At four a.m., Yumichika began coughing in his sleep, eventually waking himself up as he reopened a chest wound, coughing up blood. Besides that, they had to keep awakening him every two hours because of his concussion. The poor, poor thing. Ikkaku felt so bad, so guilty he could hardly stand it.

It became worse when Yumichika couldn't get back to sleep, spiraling into deep depression as he talked aimlessly to himself, seeming half-loopy from pain-meds.

"Why hasn't he come… he always comes to check on me… he brings me candy and kisses me… because I'm forgiven after he does it," Yumichika said in delirium. "Where is he, he always comes… I thought he'd be worried about me," Yumichika said pitifully. "Maybe he got lost… He must've gotten lost." Ikkaku assured him that Kaa was in a jailhouse somewhere. Yumichika didn't seem to hear him, and if he had, he didn't pay any attention, still laying there blankly with a stagnant gloomy cloud over his head.

"Oh, was it worth it, darling," Yumichika whispered to Kaa, staring up at the ceiling lights dazedly. "All I ever wanted… I just… I tried so hard… so hard to… make you happy. I'm so sorry I did this. I know I'm forgiven now, but… I'm sorry," he breathed, not crying, but sounding extremely sad. "Please come back to me… I need help."

Ikkaku gripped Yumichika's uninjured hand tightly, covering Yumichika's eyes with his other hand, telling him to go to sleep. "Close your eyes," Ikkaku said, obeying Yumichika's wish that he still refer to him as if he had two eyes. "No more talkin', Yumi', it's time ta' go ta' sleep."

"It's just not fair…" Yumichika's lip wobbled a little, but he settled back down to go to bed. He didn't seem to realize that he was talking out loud, so Ikkaku let him ramble on for a while longer. "We were happy for so long… What did I do… what was it that I did that made you change… It's just not fair."

Yumichika continued on feeling sorry for himself - quite rightfully in Ikkaku's opinion - for a rather long time, surprising Ikkaku when he suddenly asked him something. He had been under the impression that Yumichika was delirious, not knowing he was there. Maybe it was some technique Yumichika had of ignoring reality to spare himself pain.

His tone was so plain, so calm and peaceful that Ikkaku felt strange, as if Yumichika was dying and that their time together was running out. The prospect terrified him. "Ikkaku, darling, could you please give me a kiss?" Ikkaku did, right on his perfect little mouth, split lip, bruises and all. "Do you love me?"

"Yes," Ikkaku answered, stroking his hand between his own.

"Even now that I am no longer beautiful?"

Ikkaku didn't bother correcting Yumichika, knowing it would reassure him more to say this, accounting for the _possibility_  that he was ugly, which he wasn't. "Yes, even now. I love you very much, and nothing will change that. Not even time." Yumichika looked touched, smiling a little, still seeming dazed.

"Good," Yumichika said with a sigh, growing sleepier again, sinking into the bed. "I wish that… we had really been sweethearts as children instead of just playing around for so long… we were so young… and we thought we had time…" Ikkaku swallowed hard, holding Yumichika's hand a little tighter, keeping in mind that he needed to be gentle on the poor thing.

Yumichika's voice was soft, so delicate that it was clear that he was exhausting himself just by talking. The words were tearing Ikkaku apart. "We thought we were ready, didn't we… we thought we knew." Ikkaku's eyes were blurring as he stroked Yumichika's hand with his thumb.

"If only we had gone on pretending and never stopped… never stopped dreaming… If only I had never awoken from my wonderful dream… of having you… in my beautiful world… when I was young…"

"You're still young, Yumi… We're in our twenties." Ikkaku got a lump in his throat, resting his forehead on their joined hands. His poor baby, so beaten up, so barely-alive. His poor little broken angel.

"You still look at me as if I was that pretty little boy…" Yumichika said, eyes far off, lip quirking with a half-smile.

"I still see him." Ikkaku kissed his knuckles. "He never went away, Yumichika. That's still you. He never went away."

"He nev-…" Yumichika's eyes opened a little wider as he drifted off into sleep, looking almost surprised. "I'm still?… Oh, good… I had always thought something had changed and that I had grown ugly… that's strange, why did I forget?" Yumichika wondered, but then he grew cynical, throwing off Ikkaku's promise. His voice changed, sounding snarky and frighteningly lucid.

"Oh, but you can't be right, you're just silly. Kaa's always right, and you're just so stupid sometimes, Ikkaku," Yumichika yawned, eyes closing. Part of Ikkaku lit up, filling with surprise and joy. That… That had been the real Yumichika. Just for a moment, the real him from so long ago had broken through. There… Maybe there was a chance… a fragment, just a tiny infinitesimal fragment of light…

Ikkaku smiled. "I'd hit ya' for saying something so dumb if hitting angels was allowed."

He kissed Yumichika like there wouldn't be a tomorrow, like this was his last chance, and Yumichika kissed back just a little, mouth soft and relaxed. He smiled as he fell asleep, mumbling that he'd finally found what he'd been missing, that he was finally ready to go to sleep and get taken to that castle Ikkaku had promised him, although it was probably ugly if Ikkaku had designed it.

Ikkaku just smiled. There was hope. That vibrant colorful that had been inside Yumichika hadn't died or gone away. Their bond hadn't broken; it had only fallen asleep for all those years they'd been apart.

Perhaps there was truth in the saying that true beauty never dies.

* * *

"Ichigo," Renji said, voice shaking, nudging the sleeping man curled up next to him. "Ichigo, wake up,  _please."_

"Mmg."

"Ichigooo," Renji moaned. "I'm hungry," he sniffled pitifully, tugging weakly on Ichigo's shirt, trying to wake him up without straining his aching muscles. "Get up."

"Hm, whu'za' matter… Nn?" Ichigo lifted his head a little, voice slurred with sleepiness. "Why're' ya' cryin'?"

"Ichigo, I'm hungry, I'm so hungry," Renji begged, shaking hands trying to grip Ichigo's shirt more firmly. "Please, help me, I'm gonna' die," he pleaded, eyes wet. "I'm really gonna' die." Ichigo wiped his eyes and then Renji's too, getting up.

He'd known that Renji's nightmares would get worse after this fresh assault. He'd expected this. Those nights where he'd wet the bed because of a particularly frightening dream of past molestation, those nights where he'd wake up feeling like he was starving even if his stomach was full - those nights would probably become extremely frequent again.

Ichigo had been ready for this. He knew what he was getting himself into, staying with Renji to take care of him; it would probably be tough to remain patient and caring, to suffer through the fear and pain with Renji, but Ichigo didn't care. He could take it. He could take care of them. He could get them through this.

He wasn't going to let Renji hurt all alone.

Renji sniffled a little, begging him to make him something to eat. Ichigo had had hopes that this wouldn't happen, because Renji had just eaten a crap-ton of almond cookies and eggrolls, so he shouldn't be hungry, but Ichigo took pity on him, getting up, if only to make his boyfriend stop shaking like that.

At least he hadn't peed the bed from that recurring bad dream of being molested when he was little. The bright side, always look on the bright side. Renji looked at him, thinking he was upset. Ichigo wasn't upset with him; he knew that Renji couldn't help it. He was just grouchy because of how early it was.

Ichigo could get them through this. They loved each other, and they would make it through this, even if they weren't 'rising again', even if they weren't crawling back to their feet, even if they were just clinging to each other as they drowned. It was sink or swim, and if one went down, so would the other. They were going to stay together. They would suffer as one. Ichigo would not abandon Renji in his time of need; no, he'd never do that. The poor guy didn't deserve that when he had been so faithful to Ichigo for so many years. Renji didn't deserve that, period.

"I can't help it, don't be mad," Renji begged, petting Ichigo's arm like it was a kitten.

"Okay, okay, just hush," Ichigo griped, tromping over to the fridge, slapping together five sandwiches with salami, bologna, and ham, and a glass of water so that Renji could wash it down quicker. Ichigo brought him the food and went to the bathroom, turning all the lights back off to protect his night-sensitive eyes. By the time he got back, Renji had wolfed nearly everything down, trembling all over from low blood-sugar, and now that Ichigo had thought on it, Renji probably hadn't eaten anything but that takeout in a full two days, so the hunger might not have been fake.

Now that the adrenaline of their ordeal had died down, Renji might've finally felt his hunger instead of confusing it with anxiety, the poor guy. Ichigo took some of the hot packs and warmed them back up, bringing Renji some pain medicine as well. He patted his sweaty forehead, helping him sit up so he could swallow his pills.

"Thanks," Renji said, surprising Ichigo when he groaned, wrenching his insides horribly as he brought himself to an upright position, sitting up on the mattress. From there, he dragged himself to the edge of the bed and slowly stood up, limping to the bathroom all by himself, however unsteadily. Ichigo sincerely hoped he wasn't going to just puke everything back up.

Luckily, no, and Renji soon came back, still shaking all over so badly, shivering in the cold air as he got back in next to Ichigo, nearly crushing him as he flopped onto the mattress, strength failing him. Ichigo had seen the blood spots on his pants and the wince every time he took a step, so he helped Renji roll over and get back to where he was laying before, knowing that he could hardly move anymore without horrible pain. He got up and tucked Renji in like a bug in a rug, and patted his forehead before getting the hot packs.

"Thank you," Renji said again. Ichigo just grunted and flopped back down next to him, cranky from lack of sleep. This didn't keep him from giving Renji a sleepy, but heartfelt kiss on the temple, settling down a few inches away from him to give his poor body some space. He gave a sleepy sigh, feeling like he belonged here next to Renji. They would make it. He wouldn't let them drown. He'd kick the ocean's ass… Yep, he definitely needed some more rest. It was too early for him to think straight.

"I had a bad dream," Renji mumbled, snuggling under the billion comforters that he and Ichigo now shared, having moved all their bed sheets to the larger lower mattress of their bunk bed so that they could sleep together like lovers, and for nightmare-protection for both of them. "You weren't in it."

"What was the scary part?" he asked wearily, trying not to just pass out while Renji was trying to talk to him. He didn't want Renji to be scared, so he scootched a little closer to him, trying to send him some comfort. He hoped the poor guy wasn't hurting too bad or having scary dreams.

"That  _was_  the scary part. I couldn't find you… anywhere, and I kept getting chased… until I couldn't breathe. I…" Renji looked for Ichigo's hand under the covers, gripping it tight. "Can you just… hold me, please," he asked ashamedly, still a little embarrassed because he was a big man, bigger than Ichigo at least, and he shouldn't need to be comforted or babied or anything like that, but he was  _scared_. Renji was always strong, always brave, but that didn't mean he wasn't scared witless. They both were.

Luckily, Ichigo was there to catch him and kiss him until he couldn't breathe, until he couldn't be afraid. So, Ichigo held him close to his chest, stroking his hair and back. He could tell when the meds started kicking in, because Renji's stiff pained muscles relaxed, and he molded right onto his body, moaning sleepily as he was held onto Ichigo's warm torso.

"I'm here," Ichigo whispered, "Just relax," he kissed Renji's hair a few times, and he felt Renji's ear press into the bare skin just above the collar of his t-shirt. "Yeah, go ta' sleep, I'm right here… I won't let anythin' happen." Renji's body started going lax and slow beneath his hands, as he fell asleep again.

"I'll take care of us… I'll take care of us, I promise."

* * *

Ikkaku understood Yumichika's grief. He understood why he still loved Kaa even after this, why Yumichika clutched Kaa's picture, an ancient picture of him when they had been young and in love, back when things had been good between them. It had been inside of the clothes Ikkaku had brought, and Yumichika lifted up his shirt and put the picture there on his chest, close to his heart.

He completely understood, but it didn't make it any less heartbreaking to see Yumichika still believe that someway somehow, that  _he_  had done something wrong, and that he should be apologizing to Kaa instead of the other way around.

It just broke his heart to see Yumichika so in love with a man like that, and he was sure that Yumichika knew how hopeless and awful it was. Ikkaku knew though, that Yumichika's dreams had returned, and that Kaa would never shatter them again. Not while he could help it.

Yumichika had changed and had finally opened his eyes to the truth, but that didn't make it any less painful, and Ikkaku understood that too.

* * *

_You made me sad, you made me cry._   
_You treated me bad, you told me lies,_

_Still I sit here and wonder why_   
_It's so hard for me to say goodbye_


	20. Beautiful

_Now where's that silver lining?_

* * *

It had been a month, and despite the horrifying aftermath of the attack, despite the physical injuries and the psychological trauma, Yumichika still wanted very much to appear in court during Kaa's trial, eager to see him one last time.

There were laws in place for situations like these, where the victim wouldn't have to appear in court and face their attacker ever again, but Yumichika expressed an interest in going. Ikkaku hadn't the heart to deny him his request, promising that he'd take him to court if he was doing better by the date of the trial, and Ikkaku always made good on his promises.

The room was full, full of Yumichika's friends and some of Ikkaku's, full of Kaa's family members and half the campus, all stubborn in saying that Kaa would never do such a thing, that this was a vicious lie. Rangiku had already decked a few nay-sayers, angrier than Ikkaku had ever seen her.

When Ikkaku came in with Yumichika, when everybody saw how real the damage was, they went silent with shock. Whether or not they believed it was Kaa was irrelevant now, because they saw how badly Yumichika had been hurt and couldn't quite be angry with him, because Yumichika had definitely been hurt by  _somebody_.

Yumichika sat there next to his lawyer, Ikkaku sitting back behind the little gate, watching as the trial began. He had to wait until he was called as a witness. Yumichika's eyes didn't stray from Kaa once, sad and distant as he looked upon his long-time lover.

 _'Oh, Kaa was it worth it, was it worth this?'_  Yumichika bit his lip, not wanting to cry here before he even gave his account of what had happened.

Kaa looked back at him, gaze as stable and rational as Yumichika's was, as if they were sharing a moment or some telepathic conversation. Ikkaku rather thought that they were sharing in each other's presence as wholly as they could without touching or speaking, as this would be the last time they would be together.

Ikkaku himself also felt the man's gaze, and he could see in his eyes that he was asking him to take care of Yumichika, to make him happy, to make him feel beautiful and special, to keep him safe and warm, because he couldn't anymore. Kaa could keep him safe from everything but himself, so now he was handing over the privilege to Ikkaku, entrusting him with his precious sweetheart.

Ikkaku blinked, scowling, breaking the gaze uncomfortably. If Kaa had been so worried about Yumichika's safety, he would've put aside his selfish want to be near him, although Ikkaku knew how hard it is to let someone you love go.

The evidence was incontestable, given the fact that Kaa didn't deny a single thing of what he'd done, telling the story flawlessly, almost as chillingly casual and unashamed as Dennis Rader in his confession of the Otero murders. The crowd was shocked and silent, listening in disbelief as their idol told everyone what he had done. He had no excuses, no lies, nothing to hide what he'd done as he looked back at Yumichika, telling everyone what he'd done to him. He said it all without any shame, admitting to it fully, not sounding proud, but not particularly remorseful either. He just stated the explicit facts without any of his emotions included, and that was what was so striking about it.

Ikkaku felt chills go down his spine when he remembered what Yumichika said about Kaa's punishment being mercy, that as soon as the beating was over, Kaa gave his full and unwithheld forgiveness. So, even as they struggled to get a motive out of Kaa, he didn't give one, saying that he felt no ill will towards Yumichika whatsoever, that there was nothing Yumichika had done to make him be angry with him. Even when Ikkaku was brought up as a point of possible contention, Kaa was stoic, saying that he had no feelings of anger towards him either, and that nothing Ikkaku had done had made him become violent. Yumichika later was the one who told everyone the reason Kaa had lost it on him.

Yumichika looked back at Kaa, whose gaze was almost longing, nostalgic, and affectionate. Oh, Yumichika didn't understand. Had it been worth it to do this to him? Had it really been worth it to sacrifice all this, to sacrifice his life as a free man? What had Kaa done to him, what had he done? Oh, Kaa, was it worth  _this?_

The judge said personally as he observed the case, that in all his years, he had never seen anything more brutal. Many people agreed, as photographs of the carnage were shown up on a projector: The bloody mess of Yumichika's face while he was being worked on by doctors, the unadulterated gore that his backside had become when Kaa had finished with him, the whipmarks, the bruises, the snapped golf club and the bloody glass bits that had been picked out of Yumichika's skin. It was all shown in a power-point slideshow like some school project, making many of those present shiver. It was horrifying to them that something like this could happen, that a person who seemed so perfectly normal could do something so violent.

Rangiku was crying quietly to herself, rocking back and forth on the bench next to Ikkaku, weeping shakily into a handkerchief that she held over her mouth and nose with both hands. Ikkaku put his arm around her. He'd never seen her cry before, not even over her lover, Ichimaru.

Even this short little trip had taken its toll on Yumichika, stripping him of energy. Ikkaku whispered to Yumichika over the little barrier, handing a canteen to his lawyer so that Yumichika could take a drink to clear his throat before he had to testify. Yumichika tried to comfort Rangiku by telling her not to cry, but she just smiled tearfully, letting Ikkaku hold her as she told Yumichika how sorry she was, that if she had known she would've done anything to help him. Ikkaku didn't let them talk any more, knowing that they were already on thin ice with all the outbursts that had occurred thus far. He wasn't going to risk being kicked out.

Many of the people in the crowd gave testimonials towards Kaa's character, but it made no difference, as Ikkaku was provided as a first-hand witness, also along with Renji's statements as to his suspicions, and on top of that, there was Yumichika's account of what had happened, which matched Kaa's confession perfectly. There wasn't a shadow of a doubt through the jury that Kaa had been the culprit, to their utter dismay. None of them wanted to convict him, and many of them obviously couldn't imagine Kaa committing the crime, but the evidence was concrete and they had no choice but to believe. Ikkaku, of course, was pissed that they were all so reluctant to convict the man that had nearly murdered his lover.

The fact that there wasn't any proof that the assault had been premeditated was what saved Kaa from capital punishment. There wasn't a single black mark on Kaa's record, and to an outsider, it almost might seem like some spontaneous bout of insanity. Yumichika seemed relieved somehow, and Ikkaku didn't blame him. He wanted Kaa to suffer, not die, and if he was put to death for this, he knew that Yumichika would forever feel responsible. Besides, if they were never to see Kaa again anyways, he might as well be dead to them, so it didn't matter, Ikkaku supposed, if he was saved from the electric chair.

After Yumichika answered a few questions from the defense attorney regarding motives and other nonsense - without going up to the pulpit due to his condition, of course - the case came to an end, with Kaa being sentenced with eighty years in prison, convicted for attempted murder and brutal assault, even though Kaa had stated repeatedly that his intention had not been to kill Yumichika. He actually became quite frustrated over this when no one would listen to him, showing emotion for just a few minutes through the entire court hearing. He even went so far as to insult the intelligence of his own attorney when they would not stand by him on the fact that he had  _not_  been trying to kill Yumichika.

"I knew he wouldn't die," Kaa said out of turn, nearly risking being considered 'hostile' to the court. Yumichika sniffled a little, blowing his nose, and Kaa looked back at him with near-concern, as if he was somehow slightly worried or bothered about the fact that Yumichika might have a cold - despite the horrific injuries he was brushing off.

He got a life sentence for a willful act of attempted murder, three counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, grievous bodily harm, and domestic violence, among many others, including spousal rape. That had shocked many people, including Ikkaku. He hadn't known that Yumichika had been telling the truth when he said that Kaa 'wasn't exactly' a boyfriend. They were legally married, but had kept it quiet,  _silent_ , in fact.

All that Ikkaku needed to hear was that the man was going to jail for a long long time, although the fact that he had a large chance of parole was upsetting to him. Yumichika also told him that he was intending to divorce Kaa, and it would most likely be easy too if he was going to be in prison for the rest of his life. That reassured Ikkaku a little. A long messy divorce was not what Yumichika needed right now. He needed a clean quick break from all of this.

Since Kaa's record was completely clean,  _stunning_  in fact, many of the people in the crowd were still upset, finding it hard to believe that he could do such a thing, thinking it unfair that he shouldn't be given a chance to redeem himself. Of course, they all knew now, now that Kaa had openly admitted it to everyone so plainly. They  _had_  to believe it, but they still couldn't help but feel sorry for Kaa, still thinking of him as that good person who loved helping others and other such cover-up.

Yumichika watched as Kaa was led out by police, in chains and an orange prison jumper. Yumichika was crying without knowing it, not making any noise or blinking through his tears, just letting them pour down as he waved at Kaa as he went, watching the great love of his life leave forever. He smiled a little through his gloom and teary-eyed sadness, as Kaa gave him a parting nod, blowing a kiss.

It just wasn't right, it wasn't right for this to have happened, and Ikkaku could feel the heartache swirling inside Yumichika. He could feel the pain, and it was nearly unbearable. Yumichika felt as though he had lost everything, his husband, his beauty, and his prospects, all in one fell swoop.

They waited outside for hours, Yumichika in his wheelchair, taking turns between napping and moping a little, talking to Rangiku until she had to leave. Then he just held Ikkaku's hand through a soft glove as he sniffled and wept to himself. Ikkaku had chased the press away, as the crowd outside eventually started to sneak in. He'd even resorted to taking the cover off of his fast-food drink and drenched a reporter's camera as Yumichika hid his face in a blanket, peeking out with a one-eyed glare. The janitor and courthouse security had let them stay, muffling laughs as they escorted the local news out of the building.

Eventually, the time for Renji's trial had come. Since they had filed similar reports of violence in the same day, they had been lucky enough to have their trials scheduled relatively close together. Soon enough, Yumichika looked up and saw Red and Redder entering the courthouse, holding hands.

Their trial hadn't gone nearly as well, and Ikkaku glared up at Jaegerjaquez with vehemence and fury, sitting next to Ichigo, who was in a similar state, watching the man stand up there and answer questions. Renji had to face it all alone, not having very good of a lawyer. Besides that, he was insanely nervous, biting at his nails as he stood before the court.

Ichigo was called as a witness, and had been vicious and unforgiving in describing every little detail, horrifying many of those who were listening. Grimmjow didn't deny it, answering questions with as few words as possible and with a lot of awkwardness in his tone, looking defeated and disheveled.

Grimmjow hadn't counted on Renji coming forward with hard evidence of the rape, and seemed disheartened and remorseful for what he'd done, sounding extremely sorry, and not just because he'd been caught. It didn't make Ichigo any less angry, however. The court seemed more concerned and focused on Grimmjow having a gun and whether he had _really_  had a gun, with ammo or without, and the circumstances surroundings his real intentions to use it, rather than the assault itself, which  _had happened._  That irritated Ichigo to no end, because in his eyes, committing any sort of rape was at least twenty times worse than dubiously threatening someone with a gun which may or may not have been loaded, or fired, or  _whatever. Who cared?!_

He started getting extremely snippy when they kept asking him about the legitimacy of the rape, whether there had been any neighboring hotel-goers who could confirm whether it had happened, or whether the gun had been used to confirm consent.

Ichigo just kept referring to the evidence that the hospital provided, and that the synopsis Renji had given a month ago was perfect compared to what Renji had told them today, along with his own first-hand account that also matched up with the others, which should  _confirm the story as true._

He even went so far as to sarcastically remind everyone that the gun hadn't even been recovered. There was no evidence that there had ever even  _been_  a gun, but there  _was_ substantial evidence to prove that Renji had been hurt. He still had bruises everywhere and lived with a lot of pain, hardly able to stand up there for such a long period of time. Ichigo reluctantly pointed out that you could still see marks on his face. He was getting some agreement from the jury that the gun shouldn't matter in the face of something like this, but the defense was still trying to beat the dead horse.

They talked in circles for hours, still fiddling around with the length of the sentence due to the gun, and their little group of miscreants was outraged when Grimmjow was let off with community service and minimal jail time, even though he had a record full of violence, drunk-driving, and disorderly conduct.

The jury had convicted Grimmjow as guilty, due to the evidence and absence of an alibi, but all the same, he got off with little less than a rap on the wrist due to his father's money, Ichigo suspected. They all knew full well that Grimmjow's father had probably bought some people off to give him a light prison sentence of nine months, which would likely be removed. Of course, they didn't think Grimmjow had  _asked_  to be let off with a light sentence, but all the same. It didn't matter how high bail was for Grimmjow, his family would pay it regardless.

Ichigo was getting a restraining order on his ass the moment he got out of prison, no questions asked. He didn't care how sorry Grimmjow was. This was not something he could forgive, not when he had to see Renji still suffering.

Renji left with a resignation to his defeat, completely used to his attackers getting off nearly scott-free, but it didn't make him any less frustrated and helpless, furious that this hadn't helped him in the way he'd needed. The justice system had failed him.

He would've felt better even if Grimmjow had only gotten a year or so, even though he'd thought that  _five_ years would've been light due to what Grimmjow had done to him, but then again, he'd known that most justice systems didn't take rape seriously, even looking back through the history of the world. Innocent blood hadn't and never would be avenged, and he had to carry on despite this. At least he was happy that Kaa would never be nearer to Yumichika than behind a glass wall, never mind that Grimmjow would be walking free.

He turned to see Ikkaku looking around uncertainly, extremely hesitant to let Yumichika out of his sight even though he had to pee really bad. With an immense act of trust, he let Renji take a turn wheeling Yumichika around to give him a short break. Ikkaku swiftly departed from the courthouse, looking for a convenience store or a gas station so he could come back quickly with a honey-bun for Yumichika to snack on.

Renji could hear Ichigo fighting with the two lawyers back there, heckling Grimmjow, who was out of jail on bail money for the next two weeks, at least until his final hearing for an official sentence. Apparently, Renji's lawyer was telling Ichigo that one of the reasons that may have played a role in letting Grimmjow off had been Renji's records, which colored him as a troublemaker, an orphan, and a troubled violent youth.

"Oh, tch', yeah. He had straight B grades, worked two jobs by the time he was seventeen, and he did volunteer work at the Salvation Army. The reason he got in fights was because of his violent neighborhood, but that shouldn't matter, because he's never even been arrested. That  _totally_  sounds like someone who deserves to have his attacker walk free. Ugh, how can you not feel  _sick_  just hearing that? I feel like I just said that the Holocaust happened for a reason."

"Now, you're just blowing things out of proportion, young man. I don't get what you're so upset about, I  _told_  you how hard it is to get people for things like this."

"Things like  _what?_ " Ichigo shouted back, eye twitching, only keeping his hands to himself because this was a lawyer. "You're lucky that I'm legally bound to pay you, or I'd kick your ass! What kind of sentence is nine months of prison time and picking up trash under the freeway?! That's not winning a lawsuit if you ask me. And 'it's hard to get people for things like  _this'?_ What  _things_ , pray tell?"

"Well… Well, when it's- _"_

Ichigo cut him off, "Oh, you had better not be saying what I think you're saying. What difference does it make if it's a guy, or cause' he's got a bad past? Are ya' just gonna' tell him ta' suck it up? How would  _you_  like it up the ass? What, what, do ya' need a bigger bribe to do what you're supposed to?  _You're taking his side!_ " Ichigo pointed violently at Grimmjow, who flinched back, appearing distraught. "You're _sick!_ I hope you sleep well at night, you crooked pocket-thief! _"_

"Come on now, I thought you said you were friends with the guy," the lawyer gestured to Grimmjow, who was standing there awkwardly with a police escort. Renji couldn't look at him any longer, turning and sitting down next to Yumichika's feet, near the wall. Yumichika patted his head, stroking his hair a little clumsily with his bad hand. Ichigo's furious words were still making it through Renji's hands, hitting his ears, making him cringe in shame.

"-First hand account, yet nothing was done about it, and there weren't any injuries with the gun, I don't see why you're so upset. You both lived when it would've been smart for him to off both of you to keep you quiet."

"-You wonder why I'm upset? I'm always upset when good things happen to bad people, and vice versa. I don't care what his excuse is," Ichigo said, referring to Grimmjow like he wasn't even there in front of him. "Recklessness, impulsiveness, desperation - I don't care if that's what it was. It doesn't give him any leeway with something like this. I can't remain neutral here. You  _can't_  be neutral when one of your friends or family hurts somebody. If you stand by an oppressor or stay in the middle, you're telling the victim that their pain doesn't exist-"

"O-"

"Shut up!... You basically let him get off with no loss except a little money, just because he didn't shoot us through the heads. Meanwhile, he's caused us a world of pain, and you've been no help either. All you've done was get our hopes up that someone would give us some real justice.  _Thanks for nothing_ ," he snapped. "Community service? You might as well have told him to throw his money in a river with no skin off his nose."

The lawyer got upset then, but Ichigo just gave him the finger and walked away, looking for Renji for a while as he argued with Grimmjow, who was trying to apologize, saying that he'd take it back if he could. Ichigo pushed him back, spitting on his feet as he spotted Renji over there with his head in his knees, arms around himself.

"C'mon, Ren-chu, let's go." He nudged him. "C'mon, get up. Ya' gotta' get up."

Renji nodded, standing stiffly, ruffling Yumichika's hair as Ikkaku returned from the bathroom with a lemonade and a candy bar. Yumichika offered Renji a little piece of it, and Renji gave a watery smile, wiping his eyes with the back of his wrist, trying to choke the chocolate down.

Suddenly he felt a light tap on his shoulder, and he turned around, stepping back a bit when he realized who it was. He eyed Grimmjow warily, who couldn't meet his gaze, staring at the floor as he compulsively scratched at the back of his neck.

Grimmjow offered him a card, and Renji took it, seeing that it said 'get well' and 'best wishes' and all that. As he opened it, his eyes fell on the two simple written words, knowing that Grimmjow had probably agonized over this for hours, wanting to write out that he would take it back if he could, that never in a million years would he do it again, never would he dream of hurting someone so badly. He'd say 'sorry' and 'forgive me' and that he wanted to make amends, to help him feel better, to maybe become friends or at least civil acquaintances, but all of that was something that Grimmjow wasn't allowed to do.

He knew that he couldn't just hurt somebody and then beg for forgiveness to erase his own wrong-doing from his conscience, when Renji would have to live with it forever. He couldn't sleep peacefully anymore, and he knew that this was what he deserved, because it was likely that Renji couldn't sleep peacefully either. Grimmjow knew that it wasn't fair for him to wipe his hands of this, so he hadn't, just writing down the only words that he could take from his own crooked tortured heart.

Renji looked down at the large sum of money, which was there for his medical bills, for whatever he needed to get better, whether it be psychotherapy or Häagen-Dazs bars. He looked down at the simple words 'I'm sorry', and he glanced at Grimmjow, who looked broken, maybe on the verge of shedding a tear. Renji was not a cruel man, nor was he prone to pettiness or bitterness, and as tough as it was to forgive, to touch the person who had put him through so much pain, it was in his nature to show mercy. So he put a hand on the man's shoulder, keeping him at arm's length, and patted him a little, saying 'thank you'.

As much as it hurt Renji to do so, he whispered, "I forgive you," and met Grimmjow's disbelieving glassy eyes. Then he turned away, leaving the man there with an outstretched hand and a devastated look on his face. Ichigo took Renji's hand, looking back many times at the broken man with a vicious glare, but Renji didn't look back once, outstretching a couple fingers to loop through Yumichika's.

The hope that they should've felt as they all left the courthouse was still there, but it was horribly dampered. With a bleak past, it is always incredibly hard to imagine a bright future, and none of them could see the horizon.

For a long while, it had seemed as though there was nothing out there for them, but Renji knew, he knew that if he squinted enough, he would see something.

This would not be the end of him.

* * *

"I love him," Yumichika said absently as Ikkaku pushed his chair through the parking lot to the car. "Even after that, I love him… It's wrong, I know it's wrong, but I still… What was I thinking?… I don't know what I was thinking to betray him that way. I know he shouldn't have hurt me, but I just can't help but love him… Why do I feel like this?" He looked back up at Ikkaku over his left shoulder, realizing quickly that that was his blind side, so he turned the other way.

"Do you know what I mean? I just… Even though I love you… even after he did that… even after that, I still… I still can't let him go," he choked out in a whisper, reaching back to touch Ikkaku's wrist as he was helped into the car.

"I understand," Ikkaku whispered, kissing his nose as he buckled him in, listening to Renji and Ichigo get into the van. He said it simply, knowing that was all he needed to say, to let Yumichika know that it was okay, that it was fine, that it was okay that he was feeling these horrible conflicted emotions, and that he still loved him regardless. "He was the great love of your life… I know he loved you, and you loved him… but I also think it's possible to love people who are bad for you," he said, giving Yumichika's hand a squeeze.

In the back of the car, Renji touched Ichigo's arm, card still in his shaking fingers. Four thousand dollars, all in hundreds had been taped inside the card's center-fold. He knew that Grimmjow wasn't meaning to bribe him or trying to buy his forgiveness. He was trying to make things right, and he probably would've hugged him or tried to comfort him, had the circumstances been different. Ichigo scowled at the money like it was dirty.

"I don't think he meant badly," Renji rasped out, sitting next to Ichigo, leaning in close, settling his head on his shoulder. "I know he was pissed… and heartbroken, but I don't think he really meant badly. He… He didn't smile like he did when you caught us fighting that one time… He didn't enjoy doing that to me, he didn't smile or tease me with that… stupid smug grin… He was sad… I think he let his rage get the better of him."

Ichigo didn't say anything, listening to Renji. "He's… I guess he just can't handle not getting his way or something, and he couldn't stand the thought of losing to me… Losing you… He was just sad, and he couldn't stand it… I guess it doesn't matter…"

"Don't say that," Ichigo whispered, making Renji tip his head up. "Don't you say that. You're the one who has to pay for it, so it doesn't matter whether he meant to or not. If he's sorry or not, whether he was mad or sad or stupid; it doesn't matter. The fact is he  _did it_."

Renji looked back at him for a while, eyes sad and lost. "How can you look at me now… and see someone that you… want to… rely on?… How can you not see who I was then?"

Ichigo sighed. "How can I not love you when I look at you, Renji… It's because I like what I see. I see your dorky golden heart, and I like it… When I look at you it's like looking into the sun," Ichigo muttered, holding his hand.

"It hurts?"

"Shut up, I didn't think the metaphor through."

Renji laughed a little, closing the card up and putting it down the front of his shirt. It made him feel a little less hopeless, a little bit warmer. To know that Grimmjow was truly sorry – not just sorry that he'd been caught – it made him feel so much better to know that it had hurt Grimmjow almost as much as it hurt him.

"Hey." Ichigo nudged him, changing the subject. "How do you feel about having an apartment?"

"They're stupid. You're paying about the same amount of money as a mortgage payment, but without working towards owning the property," Renji replied, seamlessly moving on to a lighter topic, knowing that talking about Grimmjow pissed Ichigo off. He suspected that it had something to do with guilt, because at one point, Ichigo had wanted to become a couple with the man.

"Well, how do you feel about having an apartment with  _me?"_

Meanwhile, Ikkaku stood there with the car door open, still tucking Yumichika in and making sure he was comfortable, tilting the car-seat back. Yumichika grew distressed then, and Ikkaku started asking him where he hurt, fluttering his hands over him and kissing his face. Yumichika started grabbing the front of his shirt like he always did, - a signature 'security blanket' move - becoming worried and pale.

"What am I going to do?" Yumichika asked helplessly. "I can't work like this, what am I going to do? I don't have any savings left, or, or… Any money that the court will be able to separate from Kaa's will take months for me to get back… I have  _nothing._ " Ikkaku looked at him as if he couldn't understand why Yumichika was worried.

"What's the matter with you? Didn't I tell you I'd take care of you? I thought I told you that." He bent down, taking his face in his hands, kissing the spot where the bandages still covered, right where an empty eyelid resided. Yumichika twitched, not liking the reminder of his destroyed beauty, but seemed to like the acceptance and care Ikkaku was showing him. "You were released from the hospital today. Don't you think that's a sign?"

"A sign that I'm a loser?"

"Shut up," Ikkaku said in exasperation, half-smiling at the dumb idiot in front of him. "You're staying with me, stupid. I'm gonna' take care of you. I  _love_  you. Didja' think I was lying or something? Hanging around at the hospital with you for a whole month just because I wanted to get you in the sack again? I love you, and I'm taking care of you whether you like it or not, you stupid dipwad."

"Really? Really, you would?" Yumichika asked, reaching out to touch his face hesitantly, as if he thought Ikkaku was transparent. "You'd… take care of me?… In my time of need, or…"

"Till' I die." Ikkaku pecked his cheek again. "Who else is gonna' keep me outta' trouble?"

"How sweet." Yumichika smiled, and he held his picture of Kaa tight to his chest through his shirt, heart aching and sad still, sad enough to weep a few grieving tears as Ikkaku got in the car, buckling in and turning it on.

He held the picture like he was afraid to lose it, but his old dream was gone and he knew it. It had made way for an even older and more carnal dream of his, one that had rekindled and burned anew. There was someone else here now, someone who had fed him ice cream and who had practically harassed the nurses to give him all his medications on time, never leaving his side for more than ten minutes at a time.

He loved Kaa and he always would, but this man, this bald, sweaty, loud, idiotic man…  _This_  was the truth. Ikkaku was honest, open, forward, and perhaps too blunt at times, but he was sweet and caring, still so head over heels for him even after eight years of waiting. That was the truth, and Yumichika knew that anything that is not truth, can never be called love.

And one thing that he was finally ready for was the truth.

He stroked the side of Kaa's face with his knuckle, letting the love of those past happy times come into his heart as he gave the picture one last tender kiss. He ached, missing his long-time love desperately, having such a hard time saying farewell forever, still thinking of the what-if's, but his new dream, his old dream, Ikkaku, was still there under everything.

So with shaking fingers clamped over his mouth, he let the photograph slip out of his fingertips, letting it go, watching it fly out the window of the car.

* * *

Another month had passed, and Christmas was coming. Yumichika had watched 'The Nightmare Before Christmas', both of the 'Grinch' movies, the Spongebob Christmas Special, and the Charlie Brown Christmas Special so many times, that Ikkaku was beyond tired of it, but he still spoiled Yumichika rotten, doing whatever the little brat wanted.

"Ikkaku? Could I have a glass of water?" Yumichika called from his little-couch bed that resided within Ikkaku's bedroom, near the window. His caretaker did not answer for a few minutes, coming in with a hand behind his back, handing him a glass.

"Here ya' go, hun'."

As Yumichika sipped, Ikkaku sat there and stared at him, fidgeting. When Yumichika was done with his water, only drinking a little of it, Ikkaku brought him over to the mirror and the small dresser that Yumichika had taken out of his own storage. Ikkaku didn't mind about sharing space, in fact he rather liked that this had become  _their_  home, instead of just his home. He loved to see Yumichika's beauty products in the bathroom, his clothes on the floor, his blankets on the sofa, his hair on their pillows. It made it feel more real to him somehow, even though Yumichika's heartbeat was always against his as he went to sleep, always holding him carefully under the blankets.

Yumichika made a little coughing noise, taking another sip of water as he sat on the little tuffet. Ikkaku's hands moved onto his shoulders as Yumichika glanced up into the mirror every few seconds, still getting used to the idea of prolonged eye-contact or even simply looking at his own reflection.

He could feel Ikkaku fumbling around with the bandages still tied around his head; Yumichika couldn't stand to take them off, even though it was long since time to do so, not even wanting to look upon the injury with his own sight for a single second. He'd told Ikkaku to keep referring to him as if he had two eyes, and Ikkaku obeyed, as he knew it helped Yumichika cope with his injuries.

"Close your eyes," Ikkaku whispered, and Yumichika did, glad that Ikkaku still spoke to him as if his vision was perfect, as if his precious beauty had never been shattered. Somehow, it was okay to let Ikkaku look upon his destroyed face, to let him dress him and help him take baths. It was okay for Ikkaku to kiss him right there on his eyelid, but still, Yumichika did not want to look upon it himself, liking rather to see his own beauty reflected in Ikkaku's loving eyes.

He took another sip of his water, hands shaking suddenly for some reason, smelling Ikkaku's soap from how close he was standing. How he loved this man, how he hoped that things would stay sweet and wonderful like this. How he hoped that he could keep Ikkaku happy, to keep him from changing or becoming bored.

Ikkaku had been so sweet and had taken such good care of him, doing everything from helping him get dressed, supporting him in the bathroom, to feeding him and helping him learn to write again with his still-healing fingers. He even helped him shave, bathe, and paint his toenails, since Yumichika couldn't reach. He loved those warm healing hands that Ikkaku had, so strong and protective. He hoped that life stayed like this, that Ikkaku wouldn't change like Kaa had. He hoped that he could always be good enough. He hoped that Ikkaku would never grow weary of his promise to take care of him.

"Take a look, sweets." Yumichika looked up into the mirror and gasped softly. He had known that Ikkaku was putting an eye patch on him finally, knowing that he didn't want a glass eye or something, but he hadn't expected… Oh wow.

It was dark purple, with a beautiful hand painted peacock feather on the fabric. It was tough on the inside, molding perfectly to his face, but was still soft to the touch, like satin. It was painstakingly painted with flecks of gold, small green and blue beads sewn into it. It was tied in place with a skinny dark blue ribbon, going around his face, over his hair like one of those 'anime' eye bandages. He lifted a hand up to touch it, finding that it was very soft. Someone had put a lot of time into making it.

"Do you like it?"

"Where did you," he said breathlessly, leaning towards the mirror to see it closer. The detail was amazing. "What…"

"Heh… I'm no good at sewing, so I had Momo help… and Kira painted it… It's reversible, there's a bird on the other side. Do you like it?" Yumichika was speechless, lifting a hand up to touch it, fascinated and stunned.

He turned around to look at Ikkaku, suddenly overcome with a tidal wave of sadness and aching, drowning out the brief moment of happiness and the beauty that he had been blessed with. "I'm… I can't stand being like this. I feel so ugly that I could die. I don't even like for you to look at me anymore," he said miserably, the happiness fading out of him, leaving him weak and depressed again. "What has become of me…"

Ikkaku took his shoulders and shook him lightly, not letting Yumichika get himself worked up. "Stop that right now." His tone wasn't harsh or stern, but was firm enough to get Yumichika to pay attention to what he was saying. He didn't grab his chin to make him look at him; he simply ducked down instead. "Listen to me. You are  _beautiful._ "

Yumichika nodded, face wet with tears as Ikkaku kept telling him that in a calm voice. His lip started quivering and the droplets started to roll down. Ikkaku kissed one of them away. "You were never ugly; you were never what you thought you were. You've been beautiful for all this time, and you get more so every day. Don't  _ever_  tell yourself that. Your eyes are like windows, your voice… it's like music, and your face is perfect, so pretty. You are beautiful… You're  _beautiful._ You're not what you think you are."

Yumichika nodded again, wrapping his arms around Ikkaku, sniffling, letting the tears come, but not letting himself weep. He was pleased when Ikkaku half-picked him up, hugging him gently but securely, like he was the last man on earth, like he was his true and only love. When Ikkaku held him like this, he could almost pretend that he still felt it, that he still was that person from his younger, more radiant life.

Ikkaku still saw that man, Ikkaku still loved that man, Ikkaku still treated him like that man, and maybe he was, maybe he was still that person somewhere deep inside. Maybe someday, somehow, he could feel strong again. In Ikkaku's arms, maybe it was possible to feel pretty again, to  _be_  pretty again.

Maybe his spirit had never died.

"That was your present from all of us. We love you, Yumichika." Yumichika smiled, feeling warm and peaceful again. Sometimes the pain and depression would come, but Ikkaku was always there to shine a light, to fight off the nightmares, to hold him up with those strong arms, to keep him from being swallowed by those cruel cold waves. Ikkaku would never let him drown, and he was beginning to trust that he could depend on him to always be there like that, to always be there to hold onto.

"Now, no more cryin', darlin'. We gotta' go in a little bit, for the Christmas party at Ichigo's. Gotta' have you lookin' spry, so quit yer' cryin'," Ikkaku said a little sheepishly, wiping at Yumichika's wet face to brush away the tears before any more could start to fall. Ikkaku always went soft and gentle like this when Yumichika cried, as if his tears were kryptonite.

"What? Oh, you idiot, I'm not invited to that," Yumichika said as he sat himself down, combing his hair for a while as he looked at the eye patch, compulsively touching it as if he felt prettier each time he did so. "I haven't been invited for years."

"To Ichigo's? You don't need an invitation; we want you there. Everyone's missed you. They only stopped invitin' you cause' you always said no. You're going and that's that. If they kick you out, I'll set fire to their yard."

Yumichika snorted, berating Ikkaku for his ugly displays of idiotic machismo, but then looked unsure, like he had when he was given the option to stay in his old apartment. Ikkaku had made him move in with him instead, retrieving all of Yumichika's things. He understood Yumichika's desire to never set foot back inside that place again, that place where he and Kaa had lived for so long being happy together. It would probably hurt him too much to remember.

They'd moved in together in Ikkaku's little house, and life was settling down finally, even though Yumichika had been bedridden for nearly a month. He was still confined to the bed for most of the day now and was growing both restless and more tired as time went on. Ikkaku had learned to deal with it. He never grew weary of taking care of Yumichika, of spoiling him rotten and spending time with him. He could deal with it; he could be strong for both of them until Yumichika was back to his vibrant snobby wonderful self. The brat.

"I do miss them," Yumichika whispered. "I didn't buy any presents yet, oh, I just  _can't_  go. I haven't gotten anyone any presents," he said worriedly.

"They won't care. I don't either. They just wanna' see you, sweetheart. We love you. Just gimme' a kiss… you stupid pretty boy." Ikkaku leaned down, pleased when Yumichika looked back at him without hesitation, kissing him back. Yumichika loved that Ikkaku smiled when they kissed. Kaa had never done that, and it made him feel so warm to feel Ikkaku smile, to feel him speak onto his mouth, to feel his love.

Ikkaku grinned as Yumichika nearly returned to his old attitude. He was seeing the real Yumichika more and more as time went by. That snobby demeanor was returning, as was that stupid little hair flip and his 'ugly' comments. Yumichika was a perfect piece of shit, and it was exciting to Ikkaku that he was getting better with time.

"I think Renji's gonna' pop the question soon."

"Already?"

"Hey, they're young and crazy, like us. You're always talking about the good ol' days when you were young… We're still young, babe. Life's too short… much too short," Ikkaku whispered, stroking Yumichika's hair, leaning in to kiss him again. "I wouldn't mind bein' married ta' you, either. Ya' look cute in white." Yumichika beamed, clapping his hands together once.

"Oh, let's do it. Well… someday when I'm beautiful again for the photographs. That would be wonderful. My wedding was rather dreary, we didn't take any pictures. Such a shame," he said lightly, and Ikkaku was reminded of that thing Yumichika had told him. Kaa had only said 'I love you' one time, and  _only_  one time. That must've been the day.

"You would be a sweet husband." That made Ikkaku smile.

Ikkaku had never doubted that Kaa loved Yumichika or that he was serious about their bond being everlasting. Some tiny part of him felt bad for the guy; it probably wasn't Kaa's fault that he was screwed up. It was okay. Yumichika was alive, and Ikkaku was gonna' take care of him. He would keep Yumichika safe for Kaa and himself, because Kaa was unable to with the way his brain was all crooked and messed up. He would keep their special treasure safe forever, and nothing would convince him otherwise. He'd make everything rosy for Yumichika, for as long as the little devil wanted, and that was it, plain and simple.

"Ya' gonna' wear a cute little apron and bake me cookies and shit? Yer' gonna' be my little wife?" Ikkaku teased. Yumichika poked him in the stomach.

"Consider yourself lucky."

"Oh, I do, trust me," Ikkaku said, kissing Yumichika's cheek with a sappy sound effect, biting his neck to tickle him. "You'll really let me marry ya' someday? A big lug like me who's always fuckin' shit up?"

"Yes… I love you," Yumichika said to him, looking him in the eyes, and Ikkaku smiled. It was the first time Yumichika had said it first, just putting it out like that, and he had the feeling that Yumichika wouldn't say it often, only saying it once, or just occasionally, to keep it special, like Kaa had. It somehow made it more precious to Ikkaku, to hear it said like that, so seriously, so deeply. "More than you could ever know… I've loved you since you beat up that boy who made fun of my braces."

Ikkaku laughed, replying with another kiss. "You are beautiful… So beautiful that it's haunting… entrancing almost," he whispered, nudging at him, kissing his neck. "Are you happy here?…" He grew serious, squatting in front of Yumichika. "I'm the cause' of this whole mess… Do you ever wish that I'd left you alone when you asked?"

"No… I did at first… Just a little, right after it all happened, but… I don't anymore." Yumichika looked back up at him, being honest. "You… You gave me back…" The words were unspoken, but Ikkaku heard them clearly: ' _You gave me back my pride, my life, my_ _dreams_ _.'_

Ikkaku held him there in his arms, his poor fragile sweetheart, his life, his everything who he was going to protect viciously.

Even now, with fading stitches in his cheeks, a bashed up body, broken fingers, and one eye, Yumichika was perfect, radiant, brighter than the sun, and Ikkaku loved him.

He loved him like the winter loves roses, like the desert loves the ocean, and like the sky loves the moon.

* * *

"Hey," Renji said nervously, fiddling around on the floor of Ichigo's family's living room, sitting next to him under some blankets. Telling the family about them had been a piece of cake and had gone down without a hitch, to their delight. Their friends already knew, but they'd been just a little worried about how Ichigo's family would react, so they had kept it quiet for a while, until Renji got better at least. He had to be able to defend himself from Isshin, after all.

Yuzu had cheered, hopped up, and hugged Renji without making him bend over, saying that she could finally really call him 'Renji-nii'. Karin had chucked Renji on the shoulder, being careful not to hit him too hard because of his injuries. Isshin had been his normal goofy self, being serious for only a few moments when Ichigo initially told him, having consideration for the fact that he knew his son was scared that he might react badly. Of course, he hadn't, patting Ichigo on the shoulder with a smile, yanking teasingly on Renji's ponytail, welcoming him to the family with sincerity. Then he'd gone back to his weirdo self, telling Ichigo to give Daddy a hug. When he'd been punched, he went blubbering to the poster of his wife that he'd brought a second son to their family.

Renji still limped and winced when he sat down, needing cushions when he sat on wooden chairs, needing to recline slightly in the car, and needing to sleep on a softer mattress, because the last of his injuries were still healing. All in all, he was much healthier, despite his nightmares and the occasional bout of depression and pain. It was tough, but he was making progress, even if it was very slowly.

Their friends would be arriving soon now that their family get-together was over. They'd celebrated just as a little family, preparing the food for the guests and singing a couple of songs as they frosted cookies and made popcorn strings. It was Christmas Eve, and Renji was glad to know that everyone was available and eager to come. The only thing that could make this night better would be…

Ichigo looked up from where he was resting his head in Renji's lap when he heard his boyfriend speak. "How do you feel about marriage?"

"Hm?" Ichigo frowned. "I think it's stupid. It's basically meaningless now, what with how they make it out to be a lifelong contract, when in reality fifty percent get divorced… No one takes it seriously anymore… It's kinda' sad."

"Well… How do you feel about being married to  _me?"_ Renji came out with a nice shiny ring that he'd bought from Target for sixty whole dollars. With his medical bills and the mortgage for their tiny new house, he'd had to really work to scrape the money together. Ichigo just stared up at him, flummoxed. He sat up, eyes bugging at Renji, flicking from the ring to Renji's eyes.

"You… I'm not wasting my opportunities anymore," Renji whispered, not looking at him as he moved nervously. "I… I'm biting the bullet… Kurosaki Ichigo, will you marry me?… Please?"

Ichigo was truly speechless, absolutely incredulous, and Renji grew saddened and a bit apologetic, knowing that things were moving along too quickly. "It… It doesn't have to be _now,_ or… Maybe not even in a year or two years, but… someday?… We could be a family together… You and me… Just maybe?" He looked up at Ichigo and his shocked face. "I don't ever want to be apart from you."

Ichigo blinked a few times as Renji's hands cupped around his own. "That's… That's a big step. I mean… We already got a house together and… All of this happened so fast."

"I know, I know. Please just think about it."

"Okay… I will."

"Um, really what I wanted to show you is this," Renji came out with, cheeks red. He held out a crappy spider-ring made of red plastic. Ichigo stared at it, waiting for Renji to explain, but it slowly dawned on him as he looked up into Renji's eyes.

"Wait," he said incredulously, looking closer, "Is that?… No way, you still have that?"

If he recalled correctly, he had choked on it at a dance in high school, because he hadn't realized that they'd put party favors in all the drinks. They'd gotten to talking about giving their dates something special, and Ichigo had made a dumb joke about giving it away to his date since he'd nearly died because of the stupid thing, and Renji had somehow ended up with it. Ichigo didn't remember how or why, but… How could Renji still have that after all this time?

"Of course I do. It was a token of your love," Renji said stubbornly even when Ichigo shoved him and said that it had  _not._

Renji just smiled at him, settling in next to Ichigo on the floor, head leaning back against the couch cushions.

"If you took me from three months ago and brought me here, I'd have thought that I'd gone crazy… In love with my best friend and livin' with 'im… besides the fact that we bought a house, and left that crappy dorm. Geez, it's  _nuts_ … but… This is real. I just know it's real."

Renji lifted his head a little, coming off of where he had slumped against Ichigo's side. He touched Ichigo's hair hesitantly, moving in so he could snuggle even closer, cheek resting on the side of Ichigo's face. He was probably tickling Ichigo with his eyelashes, being a weirdo about how close he was, but Ichigo didn't seem to mind.

"I know that you say you love me… but, I can't help but feel… like someday you'll see that I've been messed up too bad, and that you'll-"

"I'm  _not leaving._ Stop saying that _."_ Ichigo shoved him back, scowling, making him meet his eyes. " _I'm not._  I don't care how hesitant I was at first. This is what I want. _"_

"I know, I know, but for how long?" Renji asked miserably, sinking into uncertainty, letting Ichigo pull him roughly against his side again, having no regard for the fact that Renji was bigger than him and that their positions should be reversed.

"I just wish… I'm just… I can't stop thinking about it, I mean, what would I do?… Sometimes I can't even function, because when I'm alone, I hear things, and my mind… it just fucks me up, Ichigo… I… I love you, and that's probably the one thing that's been a constant for me through all these years. I just love you…"

Ichigo stayed quiet, letting Renji vent. "I wish I could marry you… Because I love you so much, and I never want to lose you again. I don't care what the statistics are. This is forever, for me. 'Till I die. I'd even camp out by your grave to be near you," he said morbidly, a creepy look on his face.

Ichigo shoved his face away with a hand, berating him for his stupidity and his dumb facial expression. Renji just made another mock-creepy face and peeked over his shoulder, baring his teeth and breathing loudly like a vampire about to bite.

"Stupid! Cut it out!" Ichigo said loudly, holding his face back by the forehead, obviously trying to keep his serious tone from breaking into laughter. Renji just stared back blandly, knowing that it was fake.

"Hey, don't bite my brother," Karin called blandly, sticking her head out of the kitchen.

"Yeah, leave Renji-nii alone, you meanie," Yuzu called after, making Ichigo start pouting, thinking they'd been defending _him_.

"Aw hush, you two, don't get him cranky… For real, though, I would camp by your grave, at least for a little while. Here's to some creepy stalkery thoughts," he said with a dopey grin, clinking his wine glass with Ichigo's, draining it. "Merry Christmas, Snowball… Here's to a good new year… together," Renji mumbled sappily to Ichigo.

"Okay then, Flapjack."

"Hush for once, Ichigo." Ichigo just rolled his eyes as Renji settled down near him with a dreamy sigh, smiling peacefully. Ichigo held him there, letting him curl up like a cat even though he was much too big to be so cute.

Ichigo was silent for a long time. "Okay… Alright," he whispered. He closed his fist around the cold piece of metal that was still in Renji's hand, putting it on his finger. "There's so much more to this life… there's so much with us… to look forward to. It's… I'm happy. I'm really happy."

"I love you," Renji whispered, scootching closer to him. "There could never be another… no future without you… I don't wanna' know how that feels… to have this end," Renji said, voice cracking a little as he held Ichigo's hands. "You stupid, shouting, ass-kicking, carrot-headed, strawberry-shortcake, loud-mouth, sh-" Ichigo cut him off there, knowing that he'd end up talking for an hour if he let him.

"Be quiet. Gild the hell out of the lily, I don't care," Ichigo muttered. "You're somehow a hard-ass and a stupidly-sweet romantic at the same time, and you're cliche as fuck, but… I'd never get tired of punching you and calling you a jerk… Our friendship… I'd never get tired of this. Things have changed so much, so quickly, but… They're…" Ichigo looked up at him. "… Renji… I…"

Renji swallowed, staring at him, eyes flicking down to where the two rings were on Ichigo's finger.

"Okay… I'll marry you… As long as you never stop being such a humongous dork-" Renji pounced. "Oh, you fucker! Who's ruining the moment  _now?"_

Renji just dragged Ichigo off the floor and picked him up despite his aching legs, spinning him around as he kissed him. They fell backwards onto the couch, holding each other and wrestling, not caring who saw.

Renji grinned and blew a raspberry onto Ichigo's temple, puffing out his cheeks. Ichigo slapped him in the face, but then kissed him on the mouth with a sweet little sigh.

They were no longer lost in a dark tunnel, searching for a light. They were no longer trying to claw their way out of an endless pit or dragging themselves out of graves. No, they were young and free, and they were together. Fuck all that depressing shit. This was it; here they were at the starting line, and it felt so great.

"I love you."

* * *

"Woah, Shuuhei, hold onto him!" Yumichika shouted, giggling uncontrollably as he watched Hisagi stumble around, buzzed on spiked-eggnog. Kira was on his shoulders, clinging onto Hisagi with his legs, nearly choking him as he tried to put a star on top of the christmas tree without falling.

"Oh, you look so stupid," Yumichika laughed into his hands, and Ichigo was sitting next to him, trying to breathe as he snapped a picture with his dad's camera. It probably would turn out horrible, given how hard he was laughing. He couldn't hold the damn thing still.

When Kira climbed down onto the couch, he looked like a cat that had just been chased up a tree, with its fur puffed up. By that point, Ichigo and Yumichika couldn't even breathe, and were laughing so hard that they could hardly move, no sound escaping them.

"What are you laughing at?" Renji asked, poking his head into the living room, piling a paper plate up with Yuzu's taiyaki, probably taking everything that she had made.

"Nothing, Rudolph," Ichigo quipped sassily. Renji scowled and kicked Ichigo in the ass, making him flop over Yumichika's legs, causing Yumichika to start laughing again.

Ikkaku glared out from the kitchen at them all, "If he chokes, I'm going to hang you all from the roof by your belt loops."

"At least he's not eating while laughing," Kira said, fixing his hair a little, finally having recovered from his fright of almost breaking his back. Hisagi was lying on the couch, head in Kira's lap, forearm over his eyes.

"Babe," Ikkaku called, trying to get Yumichika's attention. "Babe, stop laughin'," Ikkaku said, as seriously as he could. He failed obviously when Yumichika covered his mouth with a hand, giggling behind it as he pointed at Ikkaku and made fun of the hideous sweater he'd put on.

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen a person wear. You should be going up in flames from the sheer ugliness being so highly concentrated in one spot like that!"

"My  _mom_  bought me this!" Ikkaku protested, looking down at it, trying not to smile and failing again.

"Dude, you're worse than Iba," Ichigo piped up, rubbing his ass where Renji had kicked him. Renji's old attitude had returned by then, mixing perfectly in Ichigo's opinion: brutish and saccharine, neither of them very appealing by themselves, but together creating a balance. He flopped down next to Ichigo with a groan, leaning onto him a little, arm around his shoulders as he stuffed his face with his fish-shaped custard-filled cookie-cakes.

"Where is he, come to think of it?"

"He's late," Hisagi answered. "He called me. There's a traffic back up on the interstate. He had to pick Rangiku up too."

"Drat, drinking games are no fun if those two aren't here," Yumichika whined, stuffing a plain sugar cookie in his mouth, burrowing into the blanket nest Ikkaku had made for him.

"Ya' spoke too soon. I see headlights," Renji noted, pointing at the dark window.

"Sweet, we can finally open presents-"

"Hey, careful of that candle, you arsonist!"

"Oh rats,"

"Hey, guys!… Ikkaku, we're out of kindling, donate your sweater."

"Oh, would you knock it off?!"

Later, beneath the mistletoe, after they had stuffed themselves on sweets and laughed themselves sick from playing board games and teasing each other, Ikkaku kissed the outside of Yumichika's eye patch, holding his head there in his hands.

He was beautiful. So damn beautiful that it was melting the ice.

* * *

_Beauty is in the eye of the beholder._


	21. Closing Notes

**Closing notes**  - (Lemme' just ramble a bit about the story, give some commentary and little tidbits about the 'behind the scenes' crap.) (I'll put a little asterisk at the start of each thread of thought.)

-*  
First off, I'd like to say thank you to everyone who convinced me to widen my scope to pairings other than Yumichika-Ikkaku. From now on, I'm going to try to write each story with an equal balance of Yumi-Ikka, and Ren-Ichi. Originally, this story was only supposed to be about Yumichika and Ikkaku, so of course, I must have had a huge stroke of brilliance to come up with the story line for the other two pairings, right?

Wrong. It was not some stroke of brilliance or genius. It was actually a fit of piqué on my part, and I fully admit that.

You see, I've been noticing a trend in the Bleach fanfiction community, and I don't like what I've been noticing. It's a thing I like to call, the 'Renji Dumpster meme', and it shows up disturbingly often in Grimm-Ichi fanfictions, particularly in Grimm-Ren-Ichi love triangles like the one demonstrated in this story.

Renji will have loved Ichigo for a long time, but out of nowhere, Grimmjow shows up and wins Ichigo's heart, stealing him away from Renji. Usually Ichigo cockteases Renji a few times and a few other bad things happen to the poor guy, and then he's eventually tossed out. GrimmIchi writers will use Renji as a plot device to draw in conflict, and have him in there as a generic 'other guy' that they will just write out as soon as they've had the chance. They have Ichigo ditch Renji and all his kindness and his loyal friendship for Grimmjow, who is usually written one-dimensionally in these fanfictions as a douchebag with no feelings. It's quite disturbing to me. I really will never understand why they enjoy giving Renji such a bad break. (I mean sure, so did I, but at least _one_  good thing happened to him in my story. Ichigo chooses him.) _  
_

I have even reviewed a classic 'Renji Dumpster' fic on my youtube channel. I made a series of video reviews for each chapter of the story, and I'm still working on editing the videos for the final chapter. That little abomination was what inspired me to write this storyline involving Renji, Ichigo, and Grimmjow. I wanted to set up the classic scenario of Grimmjow and Renji fighting over Ichigo, except this time, I wanted to write Renji as the winner, which seriously _never_  happens. Of course, I wanted the storyline to match the morbid tone of the Ikka-Yumi storyline (Both plots start out with the initial difficulties of dealing with their confessions, then things begin to get better until they almost think that things are going to turn out fine, then something horribly devastating happens to ruin their pretty picture), so I figured I'd pump up Grimmjow's irrational impulsive rage and jealousy, which, let's face it, gets him into trouble a lot in canon. Does losing his arm ring any bells?  
  
-*  
The coverart for this story is actually inspired by one of the scenes. There's this moment after Ikkaku and Yumichika had sex in chapter fourteen, where they're standing in front of the mirror and Ikkaku calls him beautiful... You know what they say about beauty being in the eye of the beholder.

Of course Yumichika's self confidence is shattered and he knows that something bad is coming, but still he loves hearing Ikkaku say that.

He bends forward, hair covering his face, heart fucking him up, but still he gives this little self-deprecating smile.

In the cover art, it's kind of hard to see, but Yumichika is in the background, head hanging down, hands clutched to his face.  
  
-*  
Let's talk about Yumichika quickly, shall we?

Yumichika's injuries and the final attacks Kaa made against him were actually inspired by a true story of domestic abuse that appeared in the TV show Steve Wilkos. This woman came on stage to warn a young girl with an abusive boyfriend to leave before things get dangerous. The woman had an eyepatch, and she too had a golf club literally snapped over her face. The pictures that were shown were gruesome, but she was still so beautiful and smart and I really admired her for using her ordeal to help others. She told the young girl something along these lines, pointing towards her eye, ' _This? This is nothing. The next time, it could've been my life.'_ Besides that, I thought it would be really interesting to write about how Yumichika would deal with a perceived 'loss of beauty'.

-*  
  
Let's discuss Kaa not so quickly.

I never intended to introduce Kaa the way I did in 'Checkin' You Out at the Check-Out', or in this story: as an asshole. (He also appears in 'Eight Notes in a Scale', but he's left nameless.) I had intended to write another story that introduced him as a likable person, but it ended up being too big of a project. I wanted people to initially like him in the story, but then start to see that there were some things slightly 'off' about him, sort of like Ash from Adventure Time, one of Marceline's boyfriends. The whole premise of the story was supposed to be that the audience would realize along with Ikkaku that Yumichika shouldn't be with him. It was supposed to be that story I talked about where Ikkaku and Yumichika are college roommates who initially hate each other.

I  _did_  intend to use Kaa as a carbon-copy boyfriend for Yumichika in future stories, which means that I would use him over and over in a variety of situations and stories so that the audience didn't have to get used to a new character in every single story. He will always serve as Yumichika's boyfriend, when Hisagi doesn't take on that role.

I've also made some original character children for any stories involving Ikkaku and Yumichika having a family. On top of that, I made a girlfriend for Ikkaku, but none of those people have appeared in any of my stories yet. Like I said, I have a huge file full of ideas for stories. It may actually be turning into an obsession, but I'm not concerned yet, ha-ha. People say to do what you love as long as it's not hurting others. (That might mean that I need to lay off the angst.)

So, I hope to shed a better light on Kaa in the future. I hope I didn't make everyone hate him so much that they will be unable to accept him in other stories as a nice boyfriend. He will be Yumichika's boyfriend in pretty much every story he appears in, that is, whenever I don't have  _Hisagi_  as Yumichika's love interest. Then again, we shall see.

I do get that he's mostly here for the sake of being an obstacle for Ikkaku to work around, but at the same time, I hope you guys can try to give him a chance in the stories where I write him nicer. (Part of his personality, when I get to writing him more often, is supposed to be that he's really funny/witty.)

By the way, Kaa is going to appear briefly in the next story I've been working on. The premise of the story is ghosts and zombies, and Kaa doesn't play a big role, really. Of course, I'm probably never going to write him as darkly as I did in these two stories I've already published. He'll be lighter and sweet and caring in probably all the rest of the stories. I hope you guys can give him a chance. I really didn't mean to introduce him this way.

-*  
Now, why don't you let me spout some headcanon/other junk for a while?

Of course, you'd think someone as dedicated as I am to these pairings, you'd think that I'd have loads and loads of junk to talk about pertaining to them, and I do, but not all of it is relevant here, so I won't bore you with the pages and pages I could fill, just talking about and proving to you why I write Ikkaku the way I do, and why I write Yumichika the way I do. Lots of people think Ikkaku is just the archetype of a meat-headed slob, but- Here I go again, drat, I need to snip off my tongue. Closing notes are meant to be brief, after all.

Alright, what I really wanted to discuss, was the characters, or rather the  _'in_ _characterness_ ' or whatever the proper term is here.

I'd like you guys to take a few things into account here. I know that I got over the top at times with the character's emotions -especially concerning Renji-, but you need to remember that this is a modern human world AU. There are no shinigami and no hollows, which means that Ichigo never went through everything he did in the bleach series, so obviously he didn't build any muscle mass and probably is still alike in personality to himself in season 1.

What I'm trying to say here, is that if any of the characters seem OOC, please note that they're supposed to be  _humans_  with emotions, flaws, and a balance of good and bad, i.e. Renji was never trained to be a soldier who was hardened by battle, Ichigo didn't have to take on the responsibility of becoming the world's hero at fifteen, Grimmjow isn't the compilation of a million evil souls, and Ikkaku's life doesn't completely revolve around fighting. Besides that, Yumichika was  _supposed_  to be the 'poster-child' of stereotypical abuse, so naturally his original personality would be subdued.

I received some notes that Ichigo was a rather wobbly character and that I was getting his personality at times, and not at others. Oh, dear, I have such trouble writing him, because he is just  _so_  dynamic.

I tried  _really_  hard not to make Ichigo an 'uke' in this story. I think I did a better job writing him closer to his true character in 'Checkin' You Out at the Check-out', to tell the truth. He's really hard to write for me. Like Aizen, people have  _huge_  expectations when reading fanfiction, especially when it comes to characters like Ichigo, Aizen, and Urahara, so usually I skirt around writing those characters, preferring to keep them off screen in lieu of destroying them and their sparkling personalities. It's a little intimidating.

Since I resolved to write Ichigo and Renji into more of my stories, of course I'll be forced to practice writing him more often. I tried to keep Ichigo from being submissive, physically weaker, seeking comfort or acceptance, overly emotional, stereotypically 'girly' or flamboyant, which are all characteristics of the 'uke', as they call it. I tried to keep him as an ass-kicking, foul-mouthed, tight wad, but I realize that I still need practice. I think I did a much better job in 'Checkin' You Out', and other people have told me that as well.

-*  
Whew, it seems that I've become like the mainstay for these two pairings. I've put the two pairings - RenIchi, and YumiIkka - in the ff . net search, and my stories are the only ones that come up, so... I'm pretty much alone in the middle of the ocean. *sweatdrop* That isn't going to make me give up, however. I'm gonna' keep contributing a ton with these guys, and I'm going to slowly try to widen my gaze and write more pairings. (Just like how I used to only write YumiIkka, but now do RenIchi as well. I may even get ambitious enough to post my slave AU story, which includes pretty much every bleach character and a bunch of popular pairings. If anyone wants to read/comment/beta the working draft, just let me know and I'll share the google doc with you.)

I do understand that I'm a rarity, and I won't let it discourage me, don't worry. I'll keep up with my crazy AUs and I'll try to throw in some canon universe every now and then too. *wink*

-*  
I'd like to apologize for how I treated Grimmjow in this story (Also to the GrimmIchi fans who wanted Grimmjow to win. I like both RenIchi and GrimmIchi, but RenIchi trumps GrimmIchi for me at the moment). I realize that he'd never do something so twisted, and I'm so sorry to fans of his character. I like him too, and it was hard for me to write him this way.

However, I stand firm in my argument that Grimmjow lets anger blind him a lot. He is impulsive, driven by rage many times, and lets the heat of the moment blind his foresight. It gets him into trouble a lot in canon, regarding Luppi, getting his arm cut off, swiping Orihime on impulse to heal Ichigo so they could fight some _more, (Which really, fighting Ichigo, to Grimmjow, had nothing to do with helping Aizen)_ , arguing with Ulquiorra, fighting Ichigo more, fighting with Nnoitora, eating his fracciones, etc. Grimmjow 'destructive' aspect to death makes him impulsive and stupid a lot of times. He doesn't wait to think things out. He goes on gut instinct, and sometimes pays the price when he's wrong.

This pertains to my story in the fact that I was trying to portray Grimmjow as getting really angry and jealous, so much so that he did something without thinking about the consequences. I imagine that the satisfaction of his revenge went cold the moment he was done hurting Renji, and he immediately realized that he'd gone overboard and done something horrible. I wanted the regret to hit him with the snap of a finger.

I'll shut up now.

If I ever do a sequel, I promise to be more fair to him. If I ever write him again, I also promise to do a better job with him - not making him do such a horrible thing. (I do a good job of him in my slave AU that I was talking about earlier)

-*  
Someone also wanted me to source the little quotes I had at the beginnings and ends of chapters. Most of them, I just came up with, taking ideas from the story - others I looked up on a quotes website, and others are song lyrics. Still others are poems of my own making - I'm really good at poetry (Well, I mean rhyming, at least)

The following were by me:

End of Chapter one, the end of chapter two, the start of chapter three, the start of chapter four, the end of chapter five, the start of chapter six, the end of chapter seven, the start of chapter eight, the start and end of chapter ten, the start of chapter eleven, the end of chapter fourteen, the end of chapter eighteen, and the end of chapter nineteen.

These are the ones I chose to source:

The start of chapter nine is a quote from 'The Twits' by Roald Dahl (That's the quote about always looking lovely if you have good thoughts.)

The end of chapter thirteen is from 'Sleeping Sun', by Nightwish. ( _I wish for this night-time to last for a lifetime.)_

The start of chapter fourteen is from 'The Velvet Warms and Binds' by William Control.  _(I want a violating act of sin, you can penetrate, let's begin.)_

The start and end of chapter fifteen are from 'Face Down', by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.  _(Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?)(Face down in the dirt, she said, "This doesn't hurt.")_

The start of chapter sixteen, the end of chapter seventeen, and the start of chapter nineteen are all from 'Beauty From Pain', by SuperChick. This song, I feel, sums up this whole story, at least pertaining to Yumichika. That song is so empowering, especially, I feel, to a woman who has been brutalized or torn down by men. It's about standing again and feeling beautiful because of what you've gone through, that you've become stronger, that now you're golden because you've survived such an ordeal. I fully embrace that message.

The start of chapter seventeen is from 'Blood', by My Chemical Romance. ( _I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff...)_

Finally, the start of chapter eighteen is from 'Bulletproof', by Kerli. I used this song in the opening of one of the fanfic review videos I did for that monstrosity I mentioned earlier. ( _I'll stay with you, but remember, be careful what you do, because I'm not bulletproof.)_

I hope that settles any copyright. I also hope you guys'll stick around. I have many more great stories coming! Have a good night, everybody, I hope you can transition into my lighter story of 'Knock Knock', and then pick up with 'Blinding' when I start posting it. It will give you a little break from such heavy heartwrenching angst and let you laugh a bit before we delve into my first 'horror' story, with many traditional themes from classic gothic novels like Frankenstein. Hopefully, you guys enjoy ghosts, zombies, mansions, and gritty love affairs.

I promise I'm going back to working on my unfinished stories - 'Checkin' You Out' in particular!

Thank you all so much for reading this story, I'm really proud of it. I hope you'll stick around for more!


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